Had a couple other Thread on here so wanted to link to see if useful for anyone else.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ion/364514-need-advice-reconnecting-wife.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...tion/369834-entering-divorce-proceedings.html
So I signed my Divorce papers 6 days ago and drove straight to Vegas and partied for 3 days before flying out on a couple of work trips and finally made oit home last night so feeling exhausted but in decent spirits. My XW has left the State with the kids for 4 weeks almost so have a lot of time to find a new routine and figure things out.
Joined a couple online dating sites not really to find a relationship but more to just test out the dating scene and build some confidence up again since that has taken quite a hit and obviously be nice to have company from time to time. I did read on another post about people wanting to set you up when they know you have been cheated on and I can agree I have had a bunch of girls asking if I want setting up with friends but I'm not in a place for that just yet.
The process of finalizing the final settlement agreement was so stressful that once I finally signed it was almost a huge relief, it was also a little sad but its done and its over so I didn't think about anything in the past.
I want to try and keep this positive so going to talk about some good things that have come from the experience of going through a Divorce.
You find out you might not have been as happy as you thought when you were married - I look back and realized I was restricted, controlled and subdued at times, I was a different person around her, I never used to be but after kids she changed and forced me to also, she changed back again but tried to keep me in the same place. In future if I will not change who I am for anyone, my XW married me when I was that person and that was the person she fell in love with and I was much happier also so always going to be me in the future and not allow anyone to change that.
You form new friendships or strengthen existing - I spent a long time without a social life, never saying yes to anything since I did not know if she would want to or didn't want to deal with the hassle after from her. Since I stopped caring I have made a few groups of really close friends I mean super supportive genuine people who also happen to be fun, I am so busy its ridiculous between work and people inviting me to things that I need to start saying no a little more but I'm not quite ready yet, I found some mutual friends sided with me once they suspected she was cheating and I just feel a lot closer to people because I can just be me. I was terrified of telling people and even kept my suspicions of an affair to myself due to being embarrassed/ashamed and still hoping things would work out between us so did not want to make her mad or have people think bad of her, turned out people had same suspicions and became very supportive towards me. Never again will I give up friendships or social life, I want someone who will be involved in them with me and encourage it
Freedom - apart from when I have my children the world is my oyster I can do anything, go anywhere and act however I feel and that is quite liberating, not sure how this would play into a future relationship but I think ensuring you dont feel trapped, I always supported my XW to do things, have fun etc but it was not returned. I want a true partner who wants to make me happy and in return I want to make them happy so it has to be both ways.
Other things I am still getting used to.
Lack of routine and structure - need to get more organized although I have more time and freedom I seem to be struggling to keep up with just general house hold chores so enjoy my freedom but do need some structure.
Not having a partner I have a lot of Friends but i do still miss having the closeness with someone and sharing raising the kids together.
Home I am glad I decided to keep the house I know a lot of people say not to because of bad memories but for me I am glad I did, it does not feel like home anymore since I removed all Family pics, half furniture is gone, usually no one is there so it is silent but I like the place and am enjoying replacing things to try and create home again.
Divorce is tough, painful and stressful and I would never wish it on anyone but its not all bad, I hear life does move on and I am hoping that is what is going to continue happening with mine. I am still in IC and will continue to go for some time and I understand I will have down times, I will get frustrated, depressed, sad and angry still on occasion but they key is to keep moving forward and not let them consume you, one of my XW's complaints was I lacked emotion, I never lacked emotion I just lacked ability to express it and working in IC and GC the last few months I have become much more open with people and its funny but the more open i am with people the more open they become with me and it creates a closer friendship.
Best advice I took too long to take was do the 180, once she moved out, we stopped communication and I accepted she did not want to be in my life and stopped caring what she thought the easier it made it to start grieving and working towards being happy again, it was really messing with my head being around her day in and day out and was very unhealthy for me, put me in a really bad place that I could not get out of. Still have a long way to go only 22 days in since we lived separately but each day i think about her less and less and have got used to her not being in my daily routine.
Hopeful to get back to happy and find a new normal and i really do think i will come out of this a better person than I was in the marriage, its a shame we could not have worked things out and we both couldn't have realized our weaknesses and worked on them and been happy together like we were when we first got together but she chose a different path and as everyone keeps telling me that is no reflection on me or my character just hers........
