Falling "IN LOVE" again - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Originally Posted by Hope Shimmers View Post
Actually it was directed at anyone and everyone who felt that same way.

"Imagine if you could have all of your needs met without the emotional investment." But that IS my need - the emotional investment. And along with that, the need for companionship, physical intimacy, etc.

I agree with Jessica that there are probably fewer women who are okay with the lack of emotional investment long-term than you think.
I think there are a lot of women (guys as well) who say they are ok without the emotional attachment, but most dont mean it. Which is why I posted this thread. As I am unable, and frankly ok with it, to have the desire for the closeness that she wants, as I think I see it as control and that is what I am fighting. I dont know if I DESIRE to change, just curious as to why I am like I am and wanted others imput.

But as someone said, after 30 (and REALLY after 50) if you have the three P's (personality, property, and paycheck) there are plenty of women willing to give it a chance, even with preexisting limitations. I have heard "you could actually type a sentence, have a good conversation, its a surprising rare ability". On many meet and greets.

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post #107 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I just don't understand how these men can be so analytical and clinical and detached. Were you really hurt that bad that you could never risk it again?

Don't take this personally, browser, please -- because obviously I don't know you. But why is your girlfriend with you? I can only assume (from what you've said) that she wants more. Why would she settle for less, for all this time? I personally have been in love and devastated, not all that long ago, and I want that "in love" emotional closeness more than anything! I just honestly don't get it. I wouldn't be with you (or the others who have posted similarly to you) because I would be able to sense that very soon into the relationship.

Or maybe you are being more stoic here on the forum than you actually are? Your girlfriend indicated that you made great strides in terms of not being emotionally detached, but you denied it. Maybe you are in denial about it? Honestly, this is just curiosity on my part because I don't understand how men can operate like this, or why they would even want to.
I posted it the other day to FIP, like it or not if women want to be empowered,, they need to allow men the same opportunities. Despite societal claims to the contrary, men have been left behind in this realm. Many men go into adulthood burdened by the expectations of a society that is on the one hand empowering women, while still holding men to old standards. Then when the clash of this reality comes to them in life, when the "empowered' woman in his life decides she isn't getting the "happiness" she desires and leaves, the man who thought he was doing everything required of him is left devastated. The result of this devastation is the less emotional male,, who adopts largely the same attitude that most "empowered" women have, namely analytical, clinical and detached viewpoint of life. The antiquated idea that women are the keepers of the relationship flies out the window, when women throw that relationship out the window in pursuit of the "happiness" that comes from being "empowered".
As I said to FIP when she responded, life isn't fair. It isn't fair to women who may still "believe" in love, but it also wasn't fair to the men who are devastated by that same dynamic. I guess it is just another one of the new wrinkles that come with modern life? Maybe one day nature will rebalance itself, but for the time being the sexes are out of sync with each other.

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post #108 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:58 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I will respond that my ex didnt break me. He gave it a pretty darn good shot and I thought I was out for the count, but I decided that I cant live like that. Life is beautiful and love most of all. And naturally, I am not a flowers and rainbows type of person. However going through hell with the ex, only made me more determined to find the real gift of love. I could have been emotionally detached and "powerful" and hold back not to be hurt again by someone else. But the reality is I dont want to look back on my life and never have experienced true love. It is a gift. I know it exists because my parents had it and my brother and his wife have it.

I refuse to short change myself. I hope I can find a man who is willing to risk again. I was a really good wife and partner to my ex. He didnt value me but it doesnt mean someone else wont.

And to the men on think women are out to get you, I will say the vast majority are not like your exes. And the you may lose the opportunity to find happiness again with a steady, long life companion.
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post #109 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:59 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Originally Posted by Hope Shimmers View Post
I agree with Jessica that there are probably fewer women who are okay with the lack of emotional investment long-term than you think.
I completely agree with that statement. The last woman I was dating was OK with me being non-committal for about six months then she wanted to move the relationship forward. Consequently I broke up with her because I didn't feel it was fair to her to continue dating if we had different relationship goals. She was devastated because the dating pool is not as good for women as it is for men once they get into their 30's and I was the first "great guy" that she met in a couple of years. On the other hand I found another woman to date within a week of looking that was more attractive, more fun, and had similar relationship goals as I did. That's at least what I've experienced. The dating pool is skewed towards men once women get into their 30's, which gives men more choice to pick their ideal relationship dynamic. It also lets men be more willing to trade partners because we know there are other good options that are easily found.

I also think that part of the problem is (and I'm generalizing) men and women have different relationship needs. My emotional connections (and the need to feel loved) are already met by the relationships I have with my friends, parents, siblings, and kids, etc. so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything in my life. The women I've talked to seem to look towards a partner for some of their emotional needs and the need to feel loved, hence the different relationship goals. Maybe it's one of those love languages things?

I don't think I'm personally emotionally damaged and can't form those bonds again. If anything I'm more honest and in touch with what I feel than I was before. I think it just takes me (and other men) longer to development those connections, especially because I feel it is a peripheral part of a relationship instead of the main part.

Last edited by Bananapeel; 03-17-2017 at 02:21 PM.
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post #110 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I will respond that my ex didnt break me. He gave it a pretty darn good shot and I thought I was out for the count, but I decided that I cant live like that. Life is beautiful and love most of all. And naturally, I am not a flowers and rainbows type of person. However going through hell with the ex, only made me more determined to find the real gift of love. I could have been emotionally detached and "powerful" and hold back not to be hurt again by someone else. But the reality is I dont want to look back on my life and never have experienced true love. It is a gift. I know it exists because my parents had it and my brother and his wife have it.

I refuse to short change myself. I hope I can find a man who is willing to risk again. I was a really good wife and partner to my ex. He didn't value me but it doesn't mean someone else wont.
Here, here! My thoughts, exactly.

