Ok when should the purposal come - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #46 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:01 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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@WorkingWife summed how I also feel rather nicely. Many women I know (including myself) have clung to a man that is not going to budge in one respect or another. I'm not even saying that's a bad thing on his part, it's just his choice to live life that way. It's an incompatibility.

As a woman who lost many good years because of a wrong choice she made (choosing a man way over her own happiness) it is my mission to not watch another woman do what I did without at least trying to tell her to move on and find a man with similar desires. It's just such a gamble when your time is the most precious thing you have.

Life's not fair and you should aim to live by your choices, without bitterness. The best way you can do this is to choose wisely
Exactly.

I am also a woman who wasted years on the wrong guy (more than once...) and it has cost me dearly. I would love to help other women keep from making the same mistake.

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post #47 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Well if you told her that you wanted a commitment ultimately and she broke it off after being together just one year, I assume her hounding for marriage started well before that. It sounds like she had/has some serious issues and you dodged a bullet.

All I'm saying is what @Satay said - if one partner (more often the woman) does want marriage, and the guy is happy to date forever, they are not well matched and it shouldn't take 5 years to figure that out.
Well will just have to agree to disagree. I certainly am not against marriage if the right realtionship is present. I just won't rush it till I know the foundation is solid. That takes whatever time it takes. Been with my current GF almost 4 and still don't have that answer.

And your right I certainly dodged a bullet with the prevoius GF. She did a number on me.
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post #48 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

Interesting discussion. Once again there are distinct schools of thought. Seems most men (especially divorced ones) decide marriage is not a desired outcome and are more than willing to wait. Most women want marriage and are unwilling to wait. I would be curious to know how those outcomes would change if divorce and custody laws were different.

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post #49 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Certainly a perspective I'm just pointing out sometimes that advice is short sighted. Women can have their timelines but men get theirs as well and also valid. Besides you talk about wasted years but they made you who you are and met odo. All things have a way of working out in the end wouldn't you say?
Yes, most definitely, @Wolf1974! I have no complaints or regrets with who I am now.

My reality, however, is that I'm also an older woman who can't go back in time.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #50 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

It's one thing to say up front you are not wild about M again. It's another to tell the other you

do want to M again but string the other along.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #51 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

IMO, it takes at least a year to know someone well enough - from seeing them in a variety of situations and dealing with problems - before I'd even consider a permanent arrangement. At that point I'd suggest living together for a year, and see if we are compatible through that. Then, if all is going well, a proposal would be okay - but if there are issues to work out, a proposal would have to wait until they were resolved to my satisfaction. If not resolved by the three year mark, it's time to break up and move on. Anyway, once a proposal is made, I think another full year should go by before marrying, as some people let themselves lapse once they think things are assured. So, proposal in 2 to 3 years, marriage - if desired - about a year or more later. And that's the fast track timeline.

Since I'm not a fan or proponent of marriage (instead favoring long-term commitment and cohabitation), instead of a proposal, the question could instead be: Would you marry me if there were a good reason to do so, instead of a long-term non-marital commitment?

After a year and a half (dating, then living together), my wife asked if I thought she was marriage material, even if we never married. I said yes. We did marry 5.5 years later, but purely for pragmatic reasons - we already had the love and commitment.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Last edited by Married but Happy; 03-31-2017 at 09:20 AM.
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post #52 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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No, it doesn't. It depends on the laws of your state. In most states, just "living together" does NOT constitute a common law marriage, no matter how long you've lived together.

Now, if during a certain period of time, the couple has held themselves out to be a legally married couple, it can change things...

