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Ok when should the purposal come

8K views 78 replies 33 participants last post by  EasyPartner 
#1 ·
So 2 nights ago was an exceptionally slow night due to some bad weather. So a group of us were having a round robin discussion about marriage purposals.

It was 4 guys and three women all of us had one divorce but were either remarried, living together or engaged. What started this conversation is one of the ladies was just proposed to after 3 years dating. This of course was sore subject to her friend that is in year 4 and not yet engaged. So the subjects came up about timelines..

Across the board all the guys were like 5 years plus before even thinking about purposal. Two of the women were 3 years is along enough and the other was adamant about 18 months no longer.

Since most of us here have had a divorce, and yes I do think that changes things, I would like to pose the same question to a larger Audience to see if their really is a gender issue on this. So how long are you willing to wait or will you wait to consider getting remarried.

For me I decided long ago that I would never marry again until I at least knew a woman for 5 years and lived with her at least 3.
 
#5 ·
Are you talking about yourself or are you super imposing this POV on the rest of the population? I have been divorced but I did not have a failed marriage. I remarried and am extremely happy.

As for the OP IMHO 5 years seems a reasonable time frame for the actual proposal and marriage. About the 2 or so year mark to start having the discussion on whether or not marriage is in the couples future.
 
#4 · (Edited)
With first XW, about 16 months!

And with my RSXW, and with all of her incessant prodding, it took about 6 months!

But please take note that that short of an engagement will damned well never happen to Ol' Arb ever again! Let's just say that I'd much rather have an inflamed hemorrhoid excised, sans Novocain or anesthesia, with a rusty pruning fork!
 
#6 ·
I proposed 3 weeks after we met. Married for over 44 years and still going. I was engaged for one year with my ex-fiancee before she cheated. I like the BandAid proposal. Do it quickly and get it over with. :)

Actually I think time is not as important as how well you know each other. You also need to know if you are sexually compatible or end up like so many others complaining about their lack of sex or kind of sex. My wife and I just felt it immediately and after taking her virginity I knew she was for me. She was not the classic virgin. She did everything else but intercourse and that everything else was great to make up for the lack of PIV. When PIV was added. It was great and I was right.
 
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#7 ·
I seperated in 01/2016, divorced 06/2016. Started dating the girl in 02/2016 and proposed 02/2017. Meh, you know within a few months if she is someone that you want to wake up next to every day for the rest of your life. If it doesn't work out, I'll find someone else. But hopefully it continues. Buying a house and living together next month and will get married end of the year.
 
#8 ·
At the age of 56 words like girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancee, proposal, all seem kind of silly to me so at this point in my life there probably will never be another proposal or another engagement. For the youngsters out there I would say a minimum of one year of serious dating before a proposal and two years of engagement before marrying. I may be crucified for saying this but I also think you should live together for a bit before marrying. I didn't use to feel this way but age has brought me wisdom and I have learned you really don't know someone until you have shared living space with them, not just an occasional weekend, but six months or so.
 
#9 ·
My first husband and I were together for about a year before he proposed. We did not marry until 4 years later, as I was completing college.

My second husband proposed a year after we dated. We actually proposed together to each other on the 1 year anniversary after meeting. Originally, we were set to marry a year after the proposal, but we knew we wanted to be married sooner, so we bumped the wedding up 6 months, had a simple ceremony, and kept the original date as a celebration party.

My best girlfriend has been in a relationship for 2 years longer than us, not been proposed to yet. Would be the second marriage for her and her bf, as well. I know she was once jealous, but she and I have worked together on her jealousy over other matters. She used to compare herself to others all the time, now she looks at only herself. I know she's happy and has a good life with her man. She's decided to let the hope of engagement go for now and enjoy the relationship.

My personal opinion is that if both parties lead honest lives when dating, you'll know in 1 year if you want to get engaged. Stay engaged for one more year and see how that year goes, then if all is well still, get married.

A 5 year wait is personally too long for me. If it takes 5 years for a man to vet me well enough, he can't be decisive. I say that because I lay it all on the table from the start. Odo knew what he was getting the moment we were exclusive, as did I. Then I showed him consistently for 2 years that I was that person. I'm still that person. It took him less than a year to know what he wanted but to be fair to us both I asked him to give the relationship the year we deserved to experience first.

