Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: In Texas
| | Wake up and Surprise.. youre here.
I think the last several months have been survival mode. You know, not a whole lot of contemplation, just trying to wisk thru and put out the fires as you go..
With so much having happened in such a short amount of time, and of course, not having much of a say in it all, that so directly affects my life to the core, it can be quite an unsettling moment, when you have a second to stop and observe all thats happened and resulted in "this" where I am right now..
I woke up Saturday morning, and wasnt in a bad mood or anything, but just sort of looked around my bedroom, my house, to which I guess I havent quite gotten used to yet and thought to myself, "damn, here I am,, how did I get here??".
Something as disruptive in every area as a divorce, kind of puts you in "blind active" mode. Gotta get away, gotta get a house, gotta get food, get moved in, get prepared for when the kid is with me,,, it feels like a hurricane hit and I had to evacuate with what I could lay my hands on, on the way out without any time to think, just go!!
So now, the storm has passed, the dust has settled and its a moment of clarity that you look back on the past few months remembering so little in the heat of it all, suddenly you are all moved into a new house, into a new life, and not only do I feel unprepared and without any goals at all, its also like I am picking thru the ruins trying to find pieces of myself, whomever I was a long time ago before I devoted myself to changing into husband/father/employee Mr. Ward Cleaver..
It IS kind of exciting. Still finding myself having to force myself to not think about the ex or what shes doing or worry about things that as a husband was my place to worry about. Thats all I had for the past several years. That personna, that "lifes duty". Now, I still have the "father" parenting part of it, and sometimes it clouds the line between total seperation from the ex, and being able to not concern myself with the old worries and duties.
Man, if you had asked me where I thought I would be 2 years ago, I would have NEVER EVER guessed I'd be divorced and into a different house and be at whatever one would call "that part" of a persons life again.
And thats kind of what I am talking about here. When the dust settles and you really get that moment to exhale and just take it all in. That "you are HERE" moment, where the day is not lost to the blur of attempting to put out a fire in your life.
So Saturday morning I had that moment. That "here I am", moment. "Now What", was what I thought next.
And "Now What" consisted of casually walking downstairs, making some coffee, eggs, bacon, hashbrowns; turning on the tv and watching some cartoons with the kiddo. You know what noticed was missing?
A sense of urgency to be doing something that someone else wanted me to do or wanted to do themselves with me in tow.
Not having to wake up to a "daily to -do" list..
Not having the whole day planned in advance becuase of someone else's goals and considerations of what is most important.
Hell, I figured why not celebrate, and splashed a bit of Seagrams into my coffee..
His delay, is not a denial.