What To Look Forward To? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

Hope, are you into any kind of physical training?

I'm big into the running community where I live and I've dabbled in some triathlons.

These are welcoming communities where events are always happening and singles are all looking. You'd make a ton of friends and be as busy as you want to be.

Plus you get the added benefit of lots of exercise and as a physician you know how good that is for the mood. I have periods of depression that running keeps at bay.


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post #17 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

Our largest hurdles are often thinking we should do something... anything... because doing nothing is wasted time.

There are times when nothing is exactly what we should be doing because without it, we have nothing to compare our acceptances with as we move forward.

When I am feeling unclear about things in my life that I am thinking are getting in the way and I should be moving forward but can't, I give myself the smile test. It may sound silly, but if I cannot think of 3 things about it that make me smile, then I believe I should let it go.

Funny thing is, I can always think of three things and they are often not the three things I "expected" and a whole new way of looking at it emerges.

And a new path opens...

नमस्ते
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post #18 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice and support. You've given me a lot to think about.

I do think I am depressed at some level, and the exercise idea is a good one. I've sort of slacked off there. I also think I have some PTSD from the last relationship. I had a panic attack this morning and ended up in the ER. The brutal name calling and accusations are still in the forefront of my mind. I know I'm not that person, so I'll get over it. But it destroys a big piece of the heart and soul. There really aren't words to express how horrible it was. It's like being in the eye of a cyclone, forever swirling, not able to get out - until finally you are catapulted onto something hard, left beaten and bruised. I just feel a level of panic all the time, sick to my stomach, stressed.

I loved the ideas for the bucket list, and I'm going to use those. I think someone nailed it though by saying "get motivated to get motivated". I have some things I do. I flip properties. I own/run an online community forum for a hobby; it's successful enough that typing the hobby and "forum" into Google puts us in second place on page 1 in the search. I should get my house ready to sell. I'm just... blah.

I have thought about Doctors Without Borders, but I have custody of my 16 year old daughter so those types of things are not on the radar right now. I would also like to move - but can't for 2 years, same reason. So that's part of the problem too... I'm "waiting around" to have this first-world problem of having too many choices. And I don't do "waiting around" well at all.

There are some really great ideas in your posts. I'm going to re-read them and make sure I've captured them all.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #19 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:33 PM
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

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Originally Posted by Hope Shimmers View Post
Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice and support. You've given me a lot to think about.

I do think I am depressed at some level, and the exercise idea is a good one. I've sort of slacked off there. I also think I have some PTSD from the last relationship. I had a panic attack this morning and ended up in the ER. The brutal name calling and accusations are still in the forefront of my mind. I know I'm not that person, so I'll get over it. But it destroys a big piece of the heart and soul. There really aren't words to express how horrible it was. It's like being in the eye of a cyclone, forever swirling, not able to get out - until finally you are catapulted onto something hard, left beaten and bruised. I just feel a level of panic all the time, sick to my stomach, stressed.

I loved the ideas for the bucket list, and I'm going to use those. I think someone nailed it though by saying "get motivated to get motivated". I have some things I do. I flip properties. I own/run an online community forum for a hobby; it's successful enough that typing the hobby and "forum" into Google puts us in second place on page 1 in the search. I should get my house ready to sell. I'm just... blah.

I have thought about Doctors Without Borders, but I have custody of my 16 year old daughter so those types of things are not on the radar right now. I would also like to move - but can't for 2 years, same reason. So that's part of the problem too... I'm "waiting around" to have this first-world problem of having too many choices. And I don't do "waiting around" well at all.

There are some really great ideas in your posts. I'm going to re-read them and make sure I've captured them all.
@Hope Shimmers, I can't remember--are you in IC? Because that could help a lot with the depression and the PTSD. Actually, I think you could really use it to help learn some coping skills for the panic attacks as well. If you're currently prone to panic attacks, going to a developing or conflicted region to provide volunteer medical services is perhaps not the best idea. I have a friend who is a GP, and he uses every bit of vacation time he has to go to these regions and provide medical care. If there's natural disaster or an epidemic somewhere in the world, he's on the next plane out. And he's got some crazy stories--lots of good stories, but some scary ones as well. He's been to Haiti after the earthquake a couple years ago, he went to Liberia to help during the Ebola outbreak, and he's been to a lot of other places as well. It's not for the faint of heart.

I don't want to discourage you, I definitely think you should do it, but I think you may want to focus on some other stuff first.

