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Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 01-25-2012, 08:46 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I hear you, I was looking for a friend to hang out with over the weekend and come to find out I really don't have many haha
I feel ya!!!! I came to this state because my ex is from here. He never wanted to go out or do anything, so we didn't have many friends. I met people through work and school and that's it (most of them are married). Now I'm stuck here because I can't find a job closer to my family. Someone suggested meetup.com, and I joined a couple of groups. There are groups for almost anything that you are interested in. I would suggest that you take a look at that website.
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Old 01-25-2012, 08:53 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I feel ya!!!! I came to this state because my ex is from here. He never wanted to go out or do anything, so we didn't have many friends. I met people through work and school and that's it (most of them are married). Now I'm stuck here because I can't find a job closer to my family. Someone suggested meetup.com, and I joined a couple of groups. There are groups for almost anything that you are interested in. I would suggest that you take a look at that website.
I have looked there (meetup) - but only found a few political group meetings - and for the wrong party as well.

Its just funny too - reading about other people dating - wondering where they are even MEETING people. Not to mention the awkward "hey - I was wondering...if you aren't doing anything this Friday...if you might like to..." kind of stuff.
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Old 01-25-2012, 11:27 AM   #18 (permalink)
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When my wife started having health problems, I was totally there for her and supportive. That's another thing that makes me mad when I think about it. I helped get her through a lot of hard times - a lot of self created drama really - while I've been fairly steady over the years.
NG,

All you really wanted was for her to be nice to you.
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Old 01-25-2012, 11:42 AM   #19 (permalink)
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NG,

All you really wanted was for her to be nice to you.
No - not that simple. I wanted her to get better. Wanted our lives to get better again.

This is a girl / woman who caught my attention the first time I laid eyes on her.

During the 4 years I was in High School, there were two girls that cast a major spell over me. And the other girl was a distant second to my eventual Wife (and now eventual STBXW).

It wasn't all "Nice Guy" syndrome. There was love, lust, fear - all of it. The light and dark sides.

Not sure where you were headed with that comment - but 17 years of marriage and 21 years of close friendship can't be so easily wrapped up in such a few simple words.
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Old 01-25-2012, 11:48 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Not sure where you were headed with that comment - but 17 years of marriage and 21 years of close friendship can't be so easily wrapped up in such a few simple words
Sure it can. Simple: she is not the woman you thought you knew.
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Old 01-25-2012, 11:48 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Since you're wound up with this today, why not spill it?

What would not have improved for you had she not been more considerate and nice?
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Old 01-25-2012, 11:53 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Sure it can. Simple: she is not the woman you thought you knew.
Actually - I think - she changed. As people are prone to do.

Even the more raw attraction that used to be there - and was still there just a few years ago - is gone.

Lying was the biggest change.

She didn't lie for the first 14-15 years of our "relationship." Then it was like a switch flipped and lying become normal. Hard to look past something that basic and important.
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Old 01-25-2012, 12:09 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Since you're wound up with this today, why not spill it?

What would not have improved for you had she not been more considerate and nice?
Well - was actually wound up with it yesterday. And it has less and less to do with "her" - more to do with the general feeling of being alone.

She generally WAS considerate and nice.

But she had a tendency to blow things up when they started going well. I become more convinced every day that she has "some" bi-polar tendencies. Long-term/long-ranged cycling.

When my mother passed away - my wife stepped up. That - and the EAs and other during the last two-three years - have been the hardest times in my life. So - one of those times I was glad to have her as my partner. The other time - she was largely responsible for the pain and drama.

I don't miss her. In part because I still see her too much! But its short and brief - not emotional.

But I still picture the damned porch and the TWO rocking chairs - and now one is empty. Makes me a bit sad - scares me a bit - and can pi$$ me off too.
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Old 01-25-2012, 12:29 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Well - was actually wound up with it yesterday. And it has less and less to do with "her" - more to do with the general feeling of being alone.

She generally WAS considerate and nice.

But she had a tendency to blow things up when they started going well. I become more convinced every day that she has "some" bi-polar tendencies. Long-term/long-ranged cycling.

When my mother passed away - my wife stepped up. That - and the EAs and other during the last two-three years - have been the hardest times in my life. So - one of those times I was glad to have her as my partner. The other time - she was largely responsible for the pain and drama.

I don't miss her. In part because I still see her too much! But its short and brief - not emotional.

But I still picture the damned porch and the TWO rocking chairs - and now one is empty. Makes me a bit sad - scares me a bit - and can pi$$ me off too.
Hey Nice guy! I hear you. It's not that you would get back with her, it's that you miss the idea of the companionship. The Ideal concept of what a marriage should be.. and may have been at one time. I completely understand it...my h is still here but the true partnership is missing. I know it hurts when someone you have given your all to (and sometimes even more) just doesn't return the favor But hey you are a good guy and I'm sure you will find that person who WANTS to share with you and will support you like you support them. Until then you always have us to banter with!!!

