My goodbye letter... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-29-2011, 07:19 PM Thread Starter
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Angry My goodbye letter...

I know others on this board would of stated don't send it....but I did...

I've been divorced 13 months and I gave her this on the last day I saw her 12 months ago....

Divorce still sucks...........
.................................................. .......................

First I need to apologize to you for acting the way I did and questioning you the way I had. You and I are facing new challenges and obstacles that are both alien and new to me as they are to you.

Thank you for sharing with me that you were seeing someone else, telling me the truth (eventually) about how you really felt, how you had fallen in love with another man and that you no longer loved me, that you neither could or ever would want to hold, cuddle or kiss me …although very brutal (at the time) was also brave and honest and at least you didn’t string me along.

In hindsight you didn't have too. Although I had felt that this has been the case for a very long time and blatantly obvious since Christmas 2008, I needed to know this was true, hear the words come straight from your mouth which is why I confronted you the way I did in 2009 and continued to do so in 2010.

Even now over a year later (and I don’t know why) I've been desperately trying to hold on to the last thread of hope which has lingered in my heart that we could possibly survive this nightmare but the moment for me to finally let go came some months ago when I realised that even a simple ‘text’ saying ‘HI’ was beyond your feelings for me.

I also know deep down that I need to confront the reality of the present situation and accept YOU simply don’t want me anymore. I suppose given time my love for you will fade and die like the embers of a disused fire, but those embers still smoulder and (as you have seen recently) glow even now. But I am determined to extinguish them and soon (I hope) they will become the ashes and memories of what was once ours.

I also know I can no longer lie to myself and believe in a dream that you would one day wake up from this fog and say ...”lets give it one more try” since that's all it ever was.

Thank you for all the memories that we've shared together during our relationship. Through all the up's and down's, bad and good, and everything in between you have always been there as best as you could. Neither of us was perfect for each other and (in hindsight) if I was really honest never were but we survived a long, long time ……

It's unfortunate that it takes the most extreme situations to finally see the light and see who we really are.

You and I haven't really had a chance to grow and be free since BOTH of us chose a path in our lives that most people could never have dealt with. We married so very young, had kids, took on stressful careers and struggled for nearly 30 years.
We both did the best we could and I don't think there's a couple on this earth that could have confronted the challenges or sacrifices we've had.

You may not know this but it was your emotional support that kept me strong and able to strive forward in my military and police career and try to make better lives for you and our family.

It's ironic that you will only remember me for ‘always’ putting you down, ‘annoying’ the dogs, ‘teasing’ the children ….oh!! and wanting you to wear a particular type of ****..ha’ ha’ …Strange really when it was me who always had you on a pedestal when someone asked about you,

I always told who ever I met how supportive and honest you were, how caring your attitude was and how you always carried the hearts and thoughts of others. ….

The honesty bit seems so tainted now (since your affair was exposed) which is a shame…..but the rest of the above holds true…..

Maybe I forgot to tell these things to you….. This is why I could never really let go until now…you have something very special ‘deep deep’ inside you which is...simply ‘LOVING & GIVING’

Your thoughtfulness and caring has always astonished me… probably because this is something which is lacking in me.

I hope that this quality in you never fades and has been passed down to our children through the wonders of your DNA and our genes…..

Also...J you were a good wife, outside the negative aspects of our relationship you went out of your way to try and make things happen the best you could, regardless of motive.

I loved it when you made new and fantastic concoctions for dinner, even though sometimes my taste buds didn't agree. Your meals will be missed as will your company. Your attention to detail always put a smile on my ‘inner self ‘- Christmas, New Year, Birthday Parties, Weddings and Family get tog ether’s to name but a few.

I've also now come to accept fully the fact that this house will soon no longer be my home. For this I am so, so sad …..Both of us worked so hard for this dream and it’s difficult to say goodbye to it but I will …

I’m sure VINNIE will look after it and I truly hope you both are happy during the time you have to spend in it….

I sometimes think we both may have had the opportunity to see a very different future as a couple if maybe I had not been so hard headed and you had been faithful and true. Maybe if both of us had been more honest and open with each other regarding our emotional needs we could have turned a different corner….if…if…if…

I do not want this new phase in our lives to turn ugly and mean...for the sake of our children I won’t let it happen.

Both you and I have hid our feelings and emotions superbly during this traumatic time…….. One of which is anger...I hope that it doesn't rear its ugly head now or in the future.

I will soon no longer be your husband and vow in this letter never to ask you personal questions about your life, your affairs or who you see. I will make sure our paths do not cross again unless it’s a special event or important reason such as a wedding or funeral. If your heart truly is with “VINNIE” and his is with yours…then I wish you both happiness now and in the future and hope ALL your dreams come true.

