Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #46 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:59 AM
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Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
One of my main issues is that she lies about everything and also, in her eyes, if she doesn't tell me things or withholds information, she thinks she isn't lying. She made up a story about going home from her mothers house alone to get some sleep. The kids were with their gran. I know she when to see her boyfriend but hopes that I will back her story up when the girls wonder where mommy went...it's all just a game and I never know what is real...plus, I made the mistake of finding her lover on Facebook...now I have his face to deal with..


Would you prefer she told you the truth, that she went to bang the other guy? Wasn't she banging other guys when you were married?

Both the truth and the lie would equally bother you. Until you move on.

Andy, moving on is not a destination. It is a journey. The pain will ease as long as you keep taking positive steps forward, even small steps help. You will have some setbacks but keep moving forward.

You will NEVER be free as long as they live in YOUR house? Are you still paying the mortgage or is the home paid for and wife is living rent free in your house.

You can lie to yourself that you are leaving the house so as to not disrupt the girls. But the girls need a healthy functioning father more than they need that house. And if they have to move it is because of the choice their mother made, not you.


Last edited by blueinbr; 03-19-2017 at 11:09 AM.
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post #47 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:44 AM Thread Starter
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I was told to leave the house by the court. She has the right to be there because she is the main carer to the kids.
The house cannot be sold unless she is in agreement. She is not. Therefore she has to raise funds to buy my share. This agreement is in place until the youngest child is 18 years old. I am basically screwed unless she finds the cash.

I am trying to move on. I have dated 8 women in three weeks. I am doing everything I physically can to find someone special. It's the only way out as far as I can see. I have another date tonight and it will continue. Tinder is a wonderful thing but it's also so frustrating.
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post #48 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:07 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

I think your intentions in dating are acting against your interests. You sound desperate and women can smell that.
Try dating just to have fun and maybe make some friends. Changing your focus may help you with your ultimate goal of finding someone special.
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post #49 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I was told to leave the house by the court. She has the right to be there because she is the main carer to the kids.
The house cannot be sold unless she is in agreement. She is not. Therefore she has to raise funds to buy my share. This agreement is in place until the youngest child is 18 years old. I am basically screwed unless she finds the cash.

I am trying to move on. I have dated 8 women in three weeks. I am doing everything I physically can to find someone special. It's the only way out as far as I can see. I have another date tonight and it will continue. Tinder is a wonderful thing but it's also so frustrating.


Wow. So is she paying the mortgage? She gets a rent free house and you have to pay rent for your place?

And you still have to pay support?

That's insane. The UK sucks.
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post #50 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Andy,
Totally normal to feel lonely - want to meet someone.

That said - if you talk about your ex wife around other women - you will remain alone.

Because where your ex is concerned you are an angry, bitter, blame shifting mess.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I was told to leave the house by the court. She has the right to be there because she is the main carer to the kids.
The house cannot be sold unless she is in agreement. She is not. Therefore she has to raise funds to buy my share. This agreement is in place until the youngest child is 18 years old. I am basically screwed unless she finds the cash.

I am trying to move on. I have dated 8 women in three weeks. I am doing everything I physically can to find someone special. It's the only way out as far as I can see. I have another date tonight and it will continue. Tinder is a wonderful thing but it's also so frustrating.
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post #51 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:18 AM Thread Starter
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Well the latest trauma was that when I went to pick the kids up, she was snappy and irritated. I teied to be friendly and courteous but she gave me hell and I then found out that her new boyfriend doesn't want her being friendly and is frustrated that I am still around. He wants to meet me to put my mind at ease so he can see my ex during the week when the kids are there. I have no intention of meeting him. I see it as an excercise to gloat that he has her now and I need to walk away. Its an awful situation because we used to gt on ok. She says that by being nice she was giving me false hope that we would get back together. I now can only collect the kids from the front door and can't even go inside for a few minutes. I now feel that I am fighting her and her guy and that is not healthy for me. I am even contemplating walking away for a while as its affecting my health. I am going to a lawyer next week to see what my options are with the house. I need to cut all ties for everyones sakes.
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post #52 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I was told to leave the house by the court. She has the right to be there because she is the main carer to the kids.
The house cannot be sold unless she is in agreement. She is not. Therefore she has to raise funds to buy my share. This agreement is in place until the youngest child is 18 years old. I am basically screwed unless she finds the cash.
Was there a stipulation in the agreement as to a time limit on when she has to either buy you out or sell the home? Pretty crappy barrister that left you hanging with a multi-year financial obligation like that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I am trying to move on. I have dated 8 women in three weeks. I am doing everything I physically can to find someone special. It's the only way out as far as I can see. I have another date tonight and it will continue. Tinder is a wonderful thing but it's also so frustrating.
They say you should take at least a year for every 4-5 years of marriage to heal and figure out what happened in your marriage so you don't make the same mistakes again. Use the time for self reflection and being the best dad that you can. If you should find a partner now, you will most likely fall into a rebound relationship. Then you will spend all your time chasing after new woman instead of trying to work on yourself.

