Falling "IN LOVE" again - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:07 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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OP, the fact that you are asking yourself this question is a great thing. You have attained a level of self awareness that many never get to. You are in control of your life and you get to choose. A consequence of your choice may be that your GF decides to end it. At that point you still get to decide. You get to decide if she is worth it or not. Just as she has gotten to decide for herself. The only thing you owe anyone else is honesty, which is all that you should expect from anyone else.
No, I don't agree with the bolded. At this point SHE has decided. That is a consequence of your (general your) decision to not commit. When she decides to end it because she's not getting her needs met, the decision is hers and out of your hands.

Hoosier, I don't think this debate is about marriage vs living together/commitment. I honestly think in your case it's about the probable fact that she isn't the one for you. I believe that there is someone out there who will put you right back into that seat where you want to commit, whether that means marriage or living together or whatever. But, you won't want to let her go. Just because you got burned once, your head might not be in the game yet. But once your heart heals, you can't hold it back. You can engage your head to try to build walls, which is what I think FIP's Real Estate is doing. But in the long run, the heart rules.

You have told your girlfriend of 2 years that you don't feel the way she wants you to feel. If that is honest, then you will be okay when she walks away. Because she will. Right now she is likely biding her time, contemplating moving on. She will.

Even after the hurt, I still believe in love. I believe in two people being intertwined, both physically and emotionally. So it didn't work this last time around for me. I blame him mostly but also myself, because after some time I believe I miscalculated love for addiction and a need to not fail. That's not what love is, and I knew it.

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post #77 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:57 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

Regarding you situation, FKAH, the old saying, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free" comes to mind. If you were not getting your needs met on a regular basis, would you find yourself wanting to make a commitment to her so you could get "it"?

Or it could be that you have built up an emotional wall due to the past hurt of your cheating XW. How would you feel if she said she was going to break up with you if you don't make a commitment in a given amount of time?
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post #78 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 08:17 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I didn't read the whole thread. I read a few posts on the first page, along with the opening post. I think it is pretty normal for those who have been hurt badly to be this way. We can't go back to loving the way we used to do. Even my therapist told me that we love everyone differently.

So, I think the blinders have come off. You have grown up and are less able to live in denial. I call it denial because I truly think it is. When we love that hard, that we can't think of anything else, or we hurt inside when we are not with the person, it is a belief that we have in things which are not real.

We love someone who is not real. In reality, the person we love is not the person in our mind. We have made up or filled in the blanks and believe our own dreams whole-heartedly. We place that person on a pedestal and they become more than they ever were.

I think it's dangerous in a few ways. One way is they can never live up to the person we love in our mind. We think they are that person, but they will soon realize they are not the one loved and will feel disconnected, rejected, and never enough for us. They will come to believe we don't love them at all.

I think we set ourselves up to rug sweep and become a doormat when we feel this type of obsessive love. I think we will cater to them in ways they will find cause them to lose respect for us. I think we will cater because we subconsciously want them to live up to that woman we love in our mind.

I think it is best to love the woman for who she is in real life. Be dissatisfied with who she is in real life and work through those feelings with her. Allow her to be dissatisfied with us and work through those issues. Do all of those things in real time with compassion, healthy communication and loving compromise, and you will love each other for the imperfect humans you are, not those dreams in your head.

The other thing that bothers me a little is, I feel like a woman who says these things wants the ability to control you by your emotions. That frightens me because I can be controlled by my love, guilt, fears, and desire for joy. I think you need to have a talk with someone knowledgeable in these ideas and with your girlfriend, love interest, etc.

I don't want to be controlled. I doubt you do. I don't know any woman who wants to be controlled.

Random thoughts on this. I don't mean for them to cause you issues. They are just what came up for me when I read your opening post.

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post #79 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:20 AM
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Cool Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Originally Posted by Formally known as Hoosier View Post
Brief back ground then story. (look up Hoosier if you want the thread) 30 years married. in July 2011, my xw, upon my discovery of text messages. Literally packed two bags, walked five blocks and moved in with the OM. Divorced in 82 days, they married six months later, and remain married to this day. No contact since 2012. My three daughters, 26, 30, 32 and I remain close. Even tho one is 1200 miles away another is 1800 miles away. I hear from them nearly everyday and see them pretty often. I own my own business, and years of hard labor allow me a lot of flexability in my hours, time off. I have a great life! Many close friends, family, and not rich, but dont worry about money. Now my question:

In the five years I have been divorced, I have dated a few women, two of them long term, including my current gf who I have been seeing for two years. She is great. We are together 51 of 52 weekends. Her kids are out of the home as well. She and I enjoy the same tastes in music, same tastes in adventure, have traveled quite a bit, get along great. The problem is, at least a problem for her, is that I dont have the "cant do without her" feeling. (We get together on Wednesday nights during the week and then the weekend. Living 30 minutes apart.) I dont know if it is my age (57) but I remember a time when I just could not wait to see my wife, missed her a lot when we were apart, not there at all. With my gf I call/text her daily. But she wants more. I talked with her repeately when we first started dating, told her where I was, what my plans were. I havent changed. I wish I could have the feelings she desires, but dont think I would with anyone. Am I just broken?
Having had my heart broken twice by my XW's heartless infidelity, whenever the woman who next comes along that turns Ol' Arb's head, I greatly surmise that I'll probably be the very same way as you are now!

I've found that while you still longingly yearn for love, you basically just become somewhat numb to it!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #80 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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No, I don't agree with the bolded. At this point SHE has decided. That is a consequence of your (general your) decision to not commit. When she decides to end it because she's not getting her needs met, the decision is hers and out of your hands.

