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Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

21K views 90 replies 36 participants last post by  Andy101 
#1 ·
For those of you that have read my previous posts, I have started a new thread to explore a new way forward from what has been a marriage full of lies and manipulation and is now continuing to marr my future.

I am slowly coming to terms with my situation and realising how narcisstic my ex wife really is. I was a sucker for her looks and charm that kept me controlled and under her spell for over a decade. But since she has moved on, her true character has come to the surface. She only has space in her life for her own insecurities and need to be admired. Not by me anymore as she is getting her needs met for now. The problem is that she cannot handle that I am still around because of the kids. This makes her angry but she will try to contine to use me when convenient and god help me if I do not toe the line.

After what was a fairly amicable divorce, she has turned against me in spectacular fashion. I am trying to rebuild my life and move on myself. I have two dates this weekend with two different women. It's the only cure to rid myself of the attachements from this wicked self obssessed woman. Please tell me of you're experiences and how you are overcoming co dependancy and how you deal with manipulation and emotional black mail.
 
#2 ·
Neither "toe the line" nor "tote the line" that she wants to burden you with. BE INDIFFERENT.

Show up with a smile leave with the same demeanor....really de-mean-her. Take the sting out of each visit by giving her no cause to be pissy.

She is angry..Why?...What is your take?

Seeing you move on?
Seeing your lack of needing her?

Hating herself?
Hating how herself ended up?

Not that YOU should give a Rat's ass. Don't give the Lady Rat a red ass. Just be happy, short lipped, professional.

In/Out.... no friction from you. I cannot help myself.
 
#3 ·
Your kids will remember who the confident, level-headed parent was and who was the mean-spirited, bag of cats.

Especially when her crazy antics turn directly on them. With an OM in the picture, it's just a matter of time until it happens.

The inward journey you're on, should focus on developing a more healthy life for you and your kids. Your ex is gonna do what she's gonna do. Once you show her (not tell, SHOW) you are not her court jester /punching bag/ whipping boy, she'll back off and pick on the OM. All it takes is time, patience, and popcorn. But by then you'll have moved way on from her, so you won't care anyway.

You with me?
 
#4 ·
I'd have to say that to let your XW know, in no uncertain terms, that she gave up that preeminent right to try to control your life whenever she either told you or did something to you that so blatantly screamed out, "I don't want to be married to you any longer!"
 
#6 ·
Just remember, she can only manipulate you if you allow her to. So don't react. Don't respond, Just be indifferent. She has lost the "right" to affect who you are, what you are or where you are going.

I suffered a similar fate during my divorce. As long as she got what she wanted, everything was fine. I was a fool and took her at her word. I accepted her niceness as a sign of potential reconciliation and went along. Alternately her anger I took as a sign I was being unreasonable. Hoping that by being "reasonable" and "generous" that she would see that I truly loved her and wanted to remain married. In the end it cost me. I was very resentful when things still fell apart and my efforts went unrewarded. But in hindsight, it had been those same on-going efforts to appease her all along, which really had made me so miserable while I had been married. In the end, I have come to agree, that whatever I lost, it was the best money I ever spent. Now, I am free. I am free to have a truly personal one on one relationship with both of my children as well as their spouses. After the divorce she bought a condo, was living the life and seemed to be doing well. Later on I heard she was working two jobs to make ends meet because she had lost the high paying job (in her mind) she had had. Karma?

Just don't allow her to manipulate her. Let her go ballistic, it is no longer your problem, it has no effect on your life, so let her vent. As long as she is rewarded for her effort, she will continue to make it. Take away her reward and she will soon tire of trying.
 
#9 ·
Just remember, she can only manipulate you if you allow her to.

So let her vent. As long as she is rewarded for her effort, she will continue to make it. Take away her reward and she will soon tire of trying.
That is it.

She is venting. For her, that is healthy...to a degree. Release the super heated steam; as do Volcanoes, most of their long lives.

The wish? That she be dormant. Dormant until the children are on their own.

She is venting, because the inner pressure is always there. This is what caused her to leave the marriage. The unbalance of "her needs and your needs".

This is what has caused her to lose her molten marbles. Expelled one mini blast at a time.