I can tell you from experience, it makes the process of healing take a lot longer and will make future relationships tough. You need to work through the anger and resentment and be happy with yourself. Otherwise you will most likely fall into the same patterns again. Yes, it sucks to be at your place alone when the kids are not around. But it is a hell of a lot better than being in another crappy relationship.


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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
...her new boyfriend doesn't want her being friendly and is frustrated that I am still around. He wants to meet me to put my mind at ease so he can see my ex during the week when the kids are there. I have no intention of meeting him. I see it as an excercise to gloat that he has her now and I need to walk away.
You are under no obligation to meet him. However, you still are the father to your children and have the right to be there for them, so he can just get over it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
She says that by being nice she was giving me false hope that we would get back together. I now can only collect the kids from the front door and can't even go inside for a few minutes.
Look at this as an opportunity to not deal with your ex at all. She is correct and I can see it written all over your posts, you are still very much NOT over your ex. You need to disengage from her and focus on you and your kids. It is hard to get over a long term relationship, you can do this. I, and many others, have gone before you and gotten through the low points and emerged in a better place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
I am even contemplating walking away for a while as its affecting my health. I am going to a lawyer next week to see what my options are with the house. I need to cut all ties for everyones sakes.
Try to treat your involvement with your ex as a business transaction. Keep your emotions out of it, finish the deal, and go about your day. No discussion except about the kids. But do not walk away from your kids. Your ex will use it against you. Someone has to the be the rational one for your kids sake, make sure it is you.

Talk with your lawyer and see if there is any grey area in your agreement you can use to change things.
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post #53 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
Well the latest trauma was that when I went to pick the kids up, she was snappy and irritated. I teied to be friendly and courteous but she gave me hell and I then found out that her new boyfriend doesn't want her being friendly and is frustrated that I am still around. He wants to meet me to put my mind at ease so he can see my ex during the week when the kids are there. I have no intention of meeting him. I see it as an excercise to gloat that he has her now and I need to walk away. Its an awful situation because we used to gt on ok. She says that by being nice she was giving me false hope that we would get back together. I now can only collect the kids from the front door and can't even go inside for a few minutes. I now feel that I am fighting her and her guy and that is not healthy for me. I am even contemplating walking away for a while as its affecting my health. I am going to a lawyer next week to see what my options are with the house. I need to cut all ties for everyones sakes.
Stop being friendly and courtesy. You go the house, pick up the kids. That's it. Don't engage in any conversion not directly related to the well-being of the kids.

You cannot believe a word she says. Now she is blaming the guy. What is the complaint that you are "still around"? Forget that. We don't care. You went to pick up YOUR kids. If she wants to drop them off at your house instead, do it.

If the stipulation in the agreement is that he cannot be at the house while the kids are there, that is GREAT. Keep it. Or use that as leverage to sell the house. She can have the guy at her new house when the kids are there, AFTER you get to sell the current house. Keep to the agreement. Didn't she have a fit when you were going to be late picking up the kids and she was threatening you because you were not following the agreement?

She was nice to you previously to control you and garner your attention. Now that she was attention for the other guy, she doesn't need your attention and you are seeing the true woman you once thought was great.

You don't need to go into the house. Why would you want that? Stop it already. Do you even read what we post here?

You should not be fighting her and the other guy. You should detach from her and anything she says. If she is irritated, consider that a PLUS, not something to worry about. Most guys would love to have their cheating ex-wives irritated at them.

See your lawyer first, then post back.
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post #54 of 54 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:02 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Andy, I get it. You are hurt and want this pain to stop. First off you don't recover by dating other women. You recover by focusing on your self. You are desperately trying to find some one to replace her because you are still comparing yourself to her. She has someone new and you think you should have some one new. You aren't being fair to yourself or the women you are dating. It totally sucks, what you are going thru. But focus on your self as much as you possibly can. Explain to your ex that from this point forward when you pick up the kids, you do not want to chit chat, you do not want any interaction with her. She can watch for you. She can send the kids out when you arrive. The only communication between the two of you should be about some very pressing matter regarding the kids. Otherwise, do not look for or expect anything else from her. It doesn't matter where she goes or how long she is there. As long as your children are safe, that is all you should worry about.

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