Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife. - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 01:36 AM Thread Starter
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Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

For those of you that have read my previous posts, I have started a new thread to explore a new way forward from what has been a marriage full of lies and manipulation and is now continuing to marr my future.

I am slowly coming to terms with my situation and realising how narcisstic my ex wife really is. I was a sucker for her looks and charm that kept me controlled and under her spell for over a decade. But since she has moved on, her true character has come to the surface. She only has space in her life for her own insecurities and need to be admired. Not by me anymore as she is getting her needs met for now. The problem is that she cannot handle that I am still around because of the kids. This makes her angry but she will try to contine to use me when convenient and god help me if I do not toe the line.

After what was a fairly amicable divorce, she has turned against me in spectacular fashion. I am trying to rebuild my life and move on myself. I have two dates this weekend with two different women. It's the only cure to rid myself of the attachements from this wicked self obssessed woman. Please tell me of you're experiences and how you are overcoming co dependancy and how you deal with manipulation and emotional black mail.

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post #2 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 02:00 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Neither "toe the line" nor "tote the line" that she wants to burden you with. BE INDIFFERENT.

Show up with a smile leave with the same demeanor....really de-mean-her. Take the sting out of each visit by giving her no cause to be pissy.

She is angry..Why?...What is your take?

Seeing you move on?
Seeing your lack of needing her?

Hating herself?
Hating how herself ended up?

Not that YOU should give a Rat's ass. Don't give the Lady Rat a red ass. Just be happy, short lipped, professional.

In/Out.... no friction from you. I cannot help myself.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #3 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 05:14 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Your kids will remember who the confident, level-headed parent was and who was the mean-spirited, bag of cats.

Especially when her crazy antics turn directly on them. With an OM in the picture, it's just a matter of time until it happens.

The inward journey you're on, should focus on developing a more healthy life for you and your kids. Your ex is gonna do what she's gonna do. Once you show her (not tell, SHOW) you are not her court jester /punching bag/ whipping boy, she'll back off and pick on the OM. All it takes is time, patience, and popcorn. But by then you'll have moved way on from her, so you won't care anyway.

You with me?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #4 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 05:26 AM
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Cool Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

I'd have to say that to let your XW know, in no uncertain terms, that she gave up that preeminent right to try to control your life whenever she either told you or did something to you that so blatantly screamed out, "I don't want to be married to you any longer!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #5 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 05:45 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Sell the house!
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post #6 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 07:17 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Just remember, she can only manipulate you if you allow her to. So don't react. Don't respond, Just be indifferent. She has lost the "right" to affect who you are, what you are or where you are going.

I suffered a similar fate during my divorce. As long as she got what she wanted, everything was fine. I was a fool and took her at her word. I accepted her niceness as a sign of potential reconciliation and went along. Alternately her anger I took as a sign I was being unreasonable. Hoping that by being "reasonable" and "generous" that she would see that I truly loved her and wanted to remain married. In the end it cost me. I was very resentful when things still fell apart and my efforts went unrewarded. But in hindsight, it had been those same on-going efforts to appease her all along, which really had made me so miserable while I had been married. In the end, I have come to agree, that whatever I lost, it was the best money I ever spent. Now, I am free. I am free to have a truly personal one on one relationship with both of my children as well as their spouses. After the divorce she bought a condo, was living the life and seemed to be doing well. Later on I heard she was working two jobs to make ends meet because she had lost the high paying job (in her mind) she had had. Karma?

Just don't allow her to manipulate her. Let her go ballistic, it is no longer your problem, it has no effect on your life, so let her vent. As long as she is rewarded for her effort, she will continue to make it. Take away her reward and she will soon tire of trying.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #7 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 07:22 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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Please tell me of you're experiences and how you are overcoming co dependancy and how you deal with manipulation and emotional black mail.
I believe the correct term is "boundaries."

Don't engage with you ex unless it is about your kids. Even then, make sure it is relevant and actually requires your attention. I would highly recommend that you limit interaction to only text or email, not only can you control your response (or lack of response), you have an electronic trail of what she says. Let all calls go to voicemail. Read and listen and respond at your leisure, you are not at her beck and call any more. By not responding to everything, you can't be drawn into her narcissistic drama. Only respond, electronically, to important issues.