...but not in all cases.
It sure does here. The SECOND I moved in with hubby before we were married, I had to add his income in for subsidy purposes. After 12 months consecutively living together you're required to claim 'common law' on your taxes and it's done the same as if you're married. If a couple who isn't married splits up, they can take each other to court and be awarded settlements the same as if you're married. And for child support purposes, if you live with a woman with kids that were there before you, and you split with her, she can get child support from you.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #53 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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It sure does here. The SECOND I moved in with hubby before we were married, I had to add his income in for subsidy purposes. After 12 months consecutively living together you're required to claim 'common law' on your taxes and it's done the same as if you're married. If a couple who isn't married splits up, they can take each other to court and be awarded settlements the same as if you're married. And for child support purposes, if you live with a woman with kids that were there before you, and you split with her, she can get child support from you.
Canadian courts must have free time and in need of a revenue stream. That is asinine

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #54 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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I love this. One of my favorite things I tell my colleagues when they give me the old "you are basically married" now is I say no the difference is when she leaves she just goes and doesn't take 1/2 my stuff with her
Ya mean this?
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A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #55 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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It sure does here. The SECOND I moved in with hubby before we were married, I had to add his income in for subsidy purposes. After 12 months consecutively living together you're required to claim 'common law' on your taxes and it's done the same as if you're married. If a couple who isn't married splits up, they can take each other to court and be awarded settlements the same as if you're married. And for child support purposes, if you live with a woman with kids that were there before you, and you split with her, she can get child support from you.
Wow thanks for clarifying. It is different than in the states for sure. And honestly even different states vary on the identification if common law.

Hope do you find less willing to cohabitate up there because of this? Living together unmarried has become a somewhat norm here. Think many see it as a trial run to marriage.

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post #56 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Interesting discussion. Once again there are distinct schools of thought. Seems most men (especially divorced ones) decide marriage is not a desired outcome and are more than willing to wait. Most women want marriage and are unwilling to wait. I would be curious to know how those outcomes would change if divorce and custody laws were different.
Can only speak for myself but if it wasn't such a huge gamble I wouldn't be nearly as cautious about remarriage. I would only have to focus on the fear of letting my guard down again emotionally which is a chance but in life worth taking in my opinion. But as it stands now I gamble my future and my kids future financial stability by choosing a wrong partner again. Only difference this time would be that it's an increased gamble because whoever I divorced from the next time would have no problems seeing my kids visit me in a cardboard box, least my x didn't want her kids doing that.
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post #57 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Hope do you find less willing to cohabitate up there because of this? Living together unmarried has become a somewhat norm here. Think many see it as a trial run to marriage.
It's pretty much the norm here too, for the most part. I think people just accept the rules because that's what they know. But I also think a lot of guys don't know about the child support rules.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #58 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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It's pretty much the norm here too, for the most part. I think people just accept the rules because that's what they know. But I also think a lot of guys don't know about the child support rules.
I guess I'd be one of the SOBs to contest it to the Queen.

If you stand for nothing, you lose everything.

May I go to jail, LOL seriously, this isn't 1817. But if I did, I will standing for a cause.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #59 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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I guess I'd be one of the SOBs to contest it to the Queen.

If you stand for nothing, you lose everything.

May I go to jail, LOL seriously, this isn't 1817. But if I did, I will standing for a cause.
Child support duckers (ie deadbeat dads) don't go to jail here. The provincial governments each oversee some type of 'maintenance enforcement' program, all of which are just a joke - they don't do SQUAT. My ex died owing me over $70,000.00 in child support and I will never see a cent. All he had to do was stay under the radar for 20 years and he totally got out of paying. Their 'enforcement' consists of a federal garnishee. That's it. They do nothing to track these guys down or get wages if they work under the table or switch employers frequently. The federal garnishee is useless too, because they just don't file a tax return. There's no real penalty here for not filing.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #60 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Child support duckers (ie deadbeat dads) don't go to jail here. The provincial governments each oversee some type of 'maintenance enforcement' program, all of which are just a joke - they don't do SQUAT. My ex died owing me over $70,000.00 in child support and I will never see a cent. All he had to do was stay under the radar for 20 years and he totally got out of paying. Their 'enforcement' consists of a federal garnishee. That's it. They do nothing to track these guys down or get wages if they work under the table or switch employers frequently. The federal garnishee is useless too, because they just don't file a tax return. There's no real penalty here for not filing.
Child support is one thing, I was referring to allowing common law after you eat supper there three times

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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