Right after Divorce, the transition - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-09-2012, 11:06 AM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: In Texas
Posts: 1,185
Right after Divorce, the transition

I guess you could call it a transition, if that even it be forced upon you. My first concerns were providing a place for myself to live, and room for my D(10) when I had "visitation" (prison term?) . I scoured apartment ads, found a few in the area that coincided with the kids school. Thing is, many of the apartments around here were 2bdr starting in the $900 range.
And those were low end high crime rate areas. Thinking to myself the ability to make friends for my daughter, playing outside, etc., was a no go. I grew up in apartments for the first few cognitive years of my life and it was a different time in the late 70's. Now, I wouldnt allow my daughter outside living in an apt around here. The costs for a nicer neighborhood, and a decent sized apt seemed impossible, and I was disappointed and discouraged as time was calling for immediate action.

Then i got online and started looking at the area realty website, reducing my area of search to that of required zones, and found a lot of houses that after running the mortgage calculators were cheaper in monthly mortgage than an apartment. I still had no money for a downpayment though, and was still living with the ex wife and paying bills there as well. I lived with the ex for 2 months after the divorce.

Throughout many potential houses and subsequent visits to find complete dumps unlike any of the pictures, I grew even more discouraged and the whole idea seemed impossible. The realty market is awash with misrepresentation and fish eye lens pictures of houses fit for demolition. How some people can ask prices for them with a straight face, sort of increased the population numbers of people I considered to be insane.
I had wittled down the selection of houses by price, visited many of which driving up to the curb, warranted a hearty "hellll nawwww" and we'd drive on, my realtor and I.
Foreclosed houses saturated the market. But foreclosures require more up front closing costs, and deeper inspections. They did seem like a bargain, some of them, but I didnt know how I was even going to get the money for a normal closing cost, much less the additional costs involved with purchasing a foreclosure, plus, you have the whole "hope they pick my offer" going on which leaves you in the "holding pattern" to even make additional moves towards getting out.

I eventually found a house, put a bid on it, and won. (Won, like buying something warrants a prize of being "picked" to be allowed to spend your money)
The job I work for, offered my year end bonus early, and between that and help from my dad, I was able to put together enough to afford closing costs. I was tapped though. After that I had nothing left.
So I lived out of a cooler with ice in it for a week or two until I could get the cash together for a fridge.
I went over to my buddies house and did laundry for a few weeks until I could go and apply for credit at a wholesaler for a washer and dryer.
My entire pantry consists of generic food, mostly Wal-marts "Great Value" brand of stuff. Ramen noodles, hamburger, mac and cheese. Yep you guessed it, the same stuff I ate when I was nine years old...
For the first month or two, things were financially strung out, and I had my daughter visiting with me for a week at a time every other week, initial deposits for electricity and water utilities were required on the first few bills, I got my homeowners association maintenance (yearly bill) two weeks after moving in, for around 600.00. Christmas had come and gone, my D had a birthday at the end of the year and mannnn was I strapped...

So obviously, I just moved in, had nothing in therms of $$, and everything was piling on heavy. I gotta say none of it would have been possible without the help of my Dad and family members up north. They pooled together and sent me money to help with things, just to get me started.
My daughter, walking into my house with arms outstretched and voicing her approval was my first gust of wind to fill my sails.

Here I am on my fourth month away from the marital home. It appears that a routine is being developed in order to provide some semblance of normalcy for us both. I finally moved the barbeque pit into the backyard and have fired it up when we had a 62F day a few weeks ago. Its still very weird being 100% completely responsible for myself. I sometimes worry about what happens if I need to work on my car, and something happens like an injury or something. But all in all, I am starting to get used to it, starting to formulate that necessary sense of comfort and knowing what to expect. One bit of advice I can offer is to Keep it Simple.. If I feel like NOT doing something, then you can rest assured my azzz is layin in bed..not doing it.

Time with my daughter is wonderful, and it tugs at the heart to have to give her back to her mother on her week, but it also gives me time for me, and right now, thats a blessing too. My sister raised two kids on her own since their birth and provided me with encouragement and hope.
I grilled half of a two foot long filet of pacific salmon the other night, and it was awesome. If I want to leave the dishes in the sink until tomorrow, I do. No one to b!tch me out for not keeping the chores up according to "their" time frame.
And you know what though? I find myself doing things around the house anyways. Just because its mine, and becuase I feel good in a clean house. Plus, my two cats would have it in shambles if I let it go for too long, lest I mention the 10yr old every other week.

Right now folks, after all the h-e-l-l all the extreme hurt, which revisits still, I will not lie, I however LOVE where I am right now.
Its not where I thought it would be at my age, and I could have done a lot better in the past, but Im here, and I am making the best of it. Things will even out as I pay down debt, and have more left over after a paycheck. Thats my biggest goal, well, really its more of a hostage situation regarding debt, but you know what I mean...