I think many women believe 2-3 years is ample time to know someone, provided they're being honest.

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#10 ·
In my experience, if someone is being intentionally deceptive, any amount of time won't be long enough. My ex-husband and I dated for 5+ years before we married. He still turned out to be a serial cheater.

I think that if the intent is actually to marry, it seems a bit silly to intentionally wait five years to get engaged. Asking someone to give you five years of their life on the off chance you may decide you'd like to marry them after all just starts to feel like commitment issues, or like you're perhaps stalling to see if something better comes along. If it really takes half a decade to figure out whether or not your partner is the one for you, then one or both of you is doing it wrong. I think it you want to be married to your partner, 2-3 years of exclusive dating - preferably with at least a few months of living together - is probably reasonable for getting engaged.

If marriage isn't your goal, just be honest and find a partner who agrees. There are people, like me, who just aren't particularly concerned about ever remarrying. If we decide at some point that we'd like to marry, that would be great. If we decide we'd rather not bother with it, then that's just fine with me as well. But it's a discussion that needs to be had in order to ensure that everyone is on-board with the life-plan. I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding that a serious difference in preferred timelines is a deal breaker. It's not that it's right or wrong to want to wait 5+ years, but that both partners need to be in agreement on it.
 
#11 ·
Time is subjective. I truly believe that you just know when it's right regardless of if 1 year has passed or five.

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and we both know we will be getting married in the foreseeable future.

As an aside, my parents met in a bar one night. They went home together that very night (no, not smart) and haven't been apart since. They were married within 3 months and are still going strong today, 36 years later. I just like telling their little story because love stories like that don't happen often.
 
#12 ·
For me, I'd say never unless I met a woman that checked 100% of my boxes. I think that a proposal will usually take longer for a second marriage simply because naivety has been replaced with life experience, and that makes people a bit more hesitant. I'd be interested in making a population based graph on how long it took for a guy to propose for the first marriage vs. how long for the second marriage. I bet that in general it will take couple years longer than it took the first time for him to ask a woman.
 
#13 ·
I don't really think it's a timeline thing or something that could be put on a timeline. Marriage is just plain a bad idea for men the way that divorce laws are these days.

Times have changed and people really aren't after the traditional marriage situation anymore with the 2.5 kids and the house in the suburbs with the white picket fence. Marriages are designed to place all responsibility on men and if they fail to have the marriage end assuring the women are taken care of while men get none of those assurances and if they are poor afterward, that's fine and dandy. Thankfully, men are starting to realize this and put off or not consider marriage. The concept of traditional marriage today is broken. If it were such a great thing why does it fail more than half the time? It's definitely better for men to not marry and be able to leave the relationship without having to go broke.
 
#14 ·
We were together about 5 months before I moved in with her and then I think it was about 3 months after that that I proposed. We were engaged for a little over a year before we got married. She was finishing college and we didn't want the wedding to interfere with school. A lot of people had said that things went quick but it all just felt right. I think if we ever get divorced I don't know if I'd ever remarry. A lot has happened in the last 2-3 years that's opened my eyes to a lot, some good and some bad. I think if I were to ever remarry it would need to be a perfect situation. I'm not saying no arguments, fights or disagreements, it would be more about how those things are dealt with. My wife and I now do get along very well, most of the time. But when we get in arguments we both handle the resolution part of it horribly, lol. I've made a lot of effort and progress over the last year of how I handle those situations and she has too, but it still always seems to end in a shutdown or withdrawal from one of us for a little while instead of actually resolving the problem. You live and you learn I guess, and you play the hand you're dealt the best you can.
 
#15 ·
Well it's almost 6 years now and there's no discussion on marriage. There is growing discussion on the seriousness of the relationship however and consensus on a commitment to staying together and eventually raise a family.

I've been averse to marriage for a long time and I'm only now becoming more open to the idea. I can't say that I am absolutely ready to marry this man but I assume many people are not truly 'ready' the first time.
 
#16 ·
Due to what happened to me recently, I think it's wise to date a couple of years and give time for the honeymoon period to lessen and get the rise colored glasses off.

I'm unmarried after the two years, still love her like I did two months into the relationship, and it's likely that we will break up for good--- are now, although we were engaged and in two months of married when things went downhill.