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post #20 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

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@Hope Shimmers, I can't remember--are you in IC? Because that could help a lot with the depression and the PTSD. Actually, I think you could really use it to help learn some coping skills for the panic attacks as well. If you're currently prone to panic attacks, going to a developing or conflicted region to provide volunteer medical services is perhaps not the best idea. I have a friend who is a GP, and he uses every bit of vacation time he has to go to these regions and provide medical care. If there's natural disaster or an epidemic somewhere in the world, he's on the next plane out. And he's got some crazy stories--lots of good stories, but some scary ones as well. He's been to Haiti after the earthquake a couple years ago, he went to Liberia to help during the Ebola outbreak, and he's been to a lot of other places as well. It's not for the faint of heart.

I don't want to discourage you, I definitely think you should do it, but I think you may want to focus on some other stuff first.
I'm not in IC right not, but I think that needs to change. For the reasons you mentioned.

I have had panic attacks in the past, but not for a long time until now.

Yes, I agree with your point that I would need to resolve some other things first. I am planning to donate some time at a camp for kids with critical illnesses this summer, but it won't be a great deal of time.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #21 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

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I'm not in IC right not, but I think that needs to change. For the reasons you mentioned.

I have had panic attacks in the past, but not for a long time until now.

Yes, I agree with your point that I would need to resolve some other things first. I am planning to donate some time at a camp for kids with critical illnesses this summer, but it won't be a great deal of time.
Definitely get yourself some IC. I think it will help a lot, to help you take care of you.

Volunteering/spending time with young kids can be a real mood booster and help put things in perspective. Do you like kids? Maybe that's something you could do in the interim. It doesn't have to be medical-related.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #22 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 05:36 PM
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

Summer camps are a great idea for the time you are tied to a location. Every camp has to have some sort of medical professional. Often they settle for whoever applies, not the person they really need.
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post #23 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:31 PM
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

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The thought of dating makes me almost want to vomit. I HATE dating. I think that's why I tend to dive into relationships head-first; so that I can avoid it. I have a horrible terrible man-picker. I can't stand the thought of dating again.

I just don't know what to do next. I feel stupid because the world is my oyster now, but I just don't see it. My daughter (my youngest child) who is 16 lives with me and will graduate from high school soon. When she does, I can go anywhere I want and do anything I want. I just don't know what that is.

I don't know how to get from one day to the next with no goal, and I don't know how to find a goal. I don't want it to be all about a man. I know I should volunteer, find a new interest or career, etc, etc, etc, but I just don't have the motivation or desire. How does someone get the motivation?
Take it one step at a time. As a medical writer, you work from home? That can be isolating and maybe contributing to your depression. Can you head to a cafe and work there?

If I were you (and I think you're in an enviable position- you don't have to work full-time, you have more free time than ever, you can make a list and literally do whatever you want), I'd start with exercise. I love hot yoga so that's what I'd do (I'd also try a barre class and Pilates). I'd join a local studio and go every week. I'd join a daytime book club. I'd meet a friend for lunch or coffee every week. I'd listen to podcasts on topics I love learning about while hiking. I'd get a dog if you don't already have one.

I'm reading about the three components of happiness and thought I'd share in case it helps you:
1. Someone to love.
2. Something to do.
3. Something to look forward to.

I'd make sure my day included all 3.
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post #24 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:22 PM
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

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I have thought about Doctors Without Borders, but I have custody of my 16 year old daughter so those types of things are not on the radar right now. I would also like to move - but can't for 2 years, same reason. So that's part of the problem too... I'm "waiting around" to have this first-world problem of having too many choices. And I don't do "waiting around" well at all.

There are some really great ideas in your posts. I'm going to re-read them and make sure I've captured them all.
Doctors without Borders is a great goal, and you can take steps now to make it go more smoothly, instead of just waiting around. Find out where you may be when the time comes, and do some research ahead of time. Take those two years to learn the most useful language you'll be exposed to there. Maybe there are some courses or certifications it would be useful to have under your belt.
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post #25 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

Thanks. Yes, I need to find ways to do something constructive during the next 2 years that will lead to my Second Life.

And yes, I mostly work from home, and it is isolating. I've tried going to Starbucks to work but it's usually too busy and loud and I have too many things to spread out and not enough space. But I'll keep thinking. All of the ideas are helping very much, thank you!


Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #26 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

Oh, and I do have a dog. Kind of. lol

He thinks he's a guard dog.


Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #27 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

I suggest a paid dating site. I know three people who used them and all ended up marrying a person them met on the dating site. The site allows you to be very specific about what you are looking for so that you do not waste time dating women who you would not ever enter into a relationship with.

