how does one find someone new? - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:30 AM Thread Starter
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how does one find someone new?

I am in the middle of a separation. And although I won't actually be dating anytime soon, I am beginning to wonder what it takes.
I am a south asian man in my mid 30s with a little pre-schooler. I live in north california.

Just wondering, what do men do in my situation. I have never quite approached women, and I am not sure how I would go about it and where. I am assuming its going to be hard to find someone interested in me.

Is there anything I should be doing that will help my chances in the long run?

I am short, and I suppose that could be an issue as well. I am outgoing, and I think, I am interesting. But its been a while since I dated, so , actually, I have no clue whether I would be appealing to women.

Any thoughts?

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post #2 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:50 AM
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Re: how does one find someone new?

Nothing you have described here is anything that most women would find unappealing.
Perhaps set up a dating profile on somewhere like POF.com
That allows you to say your height, body type, if you have children and/or want/don't want children etc.
You can also post some nice pictures of yourself.

IF they are looking for a tall man, they won't contact you or reply. Same goes for if they are looking for a man without kids.
Or I imagine if they are not attracted to Asian men etc.

You will just have to put yourself out there a bit, and be cautious about scammers on dating sites too. Don't post pictures of your child. Use common sense.

If you are not super picky (she has to be model beautiful, no kids, great job etc) then I think you will have a very good chance of starting to date as soon as you are ready. I wish you success. I met my DH on that site, and I was also brand new to dating, and dating online. There are great people out there looking for love!

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post #3 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:23 AM
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Re: how does one find someone new?

Do you have many friends who you do things with? You might want to start by building up your social circle.

There is a good website, meetup.com, that has all kinds of meetups that you could join. Here where I live there are meetups for all kinds of things like kayaking, hiking, walking groups, divorced dad, cooking groups, book clubs... well there are hundreds of them so I cannot list them all. But the idea is that you find things that are interesting to you and you just go. There you will meet both men and women who enjoy the same things you do. It's a good way to start getting out with people without the pressure.

There is another group, Parents Without Partners. They have a chapters all over the country. I know my ex (son's father) joined after we divorced. He ended up marrying a woman he met there.

Basically you get busy doing things you enjoy, and things with your child. And you just might meet someone. If not at least you are enjoying your life.

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post #4 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: how does one find someone new?

First of all, take some time to self reflect and try to figure out why your marriage failed and how you can improve as a person so that future relationships go better. Then decide what type of man you want to be and become that man. Basically, learn to be the best version of yourself you can and you'll do much better dating.

To meet women you need to get comfortable with approaching them and talking with them, and get to the point that rejection doesn't bother you (reach the mindset that you'd rather approach and be rejected then to waste your time not knowing whether you have a chance with them). Also, make it a point to talk to women everywhere, of all ages, and all levels of attractiveness so that you become comfortable chatting with a stranger. After that you can and will meet women everywhere.

A more direct approach is to have your friends set you up or pick women up online (good quality women are few and far between on the internet, but they exist).

You'll also need to try to change your mindset that it's going to be hard to find someone interested in you. That is not attractive thinking and it's unlikely to get you a great woman. Instead be proud of your good qualities and work on your bad ones. Remember, everyone has baggage and no one is perfect. You don't need to be perfect, instead you just need to be compatible with your partner and be able to develop a good relationship with them.

Good luck!
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post #5 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: how does one find someone new?

The first "new" person you need to meet is YOU. Once you come to know and love that person (YOU) you will find that meeting someone else is effortless.They will come to you. You will attract them naturally based on who you are, what you do, what you want etc. IOW they will share similar ideals and interests. Do not worry about find someone else, first find your self.
One of the great things about a divorce or a break up is that now you have a chance to fix anything that is broken and become a more real and authentic version of you. Most times we do not realize just how flawed we truly are. We think because we have found someone who accepts us, that we must be OK. But the reality is that most of those who accept us as we were are equally flawed to begin with. More often than not the resulting relationship is destined to fail as the flaws grow to become full scale chasms. But now you have a chance to become a better version of your self. Don't seek to rebuild, seek to become better.

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post #6 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: how does one find someone new?

Three of my divorced friends signed up for one of the popular online dating services. All three met people that they married and are still married to, even though one or both of them had children. What is good about the dating websites is that people know upfront that you have a kid and your status. If you go out to bars and clubs you can end up spending the evening with someone who does not want to date a guy with a kid or who is divorced, etc.. Dating online puts it all there for the women to see so those that contact you are OK with your situation. There are even women who cannot have kids who would be interested in you.

