Ok when should the purposal come - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #31 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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'N muh stayt (10-A-C) ifins ya sits down at 'er supper tabel moren' three days 'aweek, youns marryd
Good thing I don't then

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post #32 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:35 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

I think a good length of time is at least 2 years. Isn't that about the time that all the lovey dovey chemicals wear off? My husband and I dated for 6 years before he proposed and were married a year later but we started dating at 18.
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post #33 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:36 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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'N muh stayt (10-A-C) ifins ya sits down at 'er supper tabel moren' three days 'aweek, youns marryd
LOL! Used to be, in certain jurisdictions, that if you had sex with someone, you were "marryd" to 'em...
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post #34 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:40 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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True. In my state my GF and I would not be considered common law married and I have always been careful not to hold us out to the community as such for this very reason.
Unfortunately, a lot of people believe that if you've lived together for a certain period of time, you're "automatically" considered to be married.

Heck, I used to believe the same thing, until I went to paralegal school.

But, you're SMART to do what you're doing so there would be no mistake.
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post #35 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 07:07 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

The 2 year mark sounds about right for those interested in remarriage. That's enough time to decide whether or not you like the other person enough to marry.

IMO, if someone says they are open to marriage but are hesitant to commit to a person they truly love, then that's a red flag. To me it says they fear a repeat of their previous relationship which tells me that they haven't worked through their issues coming out of divorce.

Personally, I won't say I will never remarry but I will say that I will never co-habitat without marriage. I'll only play house with someone who is legally my husband.
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post #36 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 07:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Unfortunately, a lot of people believe that if you've lived together for a certain period of time, you're "automatically" considered to be married.

Heck, I used to believe the same thing, until I went to paralegal school.

But, you're SMART to do what you're doing so there would be no mistake.
Your Right a lot of people do think this. I also knew better because if my job. A big part of investigations into domestic violence is establishing relationships according to the law. Can't blame people not knowing. It's a pretty popular mistake
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post #37 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 07:55 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

Most people are very against M.... after they D. Completely normal. I always had the two year mark

myself. Within the first two, all the skeletons come out, as do the bandages fall, if there are any.

I've only lived with two females, the XW and the post-D girl. Living with post-D girl did allow

me to see her true flaws. After a year in, I was talking to an old TAM vet and he predicted she will

have a meltdown in roughly another year. He missed it by one month.

One positive thing you can see from second M is neither will stay in the M even if they are miserable.

They've been down that road. The main reason for living together is for people to make sure they

are not given the "bait n switch." -My Tommy is a good man, he may have a drink once in awhile.-

Then after M, she finds out he drinks every day... and not just a glass of wine at meals.

-We have sex all the time, she takes care of herself, works out 5x a week, cooks 4-5x a week-

Then after M, she quits the gym, gets a Marcy Darcy chili bowl, sees sex as a chore, and you know

the Chinese deliver guy on a first name basis and what classes he is taking that semester.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #38 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Most people are very against M.... after they D. Completely normal. I always had the two year mark

myself. Within the first two, all the skeletons come out, as do the bandages fall, if there are any.

I've only lived with two females, the XW and the post-D girl. Living with post-D girl did allow

me to see her true flaws. After a year in, I was talking to an old TAM vet and he predicted she will

have a meltdown in roughly another year. He missed it by one month.

One positive thing you can see from second M is neither will stay in the M even if they are miserable.

They've been down that road. The main reason for living together is for people to make sure they

are not given the "bait n switch." -My Tommy is a good man, he may have a drink once in awhile.-

Then after M, she finds out he drinks every day... and not just a glass of wine at meals.

-We have sex all the time, she takes care of herself, works out 5x a week, cooks 4-5x a week-

Then after M, she quits the gym, gets a Marcy Darcy chili bowl, sees sex as a chore, and you know

the Chinese deliver guy on a first name basis and what classes he is taking that semester.
I love this. One of my favorite things I tell my colleagues when they give me the old "you are basically married" now is I say no the difference is when she leaves she just goes and doesn't take 1/2 my stuff with her
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post #39 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 11:17 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

At middle age, I would say about a year or two, but not more than that.

I probably will never marry again, but I would like to jinx that and I should of never said never.

Move in with someone without being married is not for me. Heck, maybe not even if I get married again would I move in with someone. I like my space, I don't want to share either side of my bed for too long either.

The older I get the more territorial I become!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #40 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 11:40 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

How long did you date her and what ages were you? And why do you think it was "status" that drove her desire to marry? (As opposed to desiring stability, security, commitment, wanting a family, etc.)

Marrying someone 3 months into a relationship shows she was definitely a bit on the needy side... But there are multiple perspectives here. Women only have so many years to find Mr. Right if they want a family. Men have many more years and often not as strong a drive to really want a family. If a young woman is willing to spend years and years with a man who is not willing to commit to her, she runs the VERY REAL risk of running out of time.

If the woman knows that marriage is what she really wants, and the guy is saying "Why can't you just focus on our relationship now?" she's making a big gamble to spend her youth tied to a guy who gives all indication that marriage is not important to him. You SAY that you would have married her if she had stuck around, but how was she to know that? For every girl with a guy who just needs a little more time, there are probably 1,000 girls with guys who simply are not serious about having a future with them and are just really enjoying steady sex and companionship.