She be a troubled soul to those [of us] without............ and to her?

She is a corrosive and volatile mixture of bodily chemicals, within. A two legged container of Minestrone soup........... with too many gas producing beans.

There is no marriage "Beano" recipe...save distance and earplugs.
 
#7 ·
Please tell me of you're experiences and how you are overcoming co dependancy and how you deal with manipulation and emotional black mail.
I believe the correct term is "boundaries."

Don't engage with you ex unless it is about your kids. Even then, make sure it is relevant and actually requires your attention. I would highly recommend that you limit interaction to only text or email, not only can you control your response (or lack of response), you have an electronic trail of what she says. Let all calls go to voicemail. Read and listen and respond at your leisure, you are not at her beck and call any more. By not responding to everything, you can't be drawn into her narcissistic drama. Only respond, electronically, to important issues.

Take the high road, which can be a bitter pill to swallow, but let your kids and other people see who is the cool, level headed one. It may take a little while for your ex to be weaned, but it can be done. When she finally realizes that you won't engage in her little world, she will shift her attention elsewhere.

You are no longer her husband, you don't have to deal with her crap anymore.
 
#8 ·
I'll second the developing boundaries idea. With my XWW if she wanted to discuss something other than the kids, then I'd just directly tell her I wasn't comfortable having that conversation with her and that I wasn't willing to discuss whatever the topic was. She got the point after about 6 months and ceased to be a bother. However, if it involves the kids I'm there 100%, even if it means I'm picking up the slack for her because it is for my kids direct benefit. Remember the goal isn't to be her friend, it is to develop a civil relationship where you can co-parent in a way that works for the kids.
 
#10 ·
First of all give yourself some time, this will get easier.

Second make a plan. Don't get stuck in the rut of its over and I have to rebuild. Instead make a bucket list of things you want to accomplish in life and how you will get to it. You'll find little time to wallow while moving your life forward.

Third all communication with your x needs to stop unless it's about the kids period. She is no longer entitled to anything about your life.

In time your new life will take shape and your old marriedlife will seem as though it happend to someone else.
 
#12 ·
The date on friday turned into a weekend..she is really into me but I am not attracted to her in that way. Nice lady and very mature but the sex did not feel right. I have a date with another girl tomorrow. I hope it is a better match.. The only good thing was spending time with someone who was completely different to my ex. She was interested in me and it helped me to forget about my problems if only for two days.

The ex has not been in touch apart from complaining that my whatsapp profile pic was making a mockery out if daughtwr's special day..pic was of me with the disney princess hired for her party. I ignored her jibe.
 
#13 ·
The date on friday turned into a weekend..she is really into me but I am not attracted to her in that way. Nice lady and very mature but the sex did not feel right. I have a date with another girl tomorrow. I hope it is a better match.. The only good thing was spending time with someone who was completely different to my ex. She was interested in me and it helped me to forget about my problems if only for two days.

The ex has not been in touch apart from complaining that my whatsapp profile pic was making a mockery out if daughtwr's special day..pic was of me with the disney princess hired for her party. I ignored her jibe.
Can I gently ask why you slept with her if you weren't attracted to her? If you're honest with her about not wanting something serious, that's one thing, but if you're using her to get over your ex, that's not really fair on her. Especially being around a narcissist for so long, I'm sure you've discovered how hurtful it is when someone uses you to further their own agenda - your wife used you to prop up her self-esteem, and give her ego kibbles, don't use this woman. Don't let your ex turn you into someone you're not.
 
#15 ·
I met them on a dating app. I don't know if I'll see the one I spent the weekend with again. As a friend she would be great. She could tell that I was nervous about the whole thing. I went along with what she wanted. She lives too far as well. Surely she understands that it would be difficult to sustain a relationship when we both have commitments to our kids in different parts of the country.
 
#16 ·
I know it's probably crazy of me to be dating so hard after nothing for so long, but I am new to this and don't really know what to expect or do in certain situations. I don't really know what I am looking for yet.

I have another bug bear though. Today when I drove past the family home, my ex wife's new boyfriend was there with his kids. He parked on my drive way and this got to me. It's like they are all playing happy families with my kids in my house..where do I stand here? Should I be concerned ir am I over reacting?
 
