Ok when should the purposal come - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

Due to what happened to me recently, I think it's wise to date a couple of years and give time for the honeymoon period to lessen and get the rise colored glasses off.

I'm unmarried after the two years, still love her like I did two months into the relationship, and it's likely that we will break up for good--- are now, although we were engaged and in two months of married when things went downhill.

It takes a while to really know someone. I dated my ex wife for 4 years before marrying. Anything over two years is a waste to me. Just get married. There's never a guarantee that things won't go south, no matter how careful one is. Life and people just can't be planned. Things just happen.

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post #17 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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For me I decided long ago that I would never marry again until I at least knew a woman for 5 years and lived with her at least 3.
There's nothing wrong with this, as long as the women you date for a while know about it. What isn't fair is to date someone for 4.5 years and never tell them that you have this timeline for yourself going on.

If my marriage broke up I don't think I'd marry again. I might do something like a commitment ceremony on a private beach somewhere just between the two of us, but not a full blown wedding. Those are for young people.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #18 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 12:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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There's nothing wrong with this, as long as the women you date for a while know about it. What isn't fair is to date someone for 4.5 years and never tell them that you have this timeline for yourself going on.

If my marriage broke up I don't think I'd marry again. I might do something like a commitment ceremony on a private beach somewhere just between the two of us, but not a full blown wedding. Those are for young people.
Well it's more of a minimum in my mind to consider marriage not to get married. But I get what you're saying. I never promise to anyone, except once, that if they were patient enough a marriage would result. Right now marriage is really not on my priority list. But I am aware enough to know I should never say never .... didn't think I would be divorced either. We never know where life will take us
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post #19 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Well it's more of a minimum in my mind to consider marriage not to get married. But I get what you're saying. I never promise to anyone, except once, that if they were patient enough a marriage would result. Right now marriage is really not on my priority list. But I am aware enough to know I should never say never .... didn't think I would be divorced either. We never know where life will take us
I never thought I'd be divorced either or get into a ****ty marriage. I think chances are I'm going to have to get divorced whether I want to or not. Once divorced it would really be hard for me to do it again. It would have to be a nearly perfect situation.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #20 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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I never thought I'd be divorced either or get into a ****ty marriage. I think chances are I'm going to have to get divorced whether I want to or not. Once divorced it would really be hard for me to do it again. It would have to be a nearly perfect situation.
Hopefully you will find happiness as I have in leading your own life after divorce. It is hard, maybe foolish, to put SO much of what we are and who we are in a relationship. After all realtionships have two people and no matter how well you caretake your end the other person can still decide to leave. When you place yourself first you are solely responsible for your own happiness. I have to say it's fantastic, fulfilling and no fear associated with it.
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post #21 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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There's nothing wrong with this, as long as the women you date for a while know about it. What isn't fair is to date someone for 4.5 years and never tell them that you have this timeline for yourself going on.

If my marriage broke up I don't think I'd marry again. I might do something like a commitment ceremony on a private beach somewhere just between the two of us, but not a full blown wedding. Those are for young people.
Isn't a "commitment ceremony" just a low key wedding? 😋
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post #22 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

I think if you find someone that you admire for their character, and fall crazy in love with them--- you'll want to get married. Best not to anyway, if that doesn't happen.
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post #23 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

I knew my XW 18 months prior to. M roughly two years after met. It's a mixed bag for everyone and age plays a huge part. Also does how many previous D, age of kids, state of affairs with their XW / XH.

Some may wait longer if kids are within a year or two from leaving for college. Most will certainly weigh in the balance of assets. If one has an 8:1 ratio in assets and the "1" is pushing engagement / M. the "8" will have cause for alarm.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #24 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Isn't a "commitment ceremony" just a low key wedding? 😋
Yes but without all the legal crap. Not that that really makes a difference any more - once you've lived together for a few months the law considers you married. "Getting married" is symbolic in so many ways - "living together" doesn't carry the same connotation.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #25 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Yes but without all the legal crap. Not that that really makes a difference any more - once you've lived together for a few months the law considers you married. "Getting married" is symbolic in so many ways - "living together" doesn't carry the same connotation.
Holy bat-sheet.... I had a friend crash here for four months while his D was going on. Does that mean

me n him's married??


