Falling "IN LOVE" again - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:10 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Brief back ground then story. (look up Hoosier if you want the thread) 30 years married. in July 2011, my xw, upon my discovery of text messages. Literally packed two bags, walked five blocks and moved in with the OM. Divorced in 82 days, they married six months later, and remain married to this day. No contact since 2012. My three daughters, 26, 30, 32 and I remain close. Even tho one is 1200 miles away another is 1800 miles away. I hear from them nearly everyday and see them pretty often. I own my own business, and years of hard labor allow me a lot of flexability in my hours, time off. I have a great life! Many close friends, family, and not rich, but dont worry about money. Now my question:

In the five years I have been divorced, I have dated a few women, two of them long term, including my current gf who I have been seeing for two years. She is great. We are together 51 of 52 weekends. Her kids are out of the home as well. She and I enjoy the same tastes in music, same tastes in adventure, have traveled quite a bit, get along great. The problem is, at least a problem for her, is that I dont have the "cant do without her" feeling. (We get together on Wednesday nights during the week and then the weekend. Living 30 minutes apart.) I dont know if it is my age (57) but I remember a time when I just could not wait to see my wife, missed her a lot when we were apart, not there at all. With my gf I call/text her daily. But she wants more. I talked with her repeately when we first started dating, told her where I was, what my plans were. I havent changed. I wish I could have the feelings she desires, but dont think I would with anyone. Am I just broken?

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post #92 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I see a pattern in the men posting here. All are midlife, and all have not wanted the divorce. So heartbreak and disappointment have hardened things for you all.

I was talking about this thread to a man I know who is single in his late forties. He has been through quite abit with his exes but never married. He suggested there is a difference between being guarded and emotionally unattached. He says he is guarded and would love to feel that way again but life is too short to do crazy again. He also says marriage is not off the table but not a priority either.

My question is: Are you just guarded with your feelings still willing to go there with the right person or do you think you are forever emotionally detached from feeling love again? Is it the same thing to you? Does time with the person change it from guarded to free to feel or it is only the person themselves? Do you not care whether you feel in love again? What is the most important goal of having a relationship with someone if you dont have in love feelings for them?
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post #93 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I see a pattern in the men posting here. All are midlife, and all have not wanted the divorce. So heartbreak and disappointment have hardened things for you all.

I was talking about this thread to a man I know who is single in his late forties. He has been through quite abit with his exes but never married. He suggested there is a difference between being guarded and emotionally unattached. He says he is guarded and would love to feel that way again but life is too short to do crazy again. He also says marriage is not off the table but not a priority either.

My question is: Are you just guarded with your feelings still willing to go there with the right person or do you think you are forever emotionally detached from feeling love again? Is it the same thing to you? Does time with the person change it from guarded to free to feel or it is only the person themselves? Do you not care whether you feel in love again? What is the most important goal of having a relationship with someone if you dont have in love feelings for them?
Speaking for myself, I believe I may forever be detached. I dont know if I care if I feel in love again. I have a great life, answer really to no one, dont feel like I am missing anything by not being in a cohabitational arrangment. As for my goal in relationship, it is pretty much what I have, and maybe thats why I am not interested in changing. I have companionship, companionship that I truly enjoy, the sex is plentiful and awesome, and I have my alone time which I chearish so much. I would like to keep it here, but the non committment is starting to cause its problems.
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post #94 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Speaking for myself, I believe I may forever be detached. I dont know if I care if I feel in love again. I have a great life, answer really to no one, dont feel like I am missing anything by not being in a cohabitational arrangment. As for my goal in relationship, it is pretty much what I have, and maybe thats why I am not interested in changing. I have companionship, companionship that I truly enjoy, the sex is plentiful and awesome, and I have my alone time which I chearish so much. I would like to keep it here, but the non committment is starting to cause its problems.
While you didn't mention it, is there not also some element of knowing that you each have to work at things to keep it going rather than falling into the pattern of many marriages in which the "work" stops because of all the assumptions and expectations that come from the "commitment" of marriage?