#22 ·
Over the last week., I have become concerned that my ex never contacts me to tell me what the kids are doing. Even when I eventually have to ask..she tells me very little. She doesn't even encourage them to call me on the phone. She used to always tell me about them but this new guy has changed her in a big way. Is she purposely alienating the kids from me? Feel like she just wishes I would just disappear out of her life the way she treats me now.
 
#25 ·
Is she purposely alienating the kids from me? Feel like she just wishes I would just disappear out of her life the way she treats me now.
No doubt she's alienating. As a self proclaimed "expert" on Parental Alienation and having been a victim of it myself, I will answer your question with a simple statement.

Parental Alienation is a part of many, if not most, if not all divorces, however there are differences between "active" and "passive" alienators, which for all practical purposes really means how bad the aliening behavior really is. For your situation, it probably doesn't really matter whether she knows she's doing it or not, because there's not much if anything you can do to change her behavior. What you need to do is join the club of self proclaimed "Parental Alienation Experts" such as myself and develop strategies to deal with it. Looking back on how I did, I failed miserably. But it's not too late for you.
 
#23 ·
Great! Disappear from her life and move on with yours. About the kids....when you have your kids be the best dad you can, and when she has them enjoy being a free man. As long as you know she's taking proper care of them when they are in her custody you have nothing to worry about. If there isn't enough communication, then buy them a cell phone so they can call you whenever they want. I personally make sure my kids know that they are my top priority. I go to the parent-teacher conferences at their school, go to their various sports lessons/activities, chaperone school field trips, check their homework, help with science fair projects, take them to religious activities, and let them pick activities they want to do with me. It's not hard to be the better parent and if you are then the kids will naturally take it upon themselves to keep you involved in their lives and there will be nothing she can do about it.
 
#24 ·
She is using the communication with your children to manipulate you. This is "black widow" mentality, even though she has the new guy, she needs to keep you tethered. Detach. Buy the kids their own phone to talk to you. Document everything that seems untoward and at a convenient time, take her back to court.

There was an old book I used when building my practice called "Winning through Intimidation". Slow, steady and quiet wins. Never let her see you coming.
 
#26 ·
The kids just tell me that mummy doesn't play with us anymore. I have since played harder with them and keep them as happy as I physically can! This weekend I'll have them..we sit on the floor together and we chat about what they are feeling and thinking..then we hit the scate park!

She wants to play hard ball. She even stated on whatsapp that if I don't toe the line and take "RESPONSIBILITY"for the girls...she will take me to court. All because I wouldn't take the kids one night when she wanted to see this guy!

When ever I ask her about why she doesn't keep me informed. She doesn't answer. If I ask how they are she just says fine. Although she will say that my youngest asks when she can see me...just to put another knife in me.
 
#27 ·
When ever I ask her about why she doesn't keep me informed. She doesn't answer. If I ask how they are she just says fine. Although she will say that my youngest asks when she can see me...just to put another knife in me.
Don't you see your youngest regularly?

I guess even every other weekend and once during the week (standard visitation) isn't all that often.. those in between days must really drag.
 
#31 ·
Andy, I am confused. First, your ex was manipulative and abusive, now you say she is ignoring you. So I have to ask who is pushing who's buttons here?
You don't need to worry about her not playing with the kids, that is on her. She will reap the consequences of that (in)action. You shouldn't be relying on your ex to tell you what is going on with the kids - you ask them yourself when you have them. You should be glad she is not engaging you, this is what you claimed to have wanted. Now, go look in the mirror and ask yourself what is that you really want.
 
#32 ·
I just want to have normal communication with her as this is going to go on for years. I want to be at least civil and put the childrens interests first. I don't need manipulation or bad blood just because of her seeing another guy. Feel like she can only have one focus and everyone else can go to hell. I get it that her man probably doesn't want me around but it doesn't mean she has to be a complete ***** about everything.

The other date was with an American woman. She was nice but it would never go anywhere as she has too many interests in California. I have lined up other dates but nobody seems sincere on these apps! Feel like giving up on it all for the time being be nice to just meet someone in person.
 