Hoosier, I don't think this debate is about marriage vs living together/commitment. I honestly think in your case it's about the probable fact that she isn't the one for you. I believe that there is someone out there who will put you right back into that seat where you want to commit, whether that means marriage or living together or whatever. But, you won't want to let her go. Just because you got burned once, your head might not be in the game yet. But once your heart heals, you can't hold it back. You can engage your head to try to build walls, which is what I think FIP's Real Estate is doing. But in the long run, the heart rules.

You have told your girlfriend of 2 years that you don't feel the way she wants you to feel. If that is honest, then you will be okay when she walks away. Because she will. Right now she is likely biding her time, contemplating moving on. She will.

Even after the hurt, I still believe in love. I believe in two people being intertwined, both physically and emotionally. So it didn't work this last time around for me. I blame him mostly but also myself, because after some time I believe I miscalculated love for addiction and a need to not fail. That's not what love is, and I knew it.
What is there to disagree with? He still gets to decide. He gets to decide whether she was worth it or not. That doesn't mean she has to change her mind. But say he decided she was worth it but it is too late for THIS relationship. Perhaps the next time he feels that way he will decide to open up sooner to prevent losing her. We always have a choice, regardless of how things end up. It is called learning a lesson

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Last edited by Ynot; 03-11-2017 at 10:27 AM.
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post #81 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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What is there to disagree with? He still gets to decide. He gets to decide whether she was worth it or not. That doesn't mean she has to change her mind. But say he decided she was worth it but it is too late for THIS relationship. Perhaps the next time he feels that way he will decide to open up sooner to prevent losing her. We always have a choice, regardless of how things end up. It is called learning a lesson
Sure, he can decide if she was worth it. I just meant he won't necessarily get to decide he suddenly wants to be with her more than anything and have that happen.

I don't know, maybe it's me, but I just haven't had that many relationships where I have felt head over heels in love and that I wanted nothing more than to be with this person. Two such relationships, actually (and my marriage was not one of them). So this is just me and my situation, but I wouldn't (especially at my age) be so sure that another one was going to come along. Then again, those feelings WERE there for me in those 2 relationships, and that doesn't seem to be the case for the OP.
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post #82 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Sure, he can decide if she was worth it. I just meant he won't necessarily get to decide he suddenly wants to be with her more than anything and have that happen.

I don't know, maybe it's me, but I just haven't had that many relationships where I have felt head over heels in love and that I wanted nothing more than to be with this person. Two such relationships, actually (and my marriage was not one of them). So this is just me and my situation, but I wouldn't (especially at my age) be so sure that another one was going to come along. Then again, those feelings WERE there for me in those 2 relationships, and that doesn't seem to be the case for the OP.
He might decide exactly that, but it may be too late. Another lesson learned.

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post #83 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:41 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I can't for the life of me find it, but I think someone once posted a link to a study/article showing that men (on average) take a lot longer to heal from betrayal than women.
THat wasn't so in our case. It was several years before I felt ready to even think of another men, whereas my now husband and I met and married very soon after his marriage ended.

Its a decision to trust and commit again.
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post #84 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 05:55 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I think trust is earned. I think we can decide to commit.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

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post #85 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

My girlfriend recently told me she loves me, I responded with a song...


... so I got away with not returning it ^_^

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post #86 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 04:20 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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My girlfriend recently told me she loves me, I responded with a song...

... so I got away with not returning it ^_^
Hmmm... if my guy responded like that to me, he would not hear the "I love you" again.

But maybe that was the point?
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post #87 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 06:00 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

Ah, but did he sing?

Anyway that was a month ago, girlfriend knew from the start that I was going to need some time, and her patience is slowly paying off since I sang this for her just yesterday, one month after she confessed her love:


Ice takes time to melt after all
Still melting... slowly -.-
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post #88 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:22 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

He did sing, actually.

Perched on the front step
in the darkness
Feeling the rain
on my face
Remembering the pain
but also the joy when you sang
What A Wonderful World
to this woman far away
as the waves crashed below you
at the end of your day.


It doesn't have to be those exact three words. I totally agree. But you showed it by singing that song to her. Good on you.

But you might want to consider using the three words one day soon.
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post #89 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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He might decide exactly that, but it may be too late. Another lesson learned.
I realize that she may walk at any time. I know I would miss her, we have done tons of fun things together, we are a lot a like, but the thought does not scare me (maybe it should). It would and is her choice to be together. But wonder how long she will want to continue.

As for having the "Love" emotions. That is why I started this thread. I dont feel them, and I am a feeling type of guy. That part of me is just kind of hollow. I am not upset that it doesnt happen, not really at all, but long term relationships kinda call for it I am finding out.
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post #90 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I realize that she may walk at any time. I know I would miss her, we have done tons of fun things together, we are a lot a like, but the thought does not scare me (maybe it should). It would and is her choice to be together. But wonder how long she will want to continue.

As for having the "Love" emotions. That is why I started this thread. I dont feel them, and I am a feeling type of guy. That part of me is just kind of hollow. I am not upset that it doesnt happen, not really at all, but long term relationships kinda call for it I am finding out.
I hear you brother. I am in that same boat. I will enjoy the company, but I am not interested in losing myself again in a relationship. Call it hollow, call it emotional detachment, call it whatever you like. But this is me, now. I lost myself before. Now I have found me, I don't intend to lose me again.
I don't think it is so much that you don't have "love" emotions, it is just that they are directed at yourself now and not some one else. That isn't a bad thing. In fact I wish more people would understand that. Their idea of "love" is to give up who you are in order to commit to them. I have just started learning to commit to myself (for probably the first time in my life) I have no intention of redirecting that commitment to someone else.
Perhaps in time, it may happen. Once I have found my true self. But in the meantime, I will just be honest with everyone else.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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