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post #95 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:37 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I see a pattern in the men posting here. All are midlife, and all have not wanted the divorce. So heartbreak and disappointment have hardened things for you all.
I didn't want the divorce at first. She started it, recanted but I was too far gone and finished it.

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He suggested there is a difference between being guarded and emotionally unattached.
It's a matter of degree.

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He also says marriage is not off the table
Then he is destined to making the same mistakes over and over again despite the commonly accepted definition of insanity.

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Are you just guarded with your feelings still willing to go there with the right person or do you think you are forever emotionally detached from feeling love again?
We're together 5 years. Second longest relationship of my life, second only to my 18 year failed marriage. She says I used to be emotionally detached but I've made great strides. I think I'm still emotionally detached and I haven't made great strides and don't really intend to change all that much and I tell her that all the time to which she just smiles and gives a knowing smile and a nod for whatever that's worth. I'll probably hold my emotional cards close to my vest until they seal my casket. Too little to gain, too much to lose.

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Does time with the person change it from guarded to free to feel or it is only the person themselves? Do you not care whether you feel in love again? What is the most important goal of having a relationship with someone if you dont have in love feelings for them?
Time together always helps to some degree. How much change depends on the person and their capabilities and willingness to be vulnerable. Do I care how much further in love or how open I get? No, not really although again my GF would probably disagree and say I really am not in touch with myself.

My goals in a relationship are to have a close female friend with whom I can be close but not too close and share my thoughts fears and feelings (to some extent) and do to all sorts of fun activities with and have sex with, who I can care for and who can care for me, while maintaining a safe emotional distance so if things go south I can bail without too much collateral damage.

Last edited by browser; 03-16-2017 at 02:01 PM.
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post #96 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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We're together 5 years. Second longest relationship of my life, second only to my 18 year failed marriage. She says I used to be emotionally detached but I've made great strides. I think I'm still emotionally detached and I haven't made great strides and don't really intend to change all that much and I tell her that all the time to which she just smiles and gives a knowing smile and a nod for whatever that's worth. I'll probably hold my emotional cards close to my vest until they seal my casket. Too little to gain, too much to lose.
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My goals in a relationship are to have a close female friend with whom I can be close but not too close and share my thoughts fears and feelings (to some extent) and do to all sorts of fun activities with and have sex with, who I can care for and who can care for me, while maintaining a safe emotional distance so if things go south I can bail without too much collateral damage.
I just don't understand how these men can be so analytical and clinical and detached. Were you really hurt that bad that you could never risk it again?

Don't take this personally, browser, please -- because obviously I don't know you. But why is your girlfriend with you? I can only assume (from what you've said) that she wants more. Why would she settle for less, for all this time? I personally have been in love and devastated, not all that long ago, and I want that "in love" emotional closeness more than anything! I just honestly don't get it. I wouldn't be with you (or the others who have posted similarly to you) because I would be able to sense that very soon into the relationship.

Or maybe you are being more stoic here on the forum than you actually are? Your girlfriend indicated that you made great strides in terms of not being emotionally detached, but you denied it. Maybe you are in denial about it? Honestly, this is just curiosity on my part because I don't understand how men can operate like this, or why they would even want to.
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post #97 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I just don't understand how these men can be so analytical and clinical and detached. Were you really hurt that bad that you could never risk it again?
Yes. I thought that was obvious.

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Don't take this personally, browser, please -- because obviously I don't know you. But why is your girlfriend with you?
I have a big penis and I know how to use it.

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I can only assume (from what you've said) that she wants more. Why would she settle for less, for all this time? I personally have been in love and devastated, not all that long ago, and I want that "in love" emotional closeness more than anything! I just honestly don't get it. I wouldn't be with you (or the others who have posted similarly to you) because I would be able to sense that very soon into the relationship.
She says the way I was when we first met, wasn't too promising. But she saw signs so she stuck it out and it was worth it.

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Or maybe you are being more stoic here on the forum than you actually are? Your girlfriend indicated that you made great strides in terms of not being emotionally detached, but you denied it. Maybe you are in denial about it? Honestly, this is just curiosity on my part because I don't understand how men can operate like this, or why they would even want to.
My GF would say that yes, this is the case. I was in therapy for a year or so and I worked through a bunch of stuff, and she said I completely changed and progressed during that time and I am totally different than I was when we first met. I just don't see it but she insists. She wasn't happy to see me quit therapy but I had enough for now.
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post #98 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

Interesting. Thanks for the honest reply!

