It has been over a year since my divorce. While the pain has ended I am still left with anger. In trying to deal with that anger I have attempted to identify the things that make me so upset. I think I have it narrowed down to three main problems. What bothers me is while the pain has subsided I am worried the anger will overcome me eventually. I really think it is the last obstacle to overcome.
My first anger is the hurt of my children. I sometimes see the pain in their eyes when they realize things are truly never going to be the same. Children are resilient but not invulnerable. They have plenty to occupy their minds but sometimes it is obvious they are hurting and upset. Regardless for the reason for their pain the very thought of them hurting upsets and angers me to no end. I work hard to make their lives the best I can just like I have always done but this pain is out of my reach to completely resolve. I fear this anger the most.
My second anger is the betrayal of my wife. This anger come and goes and has mostly subsided. The thought that someone I loved could so easily betray and lie to me still boils my blood. I no longer feel the pain but the overwhelming anger that someone I trusted could commit the ultimate betrayal against her family is overwhelming. I think this bothers me because I know that I could never do the things that she did. I could not look at my children or myself in the mirror. It’s this very thought that confuses me and feeds my feelings of hatred.
The final anger is the anger with myself. The ways in which I let myself be manipulated and lied can cause me to lose sleep. How could I be so stupid and overlook what everyone else was seeing. Her manipulative ways and lies were so obvious and I was blind to them. Sometimes I give myself a pass in that I was doing everything I could to save my family. But the cost to my self-worth is sometimes more that I can bear and I become very angry.
As I read TAM I have become pretty good at predicting most threads. There is nothing new about pain, jealousy, and betrayal that surprise me anymore. I can usually read the first thread and now predict what will happen 15 pages in. But what I have not seen is how to get over the anger. Stories of how the anger subsides and forgiveness take over. That is what I need right now. It’s the last thing holding me back. I believe that my anger is not new and is just as common place as the pain found her on TAM. I would love to hear the stories about how the anger fades. They say time heals pain but what relieves the inner turmoil of resentment and hatred?
My first anger is the hurt of my children. I sometimes see the pain in their eyes when they realize things are truly never going to be the same. Children are resilient but not invulnerable. They have plenty to occupy their minds but sometimes it is obvious they are hurting and upset. Regardless for the reason for their pain the very thought of them hurting upsets and angers me to no end. I work hard to make their lives the best I can just like I have always done but this pain is out of my reach to completely resolve. I fear this anger the most.
My second anger is the betrayal of my wife. This anger come and goes and has mostly subsided. The thought that someone I loved could so easily betray and lie to me still boils my blood. I no longer feel the pain but the overwhelming anger that someone I trusted could commit the ultimate betrayal against her family is overwhelming. I think this bothers me because I know that I could never do the things that she did. I could not look at my children or myself in the mirror. It’s this very thought that confuses me and feeds my feelings of hatred.
The final anger is the anger with myself. The ways in which I let myself be manipulated and lied can cause me to lose sleep. How could I be so stupid and overlook what everyone else was seeing. Her manipulative ways and lies were so obvious and I was blind to them. Sometimes I give myself a pass in that I was doing everything I could to save my family. But the cost to my self-worth is sometimes more that I can bear and I become very angry.
As I read TAM I have become pretty good at predicting most threads. There is nothing new about pain, jealousy, and betrayal that surprise me anymore. I can usually read the first thread and now predict what will happen 15 pages in. But what I have not seen is how to get over the anger. Stories of how the anger subsides and forgiveness take over. That is what I need right now. It’s the last thing holding me back. I believe that my anger is not new and is just as common place as the pain found her on TAM. I would love to hear the stories about how the anger fades. They say time heals pain but what relieves the inner turmoil of resentment and hatred?