Ok when should the purposal come - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
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Ok when should the purposal come

So 2 nights ago was an exceptionally slow night due to some bad weather. So a group of us were having a round robin discussion about marriage purposals.

It was 4 guys and three women all of us had one divorce but were either remarried, living together or engaged. What started this conversation is one of the ladies was just proposed to after 3 years dating. This of course was sore subject to her friend that is in year 4 and not yet engaged. So the subjects came up about timelines..

Across the board all the guys were like 5 years plus before even thinking about purposal. Two of the women were 3 years is along enough and the other was adamant about 18 months no longer.

Since most of us here have had a divorce, and yes I do think that changes things, I would like to pose the same question to a larger Audience to see if their really is a gender issue on this. So how long are you willing to wait or will you wait to consider getting remarried.

For me I decided long ago that I would never marry again until I at least knew a woman for 5 years and lived with her at least 3.

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post #2 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:12 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

11 months
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post #3 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:15 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

Never.

Especially among people that have one failed marriage behind them.
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post #4 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:57 PM
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Cool Re: Ok when should the purposal come

With first XW, about 16 months!

And with my RSXW, and with all of her incessant prodding, it took about 6 months!

But please take note that that short of an engagement will damned well never happen to Ol' Arb ever again! Let's just say that I'd much rather have an inflamed hemorrhoid excised, sans Novocain or anesthesia, with a rusty pruning fork!

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Last edited by arbitrator; 03-29-2017 at 07:35 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #5 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 07:30 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

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Originally Posted by Adiron View Post
Never.

Especially among people that have one failed marriage behind them.
Are you talking about yourself or are you super imposing this POV on the rest of the population? I have been divorced but I did not have a failed marriage. I remarried and am extremely happy.

As for the OP IMHO 5 years seems a reasonable time frame for the actual proposal and marriage. About the 2 or so year mark to start having the discussion on whether or not marriage is in the couples future.
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post #6 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

I proposed 3 weeks after we met. Married for over 44 years and still going. I was engaged for one year with my ex-fiancee before she cheated. I like the BandAid proposal. Do it quickly and get it over with.

Actually I think time is not as important as how well you know each other. You also need to know if you are sexually compatible or end up like so many others complaining about their lack of sex or kind of sex. My wife and I just felt it immediately and after taking her virginity I knew she was for me. She was not the classic virgin. She did everything else but intercourse and that everything else was great to make up for the lack of PIV. When PIV was added. It was great and I was right.

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post #7 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 11:33 PM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

I seperated in 01/2016, divorced 06/2016. Started dating the girl in 02/2016 and proposed 02/2017. Meh, you know within a few months if she is someone that you want to wake up next to every day for the rest of your life. If it doesn't work out, I'll find someone else. But hopefully it continues. Buying a house and living together next month and will get married end of the year.
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post #8 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:21 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

At the age of 56 words like girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancee, proposal, all seem kind of silly to me so at this point in my life there probably will never be another proposal or another engagement. For the youngsters out there I would say a minimum of one year of serious dating before a proposal and two years of engagement before marrying. I may be crucified for saying this but I also think you should live together for a bit before marrying. I didn't use to feel this way but age has brought me wisdom and I have learned you really don't know someone until you have shared living space with them, not just an occasional weekend, but six months or so.
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post #9 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:29 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

My first husband and I were together for about a year before he proposed. We did not marry until 4 years later, as I was completing college.

My second husband proposed a year after we dated. We actually proposed together to each other on the 1 year anniversary after meeting. Originally, we were set to marry a year after the proposal, but we knew we wanted to be married sooner, so we bumped the wedding up 6 months, had a simple ceremony, and kept the original date as a celebration party.

My best girlfriend has been in a relationship for 2 years longer than us, not been proposed to yet. Would be the second marriage for her and her bf, as well. I know she was once jealous, but she and I have worked together on her jealousy over other matters. She used to compare herself to others all the time, now she looks at only herself. I know she's happy and has a good life with her man. She's decided to let the hope of engagement go for now and enjoy the relationship.

My personal opinion is that if both parties lead honest lives when dating, you'll know in 1 year if you want to get engaged. Stay engaged for one more year and see how that year goes, then if all is well still, get married.

