It's very weird to me. Nothing in my life changed really for the first year. I still had all my kids....the same responsibilities, the same job, the same church, the same car, the same house......I was just alone. Now I have moved, and I am going to school. My surroundings are totally different, but really life is the same.....I am just alone.
In most ways I still feel resentful about most of it. I still stand strong and am the best mother I can be to these children. He, on the other hand....walked away from all the responsibility of life. He has a gf and seems perfectly happy. I am still the backbone for everyone...without the joys that came with being married....having your best friend beside you to share the ups and downs....making love to the one you love....the companionship. But I know what I miss was the good times....obviously I don't miss the lying and cheating at all. I miss what I thought we had....not what it turned out that we had. :\
I can't imagine my 24 and 22 year old sons feeling good about either of us dating or marrying someone else. I got the word a year ago, he left in April and our first court date is coming up. SO, more than a year since anything that looks like dating or sex. I am finding lots of things to do, accomplishing some things in all my spare time not taking care of anyone, but I am soooo lonely all the time.
I would hope that at their ages, they would want to see you happy. And that they would be mature enough to accept that you are moving on - as long as they approved of the person you were dating.
It's very weird to me. Nothing in my life changed really for the first year. I still had all my kids....the same responsibilities, the same job, the same church, the same car, the same house......I was just alone. Now I have moved, and I am going to school. My surroundings are totally different, but really life is the same.....I am just alone.
In most ways I still feel resentful about most of it. I still stand strong and am the best mother I can be to these children. He, on the other hand....walked away from all the responsibility of life. He has a gf and seems perfectly happy. I am still the backbone for everyone...without the joys that came with being married....having your best friend beside you to share the ups and downs....making love to the one you love....the companionship. But I know what I miss was the good times....obviously I don't miss the lying and cheating at all. I miss what I thought we had....not what it turned out that we had. :\
So - even with different surroundings you still basically feel the same?
I'm keeping the house. Some days I wonder if doing so was a mistake. It provides the kids with some stability - but some days I think a change of scenery would be good.
I think my main point was that when you have younger kids that are very dependent on you.....especially when the other parent isn't really involved....life just goes on....there are still dishes, laundry, homework, bath, and bedtime. As the only parent of a large family I have not been able to start new hobbies and rediscover who I am like so many people on here talk about. I did start school and that has been a blessing and a challenge. But the needs of my kids have not changed so my life just carries on without the benefits and/or some of the stresses of the marriage.
@ niceguy....as for the house......I stayed in the same house for a long time. I would have continued to be there if I didn't choose to move to go to school. I see no problem with it. It was my home....with or without my spouse. I loved my house.. SO if you like where you live and have no reasons to change houses....stay and enjoy it. If I had the funds,.....I def would have redecorated! lol I did buy new bedding....made my room very feminine.....and I liked having those little changes.
It's very weird to me. Nothing in my life changed really for the first year. I still had all my kids....the same responsibilities, the same job, the same church, the same car, the same house......I was just alone. Now I have moved, and I am going to school. My surroundings are totally different, but really life is the same.....I am just alone.
In most ways I still feel resentful about most of it. I still stand strong and am the best mother I can be to these children. He, on the other hand....walked away from all the responsibility of life. He has a gf and seems perfectly happy. I am still the backbone for everyone...without the joys that came with being married....having your best friend beside you to share the ups and downs....making love to the one you love....the companionship. But I know what I miss was the good times....obviously I don't miss the lying and cheating at all. I miss what I thought we had....not what it turned out that we had. :\
I could not have said it better, my situation exactly. But what is even more sad is what I've learned this past year is from the research I've done. The fact that "Love" is just a chemical switch for most people, what you thought was forever disappeared because of changes in hormones in your spouse.
At 57 the idea of finding a "Soul mate" seems like a fantasy compared to when I was 32. I took my vows very seriuosly, id on't think I could utter them again....
I could not have said it better, my situation exactly. But what is even more sad is what I've learned this past year is from the research I've done. The fact that "Love" is just a chemical switch for most people, what you thought was forever disappeared because of changes in hormones in your spouse.
At 57 the idea of finding a "Soul mate" seems like a fantasy compared to when I was 32. I took my vows very seriuosly, id on't think I could utter them again....
Doesn't sound so wonderful at 39 either!
Still - there are things I miss - and there are those "practical" reasons to do it again.
My divorce was final last June, and I've been living in an apartment ever since. I am used to being alone most of the time, but it is still difficult. I was the one who wanted the divorce, and I don't miss being married to him at all, but I am very lonely. I don't want to rush into a relationship, but at age 34 with no kids, I really think that kids may not be in the cards for me. I do not want to have a baby when I'm 40, so my time is very limited, and that is really upsetting to me. That's the hardest part about this divorce for me. Maybe I won't meet someone in time to have a family. I have no desire to have a baby on my own. I want to be married and have kids with a spouse who I am in love with.
I also really miss sex and intimacy, and it's starting to drive me nuts. I just can't go out and sleep with someone though. I've never been that type of person.
My divorce was final last June, and I've been living in an apartment ever since. I am used to being alone most of the time, but it is still difficult. I was the one who wanted the divorce, and I don't miss being married to him at all, but I am very lonely. I don't want to rush into a relationship, but at age 34 with no kids, I really think that kids may not be in the cards for me. I do not want to have a baby when I'm 40, so my time is very limited, and that is really upsetting to me. That's the hardest part about this divorce for me. Maybe I won't meet someone in time to have a family. I have no desire to have a baby on my own. I want to be married and have kids with a spouse who I am in love with.
I also really miss sex and intimacy, and it's starting to drive me nuts. I just can't go out and sleep with someone though. I've never been that type of person.
