3 years divorced and still can't move on. - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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3 years divorced and still can't move on.

A few years ago my wife cheated on me with a woman and told me she was a lesbian. After the incident I thought maybe sometime she would come back to me. I thought that she would miss our family being together and having a simple life. It took a while for me to accept that she was probably never coming back. We met when we were only 14 and had our first child at 16. Life was difficult but we still managed to get great jobs and decided to have 3 more children.

I understand why she never told me she was gay or if it took her so long to figure it out. We were very young and everything happened so quickly. I am not mad at her for being attracted to women, I'm not even mad at her for leaving me. I'm more angry at the situation I suppose. I wish I knew this before. I wish I knew that one day I would have to share my kids and compete with a woman I barely know for their affection.

My ex wife barely talks to me unless it is absolutely necessary. I always feel some kind of animosity from her even though I have been kind throughout this whole ordeal. My kids continuously choose her and her partner over me. While they climb the ladders in their careers I risk losing my job. They have everything. A big house, nice cars, vacations. My ex is so happy with her life and my jealousy and anger has only been growing. I am unable to move on into a new relationship while she gets a pretty, new, successful girlfriend. I sometimes wish they would just break up even if I have absolutely no chance with my ex.

I thought that time would make me calm down, and move on. I would not have guessed that I would still be alone, in a cheap apartment without my kids. I try to spend time with them, I even do everything that they are interested in but the other woman is so much better apparently. She takes them camping, to hockey games, to the movies. She has fancy astronomy equipment that they love so much. I don't hate the woman, I do hate that my kids seem to love her more than they love me. She's a great parent, perfect even, it's so frustrating.
I tried doing my own thing with my kids, and I tried replicating what she does with them and they still can't get over her. I have no clue what to do.

I have lost most of my friends, my parents are disappointed in me, and I am still in love with my wife. I have tried therapy, I tried dating, I've been working out, trying to fix my job situation but the more time goes by, the worse the situation gets. How do I finally get over my wife and my jealousy over her lifestyle? More importantly how do I get my kids to want to be around me?

I know that there is little people online can do for me but I'm willing to try anything and ask anyone at this point.

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

I'm sorry. I'm usually a good advice giver but after reading your post I've got nothing but sympathy.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

I really just want to express my sympathy. You sound like a really decent guy who totally got screwed. My "advice" is mostly random thoughts on your situation, not well thought out, but hopefully you'll find something helpful in here.

Try not to take the situation with the kids personally. Kids are fickle and she's probably the shiny bright new object. Even three years in. Plus she's a woman and may just have more of a way with children. I believe your kids will change their perspective as they age and come back to you. Of course that doesn't help the pain right now.

Did you get any insights while in therapy? Why is your job faltering? Did your therapist have any insights as to why the kids preferred her over you? How old are you? Since this all started so young, I'm guessing you're still young enough to make a career change if necessary, find a new mate, have more kids...

You are in the position where you can be totally selfish and sit down and think about what you really want out of life.

And maybe it's time you did get angry. F*ck these people. Your ex probably has animosity because she feels guilty, as well she should. Her GF stepped into your life and displaced you. Your kids are temporarily behaving like disloyal little sh*ts. Yes, everyone has their own perspective and it's good you can see the big picture, but YOU have a perspective too, and YOU got SCREWED. Being too understanding may make you appear a little desperate. You know, how the person who so desperately wants to be loved and admired automatically becomes less attractive. The more you want something - the less people seem willing to give it to you.

I have never read it but I hear the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" recommended on here a lot to men in situations similar to yours. You might check it out. I believe it's about changing the whole dynamic from being a push over that people walk all over to a man in charge of your life - a good man, but a man who is not inviting people to treat him like crap.

Also, this sounds silly, but have you considered getting a hobby? Finding something you really enjoy doing? You are consumed with your jealousy and given the situation, it's understandable. But if you can create happiness/purpose in your own life that you can focus on, that will help you stop ruminating on the ex.

Good luck to you. I really do feel for you.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

My daughters boyfriend's wife left him for another woman. He got my daughter pregnant and she moved in. They seem pretty darned happy to me and are planning on having more kids soon. He's a great dad to my grandson and to his son with his ex AND to her son she had previously.

You have to find your OWN life that has nothing to do with your ex or your ex's current spouse. You have to quit comparing yourself to ANYone, least of all the OW. Quit competing with them!! You need to get out there and DATE. Have fun. Quit trying to impress other people and impress YOURSELF. Find your own happiness.

