Falling "IN LOVE" again - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:16 AM Thread Starter
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Falling "IN LOVE" again

Brief back ground then story. (look up Hoosier if you want the thread) 30 years married. in July 2011, my xw, upon my discovery of text messages. Literally packed two bags, walked five blocks and moved in with the OM. Divorced in 82 days, they married six months later, and remain married to this day. No contact since 2012. My three daughters, 26, 30, 32 and I remain close. Even tho one is 1200 miles away another is 1800 miles away. I hear from them nearly everyday and see them pretty often. I own my own business, and years of hard labor allow me a lot of flexability in my hours, time off. I have a great life! Many close friends, family, and not rich, but dont worry about money. Now my question:

In the five years I have been divorced, I have dated a few women, two of them long term, including my current gf who I have been seeing for two years. She is great. We are together 51 of 52 weekends. Her kids are out of the home as well. She and I enjoy the same tastes in music, same tastes in adventure, have traveled quite a bit, get along great. The problem is, at least a problem for her, is that I dont have the "cant do without her" feeling. (We get together on Wednesday nights during the week and then the weekend. Living 30 minutes apart.) I dont know if it is my age (57) but I remember a time when I just could not wait to see my wife, missed her a lot when we were apart, not there at all. With my gf I call/text her daily. But she wants more. I talked with her repeately when we first started dating, told her where I was, what my plans were. I havent changed. I wish I could have the feelings she desires, but dont think I would with anyone. Am I just broken?

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post #2 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I think the can't be without you feeling isn't healthy myself, depending on the level of the feeling. I miss you greatly makes sense, I can't live without you is risky.
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post #3 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I think the can't be without you feeling isn't healthy myself, depending on the level of the feeling. I miss you greatly makes sense, I can't live without you is risky.
This. OP, I think you have matured so you don't feel this childish "I can't do without my mommy/daddy" feeling. Mid-life Crisis is basically adults searching for this juvenile euphoria. I know some will disagree but this is what I believe.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #4 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:39 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I don't know if you're broken, but I would like to see what other people have to say about your situation, because it looks a lot like mine. My current partner, who I've been seeing for a year, seems to be in the same boat as you (though he is about 10 yrs younger than you, and has no children). We spend every weekend together, and sometimes one (or more!) evenings during the week. He's a wonderful man, but he says that he can't ever allow himself to love another woman after the way he's been hurt in the past. He's built a wall to protect himself and keep others out. Like you, his XW cheated, left him and married the OM as soon as the divorce was finalized. I absolutely adore him, and he says he cares for me deeply and that I make him happy... but I want to be with someone who is in love with me, someone who can't wait to see me, who misses me when I am away. I'm at a crossroads myself and I'm not sure what to do in my own situation. We had a big fight about this a week ago, and while I agreed to stay for now, I'm having serious doubts and things feel very different to me now.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #5 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I don't know if you're broken, but I would like to see what other people have to say about your situation, because it looks a lot like mine. My current partner, who I've been seeing for a year, seems to be in the same boat as you (though he is about 10 yrs younger than you, and has no children). We spend every weekend together, and sometimes one (or more!) evenings during the week. He's a wonderful man, but he says that he can't ever allow himself to love another woman after the way he's been hurt in the past. He's built a wall to protect himself and keep others out. Like you, his XW cheated, left him and married the OM as soon as the divorce was finalized. I absolutely adore him, and he says he cares for me deeply and that I make him happy... but I want to be with someone who is in love with me, someone who can't wait to see me, who misses me when I am away. I'm at a crossroads myself and I'm not sure what to do in my own situation. We had a big fight about this a week ago, and while I agreed to stay for now, I'm having serious doubts and things feel very different to me now.
I will be most interested in your situation! He does in fact sound exactly like me. I dont know if in my case I havent got the wild out of me yet. Did he ever talk about his expectations? You tell him yours? I get exactly what you are saying, and him as well. That is my question I guess. Were my gf to give me any ultimatiums I would take a pass. I would miss her, but my life would not be devestated. I wish I could have that feeling again, but wishing dont make it so. In his defense, I am sure you do make him happy, and he does care for you deeply, in my case that is the best I have.
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post #6 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

Do you feel like you don't WANT to do without her? That may be close enough for her. I may be (still be) madly in love with my second wife, but I COULD do without her if I had to - but I certainly do not WANT to be without her. A simple rephrasing may be all you need here.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #7 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

maybe you are broken, maybe not.

maybe you are just self sufficient emotionally and spiritually and don't 'need' someone as bad as 'madly in love' demands.

if you are broken, it's only one aspect of a much larger you. if you are, it's no wonder the hurt and betrayal left you with an impenetrable wall.