What I can't wrap my head around is why someone would want to punish themselves and sentence themselves to a life without love because of a crime that another person committed. That seems completely illogical to me.

They say the best revenge is living well. And that doesn't mean lots of money and fancy cars; it means living your life to the fullest, and not limiting yourself, showing your ex that they didn't break you, that they don't have that much power over you.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #111 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Here, here! My thoughts, exactly.

What I can't wrap my head around is why someone would want to punish themselves and sentence themselves to a life without love because of a crime that another person committed. That seems completely illogical to me.

They say the best revenge is living well. And that doesn't mean lots of money and fancy cars; it means living your life to the fullest, and not limiting yourself, showing your ex that they didn't break you, that they don't have that much power over you.
Surrendering to half a life is letting the ex win. I refuse to let that be my story. He destroyed enough years. He wont have the remainder. I will not be a prisoner to his decisions.
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post #112 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Surrendering to half a life is letting the ex win. I refuse to let that be my story. He destroyed enough years. He wont have the remainder. I will not be a prisoner to his decisions.


Love the last line!


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post #113 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

"What I can't wrap my head around is why someone would want to punish themselves and sentence themselves to a life without love because of a crime that another person committed. That seems completely illogical to me."


Because I am not feeling "punished". I am very happy with my situation, and am in fact thriving in it!. The affection given and returned to/from my gf and I makes me very content and happy! The problem is it apparently is not enough for her. Bananapeel nailed it:

" completely agree with that statement. The last woman I was dating was OK with me being non-committal for about six months then she wanted to move the relationship forward. Consequently I broke up with her because I didn't feel it was fair to her to continue dating if we had different relationship goals. She was devastated because the dating pool is not as good for women as it is for men once they get into their 30's and I was the first "great guy" that she met in a couple of years. On the other hand I found another woman to date within a week of looking that was more attractive, more fun, and had similar relationship goals as I did. That's at least what I've experienced. The dating pool is skewed towards men once women get into their 30's, which gives men more choice to pick their ideal relationship dynamic. It also lets men be more willing to trade partners because we know there are other good options that are easily found.


Sad or not, this has been the truth for me, as I have been told many many times, "you are a great guy" havent found one of them in a long time! It is really a target rich environment. I dont want to multi date, I dont need more than one good woman, or want more than one. But not willing to go where I dont want to go, and willing to look some more to find someone compatable if necessary.
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post #114 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:13 PM
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Falling "IN LOVE" again

You can always tell us older folks when we use the word "compatibility" over everything else. We have been schooled, no?

It's awesome when you find someone who rings your bell but the question is:

"Can I live with this b1tch/d1ckhead for the rest of my orthopedic-friendly-shoes life?"




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post #115 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:46 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Surrendering to half a life is letting the ex win. I refuse to let that be my story. He destroyed enough years. He wont have the remainder. I will not be a prisoner to his decisions.
There in lies the disconnect. I can only speak for myself, but I am sure many men would agree, that far from surrendering to half a life, we are actually fully living life as we were meant to live it. I did the family thing. I raised two kids, I was the devoted doting husband and father. My kids are grown, my wife is gone and now I have "me" time, for the first time in my life. As Bananapeel has experienced, I have had several semi-LTR. When a woman starts to push for more from me than I am willing to give her - adios! I am simply not willing to give away half of me ever again in order to make someone else feel whole. I can golf when I want. I can drink what I want, I can work when I want, I can travel when I want, I can travel where I want, I can travel for as long as I want, I can eat what I want. In the two plus years since my divorce, I have been on more dates, had sex with more woman and had more different experiences, including sexual ones, than I had in the previous 54 years of my life. Why would I want to give that up?


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post #116 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:03 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I don't need think there's anything wrong with not wanting a LTR, as long as you're honest about it, and the OP says he is. Really, its up to the one who wants more in the relationship to move on if their needs aren't being met with less.

There are many advantages to being in a committed, LTR relationship and sharing your life with someone.

But it's not for everyone. I think the world would be a better place if only those who really have the skills/desire for marriage applied.
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post #117 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:54 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I just wish I had one somebody to celebrate my 48th birthday with me. I hate being alone. That is all.


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post #118 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:09 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I don't need think there's anything wrong with not wanting a LTR, as long as you're honest about it, and the OP says he is. Really, its up to the one who wants more in the relationship to move on if their needs aren't being met with less.
Absolutely
There are many advantages to being in a committed, LTR relationship and sharing your life with someone.
And just as many to not being in one or sharing your life with any certain "one"
But it's not for everyone. I think the world would be a better place if only those who really have the skills/desire for marriage applied.
In some regards we are seeing that happening. Younger men and women are waiting until later in life to marry, older men and women are divorcing in increasing numbers. Many have tried and many have decided it isn't for them. Some have tried and decided it isn't for them with that particular person but perhaps some one else. Some dig in and stick it out no matter how miserable it makes them. Some find somebody that they can be tolerate for their time on earth. A few actually love each other for life.

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post #119 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:46 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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In the two plus years since my divorce, I have been on more dates, had sex with more woman and had more different experiences, including sexual ones, than I had in the previous 54 years of my life. Why would I want to give that up?
We're the same age, within a year anyway. I too was married and raised two kids. I'm about 7 years out from the end of my divorce. I too had lots of short and long term relationships. But I was always looking to settle down. We're together 5 years, living together for 2.5. I don't miss the single life all that much, I had my fill. But marriage isn't going to happen.
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post #120 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I just wish I had one somebody to celebrate my 48th birthday with me. I hate being alone. That is all.


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That's what friends are for. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, call up some girlfriends and go out and make an event of it or do a weekend getaway somewhere. You don't need a romantic relationship to not be alone on your B-day!
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