How do you do that? You just DO. If you have to, fake it till you make it. Have you looked up The 180 at all? That's where you might want to start.

The 180 U Turn - Affaircare

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

I agree with the others. You have my sympathy. But sympathy is not going to change your situation. The thing you have to realize is the NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. No one! There is only one person who can make you happy and that is you. There is only one person who can change your life and that is you. Stop comparing your self to her, what she has or your past life together. Don't try to emulate her. You need to fall in love with the person you are and make yourself the most interesting person in the world. Your children have chosen her over you, because that is what you have done as well. As the previous poster suggested read No More Mr Nice Guy. I read the book and it helped me a great deal. But it was only the beginning of my journey. My journey continues, but I am light years removed from where I was and to be perfectly honest I will never go back to where I was. I would never want my ex wife. The world is out there for you to discover who you are - go do that and stop worrying about what she may or may not have.

Edit to add - the 180 and NMMNG work on the same principle - you focus on your self and your flaws. You fix you for you. You don't do it for anyone else. Not your ex, not your kids, not your family. You have already identified several areas you need to work on - so stop making excuses and make you into the best you that you can be.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

I think given the length of time and your current emotional state that this situation is dire. You sound depressed, hopeless about the future, and like you are still grieving the death of your marriage and seeing your Ex move on is rubbing salt in the wound over and over again. These issues are bleeding over into the rest of your life and are affecting your job situation. Stating what the issue is with your job might be helpful because I get the impression that if you're attempting to fix the problems and failing, the issues are either deeply entwined with your current state of mind and you can't fix them right now or you're in a toxic work situation/environment and are wasting your time salvaging it when you would be better served with a new job. Maybe you have just hit a dead end at this job. This is something you will need to figure out quickly and act on instead of continuing to do what you're doing and making it worse.

Get a therapist who specializes in depression and grief counseling. Get a life and/or a career coach and get yourself out of whatever funk you've gotten into with your job. Keep going to the gym and put dating on the back burner until you have gotten your head on straight with your Ex and your job. Put all hands on deck and focus on you because all this negative self talk can quickly spiral into you thinking everyone else is better off without you and suicidal ideation.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

It sounds like you had a therapist who was just no good. Find another one who will make you actually work your issues. And then if you do find a good one, do the work s/he assigns you!

You got handed a raw deal. I sympathize with you wholeheartedly, but you have to pull yourself up out of the morass you are in. You have value and strengths and skills and talents that your exWW's new woman does not have. You need to get to know yourself again and go back and find those things that used to bring you joy. As a male in this world, no one gives a crap about you. You live in a gynocentric society, so you might as well get used to the idea that you will have to work and fight for respect. You will not get respect from your ex or her partner. As for your kids, as others have said, children are fickle. Just love them and be the best dad you can be. Be there for them, talk to them, and be the refuge they need if things go badly for them.

Stop worrying what your parents and everyone else thinks of you. I doubt they hold you in the amount of disregard you think they do. More than likely they are just concerned about you and are frustrated with you that you have not moved on.

And I totally agree with the NMMNG recommendation. Visit the site and check it out. Sounds like what you need. http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:41 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

You need to read this book, stat: Awareness by Anthony De Mello

That book changed my outlook on life. It will help you find satisfaction and happiness in your own situation, regardless of what it is.

I feel for you. The only way to move on, is to move on.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:48 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Candor View Post
A few years ago my wife cheated on me with a woman and told me she was a lesbian. After the incident I thought maybe sometime she would come back to me. I thought that she would miss our family being together and having a simple life. It took a while for me to accept that she was probably never coming back. We met when we were only 14 and had our first child at 16. Life was difficult but we still managed to get great jobs and decided to have 3 more children.

I understand why she never told me she was gay or if it took her so long to figure it out. We were very young and everything happened so quickly. I am not mad at her for being attracted to women, I'm not even mad at her for leaving me. I'm more angry at the situation I suppose. I wish I knew this before. I wish I knew that one day I would have to share my kids and compete with a woman I barely know for their affection.

My ex wife barely talks to me unless it is absolutely necessary. I always feel some kind of animosity from her even though I have been kind throughout this whole ordeal. My kids continuously choose her and her partner over me. While they climb the ladders in their careers I risk losing my job. They have everything. A big house, nice cars, vacations. My ex is so happy with her life and my jealousy and anger has only been growing. I am unable to move on into a new relationship while she gets a pretty, new, successful girlfriend. I sometimes wish they would just break up even if I have absolutely no chance with my ex.