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ion/364514-need-advice-reconnecting-wife.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...tion/369834-entering-divorce-proceedings.html
So I signed my Divorce papers 6 days ago and drove straight to Vegas and partied for 3 days before flying out on a couple of work trips and finally made oit home last night so feeling exhausted but in decent spirits. My XW has left the State with the kids for 4 weeks almost so have a lot of time to find a new routine and figure things out.
Joined a couple online dating sites not really to find a relationship but more to just test out the dating scene and build some confidence up again since that has taken quite a hit and obviously be nice to have company from time to time. I did read on another post about people wanting to set you up when they know you have been cheated on and I can agree I have had a bunch of girls asking if I want setting up with friends but I'm not in a place for that just yet.
The process of finalizing the final settlement agreement was so stressful that once I finally signed it was almost a huge relief, it was also a little sad but its done and its over so I didn't think about anything in the past.
I want to try and keep this positive so going to talk about some good things that have come from the experience of going through a Divorce.
You find out you might not have been as happy as you thought when you were married - I look back and realized I was restricted, controlled and subdued at times, I was a different person around her, I never used to be but after kids she changed and forced me to also, she changed back again but tried to keep me in the same place. In future if I will not change who I am for anyone, my XW married me when I was that person and that was the person she fell in love with and I was much happier also so always going to be me in the future and not allow anyone to change that.
You form new friendships or strengthen existing - I spent a long time without a social life, never saying yes to anything since I did not know if she would want to or didn't want to deal with the hassle after from her. Since I stopped caring I have made a few groups of really close friends I mean super supportive genuine people who also happen to be fun, I am so busy its ridiculous between work and people inviting me to things that I need to start saying no a little more but I'm not quite ready yet, I found some mutual friends sided with me once they suspected she was cheating and I just feel a lot closer to people because I can just be me. I was terrified of telling people and even kept my suspicions of an affair to myself due to being embarrassed/ashamed and still hoping things would work out between us so did not want to make her mad or have people think bad of her, turned out people had same suspicions and became very supportive towards me. Never again will I give up friendships or social life, I want someone who will be involved in them with me and encourage it
Freedom - apart from when I have my children the world is my oyster I can do anything, go anywhere and act however I feel and that is quite liberating, not sure how this would play into a future relationship but I think ensuring you dont feel trapped, I always supported my XW to do things, have fun etc but it was not returned. I want a true partner who wants to make me happy and in return I want to make them happy so it has to be both ways.
Other things I am still getting used to.
Lack of routine and structure - need to get more organized although I have more time and freedom I seem to be struggling to keep up with just general house hold chores so enjoy my freedom but do need some structure.
Not having a partner I have a lot of Friends but i do still miss having the closeness with someone and sharing raising the kids together.
Home I am glad I decided to keep the house I know a lot of people say not to because of bad memories but for me I am glad I did, it does not feel like home anymore since I removed all Family pics, half furniture is gone, usually no one is there so it is silent but I like the place and am enjoying replacing things to try and create home again.
Divorce is tough, painful and stressful and I would never wish it on anyone but its not all bad, I hear life does move on and I am hoping that is what is going to continue happening with mine. I am still in IC and will continue to go for some time and I understand I will have down times, I will get frustrated, depressed, sad and angry still on occasion but they key is to keep moving forward and not let them consume you, one of my XW's complaints was I lacked emotion, I never lacked emotion I just lacked ability to express it and working in IC and GC the last few months I have become much more open with people and its funny but the more open i am with people the more open they become with me and it creates a closer friendship.
Best advice I took too long to take was do the 180, once she moved out, we stopped communication and I accepted she did not want to be in my life and stopped caring what she thought the easier it made it to start grieving and working towards being happy again, it was really messing with my head being around her day in and day out and was very unhealthy for me, put me in a really bad place that I could not get out of. Still have a long way to go only 22 days in since we lived separately but each day i think about her less and less and have got used to her not being in my daily routine.
Hopeful to get back to happy and find a new normal and i really do think i will come out of this a better person than I was in the marriage, its a shame we could not have worked things out and we both couldn't have realized our weaknesses and worked on them and been happy together like we were when we first got together but she chose a different path and as everyone keeps telling me that is no reflection on me or my character just hers........