My heart still aches for you and I long to fill the emptiness which I currently feel. The void in my life which I now have I know in time will heal, but at this time is so huge is difficult to comprehend.

I'm also re-learning how to trust female friends once more and I hope that I can return it to someone ‘special’ some day….who knows what the future holds??

Letting go... however letting someone else have control over your life, future and emotions again is exhausting, sometimes frightening but I have now finally realised its time to let go of this marriage and discard this last thread of hope which I have tried to cling onto for so long.

I wish you so much luck in your endeavours and dreams and truly hope that you find whatever it is …that is missing in your life. I am so sorry that I could not fill the void which appeared in our marriage and had to be filled for you by ‘another’… have told me it was only a very small part which was missing and that it then became huge…

I don’t believe it for one moment and I know deep down you have never been in love with me the way I was with you….I knew it long ago…way back during our disastrous ‘honeymoon’ but I did not have the guts to face it, … ……..or the consequences of having to walk away.

For me…....I guess I forgot to stop and smell the roses…..

You and the children were my roses...

unfortunately one rose has died and withered away...the caretaker of this special rose didn’t stop caring……. he definitely thought about the water but maybe forgot about the sunlight….

If ever there comes a moment in your life and you want to share you’re...

Always & Forever,

G xxx

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-29-2011, 07:45 PM
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Re: My goodbye letter...

Has she ever mentioned the letter?

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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-29-2011, 07:59 PM
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Re: My goodbye letter...

That is just so sad.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-29-2011, 09:12 PM
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Re: My goodbye letter...

Ya it is so sad. Especially the part about him saying he always knew she didn't love him as much as he loved her.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-30-2011, 02:36 AM
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Re: My goodbye letter...

hi waroftheroses, eloquently written. it's sad how things turned out, but your letter sends many messages of acceptance, peace, admittance, recognition and reiterating what occurred.

What happens to you now? It seems that the kids are grown, the house will be sold, wife has moved on. Now what are your goals and new dreams to accomplish for yourself?
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-30-2011, 07:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My goodbye letter...

To all of those who left messages thank you..x

Having given this letter to my 'ex' I received no reply and neither expected one....

the purpose of its content was to simply put in words that after 30 years of being faithful to one person our marriage and subsequent divorce deserved closure from my perspective.

My 'ex' now lives with her new love...he left his wife and 2 young children...(eventually) after she was told by me. Its sad that when these things happen... families, relationships and friendships are destroyed.

I still find it difficult to understand 'how close' we came to a great life of leisure and enjoyment....the children had flown the nest...the mortgage nearly finished and luxury holidays were within our capabilities...ALL thrown away... for what??

The house we worked so hard for for has been sold (so I have been told by the children) and they both now live in a much smaller property.....

As for me...I now have my own home...finances are tight but manageable ...I currently live alone and agree with 'JB' on her opinion's of resuming the dating scene.....PATIENCE... Ha!

I still occasionally struggle..have moments of deep despair...and cry .... all of you on TAM (especially Elegirl, JB, Morituri,Sparkles, Hertoo...etc) who were unaware that I was 'creeping' there blogs during my darkest days...THANK YOU.....

Your words of advice, guidence, encouragement and hope will be treasured.

Best wishes to you all on TAM for 2012....
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-30-2011, 07:35 AM
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Re: My goodbye letter...

You are still grieving, dear. It take some people NO time to get over these types of things (and these are people who I think were never that committed to that marriage, sad really) and it takes others a long time.

Just go through it, feel your feelings, no rush on anything. Take it day by day. When you feel ready to date again, go for it. If you don't feel ready, don't. Cause that means you aren't ready and it's not fair to you or potential dating partners.

When did you give her the letter? It's sad she never responded (and a d!ck move on her part, IMO). Rude.

And LOL about your "creeping" the blogs. Good times.

I wish you an excellent 2012, War
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-30-2011, 01:12 PM
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Re: My goodbye letter...

Waroftheroses - beautiful letter and so classy. I wish I could give you a big hug.

Your wife probably didn't respond because she's ashamed. That's her weakness, not yours.

In 2000 I divorced after 10 years of marriage (my choice) with two young sons. Thankfully my ex and I still get along, but it will always be a sad chapter in my life. It was a big loss for everyone.

I did remarry 5 1/2 years ago and life is good, but it took me a good 5 years to be emotionally ready for a serious relationship after my divorce. Grieving takes time but there will be happier days ahead for you. Don't ever lose hope and always be open to the promise of a new relationship.

May 2012 bring you many wonderful things! xoxo
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