Falling "IN LOVE" again - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Brief back ground then story. (look up Hoosier if you want the thread) 30 years married. in July 2011, my xw, upon my discovery of text messages. Literally packed two bags, walked five blocks and moved in with the OM. Divorced in 82 days, they married six months later, and remain married to this day. No contact since 2012. My three daughters, 26, 30, 32 and I remain close. Even tho one is 1200 miles away another is 1800 miles away. I hear from them nearly everyday and see them pretty often. I own my own business, and years of hard labor allow me a lot of flexability in my hours, time off. I have a great life! Many close friends, family, and not rich, but dont worry about money. Now my question:

In the five years I have been divorced, I have dated a few women, two of them long term, including my current gf who I have been seeing for two years. She is great. We are together 51 of 52 weekends. Her kids are out of the home as well. She and I enjoy the same tastes in music, same tastes in adventure, have traveled quite a bit, get along great. The problem is, at least a problem for her, is that I dont have the "cant do without her" feeling. (We get together on Wednesday nights during the week and then the weekend. Living 30 minutes apart.) I dont know if it is my age (57) but I remember a time when I just could not wait to see my wife, missed her a lot when we were apart, not there at all. With my gf I call/text her daily. But she wants more. I talked with her repeately when we first started dating, told her where I was, what my plans were. I havent changed. I wish I could have the feelings she desires, but dont think I would with anyone. Am I just broken?
You don't sound broken to me, but you do sound very independent without the desire for an interdependent relationship, which is what I'd need from a partner. It could be that you don't have this need with your gf or maybe you don't have this need at all. After 2 years though I think you'd know if you want to take it to the next level with her- and to me, that would mean an interdependent relationship in marriage. Sounds like she wants this from you and you simply don't. IMHO, she should let you know this and if you can't commit, cut you loose if she wants to be married again. But I'd encourage you to really ask yourself if you could see marriage (an interdependent relationship) with this woman, and if not, maybe it's time to let her go or be very honest with her that this is the most you're willing to give. Otherwise, it seems to me that you're leading her on.

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post #32 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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And that's his intention, of course (the guy you're dating, not necessarily Hoosier). He refuses to become attached and refuses to take a risk because he doesn't want to get hurt (again). Protecting himself is more important than having a truly intimate relationship; a real relationship isn't worth the risk to him.

Again, I dont consciously say to myself, "dont get attached! dont get to close" its just where I am. I wish I could just be all about our relationship, all moon pie in love again, I would welcome that feeling.
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post #33 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Again, I dont consciously say to myself, "dont get attached! dont get to close" its just where I am. I wish I could just be all about our relationship, all moon pie in love again, I would welcome that feeling.
Note: I was talking about her guy, not you.

Are you currently in IC, Hoosier? You may not be consciously saying it, but you may be saying it subconsciously. If you really want to feel that way about someone again, then why are you with the current GF when you admit that you don't feel that way about her? Something is holding you back from either moving forward with her, or from ending your relationship with her to get what you really want. And I don't think it's something consciously holding you back.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #34 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

"I feel for all of you here who have these partners who are so half hearted in their commitment. If they dont want to commit, then why did they date you in the first place? "

Dating is a lot of different things to different people. Just because one does not want to get married or move in with someone, does not mean that they should therfore disqualify themselves from dating. It might surprise you to know that there are women who would very much want to date a man in just the same way. If you would have your way, then that woman, and I, would be sent to our homes, never to meet, because of what we seek is different than you. Hows that a good idea?

As long as both people are very upfront in what they are looking for, and communicate those desires frequently then no one should have a problem. Can those desires change, certainly, probably. Then it is up to the person to determin if the relationship is working for them. If not, get out. But dont be mad at the other person because they were who they said they were and didnt change. geeez
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post #35 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Note: I was talking about her guy, not you.

Are you currently in IC, Hoosier? You may not be consciously saying it, but you may be saying it subconsciously. If you really want to feel that way about someone again, then why are you with the current GF when you admit that you don't feel that way about her? Something is holding you back from either moving forward with her, or from ending your relationship with her to get what you really want. And I don't think it's something consciously holding you back.
No, I am not currently in IC. I realize that it is very likely that i am sub telling myself to hold back, not allowing myself to go there. I never said I WANT to feel that way, in fact I am quite HAPPY the way I am. It is not that I dont love her, I do, she is a great woman, we are great. I am very content with what we have. I gave 110% of myself to my marriage, and my family. My kids are on their own, doing well, I only have me to worry about, I really like that. I have time, attention, property to share with someone, I am a very generous man. But I took my vows very seriously, now that I have been released from them I am in no hurry to sign back up.

FIP, I take no offense in your questions, and I hope you dont take any in my responses. I have followed your story on here for a long time. Just trying to be honest with my answers.
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post #36 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:03 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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No, I am not currently in IC. I realize that it is very likely that i am sub telling myself to hold back, not allowing myself to go there. I never said I WANT to feel that way, in fact I am quite HAPPY the way I am. It is not that I dont love her, I do, she is a great woman, we are great. I am very content with what we have. I gave 110% of myself to my marriage, and my family. My kids are on their own, doing well, I only have me to worry about, I really like that. I have time, attention, property to share with someone, I am a very generous man. But I took my vows very seriously, now that I have been released from them I am in no hurry to sign back up.