Plus my guy friends said that they were having a lot of sex with the women they met on dating sites because like you, it had been a long time without it. I do not know anyone who has not succeeded using an online dating site although I am sure there are those who have not had luck. I think it is the best way to get back up on the horse.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #7 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:18 PM
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Re: how does one find someone new?

One thing: PATIENCE

Don't fall for the first person that comes along. Don't be afraid to lose a woman. Don't get too attached. IF you find one you really like, don't ever let them know that you like them enough that you couldn't stand to lose them. EVER. AT that moment, they will start using you as their doormat.
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post #8 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: how does one find someone new?

Quote:
Originally Posted by need_help_to_recover View Post
Is there anything I should be doing that will help my chances in the long run?

I am short, and I suppose that could be an issue as well. I am outgoing, and I think, I am interesting. But its been a while since I dated, so , actually, I have no clue whether I would be appealing to women.

Any thoughts?
I'm tall and on-line dating did not work for me. In fact, my lack of success on POF temporarily damaged my self-confidence.

I was much more successful off-line for some reason.

I have two suggestions. First, hang out with people who share your hobbies or interests. Second, Meetup has some pretty good groups. The first couple of times are awkward, but eventually you become part of the group.

I also suggest that you have a very open mind about which type of women you would like to date. At a large Chinese New Year gathering in my city, I noticed a few couples in which the man was east Asian and the woman was either white or black. Many women reportedly prefer taller men, but there are also quite a few women who are taller and very much in love with their shorter husbands.
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post #9 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: how does one find someone new?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
I do not know anyone who has not succeeded using an online dating site although I am sure there are those who have not had luck.
Hi, I'm Steve. Nice to meet you!
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post #10 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: how does one find someone new?

Wow! That is a lot of sincere and thoughtful advice.

I am working on myself. And there is a lot to work on. Body. Mind. Soul. It has given me some joy to know that I want to be better. A better man.

Yes, I was and am deeply flawed, but I suppose, I want to improve, be happier.

I have been working out religiously. Lost 20 lbs. Training to climb a mountain.
I am trying to be social. Learning to connect and talk to people. Trying to make new friends.
Trying to get into the music scene. Maybe even take a few dance classes.

I am picky. But learning not to be. I probably pick women based on my hormones. I will likely want to take 6months to a year, to rebuild my confidence and joy in doing things for myself. be excited about life. I lost that a long time ago.

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post #11 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:11 PM
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Re: how does one find someone new?

I think most of us pick mates based on our hormones... that's what gets us in trouble.

Just to get an idea... how tall are you?

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post #12 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: how does one find someone new?

You need to mingle with other S.E. Asians.

Where? Be a regular at the plethora of Asian Restaurants and Asian food stores in your state, from Chinese, to Thai, to Vietnamese, to Burmese, to Indonesian. When in these places "casually" mention that you are not married. Ask them about Asian get togethers and events.

Whatever your HOO,"Home Of Origin" is, Google "it" and then add your "State" to the query. Two words. You will be amazed at all the hits this will deliver.

Some Mexican women are short, also.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #13 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: how does one find someone new?

I am 5'4" - 5'5" somewhere there.
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post #14 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: how does one find someone new?

for disclosure, I am at three months into my separation. And our divorce is probably a year or so out.
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post #15 of 48 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:31 PM
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Avoid OLD (online dating). My experience is that it's a cesspool and it's heavily skewed in women's favor. I'm 5'8" and lost count of the number of profiles I encountered that said "Don't bother if you're at least 5'10"."

However, I've had outstanding luck with meeting women in real life. I just live my life and do my thing, and new people have a way of coming into your life simply by living it. My lack of tallness hasn't been a deterrent at all in the real world, only on OLD.

I also have a 9 year old daughter, and that hasn't been a deterrent for me whatsoever. In fact, most of the women I've encountered totally dig a good dad.

Don't be hasty about jumping into the dating pool, though. Taking time off from dating after my divorce and learning how to be comfortable alone was invaluable to me.

After a few years, a couple failed relationship, and a few sexual partners, I met my GF who is without a doubt one of the best human beings I've ever met. Someday she'll be my wife, without a doubt.

But it's okay to take your time getting there. No rush at all.
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