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #26 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

I think it depends on where you both want the relationship to go. At my age (over 50) if I was out there again I would not be in a hurry to marry and would not be worried about that as long as we were both happy in the relationship. But if I decided getting married again was my goal, I definitely would not give some guy 5 years to test me out. And I don't think I will EVER live with someone outside of marriage again. Too many down sides for the woman.

I think a good year of dating followed by a year long engagement would be about right for me if we're both adults and both want to end up married again.

For your friends, it sounds like the girls know they want marriage and the guys are ambivalent. Those girls would probably wise to look for someone who shares their goal of wanting marriage and use what they learned about themselves and relationships from their divorce to find a better match this time. Pushing a reluctant person to marry you does not end well. Just ask @arbitrator!

If a guy is still hesitant to marry 3,4,5 years in -- he's just not that into you.



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So 2 nights ago was an exceptionally slow night due to some bad weather. So a group of us were having a round robin discussion about marriage purposals.

It was 4 guys and three women all of us had one divorce but were either remarried, living together or engaged. What started this conversation is one of the ladies was just proposed to after 3 years dating. This of course was sore subject to her friend that is in year 4 and not yet engaged. So the subjects came up about timelines..

Across the board all the guys were like 5 years plus before even thinking about purposal. Two of the women were 3 years is along enough and the other was adamant about 18 months no longer.

Since most of us here have had a divorce, and yes I do think that changes things, I would like to pose the same question to a larger Audience to see if their really is a gender issue on this. So how long are you willing to wait or will you wait to consider getting remarried.

For me I decided long ago that I would never marry again until I at least knew a woman for 5 years and lived with her at least 3.
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post #27 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:57 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Yes but without all the legal crap. Not that that really makes a difference any more - once you've lived together for a few months the law considers you married. "Getting married" is symbolic in so many ways - "living together" doesn't carry the same connotation.
No, it doesn't. It depends on the laws of your state. In most states, just "living together" does NOT constitute a common law marriage, no matter how long you've lived together.

Now, if during a certain period of time, the couple has held themselves out to be a legally married couple, it can change things...

...but not in all cases.
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post #28 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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I think it depends on where you both want the relationship to go. At my age (over 50) if I was out there again I would not be in a hurry to marry and would not be worried about that as long as we were both happy in the relationship. But if I decided getting married again was my goal, I definitely would not give some guy 5 years to test me out. And I don't think I will EVER live with someone outside of marriage again. Too many down sides for the woman.

I think a good year of dating followed by a year long engagement would be about right for me if we're both adults and both want to end up married again.

For your friends, it sounds like the girls know they want marriage and the guys are ambivalent. Those girls would probably wise to look for someone who shares their goal of wanting marriage and use what they learned about themselves and relationships from their divorce to find a better match this time. Pushing a reluctant person to marry you does not end well. Just ask @arbitrator!

If a guy is still hesitant to marry 3,4,5 years in -- he's just not that into you.
Couldn't disagree more. Being into someone doesn't mean anything when you want a focus on a relationship and not a wedding. Anyone who values a relationship it shouldn't matter timelines. I had a relationship where she was pushing for marriage and honestly if she would have calmed down about that and focused more on us I would have been married to her by now. I was not ambivalent at all but her focusing on getting married vs a stable healthy relationship told me she was more interested in a status than me. Finally it caused us to breakup because I wasn't moving fast enough for her. Three months later, no it's not a typo, she married the next guy who came along, got what she wanted and got married for a second time before turning 30.


She is divorced now again for the second time And Regrets of breaking it of with me and not giving it more time I'm told. As she should because I was very serious about her just not her one sided timeline .

For many after divorce it's not ambivalence it's just a desire to focus on relationships and not status.
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post #29 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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No, it doesn't. It depends on the laws of your state. In most states, just "living together" does NOT constitute a common law marriage, no matter how long you've lived together.

Now, if during a certain period of time, the couple has held themselves out to be a legally married couple, it can change things...

...but not in all cases.
True. In my state my GF and I would not be considered common law married and I have always been careful not to hold us out to the community as such for this very reason.
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post #30 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:24 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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True. In my state my GF and I would not be considered common law married and I have always been careful not to hold us out to the community as such for this very reason.
'N muh stayt (10-A-C) ifins ya sits down at 'er supper tabel moren' three days 'aweek, youns marryd

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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