You could always blog ya know...or even start journaling!!!

Hang in there!!
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Old 01-25-2012, 03:19 PM   #25 (permalink)
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I become more convinced every day that she has "some" bi-polar tendencies. Long-term/long-ranged cycling.
If it is bi-polar, then it is self-inflicted. I for one believe people can indeed drive themselves insane. In your wife's case, it has been a war between the truth within her soul and the lies she was telling herself to overcome the guilt she was feeling for decieveing you and everyone in her life. She was constantly rewriting her own history, piling lie upon lie, until the truth center in her soul finally rotted away. There is nothing there anymore. An empty void surrounded by an onion shell of lies and self-delusion.
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Old 01-25-2012, 04:28 PM   #26 (permalink)
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If it is bi-polar, then it is self-inflicted. I for one believe people can indeed drive themselves insane. In your wife's case, it has been a war between the truth within her soul and the lies she was telling herself to overcome the guilt she was feeling for decieveing you and everyone in her life. She was constantly rewriting her own history, piling lie upon lie, until the truth center in her soul finally rotted away. There is nothing there anymore. An empty void surrounded by an onion shell of lies and self-delusion.
At one point - years ago - she was diagnosed as Bi-Polar II and placed on a ****tail of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and mood stablizers.

At the time she was seeking treatment, I "thought" we agreed that she has this habit of blowing things up every 2 to 4 years. But then recently, she can't recall those conversations. And she accuses me of only saying such things out of meanness.

She thinks that because she still takes the meds that were prescribed 5 years ago, there simply CAN'T be a mental health problem. Nevermind that she's added other medications over the years - and her body has started going through "changes" - as is normal for her age.

My biggest issue with her now is how to best handle things with the kids.
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Old 01-26-2012, 11:42 AM   #27 (permalink)
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At one point - years ago - she was diagnosed as Bi-Polar II and placed on a ****tail of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and mood stablizers.

At the time she was seeking treatment, I "thought" we agreed that she has this habit of blowing things up every 2 to 4 years. But then recently, she can't recall those conversations. And she accuses me of only saying such things out of meanness.

She thinks that because she still takes the meds that were prescribed 5 years ago, there simply CAN'T be a mental health problem. Nevermind that she's added other medications over the years - and her body has started going through "changes" - as is normal for her age.

My biggest issue with her now is how to best handle things with the kids.
Then she is broken. She is damaged goods, and at some point you need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of what is your one shot on earth taking care of a broken vessel.

I think you need to focus on yourself and your kids and make arrangements to move on. From where I stand, you have little chance of ever having a content and fulfilled life with this woman.
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Old 01-26-2012, 01:13 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Then she is broken. She is damaged goods, and at some point you need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of what is your one shot on earth taking care of a broken vessel.

I think you need to focus on yourself and your kids and make arrangements to move on. From where I stand, you have little chance of ever having a content and fulfilled life with this woman.
We are divorcing. So - basically - yes - I'm doing this.

Thanks.
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Old 01-26-2012, 05:39 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I have looked there (meetup) - but only found a few political group meetings - and for the wrong party as well.

Its just funny too - reading about other people dating - wondering where they are even MEETING people. Not to mention the awkward "hey - I was wondering...if you aren't doing anything this Friday...if you might like to..." kind of stuff.
Maybe look at other interests then. There are groups of people who just go out to dinner together. Other groups go hiking, play kickball, do happy hour together, book clubs, etc. I finally went to my first meetup a couple of weeks ago. It's a singles group for people in their 20's-30's. It was awkward to say the least...driving to a place by myself, going in to find these people, and then sitting and having dinner like they're my pals. I made myself do it because I can't keep sitting in my apartment. It's too lonely and depressing. I'm glad I did it, and I've joined a couple of other groups as well. Haven't gone to any other meetups yet, but I'm going to keep trying.
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Old 01-26-2012, 10:15 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Maybe look at other interests then. There are groups of people who just go out to dinner together. Other groups go hiking, play kickball, do happy hour together, book clubs, etc. I finally went to my first meetup a couple of weeks ago. It's a singles group for people in their 20's-30's. It was awkward to say the least...driving to a place by myself, going in to find these people, and then sitting and having dinner like they're my pals. I made myself do it because I can't keep sitting in my apartment. It's too lonely and depressing. I'm glad I did it, and I've joined a couple of other groups as well. Haven't gone to any other meetups yet, but I'm going to keep trying.
Literally - all I saw on meetup were political groups. Guess it hasnt caught on here in my mid-sized midwest town.

The church I sometimes attend...the one divorced woman my age will hardly talk to me!!!

Is it wrong to move to a bigger church for "social" reasons?!?!?
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