The woman that my wife and I shared, married a doctor she met online. They are married for over 25 years now. All I hear are success stories from people I know who used an online dating service. Might want to give it a try. I have always had a woman in my life since I was 14 years old. I cannot imagine not living with and loving a woman. Lots of the guys said they also got lots of sex from the women they met and some just wanted sex after being divorced for a long time without any. Eventually they found a partner and they are all married for a long time and happy. Can't hurt to give it a try no matter what your age. I live in a large retirement community and people like me in their sixties and 70's still date and have sex. Some even find love again and get married.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #28 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:00 PM
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

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I'm not really even sure what I am asking, other than just maybe getting other people's opinions on what they would do in my shoes.

I have been divorced going on 10 years. I had a few relationships after my marriage, most recently one that lasted going on 2 years but just ended. The details are posted here in various places and I don't want this thread to get into details about it, because it's water under the bridge. It ended very badly and that upsets me, but it was inevitable. It was an LDR.

Enough about that. I guess I am just wondering how people keep motivated. Now that I'm free again, I feel like I don't want to be. I wanted the relationship to end differently. My focus is all over the place.

I'm 52, a physician but I don't practice full-time anymore. I do practice at a local tertiary care center here, but not full time. I started a medical writing business a few years ago and that has been my main source of income. I honestly have put almost no effort into it. The work I get are clients who come to me. I never recruited clients or put any work into it. Now things are starting to dwindle a bit there, and I should do something but I have no motivation. I don't really need the money, but I need something. Just not sure what.

The thought of dating makes me almost want to vomit. I HATE dating. I think that's why I tend to dive into relationships head-first; so that I can avoid it. I have a horrible terrible man-picker. I can't stand the thought of dating again.

I just don't know what to do next. I feel stupid because the world is my oyster now, but I just don't see it. My daughter (my youngest child) who is 16 lives with me and will graduate from high school soon. When she does, I can go anywhere I want and do anything I want. I just don't know what that is.

I don't know how to get from one day to the next with no goal, and I don't know how to find a goal. I don't want it to be all about a man. I know I should volunteer, find a new interest or career, etc, etc, etc, but I just don't have the motivation or desire. How does someone get the motivation?
Use your medical talents to help people. Yes give it away. Do it for 3 months, I bet your outlook will change dramatically.
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post #29 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

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I suggest a paid dating site. I know three people who used them and all ended up marrying a person them met on the dating site. The site allows you to be very specific about what you are looking for so that you do not waste time dating women who you would not ever enter into a relationship with.

The woman that my wife and I shared, married a doctor she met online. They are married for over 25 years now. All I hear are success stories from people I know who used an online dating service. Might want to give it a try. I have always had a woman in my life since I was 14 years old. I cannot imagine not living with and loving a woman. Lots of the guys said they also got lots of sex from the women they met and some just wanted sex after being divorced for a long time without any. Eventually they found a partner and they are all married for a long time and happy. Can't hurt to give it a try no matter what your age. I live in a large retirement community and people like me in their sixties and 70's still date and have sex. Some even find love again and get married.
The woman that you and your wife shared? Okay, I'm just going to let that one go right on by.

Don't even get me started on the topic of online dating. I've tried it... more than once. All I find are men who are either completely incapable of stringing together a sentence longer than four words, who are totally out of shape (a requirement of mine is to be fit, since I work at that), or who are married. Or all three.

Besides, it doesn't matter how specific one is in their profile about what type of person they are looking for. Because 99.9% of men don't bother to read the profiles.

I'm 52 and don't consider myself old. Certainly interested in relationships with men and sex. But the last thing I need right now is the depressing experience of online dating. But thanks anyway.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #30 of 45 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What To Look Forward To?

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Use your medical talents to help people. Yes give it away. Do it for 3 months, I bet your outlook will change dramatically.
@sokillme I have done this and continue to do it. Volunteer at free medical clinics, etc. I have done that since medical school, decades ago.

I'm curious, as it doesn't seem like you've read my thread. Why do you not think I do that already; that it would be a huge new concept to "give it away"? Do you think I am selfish enough that I don't know what volunteering is, or have ever tried it?

Most physicians do, because they want to help and that is the driving force that led them to the career choice.

And how do you know that my outlook would change dramatically?

Do you think this thread is about me trying to be selfish? Because that's how I read your post.

Also, I'm curious what YOU do to "give it away" and help people. It's not just restricted to physicians, you know. What do YOU do on a regular basis to give it away?

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.

Last edited by Hope Shimmers; 03-14-2017 at 02:19 AM.
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