it's an introspective question that is worth thought and contemplation.

i don't necessarily agree however with those who say 'can't be without you' is unhealthy.
it depends what you mean by it. the feeling and emotional intensity of appreciating and being caught up so closely with another human being is among
the heights of human existence. even if that love was to depart through death or infidelity, that love can last forever and teach us what it is to be bonded
to another human being so that we are truly one and not two. that is a mystery which few can plumb it's depths.
but when we find it, we are not far from the meaning of existence.

no man is an island, but some of us can be happy pretty much on our own.
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post #8 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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maybe you are broken, maybe not.

maybe you are just self sufficient emotionally and spiritually and don't 'need' someone as bad as 'madly in love' demands.

if you are broken, it's only one aspect of a much larger you. if you are, it's no wonder the hurt and betrayal left you with an impenetrable wall.

it's an introspective question that is worth thought and contemplation.

i don't necessarily agree however with those who say 'can't be without you' is unhealthy.
it depends what you mean by it. the feeling and emotional intensity of appreciating and being caught up so closely with another human being is among
the heights of human existence. even if that love was to depart through death or infidelity, that love can last forever and teach us what it is to be bonded
to another human being so that we are truly one and not two. that is a mystery which few can plumb it's depths.
but when we find it, we are not far from the meaning of existence.

no man is an island, but some of us can be happy pretty much on our own.
Wow! thanks for this. Yes, I was hurt, badly. I did not/could not work for a year. Thank god I am my own boss or I would of been fired. I guess I dont feel broken. I really dont. Guess thats why I ask, as some say not feeling "LOVE" is being broken.
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post #9 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:33 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

We were both deeply hurt and betrayed by our respective first spouses both after 23 years of marriage. When I met my now husband we were both in our late 40's, and I knew in a very short time that I wanted to marry him and as soon as possible. I fell in love very soon and would have been devastated if it hadn't worked out. I had every reason not to trust again and to put up walls, as he did as well, but then you loose out on so much in life.
If we can do it so can others, we were married within 9 months of meeting and its now 11 years later and we are great together.

Its a choice to love again and commit again. I have a sister in law who lived with a man for a few years but eventually left because he refused to marry her, so he lost out on a lovely lady because of his refusal to face the possibility of getting divorced again. Silly man.

I would wonder if she isn't more of a good friend than someone who you want to be committed to? I also wonder if you are actually in love with her?

Last edited by Diana7; 03-08-2017 at 11:17 AM.
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post #10 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Wow! thanks for this. Yes, I was hurt, badly. I did not/could not work for a year. Thank god I am my own boss or I would of been fired. I guess I dont feel broken. I really dont. Guess thats why I ask, as some say not feeling "LOVE" is being broken.
if you don't feel broken, then it's a good bet you're fine for now.

when and if that day ever comes that you yearn for more, then you're already there.

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post #11 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:11 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

I totally get where you're coming from and I'll share my perspective. What I think altered my view of love and relationships, was when I fell out of love with my XWW (it took months after the divorce was finalized and I would never have believed it was possible prior to experiencing it). Realizing that at one point I was madly in love and would have done anything for her and today I feel nothing, was an awakening that I never expected. I think that is what has built up these so-called "walls" because I am very cognizant of the fact that feelings can and do change on both sides of relationships. Realizing that the feelings of love are not necessarily permanent makes it very hard to give in and totally let yourself fall for someone. Hoosier, maybe it is simpler than that just means that the relationship isn't the right one yet? Or alternatively, that your relationship that you are comfortable with is one for companionship without the intense feelings.
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post #12 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:18 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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I will be most interested in your situation! He does in fact sound exactly like me. I dont know if in my case I havent got the wild out of me yet. Did he ever talk about his expectations? You tell him yours? I get exactly what you are saying, and him as well. That is my question I guess. Were my gf to give me any ultimatiums I would take a pass. I would miss her, but my life would not be devestated. I wish I could have that feeling again, but wishing dont make it so. In his defense, I am sure you do make him happy, and he does care for you deeply, in my case that is the best I have.
Ugh, it's complicated. What do you mean, haven't got the wild out of you yet?