It takes a while to really know someone. I dated my ex wife for 4 years before marrying. Anything over two years is a waste to me. Just get married. There's never a guarantee that things won't go south, no matter how careful one is. Life and people just can't be planned. Things just happen.
 
#17 ·
For me I decided long ago that I would never marry again until I at least knew a woman for 5 years and lived with her at least 3.
There's nothing wrong with this, as long as the women you date for a while know about it. What isn't fair is to date someone for 4.5 years and never tell them that you have this timeline for yourself going on.

If my marriage broke up I don't think I'd marry again. I might do something like a commitment ceremony on a private beach somewhere just between the two of us, but not a full blown wedding. Those are for young people.
 
#18 ·
Well it's more of a minimum in my mind to consider marriage not to get married. But I get what you're saying. I never promise to anyone, except once, that if they were patient enough a marriage would result. Right now marriage is really not on my priority list. But I am aware enough to know I should never say never .... didn't think I would be divorced either. We never know where life will take us
 
#23 ·
I knew my XW 18 months prior to. M roughly two years after met. It's a mixed bag for everyone and age plays a huge part. Also does how many previous D, age of kids, state of affairs with their XW / XH.

Some may wait longer if kids are within a year or two from leaving for college. Most will certainly weigh in the balance of assets. If one has an 8:1 ratio in assets and the "1" is pushing engagement / M. the "8" will have cause for alarm.
 
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#26 ·
I think it depends on where you both want the relationship to go. At my age (over 50) if I was out there again I would not be in a hurry to marry and would not be worried about that as long as we were both happy in the relationship. But if I decided getting married again was my goal, I definitely would not give some guy 5 years to test me out. And I don't think I will EVER live with someone outside of marriage again. Too many down sides for the woman.

I think a good year of dating followed by a year long engagement would be about right for me if we're both adults and both want to end up married again.

For your friends, it sounds like the girls know they want marriage and the guys are ambivalent. Those girls would probably wise to look for someone who shares their goal of wanting marriage and use what they learned about themselves and relationships from their divorce to find a better match this time. Pushing a reluctant person to marry you does not end well. Just ask @arbitrator!

If a guy is still hesitant to marry 3,4,5 years in -- he's just not that into you.
 
#28 ·
I think it depends on where you both want the relationship to go. At my age (over 50) if I was out there again I would not be in a hurry to marry and would not be worried about that as long as we were both happy in the relationship. But if I decided getting married again was my goal, I definitely would not give some guy 5 years to test me out. And I don't think I will EVER live with someone outside of marriage again. Too many down sides for the woman.

I think a good year of dating followed by a year long engagement would be about right for me if we're both adults and both want to end up married again.

For your friends, it sounds like the girls know they want marriage and the guys are ambivalent. Those girls would probably wise to look for someone who shares their goal of wanting marriage and use what they learned about themselves and relationships from their divorce to find a better match this time. Pushing a reluctant person to marry you does not end well. Just ask @arbitrator!

If a guy is still hesitant to marry 3,4,5 years in -- he's just not that into you.
Couldn't disagree more. Being into someone doesn't mean anything when you want a focus on a relationship and not a wedding. Anyone who values a relationship it shouldn't matter timelines. I had a relationship where she was pushing for marriage and honestly if she would have calmed down about that and focused more on us I would have been married to her by now. I was not ambivalent at all but her focusing on getting married vs a stable healthy relationship told me she was more interested in a status than me. Finally it caused us to breakup because I wasn't moving fast enough for her. Three months later, no it's not a typo, she married the next guy who came along, got what she wanted and got married for a second time before turning 30.


She is divorced now again for the second time And Regrets of breaking it of with me and not giving it more time I'm told. As she should because I was very serious about her just not her one sided timeline .

For many after divorce it's not ambivalence it's just a desire to focus on relationships and not status.
 
#35 ·
The 2 year mark sounds about right for those interested in remarriage. That's enough time to decide whether or not you like the other person enough to marry.

IMO, if someone says they are open to marriage but are hesitant to commit to a person they truly love, then that's a red flag. To me it says they fear a repeat of their previous relationship which tells me that they haven't worked through their issues coming out of divorce.

Personally, I won't say I will never remarry but I will say that I will never co-habitat without marriage. I'll only play house with someone who is legally my husband.
 