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Couldn't disagree more. Being into someone doesn't mean anything when you want a focus on a relationship and not a wedding. Anyone who values a relationship it shouldn't matter timelines. I had a relationship where she was pushing for marriage and honestly if she would have calmed down about that and focused more on us I would have been married to her by now. I was not ambivalent at all but her focusing on getting married vs a stable healthy relationship told me she was more interested in a status than me. Finally it caused us to breakup because I wasn't moving fast enough for her. Three months later, no it's not a typo, she married the next guy who came along, got what she wanted and got married for a second time before turning 30.


She is divorced now again for the second time And Regrets of breaking it of with me and not giving it more time I'm told. As she should because I was very serious about her just not her one sided timeline .

For many after divorce it's not ambivalence it's just a desire to focus on relationships and not status.


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post #41 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:07 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

@WorkingWife summed how I also feel rather nicely. Many women I know (including myself) have clung to a man that is not going to budge in one respect or another. I'm not even saying that's a bad thing on his part, it's just his choice to live life that way. It's an incompatibility.

As a woman who lost many good years because of a wrong choice she made (choosing a man way over her own happiness) it is my mission to not watch another woman do what I did without at least trying to tell her to move on and find a man with similar desires. It's just such a gamble when your time is the most precious thing you have.

Life's not fair and you should aim to live by your choices, without bitterness. The best way you can do this is to choose wisely

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #42 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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How long did you date her and what ages were you? And why do you think it was "status" that drove her desire to marry? (As opposed to desiring stability, security, commitment, wanting a family, etc.)

Marrying someone 3 months into a relationship shows she was definitely a bit on the needy side... But there are multiple perspectives here. Women only have so many years to find Mr. Right if they want a family. Men have many more years and often not as strong a drive to really want a family. If a young woman is willing to spend years and years with a man who is not willing to commit to her, she runs the VERY REAL risk of running out of time.

If the woman knows that marriage is what she really wants, and the guy is saying "Why can't you just focus on our relationship now?" she's making a big gamble to spend her youth tied to a guy who gives all indication that marriage is not important to him. You SAY that you would have married her if she had stuck around, but how was she to know that? For every girl with a guy who just needs a little more time, there are probably 1,000 girls with guys who simply are not serious about having a future with them and are just really enjoying steady sex and companionship.
Well she was 28 and I 36 and both of us were done having kids. Marrying to find stability is a fools errand if the relationship isn't stable. Partially why you find 2nd and 3rd marriages at higher divorce rates but other reasons do compound that.

We went out for 12 months total before she broke it off.

Well she certainly didn't find that second marriage right since they are divorced now I would say. Now she is older and twice divorced. And I was willing to commit but wanted to know she wanted me and not just a ring and status. Ultimately I was proven very right. And she knew because I told her but maybe like you said didn't trust that. She was wrong and I'm ok with how things turned out ultimately because I'm sure she will be married again soon cause that's her priority it's just not mine. I want the good relationship first .
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post #43 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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@WorkingWife summed how I also feel rather nicely. Many women I know (including myself) have clung to a man that is not going to budge in one respect or another. I'm not even saying that's a bad thing on his part, it's just his choice to live life that way. It's an incompatibility.

As a woman who lost many good years because of a wrong choice she made (choosing a man way over her own happiness) it is my mission to not watch another woman do what I did without at least trying to tell her to move on and find a man with similar desires. It's just such a gamble when your time is the most precious thing you have.

Life's not fair and you should aim to live by your choices, without bitterness. The best way you can do this is to choose wisely
Certainly a perspective I'm just pointing out sometimes that advice is short sighted. Women can have their timelines but men get theirs as well and also valid. Besides you talk about wasted years but they made you who you are and met odo. All things have a way of working out in the end wouldn't you say?
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post #44 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:47 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

My first marriage we were kids (19) and dated for 7 months, engaged for 5 months. We did not live together before marriage. We were married 20 years.

When I started dating my current hubby he had never been married and was in his early 40's. On our first date I asked him if he would ever consider getting married. He said "yes". Later the next week I remember him saying he doesn't think marriage is necessary, it is "just a piece of paper". During both of these conversations which were very, very early in our relationship I spoke up and said how I felt on the matter - I feel like I was created to be a wife and a mom. I love marriage and what it stands for and believe strongly it was the right thing for me to do. I also let him know it was absolutely what I was looking for in a relationship just so he know what I was expecting out of our time together.

So my current hubby, proposed after we had been dating and living together for 7 months and we married at 9 months. And we are both super happy with our choices and time frame. It was what worked for us. Everyone else has to find what works for them

Ciao,

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post #45 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:00 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Well she was 28 and I 36 and both of us were done having kids. Marrying to find stability is a fools errand if the relationship isn't stable. Partially why you find 2nd and 3rd marriages at higher divorce rates but other reasons do compound that.

We went out for 12 months total before she broke it off.

Well she certainly didn't find that second marriage right since they are divorced now I would say. Now she is older and twice divorced. And I was willing to commit but wanted to know she wanted me and not just a ring and status. Ultimately I was proven very right. And she knew because I told her but maybe like you said didn't trust that. She was wrong and I'm ok with how things turned out ultimately because I'm sure she will be married again soon cause that's her priority it's just not mine. I want the good relationship first .
Well if you told her that you wanted a commitment ultimately and she broke it off after being together just one year, I assume her hounding for marriage started well before that. It sounds like she had/has some serious issues and you dodged a bullet.

All I'm saying is what @Satay said - if one partner (more often the woman) does want marriage, and the guy is happy to date forever, they are not well matched and it shouldn't take 5 years to figure that out.
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