Take the high road, which can be a bitter pill to swallow, but let your kids and other people see who is the cool, level headed one. It may take a little while for your ex to be weaned, but it can be done. When she finally realizes that you won't engage in her little world, she will shift her attention elsewhere.

You are no longer her husband, you don't have to deal with her crap anymore.
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post #8 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

I'll second the developing boundaries idea. With my XWW if she wanted to discuss something other than the kids, then I'd just directly tell her I wasn't comfortable having that conversation with her and that I wasn't willing to discuss whatever the topic was. She got the point after about 6 months and ceased to be a bother. However, if it involves the kids I'm there 100%, even if it means I'm picking up the slack for her because it is for my kids direct benefit. Remember the goal isn't to be her friend, it is to develop a civil relationship where you can co-parent in a way that works for the kids.
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post #9 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 10:18 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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Just remember, she can only manipulate you if you allow her to.

So let her vent. As long as she is rewarded for her effort, she will continue to make it. Take away her reward and she will soon tire of trying.
That is it.

She is venting. For her, that is healthy...to a degree. Release the super heated steam; as do Volcanoes, most of their long lives.

The wish? That she be dormant. Dormant until the children are on their own.

She is venting, because the inner pressure is always there. This is what caused her to leave the marriage. The unbalance of "her needs and your needs".

This is what has caused her to lose her molten marbles. Expelled one mini blast at a time.

She be a troubled soul to those [of us] without............ and to her?

She is a corrosive and volatile mixture of bodily chemicals, within. A two legged container of Minestrone soup........... with too many gas producing beans.

There is no marriage "Beano" recipe...save distance and earplugs.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #10 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 05:51 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

First of all give yourself some time, this will get easier.

Second make a plan. Don't get stuck in the rut of its over and I have to rebuild. Instead make a bucket list of things you want to accomplish in life and how you will get to it. You'll find little time to wallow while moving your life forward.

Third all communication with your x needs to stop unless it's about the kids period. She is no longer entitled to anything about your life.

In time your new life will take shape and your old marriedlife will seem as though it happend to someone else.

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post #11 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Let us know how the dates went.

Not if you got a second date from them but how you felt during the date.
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post #12 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:03 AM Thread Starter
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The date on friday turned into a weekend..she is really into me but I am not attracted to her in that way. Nice lady and very mature but the sex did not feel right. I have a date with another girl tomorrow. I hope it is a better match.. The only good thing was spending time with someone who was completely different to my ex. She was interested in me and it helped me to forget about my problems if only for two days.

The ex has not been in touch apart from complaining that my whatsapp profile pic was making a mockery out if daughtwr's special day..pic was of me with the disney princess hired for her party. I ignored her jibe.
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post #13 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:29 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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The date on friday turned into a weekend..she is really into me but I am not attracted to her in that way. Nice lady and very mature but the sex did not feel right. I have a date with another girl tomorrow. I hope it is a better match.. The only good thing was spending time with someone who was completely different to my ex. She was interested in me and it helped me to forget about my problems if only for two days.

The ex has not been in touch apart from complaining that my whatsapp profile pic was making a mockery out if daughtwr's special day..pic was of me with the disney princess hired for her party. I ignored her jibe.
Can I gently ask why you slept with her if you weren't attracted to her? If you're honest with her about not wanting something serious, that's one thing, but if you're using her to get over your ex, that's not really fair on her. Especially being around a narcissist for so long, I'm sure you've discovered how hurtful it is when someone uses you to further their own agenda - your wife used you to prop up her self-esteem, and give her ego kibbles, don't use this woman. Don't let your ex turn you into someone you're not.
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post #14 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:47 AM
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Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Of course it doesn't feel right. You probably are still comparing to your ex, or you perceived memory of it.

No sex tonight. If you like her, have a second date.

Where did you meet these ladies?
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post #15 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:29 AM Thread Starter
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I met them on a dating app. I don't know if I'll see the one I spent the weekend with again. As a friend she would be great. She could tell that I was nervous about the whole thing. I went along with what she wanted. She lives too far as well. Surely she understands that it would be difficult to sustain a relationship when we both have commitments to our kids in different parts of the country.
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