Isn't post divorce life weird? I've been divorced about a year(she initiated for because "not happy anymore") and I'm a fairly traditional guy. After getting myself "past" the situation as much as I can, I'm starting to think about results, and it seems strange.
I have two preteen children and even though I'm their father, one day, there may be another man living in their house where dad once was with perhaps other kids; that just seems so weird and unnecessary. All this going "back and forth" from mom to dad I'm sure seems weird and stressful to them, whether they act like it or not.
And I just can't get over the fact that their mother and I once vowed "till death do us part," yet that is now down the toilet. It just makes any future relationship seem fake. How could I tell another woman, "I'll love you forever"? It makes that kind of stuff seem so disposable now.
Even if things go well, it still just seems weird. I know a lot of people probably go through this and never bat an eye, but it just seems like divorce creates a bowl of crap that isn't natural.
Even if things go well, it still just seems weird.
southbound ~ I think you may also grasp what I’m about to state. The whole unmarried sex stigma really isn’t fair to those of us who were not seeking a way out of our marriages. We really planned that the last and only person we would be having sex with was the individual we vowed “Till death do us part.”
So now we are divorced, many of us well beyond the cutesy little fairytale dating ages where we do not have baggage and our whole lives still ahead of us. However at almost 40 yrs old, I am still expected to play by those same celibate dating rules. Kiss my butt people!!!
I don’t sleep around and I can actually count the number of men I’ve been with on one hand. I would also like to enjoy sex with a man while I’m still confident enough to take my clothes off in front of him. When you're divorced and have younger kids involved, you take the whole dating/courtship thing a lot slower. At the rate I’m going, I’d be almost 50 yrs old by the time I had sex if I had to wait until I got remarried!
And this is just ONE of the things which seems weird.
Oh boy, Toto, I must be in real trouble, my divorce won't be final until about 4 months from now, I will be 54 when I start my new "single" life. Cannot imagine trying to find a new partner after almost 30 years with my STBXH. I was promised forever as well and he hung on for quite a while, only to leave me when I was 53. Just don't know what the future holds
OK oldies, I am 48, and while my divorce isn't final yet, I have talked (not dated) to at least 5 women my age or younger that are going through divorces as well.
There are many many women and men (good ones as well as bad ones) that are available. You just have to go slow and be patient.
I won't seriously date any woman until a year has gone by since the STBXW left. But I feel great, lost weight, exercise daily, and have an awesome relationship with my 19 and 17 year old kids!
My married couple friends (the guys) are extremely jealous that I get to start anew This is going to be an adventure for sure, and I look forward to my rediscovery of myself!
yes post separation (divorce soon) is a weird place in life I could never have even comprehended being in not even a year ago. It is not exactly a comfortable place but for me I think it is actually a good place to rediscover myself. I have needed to do some things I've never done in order to prevent my life from becoming stagnant and so it seems I have no choice now but to make some new experiences. I've even dated a little, met a woman and had some very enjoyable times with, I think we have ended it since neither of us have called each other up for awhile, I look forward to meeting more women and sharing good experiences together. Also spending more time with buddies doing guy stuff which I also really enjoy getting to do once again... getting to this side of divorce is actually gonna be ok when I can navigate around all the debris it left behind,
I agree with Lon in terms of re-structuring my life. I like to think of it more as uncovering rather than discovering or even recovering! My issue is that I do not really want to be in a new relationship, per se, but rather I want to go through a period where I can have friends of both genders and persuasions and connect to people for who they are, not male or female, but to listen to their experiences and to learn to understand people better without feeding into any co-dependency but a better way of communication that honors past, present and future. I value my personal space and was giving it up, a lot, in my marriage...which was abusive. I can kind of see that I have always kept a part of myself separate but assumed that everyone does this, they keep in touch with their personhood even while in a relationship...but when I did this my H said I was cheating on him with someone else. He didn't seem to understand that people have their own history and future, I suppose that's a sort of control thing. Treating the other as an object. But that led to trust issues and I've discovered there are some people I trust and others I don't and sometimes I need to get it through my head that I can not trust someone and because of the relationship being not very important to begin with (not talking about dating or friendship but just people stuff...) it might not matter if I really trust them...I can afford to trust them in order to test the waters. I find this amazingly clear on the dance floor, some men/women can lead me through moves I learned months ago and thought I'd forgot and I can dance almost like a pro for all appearances...others I dance with even though they are technically correct there's something in me that fails to react or click...and it's awkward or funny but not dancing. It's like subconscious knows something I don't so I'm taking the time to explore those kind of issues, and am not the type to just use people for experiments. I wouldn't want to waste my time on building relationships other than friendships and I certainly wouldn't want to waste other people's time either... I have friends and plan things with them or by chance sometimes but mostly we support each other in our own special stuff. My life has become somewhat ecclectic and I think a marriage or a serious relationship would be a setback for me. I've committed 2 or 3 years to being seriously uncommitted, and that's after divorce is final. I haven't even started counting yet.