A 5 year wait is personally too long for me. If it takes 5 years for a man to vet me well enough, he can't be decisive. I say that because I lay it all on the table from the start. Odo knew what he was getting the moment we were exclusive, as did I. Then I showed him consistently for 2 years that I was that person. I'm still that person. It took him less than a year to know what he wanted but to be fair to us both I asked him to give the relationship the year we deserved to experience first.

I think many women believe 2-3 years is ample time to know someone, provided they're being honest.

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post #10 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:26 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

In my experience, if someone is being intentionally deceptive, any amount of time won't be long enough. My ex-husband and I dated for 5+ years before we married. He still turned out to be a serial cheater.

I think that if the intent is actually to marry, it seems a bit silly to intentionally wait five years to get engaged. Asking someone to give you five years of their life on the off chance you may decide you'd like to marry them after all just starts to feel like commitment issues, or like you're perhaps stalling to see if something better comes along. If it really takes half a decade to figure out whether or not your partner is the one for you, then one or both of you is doing it wrong. I think it you want to be married to your partner, 2-3 years of exclusive dating - preferably with at least a few months of living together - is probably reasonable for getting engaged.

If marriage isn't your goal, just be honest and find a partner who agrees. There are people, like me, who just aren't particularly concerned about ever remarrying. If we decide at some point that we'd like to marry, that would be great. If we decide we'd rather not bother with it, then that's just fine with me as well. But it's a discussion that needs to be had in order to ensure that everyone is on-board with the life-plan. I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding that a serious difference in preferred timelines is a deal breaker. It's not that it's right or wrong to want to wait 5+ years, but that both partners need to be in agreement on it.


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post #11 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

Time is subjective. I truly believe that you just know when it's right regardless of if 1 year has passed or five.

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and we both know we will be getting married in the foreseeable future.

As an aside, my parents met in a bar one night. They went home together that very night (no, not smart) and haven't been apart since. They were married within 3 months and are still going strong today, 36 years later. I just like telling their little story because love stories like that don't happen often.
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post #12 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

For me, I'd say never unless I met a woman that checked 100% of my boxes. I think that a proposal will usually take longer for a second marriage simply because naivety has been replaced with life experience, and that makes people a bit more hesitant. I'd be interested in making a population based graph on how long it took for a guy to propose for the first marriage vs. how long for the second marriage. I bet that in general it will take couple years longer than it took the first time for him to ask a woman.
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post #13 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

I don't really think it's a timeline thing or something that could be put on a timeline. Marriage is just plain a bad idea for men the way that divorce laws are these days.

Times have changed and people really aren't after the traditional marriage situation anymore with the 2.5 kids and the house in the suburbs with the white picket fence. Marriages are designed to place all responsibility on men and if they fail to have the marriage end assuring the women are taken care of while men get none of those assurances and if they are poor afterward, that's fine and dandy. Thankfully, men are starting to realize this and put off or not consider marriage. The concept of traditional marriage today is broken. If it were such a great thing why does it fail more than half the time? It's definitely better for men to not marry and be able to leave the relationship without having to go broke.

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post #14 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

We were together about 5 months before I moved in with her and then I think it was about 3 months after that that I proposed. We were engaged for a little over a year before we got married. She was finishing college and we didn't want the wedding to interfere with school. A lot of people had said that things went quick but it all just felt right. I think if we ever get divorced I don't know if I'd ever remarry. A lot has happened in the last 2-3 years that's opened my eyes to a lot, some good and some bad. I think if I were to ever remarry it would need to be a perfect situation. I'm not saying no arguments, fights or disagreements, it would be more about how those things are dealt with. My wife and I now do get along very well, most of the time. But when we get in arguments we both handle the resolution part of it horribly, lol. I've made a lot of effort and progress over the last year of how I handle those situations and she has too, but it still always seems to end in a shutdown or withdrawal from one of us for a little while instead of actually resolving the problem. You live and you learn I guess, and you play the hand you're dealt the best you can.
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post #15 of 79 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Ok when should the purposal come

Well it's almost 6 years now and there's no discussion on marriage. There is growing discussion on the seriousness of the relationship however and consensus on a commitment to staying together and eventually raise a family.

I've been averse to marriage for a long time and I'm only now becoming more open to the idea. I can't say that I am absolutely ready to marry this man but I assume many people are not truly 'ready' the first time.
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