Yes, we have talked about expectations, in a limited sense... his expectations have been a moving target, honestly. Starting out, he was saying, I don't ever want a relationships again, I don't ever want a girlfriend again... then six months later, he's saying that we're a couple and acknowledging that we are in a relationship, but claims he still doesn't want a girlfriend/boyfriend thing, because that means that we are thinking about marriage, and he never wants to get married again. And whenever he makes declarations about what he doesn't want, he always makes a disclaimer that this is the way he feels now, and he doesn't see it changing, but he might feel differently in a year. All labels aside, we're as committed as any two people who have been seeing each other exclusively for a year can be, and he asked me once what I expected/wanted out of a boyfriend, a gave him list of things that I expected from a boyfriend, and he said, I'm willing to give you all that, I'm just not saying that I'm your boyfriend because that's a precursor to marriage. I've never pushed my agenda regarding my expectations, I've been happy to take things as they come and let things develop in an organic way... it has only come up a few times, when I felt he was neglecting me/my needs or not making me enough of a priority; usually, he is very responsive when I communicate something like this, but if he's stressed about something else that I don't know about, he'll go into "I need to assert my independence and remind you that you're not my girlfriend" mode, which always results in a big fight, like the one we had last week.

And I DO want to get married again, someday, but only if it's to the right person, and I'm not in any rush at this point. At this point, I just want a boyfriend, and I am happy to stay at that point for a long time. He asked me, five months ago, to be patient with him, because he has a lot of baggage, and I have been very patient with him. Until this fight last week, we never really spoke about my expectations, and I was ok with that. I didn't have any expectations... expectations for the future keep you from living fully in the present, which is a waste when the future may never even happen. I was happy with our relationship, and I felt like I was getting my needs met in the current state of affairs. And if our relationship was meant to become something more, then that would happen naturally. Then again, I also thought that his behavior and affection was coming from a place of love, and that his feelings were evolving.

I was upset because he had come home from a week and a half in Africa, and I barely saw him in the week and a half before he left... and I thought that we would FINALLY get some time together now that he was back, and I felt like he was blowing me off in favor of everything else, making me wait another five days until the weekend to see him. I had waited three weeks to get some quality time in, and he was expecting me to wait another 5 days? That did NOT go over well with me, not at all. So we got into a fight about it, which led him to ask, "What do you want out of this relationship? ... because I get the feeling that you want more than I am willing to give." Which turned into another fight. And it became very frustrating for me, because a lot of his reasons for not wanting anything more serious sounded more like excuses and fear talking, than actual legitimate reasons. And it was very hard for me, too, because the whole thing triggered my fear of abandonment (it really felt like he was rejecting me on some level). (One of his things about us not being bf/gf is that if we aren't bf/gf, then we can't "break up"--neither one of us can't dump the other. He thinks it will protect him from being rejected. Which makes absolutely no sense at all. A lot of things about his arguments on this topic have been illogical.)

He says he's never met someone as compatible with him as I am. And he sees us together for years into the future. That I'm his favorite person, that he cares for me more than anyone else in his life. What I don't understand is how you could meet someone so perfect for you, whom you see a [short-term, few years] future with, who you care for so much, and yet... you don't want to even consider the possibility of something more serious, more permanent with them? It makes no sense to me at all.

I hate his XW so, so much. She screwed him up so bad... the sad thing is that the betrayal and divorce made him the man who he is today, and ironically, pushed him to learn how to be a better partner. And because he IS such a good partner is one of the reasons I like him so much. He said once, if I had met you instead of her, things would have been very different for us... and I said, if I had met you then, we wouldn't have worked. Our relationship would have failed then, because you were a different person then, and I'm in love with the man you are NOW. SMH.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #13 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:20 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

My aunt met and married the love of her life when she was 60 and he 70. Its never too late to fall in love. Maybe she isnt the one?
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post #14 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

No you aren't broken. It is who you are now - don't make excuses for that. As long as you feel fine with yourself you are.

Don't let yourself get pushed into Beta BS about how you "should" feel or act. If after 2 years she isn't secure with you and the relationship then she should move on. You haven't done anything wrong. Tell her to pull up her big girl panties and deal with her issues herself instead of dumping them on you to fix and feel guilty about. By now I'd hope you know you can't "fix" someone else's feelings. You've been honest with her and respectful - what the hell else does she want ? Big ass RED flag dude - 2 years in and she is questioning your feelings / commitment ? Think that will change ? Ever ? Unlikely.

Not trying to be mean - just calling it like I see it. With best regards.
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post #15 of 131 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: Falling "IN LOVE" again

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Originally Posted by Formally known as Hoosier View Post
The problem is, at least a problem for her, is that I dont have the "cant do without her" feeling....Am I just broken?
I too was burned by my who cheated with my best friend. Took me a long time to get over the loss of my "true love" and feel okay again.

I'll be honest, I will not be dependent on any one person again for my happiness, my financial stability, or all my emotional needs. I love my wife and I think she is a great woman, but if she decided to leave I would not beg her to stay. I love her, but I could survive without her just fine.

So no, I don't believe you are broken. Others may say I am doing my wife a disservice by not giver her everything. I will counter that I work very hard to meet her emotional & stability needs, which is important to her.
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