A friend of mine said she hopes life gets back to normal in 2012...I responded that I've decided that abnormal is the new normal so 2012 has got off to a spectacular start of 'returning to normal'. The truth is, my life was always exciting for me before, I could take on new projects for work (self-employed) and go to to conferences where I participated and developed user groups and shared knowledge, made friends and networked, got famous for bike-camping at a conference in VT by the lake (LOL) and used valet parking at the hotel for my bike - they wheeled it right into the lobby...had my first child at a diplomatic post...did volunteer driving for Medicaid recipients...took my laptop and my kids and my bike and went to Quebec for an entire summer, travelling along and then settling in for a couple months in a small town on a long bike path...that's my normal life. So if life returns to a 'new' normal, I'll be very very happy. My kids like it better that way too, although we stick to the daily school schedule thing, we have time for their interests and adventures as well.
no those thoughts are'nt weird. I'm almost a year out since we separated and a few months since divorce.
I have an 8 year old daughter and it isn't normal or natural. Marriage vows are not romantic they are contractual oaths that whatever crap happens the couple will stick by each other.
Yes, its a chance to re-discover yourself and be a much better person because of it but it should never have happened. I spent years searching for the right person and starting over might be exciting if I was 21 or there really was plenty of fish in the sea. The realty is far from that! Posted via Mobile Device
Divorce does change you--it changes the way you view relationships, marriage, and "forever."
It is sort of strange to go from married to divorced/single... but one gets used to it.
For me, there was a time I could not fathom NOT being married. Now it's hard to remember what it was like to be a wife everyday. It's like it was someone else's life. Time has something to do with it.
Now, I haven't dated at all since my divorce, nor do I have any desire to. If that time comes, it's going to be a strange/new journey. I am 30 and hope one day I will meet someone again and have a fulfilling/healthy relationship. But I don't actively seek it out.
My divorce has certainly changed me. I don't view marriage (for myself) as I once did nor do I believe in "happily ever after." There is a certain naivite that is gone forever from me because of this experience. I simply don't believe what I used to.
My divorce has certainly changed me. I don't view marriage (for myself) as I once did nor do I believe in "happily ever after." There is a certain naivite that is gone forever from me because of this experience. I simply don't believe what I used to.
Have to agree. Definitely kills some of the romance that was involved.
Sometimes I do think about the practical aspects - sharing expenses, being able to take care of each other, having a live-in Friend with Benefits!! I don't miss my STBXW much - but I DO miss some of the comforts of being with someone.
I am expecting an email anyday now telling me the divorce is final. Where once that was a big disappointment to me...now I am ready for it. I have not dated anyone since d-day (depart) and I am not looking forward to it. I am enjoying time spent with family and friends doing whatever I want when I want an for how long I want ;o) I no longer feel a sense of urgency to get married and hoping that every man is the one. I poured a lot in to my marriage and I don't want to do that again...just in case it doesn't work out. That is too much hurt for one person to bare alone (almost) Life took a good shot at me, but I survived and I am happy for it.
I am expecting an email anyday now telling me the divorce is final. Where once that was a big disappointment to me...now I am ready for it. I have not dated anyone since d-day (depart) and I am not looking forward to it. I am enjoying time spent with family and friends doing whatever I want when I want an for how long I want ;o) I no longer feel a sense of urgency to get married and hoping that every man is the one. I poured a lot in to my marriage and I don't want to do that again...just in case it doesn't work out. That is too much hurt for one person to bare alone (almost) Life took a good shot at me, but I survived and I am happy for it.
Started a new thread in response to your response!
Just thinking - if you never put yourself out there again - its possible you could miss out on something really good too - right?
Although - I also totally get what you are saying! Not sure that being "alone" sounds like the death sentence that other people think is will be.
Started a new thread in response to your response!
Just thinking - if you never put yourself out there again - its possible you could miss out on something really good too - right?
Although - I also totally get what you are saying! Not sure that being "alone" sounds like the death sentence that other people think is will be.
It's not so much about me finding someone else, I'm doing really well being single. I just think it creates a weird life-situation with two people divorcing, possibly getting married to others, and the kids being exposed to it all. It wouldn't matter if I hooked up with a model and lived happily ever after, it still wouldn't change all the weirdness.
I can't imagine my 24 and 22 year old sons feeling good about either of us dating or marrying someone else. I got the word a year ago, he left in April and our first court date is coming up. SO, more than a year since anything that looks like dating or sex. I am finding lots of things to do, accomplishing some things in all my spare time not taking care of anyone, but I am soooo lonely all the time.
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Post Divorce life weird? 
This is going to be an adventure for sure, and I look forward to my rediscovery of myself!