I thought that time would make me calm down, and move on. I would not have guessed that I would still be alone, in a cheap apartment without my kids. I try to spend time with them, I even do everything that they are interested in but the other woman is so much better apparently. She takes them camping, to hockey games, to the movies. She has fancy astronomy equipment that they love so much. I don't hate the woman, I do hate that my kids seem to love her more than they love me. She's a great parent, perfect even, it's so frustrating.
I tried doing my own thing with my kids, and I tried replicating what she does with them and they still can't get over her. I have no clue what to do.

I have lost most of my friends, my parents are disappointed in me, and I am still in love with my wife. I have tried therapy, I tried dating, I've been working out, trying to fix my job situation but the more time goes by, the worse the situation gets. How do I finally get over my wife and my jealousy over her lifestyle? More importantly how do I get my kids to want to be around me?

I know that there is little people online can do for me but I'm willing to try anything and ask anyone at this point.
You are holding on to a ghost. That life is over, you can either sit in the house with the shades down or you can move on in life. How is sitting in the house working for you so far.

I suggest you start exercising and getting in shape, this will do 3 things, make you attractive, and give you daily success to build you confidence, and finally release your bodies natural endorphins.

I would concentrate on you own life right not not your kids. Maybe they will get the message maybe they won't.

Look life is hard, but you are not making it easy on yourself.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:51 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

Go completely zero contact except for text or emails kids only. Keep that short.

Read up. You have to find your own way. Get a new attitude!!!!
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LEV...mJ1Ihxa1EEu18-

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:04 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

I'm really sorry for your situation.

I'm a lesbian who married a guy when I was very young. I didn't know at the time that I was gay...I came from a strict Catholic family and we didn't discuss sex of any kind...gay or straight. I didn't even have a boyfriend until I was eighteen years old, so my learning curve was way behind the rest of my peers.

At any rate, thankfully, the marriage was brief and we had no children.

I don't know your ex's past, what her family, religion or upbringing was like, or if any of that may have contributed to her masking or simply not being able to accept her own lesbianism.

I have a couple of questions for you. Why are your parents disappointed in you? This event was not something you caused, it was something that happened to you. Nothing you could have done could cause your wife to turn gay.

Also, why have your friends abandoned you? Same response as above. You didn't cause the situation, and you need their support more than ever.

I suspect the kids will come around when they are older, but in the meantime, please continue taking them out for events. Don't give up on them. They need a dad.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

The best revenge is living well. Be your own man and re-invent yourself. Your kids will eventually come around when they gain some maturity. Go no contact with your lesbo ex.....She did you a favor by revealing herself.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:19 AM
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Re: 3 years divorced and still can't move on.

It's easy for people to tell you to "get over it". You have loved your XW for a long time. You were very in love with her. She is the mother of your children. Three years may seem plenty long enough for some people to get over an ex, but not long enough for others. You fall into the second category, and that is OK!!! This isn't a race. This is who you are, and how you feel.

Two things I wanted to say to you:

Others lives seem perfect and blissfully happy from the outside. That is rarely the case in reality. There is no telling what goes on behind closed doors.

Also, no one, I repeat NO ONE can replace an involved parent in their child's life. Others can love them, care for them, spoil them etc, but not another soul can be YOU...their loving father. Continue to maintain and grow your relationships with your kids. Never give up because they are starry eyed about their step mom. They need you, and no one else can be their dad. Nor do they want anyone else to. In fact, if your babies knew you felt this way, they would probably never tell you one more flowery story about their stepmom.

Kids love to ramble on telling you everything in an excited way because they are getting to tell daddy what all they did since they last saw you. Yet, I'm sure you cringe and feel a tiny slap in the face every time they mention her name. That's a normal reaction too. One thing you can work on is your perception. Try to view it as a positive. Imagine how much worse it would be if they didn't like her. If she was abusive or mean to them. How horribly upset would you be about that? Imagine how impossible it would be to send your kids back there every time. This is sadly how a large majority of kids feel about their stepmonsters.

So try to make some adjustments in your attitude. It's one of the things you control. Know that the perfect life facade is just that, a facade. Know your children love and need you as their dad and no one else can replace you. Lastly, work on being grateful that they are treated well while they are away from you.

I hope the grieving of your XW and past continues to dissipate over time, and you find love again one day. Hang in there sweet daddy. Cyber hug!

Ciao,

Spicy
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