#37 ·
Most people are very against M.... after they D. Completely normal. I always had the two year mark

myself. Within the first two, all the skeletons come out, as do the bandages fall, if there are any.

I've only lived with two females, the XW and the post-D girl. Living with post-D girl did allow

me to see her true flaws. After a year in, I was talking to an old TAM vet and he predicted she will

have a meltdown in roughly another year. He missed it by one month.

One positive thing you can see from second M is neither will stay in the M even if they are miserable.

They've been down that road. The main reason for living together is for people to make sure they

are not given the "bait n switch." -My Tommy is a good man, he may have a drink once in awhile.-

Then after M, she finds out he drinks every day... and not just a glass of wine at meals.

-We have sex all the time, she takes care of herself, works out 5x a week, cooks 4-5x a week-

Then after M, she quits the gym, gets a Marcy Darcy chili bowl, sees sex as a chore, and you know

the Chinese deliver guy on a first name basis and what classes he is taking that semester.
 
#39 ·
At middle age, I would say about a year or two, but not more than that.

I probably will never marry again, but I would like to jinx that and I should of never said never.>:)

Move in with someone without being married is not for me. Heck, maybe not even if I get married again would I move in with someone. I like my space, I don't want to share either side of my bed for too long either.

The older I get the more territorial I become!:surprise:
 
#68 ·
At middle age, I would say about a year or two, but not more than that.

I probably will never marry again, but I would like to jinx that and I should of never said never.


Move in with someone without being married is not for me. Heck, maybe not even if I get married again would I move in with someone. I like my space, I don't want to share either side of my bed for too long either.

The older I get the more territorial I become!
Same here. I've been divorced 6 years, I'm 49, and I don't see myself ever getting married again. The longer I'm single, the more I enjoy my space.
 
#41 ·
@WorkingWife summed how I also feel rather nicely. Many women I know (including myself) have clung to a man that is not going to budge in one respect or another. I'm not even saying that's a bad thing on his part, it's just his choice to live life that way. It's an incompatibility.

As a woman who lost many good years because of a wrong choice she made (choosing a man way over her own happiness) it is my mission to not watch another woman do what I did without at least trying to tell her to move on and find a man with similar desires. It's just such a gamble when your time is the most precious thing you have.

Life's not fair and you should aim to live by your choices, without bitterness. The best way you can do this is to choose wisely
 
#43 ·
Certainly a perspective I'm just pointing out sometimes that advice is short sighted. Women can have their timelines but men get theirs as well and also valid. Besides you talk about wasted years but they made you who you are and met odo. All things have a way of working out in the end wouldn't you say?
 
#44 ·
My first marriage we were kids (19) and dated for 7 months, engaged for 5 months. We did not live together before marriage. We were married 20 years.

When I started dating my current hubby he had never been married and was in his early 40's. On our first date I asked him if he would ever consider getting married. He said "yes". Later the next week I remember him saying he doesn't think marriage is necessary, it is "just a piece of paper". During both of these conversations which were very, very early in our relationship I spoke up and said how I felt on the matter - I feel like I was created to be a wife and a mom. I love marriage and what it stands for and believe strongly it was the right thing for me to do. I also let him know it was absolutely what I was looking for in a relationship just so he know what I was expecting out of our time together.

So my current hubby, proposed after we had been dating and living together for 7 months and we married at 9 months. And we are both super happy with our choices and time frame. It was what worked for us. Everyone else has to find what works for them :)
 
#48 ·
Interesting discussion. Once again there are distinct schools of thought. Seems most men (especially divorced ones) decide marriage is not a desired outcome and are more than willing to wait. Most women want marriage and are unwilling to wait. I would be curious to know how those outcomes would change if divorce and custody laws were different.
 
#56 ·
Can only speak for myself but if it wasn't such a huge gamble I wouldn't be nearly as cautious about remarriage. I would only have to focus on the fear of letting my guard down again emotionally which is a chance but in life worth taking in my opinion. But as it stands now I gamble my future and my kids future financial stability by choosing a wrong partner again. Only difference this time would be that it's an increased gamble because whoever I divorced from the next time would have no problems seeing my kids visit me in a cardboard box, least my x didn't want her kids doing that.
 
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