Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...) - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

User Tag List

 24Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:39 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Just go in and sit towards the back with your child. You dont need to be anywhere near you ex or his partner, and you can go after the service.Simple.
My husband wasn't even allowed to go to the funerals of his ex wife's parents or sister when they died:-( He was completely rejected by her whole family after having known them for 23 years.
I am sorry that happened to your husband. I cannot even imagine how that would fell. One thing I hold onto dearly is knowing that there are still people there who care about me and love me, even if I don't see them or talk to them often. My parents died when I was in my 20's and my ex's family was my family.

TooNice is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:40 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,564
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Once the children are adults there is no need for further contact with the ex except for the children's weddings.
That's a big maybe. There are weddings and funerals and babies and kids birthdays and possible health issues. I'm not saying there is or needs to be regular contact, there's just a good chance over the years of being around the ex relatives.
Cooper is offline  
post #18 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:42 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 32
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Married 30 years, xw had an affair, married OM. My xSIL is only one I have remained close with (not any of the 5 brothers) and my xMIL is getting a bit senile, and isnt sure whats going on all the time.

two years after my divorce, my XSIL son got married (one of the few that still call me Uncle). I dreaded going to the wedding, which even tho it was outside, would cause me to see people I hadnt seen in two years, people who basically just discarded me. I figured that I would run into my XMIL in the reception line. So I practiced what I would say, practice my smile I would give while saying it, I practiced it over and over, tried to make it seem real, as I wanted to handle it well, as I know all would be watching and talking. Well I walked up to her, extended my hand, and said, "F! Why are looking good!" smiled, she smiled back, then realized her self and kinda turned away. I then stepped away. Easy Peasey. As for the rest of them it was simple staying away from them as they were as motivated as I to not come accross each other.

You can do it. Just stay in background, be there for who you need to be there for. Practice what you are going to say, keep it brief. Good luck.
Formally known as Hoosier is offline  
 
post #19 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:45 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 32
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Not to thread jack, but this brings up an interesting question. If/when my xw dies, if she predeceases me. Do I go to the funeral? I would want to support my three daughters, but with no contact last x years (currently almost 5) with any of the family, might be interesting. Anyone?
Formally known as Hoosier is offline  
post #20 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:13 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,564
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Formally known as Hoosier View Post
Not to thread jack, but this brings up an interesting question. If/when my xw dies, if she predeceases me. Do I go to the funeral? I would want to support my three daughters, but with no contact last x years (currently almost 5) with any of the family, might be interesting. Anyone?
Hell yes you should go just to see her off!!

I would go for the sake of the kids but would certainly try to remain in the background.
Cooper is offline  
post #21 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:32 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,918
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by TooNice View Post
I am sorry that happened to your husband. I cannot even imagine how that would fell. One thing I hold onto dearly is knowing that there are still people there who care about me and love me, even if I don't see them or talk to them often. My parents died when I was in my 20's and my ex's family was my family.
His family are all in OZ as well, so he only had a few friends. I thought they were pretty cold and mean, especially as she was the one who met another man and divorced him, but of course she probably told them a load of lies and half truths. Fortunately we met very soon afterwards so he had me and my family.

I actually still have contact with my exes family, we meet only occasionally because we all live so far apart, but we email regularly etc. Interestingly my ex hasn't seen or been in contact his family for years. I guess he will come to their funerals when they die, and I certainly will go with my husband and maybe adult children, so that may be embarrassing as I have a closer relationship with them than he has. Not sure how that will work, but I haven't a clue if he has another lady or not. Time will tell.
Diana7 is offline  
post #22 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:37 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Mid-South
Posts: 815
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Formally known as Hoosier View Post
Not to thread jack, but this brings up an interesting question. If/when my xw dies, if she predeceases me. Do I go to the funeral? I would want to support my three daughters, but with no contact last x years (currently almost 5) with any of the family, might be interesting. Anyone?
I would say yes. Regardless of what happened between you and your XW she is their mother and they will need your support.
WonkyNinja is online now  
post #23 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:37 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,918
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Formally known as Hoosier View Post
Not to thread jack, but this brings up an interesting question. If/when my xw dies, if she predeceases me. Do I go to the funeral? I would want to support my three daughters, but with no contact last x years (currently almost 5) with any of the family, might be interesting. Anyone?
I very much doubt that either of us would go to our exes funerals. All of our children are way into adulthood now and don't need us to accompany them. Your daughters may well be married and have their own husbands and children by then anyway.

Neither of us has seen our exes for about 11 years now. The only time we may see my husbands ex again is if his youngest son ever gets married and being that he is 30 now and has no girlfriend, I cant see that happening for some time.
Diana7 is offline  
post #24 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:38 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Mid-South
Posts: 815
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by TooNice View Post
I am sorry that happened to your husband. I cannot even imagine how that would fell. One thing I hold onto dearly is knowing that there are still people there who care about me and love me, even if I don't see them or talk to them often. My parents died when I was in my 20's and my ex's family was my family.
I'm sorry for your double loss.