So if she walked away tomorrow, you would not be devastated?

I would definitely take the risk to have that "in love" feeling again. No risks, no rewards (although I guess if you - general you - are okay with things the way they are, the 'no rewards' part might not be true).

Maybe it's a gender thing.

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I have a big penis and I know how to use it.
Well, maybe I WOULD stay with you a little while. LOL
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post #99 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Interesting. Thanks for the honest reply!

So if she walked away tomorrow, you would not be devastated?
I don't know how I'd feel but it wouldn't be one of my better days.

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Well, maybe I WOULD stay with you a little while. LOL
She did have 4 orgasms the other night. Maybe she IS using me for my body.

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post #100 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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She did have 4 orgasms the other night.
Stop. You're making me envious.

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Maybe she IS using me for my body.
But that's kind of what you want, right?

Actually I think you WOULD be devastated. I think you are more emotionally involved than you want to admit. The head can control the heart only so much. The heart wants what the heart wants, you know?

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post #101 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I just don't understand how these men can be so analytical and clinical and detached. Were you really hurt that bad that you could never risk it again?

Don't take this personally, browser, please -- because obviously I don't know you. But why is your girlfriend with you? I can only assume (from what you've said) that she wants more. Why would she settle for less, for all this time? I personally have been in love and devastated, not all that long ago, and I want that "in love" emotional closeness more than anything! I just honestly don't get it. I wouldn't be with you (or the others who have posted similarly to you) because I would be able to sense that very soon into the relationship.

Or maybe you are being more stoic here on the forum than you actually are? Your girlfriend indicated that you made great strides in terms of not being emotionally detached, but you denied it. Maybe you are in denial about it? Honestly, this is just curiosity on my part because I don't understand how men can operate like this, or why they would even want to.
I know this wasn't directed at me, but I figured I'd expound on some of the comments. In addition to what Browser said (and I agree with his assessment) the dating situation is skewed in favor of men once they hit mid 30's or later (if they are successful and decent guys). Imagine if you could have all of your needs met without the emotional risk. What would you do? I'm not saying it's right and I'm not saying the men won't change, just that men might be valuing different things in a relationship and getting their needs met without the emotional investment. And there are plenty of women that are OK with that so there is no need to change.
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post #102 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:42 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I'm willing to bet that plenty of women are ok with that for a while....but many are like the OP's gf and find it's not satisfying long-term.
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post #103 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:34 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I know this wasn't directed at me, but I figured I'd expound on some of the comments. In addition to what Browser said (and I agree with his assessment) the dating situation is skewed in favor of men once they hit mid 30's or later (if they are successful and decent guys). Imagine if you could have all of your needs met without the emotional risk. What would you do? I'm not saying it's right and I'm not saying the men won't change, just that men might be valuing different things in a relationship and getting their needs met without the emotional investment. And there are plenty of women that are OK with that so there is no need to change.

Actually it was directed at anyone and everyone who felt that same way.

"Imagine if you could have all of your needs met without the emotional investment." But that IS my need - the emotional investment. And along with that, the need for companionship, physical intimacy, etc.

I agree with Jessica that there are probably fewer women who are okay with the lack of emotional investment long-term than you think.
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post #104 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:23 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

In the photos me and my girlfriend took, my friends and family all say my eyes have softened. Which is a pretty bad sign, means my guard is down.

Emotions is like a river, you can have a wall or dam to hold it back but once you let it through, even though it starts with just a crack, it's really hard to hold back the tide.

Maybe it's too late for me now as much as I fight it.
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post #105 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:17 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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In the photos me and my girlfriend took, my friends and family all say my eyes have softened. Which is a pretty bad sign, means my guard is down.

Emotions is like a river, you can have a wall or dam to hold it back but once you let it through, even though it starts with just a crack, it's really hard to hold back the tide.

Maybe it's too late for me now as much as I fight it.
Let yourself be happy, RD.

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