Falling "IN LOVE" again - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #46 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Thank you, and good for you. My brother has had 2 wives who cheated on him,and 2 divorces as well as the same parent issues that I had. He now has a really nice partner of a few years and is happy. Thank goodness he didn't build up those walls and imprison himself.
I'm happy for him!

I think, why punish yourself and put yourself in this prison because someone else behaved poorly and betrayed you? YOU didn't do wrong, why are you punishing yourself and closing yourself off from something that could bring you so much joy and security and warmth and support? Life is hard enough as it is, you need to take happiness and love and revel in it when offered.


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post #47 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I am so glad that I didn't get those things stop me from trusting and hoping and loving and committing again. Much of life is a risk, we either stay in our self imposed prisons and live a cold lonely life, or we step out and enjoy the warmth and colour and freedom.The choice is ours.

I have never regretted marrying my second husband of 11 years, in fact we have both helped each other to heal more. How sad if I had missed out on what I have now because of fear(because its all about fear).
@Diana7

You have an unrealistic and blatantly false that marriage somehow signifies a greater level of commitment than an exclusive relationship between two partners who live together, share their lives under the same roof and maybe have children together, who have decided against the often failed concept of marriage. Even the failure of your first marriage exposes the fallacy of your reasoning- marriage promises nothing, it's no greater commitment, people break their vows and promises all the time, the only difference is when a marriage fails you need to spend lots of money to get out of it.

But I understand that you are trapped in a web that you have spun yourself, with yet more illogical and unreasonable beliefs, as you post here:

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For us who were both very hurt and betrayed by our first spouses after long marriages, it was always going be a a commitment or nothing, as we don't believe in sex or living together outside marriage.
Your old fashioned, illogical, and "all or nothing" (Marriage or nothing) beliefs make it much more likely that you will be under pressure to jump into the "prison" that marriages often become because one or both partners decide they like someone else better or the feelings they have for their spouse simply evaporate over time or whatever other multitude of reasons people suddenly realize they no longer want to be with the person they intended to spend the rest of their lives with.
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post #48 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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No, what is cruel is to think someone is using you because they won't commit to a relationship under your expectations
@Ynot

It's not cruel for @Diana7 to think that marriage signifies a greater level of commitment nor is it cruel that she doesn't believe in sex outside of a marriage or that she honestly believes that a relationship that doesn't culminate in marriage is somehow inferior. It's not cruel that despite @Diana7 's first marriage crashed and burned along with the marriages of at least 2 of her siblings she still thinks the failed concept of marriage has some sort of validity to it.

Heck, there are still some people who believe the earth is flat. That isn't cruel either. It's just.. sad.
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post #49 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

i guess what gets me in my circumstance is he keeps telling me lets see where it leads. As if there is a possibility of things developing to something more. But honestly after 2 years, you should feel something, know something. If I gave him pause, I could understand but I have never cheated in any of my relationships and have been nothing but good to him. Its sad he cant let go enough to trust me and maybe feel something. I think he is a good guy at his core but a broken one too.

I put my self out there after my broken marriage. I guess I need to find someone willing to do the same. Its sad.


Hoosier: I do want to say I appreciate your honesty. This is really helping me to understand my guy as well. At least you are asking the question to yourself (or are self aware). I am not sure many men are doing that.

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post #50 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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@Ynot

It's not cruel for @Diana7 to think that marriage signifies a greater level of commitment nor is it cruel that she doesn't believe in sex outside of a marriage or that she honestly believes that a relationship that doesn't culminate in marriage is somehow inferior. It's not cruel that despite @Diana7 's first marriage crashed and burned along with the marriages of at least 2 of her siblings she still thinks the failed concept of marriage has some sort of validity to it.

Heck, there are still some people who believe the earth is flat. That isn't cruel either. It's just.. sad.
I agree with your conclusions and all of your post prior to that, but what I was specifically addressing was her idea that dating is a commitment. Even her follow up where she changed dating to relationship. As long as the OP has been honest, that is the only expectation one should have. At that point it becomes their decision to continue and not yours. She has this idea that someone somehow owes her if she commits, otherwise they are just "using" her

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post #51 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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She has this idea that someone somehow owes her if she commits, otherwise they are just "using" her
@Diana7 appears to be speaking from fear and hurt, no surprise given how her first marriage ended.
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post #52 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

OP, the fact that you are asking yourself this question is a great thing. You have attained a level of self awareness that many never get to. You are in control of your life and you get to choose. A consequence of your choice may be that your GF decides to end it. At that point you still get to decide. You get to decide if she is worth it or not. Just as she has gotten to decide for herself. The only thing you owe anyone else is honesty, which is all that you should expect from anyone else.

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post #53 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I've read this thread too long and I'm seeing a lot of issues. People are using imprecise language to describe the emotions they feel. I saw LOVE, commitment, and secure. The one I keep looking for is Vulnerable. In a way I see Hoosiers girl saying I Can't be Secure with you because you aren't vulnerable to me.

I'm sure it is more complicated than that and I do tend to focus on power in the relationship. Here are my thoughts on vulnerability. No relationship is without risk. Even you already admit that if this relationship ends you will be hurt. FIP is dancing around the difference between inter-dependency and codependency, which is really A healthy level of dependency vs. an unhealthy level of dependency. What you need to realize is that your wall is not effectively protecting you from dependence. And it really can't. You will always be dependent on something.

I have a friend who is a self proclaimed Hermit. How can that statement be true? how can he be a Hermit, and have a friend? But he has many friends. Most of us see him on his terms, we don't visit him at his house. We don't pop in unexpectedly. But even with his self imposed distance he relies on other people. He gets happiness (quite a bit of it to judge by his demeanor) out of his interactions with groups of people. We all know that he could survive without us, but we remain friendly with him because we are rewarded emotionally for being around him.

I do think a healthy relationship can be built with a limited amount of mutual dependence. Probably not with this particular woman.
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post #54 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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OP, the fact that you are asking yourself this question is a great thing. You have attained a level of self awareness that many never get to. You are in control of your life and you get to choose. A consequence of your choice may be that your GF decides to end it. At that point you still get to decide. You get to decide if she is worth it or not. Just as she has gotten to decide for herself. The only thing you owe anyone else is honesty, which is all that you should expect from anyone else.
Exactly my thoughts....

I always allow that I may be wrong. but these are my thoughts.
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post #55 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

Taking a second to thank everyone for their replies, those I agree with and those I dont, as I appreciate your time and effort.

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post #56 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Its SO worth it.
I have been deeply hurt and/or betrayed by many in my life, not least by my first husband of 23 years, a parent who committed suicide, and a father who cheated on and betrayed my mother and us children. I probably had far more baggage than most.

I am so glad that I didn't get those things stop me from trusting and hoping and loving and committing again. Much of life is a risk, we either stay in our self imposed prisons and live a cold lonely life, or we step out and enjoy the warmth and colour and freedom.The choice is ours.

I have never regretted marrying my second husband of 11 years, in fact we have both helped each other to heal more. How sad if I had missed out on what I have now because of fear(because its all about fear).
This is great that you were able to process and move on. For many of us it's just not the same and never will be. We move forward just the same though and find life fulfilling in other ways. For some of us the "in love deep feeling blind trust and commitment" is a one time thing and when it's betrayed that opportunity is gone forever.
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post #57 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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OP, I think you (and others) err in describing yourselves as "broken". You aren't broken, you are changed. I think that that change comes from whatever happened to us and how we perceive it. If you had totally invested in your marriage and were left or cheated on, you might perceive your experience as betrayal. On the other hand another person may perceive the same situation as being unfulfilled or unappreciated or abandoned (as in my SO cheated because they didn't love me as I want to be loved). This may be the case with your GF. If she felt somewhat abandoned as opposed to feeling betrayed, she might be looking to feel the void of being abandoned, whereas you are looking to protect your wound of being betrayed.
I don't know which is a better way of looking at things. You see it as getting over a "childish" need to be loved (which you no longer believe in) by another, whereas she sees it as finding that true love (which she still believes in).
As I type this I guess it comes down to realism vs idealism?
Personally I felt betrayal from my divorce. I had invested 110% into my marriage. Now I look at love as a temporary thing, because I know that is what it is. I have met women and men who feel the same way. I have also met women and men who are still on that quest. (Ironically, there appears to be some correlation to religious belief)
This exactly. I am not broken but what has happend to me has radically changed my view on things like love, commitment, marriage and relationships. And honestly most of those changes are very good. I am very different from the man who lived all things for his wife.
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post #58 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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i guess what gets me in my circumstance is he keeps telling me lets see where it leads. As if there is a possibility of things developing to something more. But honestly after 2 years, you should feel something's ing, know something. If I gave him pause, I could understand but I have never cheated in any of my relationships and have been nothing but good to him. Its sad he cant let go enough to trust me and maybe feel something. I think he is a good guy at his core but a broken one too.

I put my self out there after my broken marriage. I guess I need to find someone willing to do the same. Its sad.


Hoosier: I do want to say I appreciate your honesty. This is really helping me to understand my guy as well. At least you are asking the question to yourself (or are self aware). I am not sure many men are doing that.
what is it you would like him to know?

I ask because I know if I were ever to take the marriage plunge again it would take years and years of dating to get there. 2 years In the grand scheme doesn't seem like long at all
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post #59 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I do want to thank you all for sharing. This has been one of the most enlightening threads in a long time. You cannot feel compassion for someone unless you understand where they are coming from. You all have shed some light on things.
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post #60 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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what is it you would like him to know?

I ask because I know if I were ever to take the marriage plunge again it would take years and years of dating to get there. 2 years In the grand scheme doesn't seem like long at all
First of all, I am not looking to get married or live together. But I think I would want him to know that he loves me, that there is a future or some greater committment to work towards. I have smaller children and I want to know he is going to be more involved with them down the road.

He is very out of touch with his emotions which he readily admits. He tells me he doesnt know why but since the divorce, he is emotionally disconnected. His words. I want him to be able to tell me he loves me and mean it. I want to meet his family (i have met one daughter and one cousin). In fairness to him, both our families live out of State. And vacation together.

I feel we live two different lives that come together every other weekend when the kids are gone and we are both in town.
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