Can I ask how come your daughter is estranged from you?

FWIW I think you let your XH off very light by not telling his family that he had a 5 year affair going on.
WonkyNinja is online now  
post #25 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:14 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by WonkyNinja View Post
I'm sorry for your double loss.

Can I ask how come your daughter is estranged from you?

FWIW I think you let your XH off very light by not telling his family that he had a 5 year affair going on.
Thank you. My son went off to college right before I got my own place, so it was quite a shock going from a family of four to essentially living alone. I'm really better off for it, but I miss his family terribly. And it's a kick in the gut to know that the OW gets to spend time with them.

You can ask about my stepdaughter, but I don't know the answer. She never bothered to tell me why she felt I no longer have a place in her life. My son does not understand, either, but I am happy that the two of them still have a good relationship. Whatever her issue is with me is hers alone, until the day she chooses to discuss it with me. I do know her bio parents are both narcissistic, and her mom has a long history of cutting people out of her life if she does not reap a benefit from keeping them around. My guess is that this is similar.

I never saw a reason to spill my ex's "secret". People are smart, and they figure things out. I feel as though exposing him would just make me look vindictive and bitter. And my son is an adult, but does not need to have the details laid out in front of him. I would rather he make his own opinions about his father, and the woman in his life. My whole issue with this funeral is that I don't want to come face to face with the OW. Hopefully, she will have enough brains to stay out of my way.

I know that I have done nothing wrong, and that his family has always cared about me. I don't need any more than that.


Last edited by TooNice; 03-16-2017 at 01:55 PM.
TooNice is offline  
post #26 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:39 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Deep South
Posts: 371
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by TooNice View Post
Thank you. My son went off to college right before I got my own place, so it was quite a shock going from a family of four to essentially living alone. I'm really better off for it, but I miss his family terribly. And it's a kick in the gut to know that the OW gets to spend time with them.

You can ask about my stepdaughter, but I don't know the answer. She never bothered to tell me why she felt I no longer have a place in her life. My son does not understand, either, but I am happy that the two of them still have a good relationship. Whatever her issue is with me is hers alone, until the day she choosing to discuss it with me. I do know her bio parents are both narcissistic, and her mom has a long history of cutting people out of her life if she does not reap a benefit from keeping them around. My guess is that this is similar.

I never saw a reason to spill my ex's "secret". People are smart, and they figure things out. I feel as though exposing him would just make me look vindictive and bitter. And my son is an adult, but does not need to have the details laid out in front of him. I would rather he make his own opinions about his father, and the woman in his life. My whole issue with this funeral is that I don't want to come face to face with the OW. Hopefully, she will have enough brains to stay out of my way.

I know that I have done nothing wrong, and that his family has always cared about me. I don't need any more than that.

But you are a strong lady TooNice. You have many people on this board standing in the background cheering for you.

You will handle this just like you have handled everything else during this saga. You will handle it with grace and dignity just like you usually do.
Absurdist is offline  
post #27 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:51 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 8,059
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Absurdist View Post
But you are a strong lady TooNice. You have many people on this board standing in the background cheering for you.

You will handle this just like you have handled everything else during this saga. You will handle it with grace and dignity just like you usually do.
QFT.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is offline  
post #28 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:36 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

If I was in your place I wouldn't attend the funeral at all.

They are no longer your family, the connection you had to them was through your exhusband and that is over.

I certainly wouldn't want my exwife at any funeral for any of my family members.
browser is offline  
post #29 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:23 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

@browser - I am sorry that you feel that way. I am grateful that I don't share that perspective. I do agree with you in that I'm sure my ex does not want me there, but I was a part of his family for more than 21 years. The fact that they are "no longer my family" as you put it, was through no choice of mine, nor of any one of them. I have every right to be there to pay my respects to a man I adored, and to hug and give condolences to those he left behind. Not to mention being there for my college-aged son.

I lost enough in all of this.

@Absurdist and @farsidejunky - Thank you both. You are too kind.
TooNice is offline  
post #30 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:25 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: Life events in your ex's family (but still yours, too...)

Update: It looks like I won't be there long. My son is home from college and needs to get back for classes resuming. He and I will probably do the visitation the day before - just for the first hour or so, then I will drive him to where he can catch a ride back to school. Mutually beneficial and low pressure (for my son, too; he really dislikes stuff like this).

So it shouldn't be too bad. I think.

I still hope the OW has the brains to stay far, far away from me, though.
TooNice is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Beginning of my frustrations pt.1 ikys General Relationship Discussion 14 11-02-2016 05:24 PM
Tips for Helping a Senior Family Member Live Independently VS Glen Home Page Feature News 0 10-31-2016 01:47 PM
First Post - Need help, *long Post* MrW General Relationship Discussion 92 10-12-2016 02:19 PM
How to Deal with the Challenges of a Blended Family VS Glen Home Page Feature News 2 06-24-2016 09:01 AM
Mother criticizes most of her family members sally40 General Relationship Discussion 10 05-08-2016 10:27 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome