Falling "IN LOVE" again - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #121 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:33 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Originally Posted by Formally known as Hoosier View Post
Wow! thanks for this. Yes, I was hurt, badly. I did not/could not work for a year. Thank god I am my own boss or I would of been fired. I guess I dont feel broken. I really dont. Guess thats why I ask, as some say not feeling "LOVE" is being broken.
FKAS

As a veteran of infidelity you have grown in ways you have not yet reconciled in your mind.

Simply put because you have experience you are a big boy now.

Follow your instincts .Just be aware of your GF motives wants and needs

Let go of the outcome and enjoy your life

Have fun always

55


Endeavor to persevere for your love and happiness

Give up on yourself and others will follow
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post #122 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Thanks for your feedback, Rowan, but I posted this for the OP because he wanted to hear a little more, not to get feedback on my personal situation from other folks. If I needed feedback, I would have posted my own thread. And you would have the entire contextual story to respond to, not just one post.

Maybe he is emotionally unavailable. But he DOES make me a priority... the example in the previous post is an outlier, and I only gave it to put the argument in context. I am one of the few priorities in his life, but at that moment, all of them had come together to create the perfect storm of priorities, but I didn't know it at the time because I hadn't seen him while he was out of town and we hadn't had time to talk.

He doesn't expect me or want me to change. In fact, for the first time in my life, with him, I don't feel like I need to change or be any different. I have, and I do make demands on him, and he expects me to do so if I'm unhappy, and he always does his best to resolve these issues and talk them through with me. We do have boundaries, we are exclusive, we've always maintained a policy of complete honesty in our relationship, we have a great deal of respect in our relationship, and not only are my needs being met for the first time in any relationship, he actively wants to know what he can do better to make sure my needs are continually met. And I may have mispoken... I have expectations of all the above. But in the context of my conversation with him, I don't have expectations like, "I want us to get married in X number of years." I like my independence, and I value it because it was very hard won. I'm not looking to give it up anytime soon.
OP and FIP

Labels are just that.....labels.
Nebulas at best emotional blackmail at worst.
Just drop the label and live it in the moment.

Simply put it is what it is.

So long as your needs are met and continue to be met, what difference does it make ? You can continue in a monogamous relationship if that is your wish.

55

Endeavor to persevere for your love and happiness

Give up on yourself and others will follow
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post #123 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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There in lies the disconnect. I can only speak for myself, but I am sure many men would agree, that far from surrendering to half a life, we are actually fully living life as we were meant to live it. I did the family thing. I raised two kids, I was the devoted doting husband and father. My kids are grown, my wife is gone and now I have "me" time, for the first time in my life. As Bananapeel has experienced, I have had several semi-LTR. When a woman starts to push for more from me than I am willing to give her - adios! I am simply not willing to give away half of me ever again in order to make someone else feel whole. I can golf when I want. I can drink what I want, I can work when I want, I can travel when I want, I can travel where I want, I can travel for as long as I want, I can eat what I want. In the two plus years since my divorce, I have been on more dates, had sex with more woman and had more different experiences, including sexual ones, than I had in the previous 54 years of my life. Why would I want to give that up?
I think another aspect of this is we learn or develope into thinking with our heads more than the heart. Wisdom. Not sure that's good or bad but it is what it is.
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post #124 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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There in lies the disconnect. I can only speak for myself, but I am sure many men would agree, that far from surrendering to half a life, we are actually fully living life as we were meant to live it. I did the family thing. I raised two kids, I was the devoted doting husband and father. My kids are grown, my wife is gone and now I have "me" time, for the first time in my life. As Bananapeel has experienced, I have had several semi-LTR. When a woman starts to push for more from me than I am willing to give her - adios! I am simply not willing to give away half of me ever again in order to make someone else feel whole. I can golf when I want. I can drink what I want, I can work when I want, I can travel when I want, I can travel where I want, I can travel for as long as I want, I can eat what I want. In the two plus years since my divorce, I have been on more dates, had sex with more woman and had more different experiences, including sexual ones, than I had in the previous 54 years of my life. Why would I want to give that up?
As a lady who was married the first time for 23 years, had a sudden and traumatic marriage break up, was then a single mum of three for 6 years, and has been married to my second husband for 11, I don't see being married as 'half a life' at all, but a full rich life of companionship, sharing, learning, growing, maturing etc etc. My husband is the same, he hates being single and loves being married. Its also interesting that married men live longer and are healthier which shows that its beneficial.
You ask why you would want to give up sleeping around? To us being in a good faithful marriage where the sex involves deep love, far far surpasses casual sex and short term relationships.
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post #125 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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As a lady who was married the first time for 23 years, had a sudden and traumatic marriage break up, was then a single mum of three for 6 years, and has been married to my second husband for 11, I don't see being married as 'half a life' at all, but a full rich life of companionship, sharing, learning, growing, maturing etc etc. My husband is the same, he hates being single and loves being married. Its also interesting that married men live longer and are healthier which shows that its beneficial.
You ask why you would want to give up sleeping around? To us being in a good faithful marriage where the sex involves deep love, far far surpasses casual sex and short term relationships.
That is all good, except that NOBODY said that being married was living a half a life. If you feel that way, I truly feel sorry for you. What was said OTOH, is that NOT wanting to be married is living a half a life. That was what I was responding to. So please stop making things up.