Sometimes it feels like Ive cut out a huge burden in my life, I dont know if its the burden of concern for my wifes well being, or her happiness (which always seemed just out of reach), or what, but the problems I have now are all my own, and I can attend to them on my calendar, at my leisure. No longer are days planned weeks in advance, and some days I have absolutely nothing to do, so I do nothing, and its great.
Am I lonely sometimes? Yes. And I do still see my exwife across the street at her new mans house and at first that seemed situationally extensive in regards to "normal?" divorces... but I am getting better with that, and today it doesnt bother me that much. The "lessening of the hurt" is apparent enough that I can actually notice it, and I can actually feel its tangibility. How? I dont know how it started getting less and less hurtful.

i really didnt think it would at first. Even still theres periods where I reflect and wonder wtf??? But I am coming to terms with its meaninglessness, and learning to appreciate the ability to no longer have to care.

My advice after getting a divorce?
Keep it simple. Get your bare necessities in hand first.
Ask for help from family. Call friends and family to vent. Ive talked my buddies freaking ear off and sound like a broken record for sure, but hes been through the exact same situation and it helps so much just to hear someone agree that what happened to you is horrible, and wrong, but still provides the example that everyone can move on and get better and let go.

I dont have internet access at the house, nor do I have cable or satellite t.v. They do still broadcast local stations over the air, and I have a rabbit ear antenna providing me plenty to watch when watching the t.v.

Splurge some if you can, on your new place. I think I spent twelve dollars on replacement cover plates for the light switches and power outlets in one bathroom. I went with a bronzed finish that looked great against the dark green olive paint in the guest bathroom. I got a towel ring, and a toilet paper dispenser, and a trashcan that matched. Just kind of imprinted on the decor ya know. My own personal touch, but theres something more to it than that. Its almost like "staking a claim" on my new situation as a whole.

I was sooooooo worried about my daughter. How would she react, would it require counseling,, would she flip out at school???
Her grades have improved. She loves coming to Daddy's house, there is no indication of any problems from either daycare or school. I think right now my biggest problem is finding and affording fun things to do together.. Gee, how difficult, eh?
For as often as I had read and heard on here with much skepticism,, MUCH skepticism, that we would all move on eventually and get to a point of feeling better, I had no hope of that happening knowing how much I unnecessarily reflect and dwell on stuff. Well, today I am feeling pretty good about myself, and dare I spot a gleam of hope for continued strength and healing.

His delay, is not a denial.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-10-2012, 03:42 PM
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Re: Right after Divorce, the transition

Hey Shoo,

Gald to hear you are up off the floor and making progress. Although I haven't been lurking as much as I used too I kept you in the back of my mind. I can remember the posts about losing the first house and a few others back in the early days.

It is hard to tell when you start to get better isn't it? I couldn't tell you when I started to pick myself up but it sure is a nice change. I moved out basically a year ago and divorced in April and I think it has been the year I learned the most about myself ever. My montra was "If I don't do it then no one else will and it has to be done". That applied to dishes, laundry, whatever including making dinner. LOL

Take care.

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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-10-2012, 04:53 PM
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Re: Right after Divorce, the transition

Shoo there a few people whose posts I always read if I see their names come up and you are one of them. I have felt such a lot of emotion coming from what you have written, and Have always felt the tremendous love you have for your daughter, and how important she is to you. I am so happy to hear that you are now in a much better place, feeling more content, and with hope for the future. Also that you are spending lots of time with your daughter.
Fun things to do - I am sure you have plenty of ideas, but have you tried coking together. I have always cooked with my daughter since she was tiny and we still love to do it now and she is 16. If you don't splash out on much food due to income, making economical dishes can be great fun. I began a recipe book for my daughter and wrote out anything we cooked to gether. She will have it when I am gone, and will remember our happy hours. Just my idea, but we all have to eat and it can be fun!
Hope you have many more happy times ahead of you.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-10-2012, 06:54 PM
Join Date: May 2011
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Re: Right after Divorce, the transition

So good to hear you feeling better!
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-10-2012, 07:28 PM
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Re: Right after Divorce, the transition


Just keep moving forward. You never know what life has planned for you, the pain, the hurt can help you live and grow even more than you ever imagined. I laugh that to me doing homework with my son is a blessing and not a chore. But since it isn't an every day occurence, it really is a blessing. I love it. And more importantly, he does. With his mom, not so much.

So just cherish those moments. May I suggest writing your daughter letters from time to time. Not to give now, but later in life. Letters about what you've been through, how you feel about things, what you wanted to say but couldn't. I've done that for my son and I will give them to him when he is older. So he knows the journey I've been on. I have a library of books that he will read as well.

As you said, keep it simple. You can either get on living or get on dying. You've chosen the former and you will be better for it.

Congrats on that. Good luck.

"Don't think less of yourself, think of yourself less" ....C.S. Lewis
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-12-2012, 01:06 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: The Jersey Shore
Posts: 2,329
Re: Right after Divorce, the transition

Having your own place is the best! I did the same as you and I feel the same too. Things will get better financially. Last year, after moving out and getting settled in my new apartment it was a financial horror show for the first few months.

But a year has changed a lot. This past week I took my two kids up to Vermont. We had a great time. My daughter and I skied. My son hung out and we all swam in the pool and jacuzzi, went and had dinner...just enjoyed each other. It was awesome and I did it all by MYSELF.

Being independent is cool. Enjoy.

D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013
And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
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