FIP, I take no offense in your questions, and I hope you dont take any in my responses. I have followed your story on here for a long time. Just trying to be honest with my answers.
But the point is that your gf isn't content with what you have, which after 2 years, wouldn't work for me either. No fault on your end for dating, but it sounds to me like it's time to fish or cut bait, because she's telling you she wants/needs more, and in my mind, rightfully so. No way would this arrangement work for me with a man I love and after 2 years.
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post #37 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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if not, maybe it's time to let her go or be very honest with her that this is the most you're willing to give. Otherwise, it seems to me that you're leading her on.
I have told her, many times, I will again.
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post #38 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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No, I am not currently in IC. I realize that it is very likely that i am sub telling myself to hold back, not allowing myself to go there. I never said I WANT to feel that way, in fact I am quite HAPPY the way I am. It is not that I dont love her, I do, she is a great woman, we are great. I am very content with what we have. I gave 110% of myself to my marriage, and my family. My kids are on their own, doing well, I only have me to worry about, I really like that. I have time, attention, property to share with someone, I am a very generous man. But I took my vows very seriously, now that I have been released from them I am in no hurry to sign back up.

FIP, I take no offense in your questions, and I hope you dont take any in my responses. I have followed your story on here for a long time. Just trying to be honest with my answers.
No offense taken in your answers, either, and honesty is always appreciated

All due respect, you did say that you want to feel this way again. I quote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Formally known as Hoosier View Post
Again, I dont consciously say to myself, "dont get attached! dont get to close" its just where I am. I wish I could just be all about our relationship, all moon pie in love again, I would welcome that feeling.
I can understand being in no hurry. I'm not in a hurry, either. My frustration with my not-boyfriend is that he refuses to even consider the possibility of a LTR or getting married again. I'm not trying to drag him down to the justice of the peace or anything, I just want him to consider the possibility. Because I'm definitely not ready to get married again anytime soon.

It's almost as if he blames the failure of his marriage on the actual institution and act of getting married, even though he recognizes that he made a poor choice in his XW because he was crazy in love with her, there were red flags all over the place before the marriage that he chose to ignore, and once they were married he said that he was not as attentive as he could have been and she cheated. (Cliff notes version, obviously.) And it's like there's this block in his head or he has tunnel vision, that the way his former marriage turned out is the only possible outcome if he gets married again. And I'm thinking, dude, it doesn't have to be like that if you don't want to, if you make a better choice in partner the second time around, and you make better choices in how you are as a husband.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #39 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I don't think you're broken.

I don't believe in soul mates but I really think there is a feeling or connection when you find the right person. I never had that feeling of needing anyone until I met my husband, then I couldn't get enough of him. Why him, not any other guys I dated? They weren't jerks.
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post #40 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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But the point is that your gf isn't content with what you have, which after 2 years, wouldn't work for me either. No fault on your end for dating, but it sounds to me like it's time to fish or cut bait, because she's telling you she wants/needs more, and in my mind, rightfully so. No way would this arrangement work for me with a man I love and after 2 years.
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I have told her, many times, I will again.
Women almost always hope they will be the woman who changes his mind, that she will be the one to soften his heart and he will come around.

If she hasn't already accepted that you have no intentions of changing, you may have to be the one to end it.

And next time, seek out a woman who is emotionally unavailable and wants the same thing that you want


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #41 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Diana7, I wish I could love this post instead of just like it. I refuse to let past hurts keep me from living a full life, to keep me from trusting, hoping, and loving again. Nothing worth having comes without risk. I've been through the worst that life could throw at me... whatever else happens is a piece of cake compared to that. Well, maybe not. But I'm strong enough to take whatever disappointment and pain life throws at me, because the reward is so much greater than the risk.
Thank you, and good for you. My brother has had 2 wives who cheated on him,and 2 divorces as well as the same parent issues that I had. He now has a really nice partner of a few years and is happy. Thank goodness he didn't build up those walls and imprison himself.
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post #42 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I have told her, many times, I will again.
Yet you are still with her.
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post #43 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:30 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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"I feel for all of you here who have these partners who are so half hearted in their commitment. If they dont want to commit, then why did they date you in the first place? "

Dating is a lot of different things to different people. Just because one does not want to get married or move in with someone, does not mean that they should therfore disqualify themselves from dating. It might surprise you to know that there are women who would very much want to date a man in just the same way. If you would have your way, then that woman, and I, would be sent to our homes, never to meet, because of what we seek is different than you. Hows that a good idea?

As long as both people are very upfront in what they are looking for, and communicate those desires frequently then no one should have a problem. Can those desires change, certainly, probably. Then it is up to the person to determin if the relationship is working for them. If not, get out. But dont be mad at the other person because they were who they said they were and didnt change. geeez
Yet its not working for you is it. This semi casual relationship.
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post #44 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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No, what is cruel is to think someone is using you because they won't commit to a relationship under your expectations
Most people in a long term relationship expect commitment of some sort.
Rightly so.
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post #45 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Yet you are still with her.
Because it works for the OP and he's content. It's really on her to end things at this point, but like FIP says, women want to believe they'll change the guy's mind.

I think FIP nailed it- OP needs to find someone as independent as he is, who has no desire for an interdependent relationship. Easier said than done, I'm sure. It's painful to let go of a good thing and I've seen several of my friends (women) struggle to let go of someone who simply couldn't give them what they wanted. Ultimately, the OP needs to recognize that his gf is settling in this relationship- she wants more.
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