Some times life happens, some times that means divorce. I could look at my life as half a life and desperately flail around trying to live a full life, or I can accept where I am at and take the second opportunity I have been given to go out and experience all life has to offer. What you see as "sleeping around" is really nothing more than experiencing what life has to offer me. If you know of some way of knowing what you want without finding out what is there, then please explain yourself. Otherwise stop putting words in my mouth as I NEVER said being married was living half a life.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #126 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I really think some of the women here see this wrong. It isn't fear or disconnect it's just a complete change of priorities toward life.

I loved my wife more than anything. I gave her my all and sacrificed much that I wanted , and to some degree needed, so she could have all her wants. My warped thought was the more I give her the more she will love me and someday give back. Instead she cheated and left me.

Few years of self desctuctive pain and behavior lead me to counseling that truely saved my life. In that I learned my old life was over, the diligent, faithful and giving husband was dead and gone. My new life was whatever I wanted to make it so I did. My new life puts me and my kiddos at the top. I no longer sacrifice and I no longer come in 7th place in someone's heart just behind the dog. I have made me a priority. Living half a life? For the first time I am living a full and complete life where I get what I want, something I never had before.

Now I love my GF no doubts. I would hate to loose her but loss I have learned is just part of life. If she told me today she was moving on my first response would be I don't want you to go but if she did I already know I would be ok. I could date again and live single. I have no fear of it. Our relationship will last however long it is designed to last and that may be a day, decade or several. I don't know and don't dwell on it.
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post #127 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I really think some of the women here see this wrong. It isn't fear or disconnect it's just a complete change of priorities toward life.
This ^^^^! QFT!
I find it telling that some women here are trying to shame men, when it was often not the man who prompted the change. It was the women in most cases. Why are they not accusing those women of seeking to live half a life by walking away from loving, devoted husbands who were only trying to do the best they could?

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post #128 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:40 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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That is all good, except that NOBODY said that being married was living a half a life. If you feel that way, I truly feel sorry for you. What was said OTOH, is that NOT wanting to be married is living a half a life. That was what I was responding to. So please stop making things up.

Some times life happens, some times that means divorce. I could look at my life as half a life and desperately flail around trying to live a full life, or I can accept where I am at and take the second opportunity I have been given to go out and experience all life has to offer. What you see as "sleeping around" is really nothing more than experiencing what life has to offer me. If you know of some way of knowing what you want without finding out what is there, then please explain yourself. Otherwise stop putting words in my mouth as I NEVER said being married was living half a life.
This is what you said
'When a woman starts to push for more from me than I am willing to give her - adios! I am simply not willing to give away half of me ever again in order to make someone else feel whole'.

I took it to say that you resentfully gave half of yourself for a marriage and commitment and you wouldn't again. I see marriage as gaining far far more than I give.

Why do you think you have to sleep around to find out what you want?
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post #129 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
This ^^^^! QFT!
I find it telling that some women here are trying to shame men, when it was often not the man who prompted the change. It was the women in most cases. Why are they not accusing those women of seeking to live half a life by walking away from loving, devoted husbands who were only trying to do the best they could?
Yes, I agree to a point as my husbands former wife met another man and divorced him after a 23 year marriage, but we can make sure it doesn't put us off further commitment and love, or we can let that one betrayal turn us off finding that love and marriage again. I am so glad he didn't do that, that he was open to meeting another lady and being in another marriage.
Divorce is a horrible thing, especially after a long marriage as ours were, but making that decision to love again and trust again, is one that neither of us has ever regretted.
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post #130 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:25 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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This is what you said
'When a woman starts to push for more from me than I am willing to give her - adios! I am simply not willing to give away half of me ever again in order to make someone else feel whole'.

I took it to say that you resentfully gave half of yourself for a marriage and commitment and you wouldn't again. I see marriage as gaining far far more than I give.

Why do you think you have to sleep around to find out what you want?
Um, I said I am not willing to give away half of ME ever again, what does that have to do with you?

I gave away half of who I WAS, I am NOT that person any longer and feel no need to surrender the self I have discovered to another. Perhaps you did gain far more than you give. That seems to be a common theme among some women. They get a lot more than they put in and when they decide they aren't getting what they want, they walk away. Thank you for acknowledging your MO.

Um, again, what you consider "sleeping around" is simply me exploring the world around me. I am not willing to forgo what could be to simply accept what is. How else do you discover without exploring?


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post #131 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Yes, I agree to a point as my husbands former wife met another man and divorced him after a 23 year marriage, but we can make sure it doesn't put us off further commitment and love, or we can let that one betrayal turn us off finding that love and marriage again. I am so glad he didn't do that, that he was open to meeting another lady and being in another marriage.
Divorce is a horrible thing, especially after a long marriage as ours were, but making that decision to love again and trust again, is one that neither of us has ever regretted.
You seem to confuse so many things. I truly wonder if you have ever really thought about anything. Elsewhere you continually confuse God with religion and here you confuse love and commitment with marriage. In both cases you mistake the obvious for man-made contrivances.
I never said anything about never loving or committing to anyone again, I said I see no reason to marry. I am sad that you cannot see the difference.

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