I hear you on the babymaking part. I am 35, a few years ago after our only child was born my W unilaterally decided to have a tubal ligation. I wasn't too resentful over it, if she didn't want to have another baby I certainly didn't want to inflict one upon us. I would have had the vas except I wasn't ready for myself at that point, and she was certain she was getting tubes tied regardless, so it made it unecessary for me to consider.
Now, I'm divorcing and realize that meeting a woman to make babies with is suddenly a possible option, but to me definitely doesn't seem feasible or reasonable... no way I want to be changing diapers and having sleepness nights in my 40's... I had already accepted only having one child, but a door is opening for me if I want to take it.
To complicate it, the lack of sex and intimacy drove me nuts too, I sought and found an wonderful lady and we both have enjoyed our sexual relationship a lot. However at my age, less than ideal fitness, several years of sexless marriage and permanent emotional scars (rejection and inadequacy) from my failed marriage have contributed to some frustrating performance issues, making condoms a difficult fit (so to speak). While we sometimes use them I've come to depend on fertility awareness and pull-out methods to make sure I don't father another child, it can be a little stressful.
It is really weird to be going through a divorce, having only one child, and now having booked my vasectomy in march. I am so certain I don't want more kids, but no one can predict the future and I hate slamming doors. If I were in a good marriage at this moment and had a capable wife I would be viewing this very point in my timeline as my final opportunity to bring a new life into the world. It will be several years before I can ever see myself at that point in a relationship, and it will be past the point of no return for me. So the responsible thing is to get snipped, even though for many guys at this point it may be the opposite. yes life is weird, moreso after divorce.
My divorce was final last June, and I've been living in an apartment ever since. I am used to being alone most of the time, but it is still difficult. I was the one who wanted the divorce, and I don't miss being married to him at all, but I am very lonely. I don't want to rush into a relationship, but at age 34 with no kids, I really think that kids may not be in the cards for me. I do not want to have a baby when I'm 40, so my time is very limited, and that is really upsetting to me. That's the hardest part about this divorce for me. Maybe I won't meet someone in time to have a family. I have no desire to have a baby on my own. I want to be married and have kids with a spouse who I am in love with.
I also really miss sex and intimacy, and it's starting to drive me nuts. I just can't go out and sleep with someone though. I've never been that type of person.
It's interesting hearing viewpoints for the party that wanted out (Since most on TAM wanted to save their marriage). Thanks for sharing your story.
I think its because so often the wayward one left the marriage for someone else, seems like goincrazy left "cleanly".
I had a choice to make: Have a baby knowing that I would be settling (and have no chance of ever finding true love,) or take a risk of not meeting someone in time to have a family.
My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. We co-existed, rarely had sex (bad sex) that I had to beg for, only celebrated one anniversary, and he hadn't been with me to see my family in almost 4 years. There were good times as well, and he's not a bad person, we just weren't meant for each other. When I started having the urge to cheat on him (never did!), I just had to leave. I'm not that type of person, but I knew that I couldn't settle and ever have a chance of being happy (and having a baby with him would've made things worse). He actually thought that our marriage was just fine and thought I was crazy for wanting to leave. He said that no one is truly happy, and I was living in a fantasy. Guess what? He ran off and got married 3 months after the divorce was final. He met some girl from another country online and flew over there and married her after Skyping with her for a couple of months. I guess I'm the stable one. lol!
I hope that this new year brings some romance for me. I really feel ready to date (since my marriage was pretty much dead long ago).
Life IS weird after divorce, especially if you are the dumpee and not the dumper. I sure as hell didn't sign up for this mess. But life does have a way of moving forward, and what once seemed 'weird' is now the new normal, as someone else said. I've never dealt well with change, and now everything in my life has been turned upside down and inside out. Still navigating the debris, as Lon said.
It's all so weird because as a society we still doesn't talk about the aftermath of divorce. The focus is on two parent homes, when the reality is that is becoming less and less common and more of us are divorced.
In a lot of ways my life got easier (better really) after my divorce, the kids stayed with me so except for no longer having a wife or their mother here at home our lives continued as normal.
The thing that really bothers me though is how different all our lives will be going forward. Never again a family vacation, or even a family dinner or a family talk. Never again will one of my kids say "I love you mom and dad" in the plural sense, everything is singular. Every birthday or holiday is fragmented between different homes, their will be no father/mother dance at the kids weddings. Even the future grand kids are affected, there will be no such thing as going to grandma and grandpas house, it's go to grandpa Dons and then go to Grandma Debbies.
I don't miss my ex wife but I sure as hell miss the future life I had hoped for, so yeh, life after divorce is weird.
In a lot of ways my life got easier (better really) after my divorce, the kids stayed with me so except for no longer having a wife or their mother here at home our lives continued as normal.
The thing that really bothers me though is how different all our lives will be going forward. Never again a family vacation, or even a family dinner or a family talk. Never again will one of my kids say "I love you mom and dad" in the plural sense, everything is singular. Every birthday or holiday is fragmented between different homes, their will be no father/mother dance at the kids weddings. Even the future grand kids are affected, there will be no such thing as going to grandma and grandpas house, it's go to grandpa Dons and then go to Grandma Debbies.
I don't miss my ex wife but I sure as hell miss the future life I had hoped for, so yeh, life after divorce is weird.
Amen...
I don't know why - but I keep picturing a porch with two rocking chairs - even though we never had a porch. But of course - in this vision - I'm sitting alone with the other chair empty. All of those dreams and plans that we had included our spouse.
I "hope" that I can take the kids back to Disney again while they are young enough to enjoy it - but being divorced will make it much harder in so many ways. Even if we didn't always like each other - we were partners. Now - not so much.
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Re: Post Divorce life weird? 