#33 ·
Your Ex is under no obligation to encourage the kids to speak to you. Your relationship with your children is your responsibility. Gone are the days when she makes a report to you-that's what spouses used to do.

You, Dad, must establish your own avenues of communication. The ex can't stop it, but unless you have a custody order that says she must place a call to you twice a week for the purposes of communicating with the children-she doesn't have to do anything.

And sleeping with new women on the first day, so soon after a divorce will do nothing for your path to healing. It will only lead to hook ups with empty bodies. I guess if that is all you want then have at it, but if you want an actual relationship with someone that is not the way to do it. You need to heal and grow from your prior marriage. What were the warning signs in your prior relationship that you ignored? Why did you do that? Have you properly handled your porn use?
 
#34 ·
Your Ex is under no obligation to encourage the kids to speak to you. Your relationship with your children is your responsibility. Gone are the days when she makes a report to you-that's what spouses used to do.

You, Dad, must establish your own avenues of communication. The ex can't stop it, but unless you have a custody order that says she must place a call to you twice a week for the purposes of communicating with the children-she doesn't have to do anything.
No she doesn't "have" to do anything towards encouraging the children to speak to their father, however a responsible parent who understands that in most cases children benefit from a relationship with both parents and are damaged by not having it, will make a solid attempt to keep the kids in contact with their father.

That much said, I get that most custodial parents tend not to do that, and if anything whether intentionally or otherwise, tend to alienate the noncustodial parent to some degree especially if the divorce is acrimonious.
 
#35 ·
Andy, I'm not familiar with your back story but it seems fairly evident from your thread that you aren't totally over your ex-wife, and that it may be too early for you to date and certainly too early to be jumping into bed with random women.

I went through this kind of communication thing regarding the kids with my ex-husband after my divorce, and I can promise you that it does get better. Right now she is using the kids to jab at you and irritate you. And you are worried about things you can't control (ie, her boyfriend and relationship with him). You two are poking back and forth at each other because of the residual resentment, anger, etc from your past relationship. Your focus is on your kids, but it's also on her. What you have to do is take her out of the equation.

I think you should take the advice of others and stop asking her about how the kids are doing. Buy them phones. Be clear with them how you want to be available for them anytime they need you. Unless there is evidence that she is abusing them, you can't control what she does with them when they are with her. Nor should you try. You CAN control what happens when they are with you.

Yes, it would be nice if she prioritized the kids such that she would offer you information as to how they are doing, especially if you don't see them often. But the fact is that she isn't required to, and this doesn't always happen after divorce. You just have to work to find ways to leave her out of it and find out directly from the kids how they are doing.

As YNot said, though, I think you should look in the mirror and really think about why you are interacting with her in these ways, and what it is that you truly want to happen. You need to take her out of the equation, but I'm wondering if you are really wanting to do that.
 
#41 ·
One of my main issues is that she lies about everything and also, in her eyes, if she doesn't tell me things or withholds information, she thinks she isn't lying. She made up a story about going home from her mothers house alone to get some sleep. The kids were with their gran. I know she when to see her boyfriend but hopes that I will back her story up when the girls wonder where mommy went...it's all just a game and I never know what is real...plus, I made the mistake of finding her lover on Facebook...now I have his face to deal with..
 
#46 · (Edited)
Would you prefer she told you the truth, that she went to bang the other guy? Wasn't she banging other guys when you were married?

Both the truth and the lie would equally bother you. Until you move on.

Andy, moving on is not a destination. It is a journey. The pain will ease as long as you keep taking positive steps forward, even small steps help. You will have some setbacks but keep moving forward.

You will NEVER be free as long as they live in YOUR house? Are you still paying the mortgage or is the home paid for and wife is living rent free in your house.

You can lie to yourself that you are leaving the house so as to not disrupt the girls. But the girls need a healthy functioning father more than they need that house. And if they have to move it is because of the choice their mother made, not you.
 
#42 ·
You reap what you sow, Andy. You made the "mistake" of finding her boyfriend on FB? Really?!?

Whether or not she is lying about where she goes when you have the girls is not your problem. Your problem is you are not letting go.

You are where you are because you want to be. She is no longer doing these things to you; YOU are doing them to you.
 
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