Why did I marry in the first place?

moon_in_bloom · 02-10-2012, 05:44 PM

So I'm 29 and divorced. Never thought this would be my life.

It's been over a year now since the whole process begun, and I just can't get past the question, why did I say "I do" in the first place. I've always been this romantic type of girl, my ex-husband was (and still is) the only one I've ever been with.

We were together for 8 and half years, ever since I finished high school. It was love at first sight, in 3 months time we were already living together. But we were young and penniless, so marriage took place only at the very end of our relationship. And that is what bothers me!

The wedding was huge with 120 guests and took about a year and a half of planning. During that period of time things started to go really wrong, but I just closed my eyes and thought it was only wedding stress. After all, according to friends and family, we were "the one perfect couple".

One thing that started to bother me then was the excessive use of alcohol I started to notice from my boyfriend's side. His father is still an uncured alcoholic, but his family just looks the other way.

Also, our fights became more and more aggressive. I understand now that back then I was scared of him sometimes - but I didn't see it like that when I was in the situation. I guess I was just trying to be strong for both of us. And I couldn't see the love of my life being a totally different, violent person. It just didn't make any sense.

Our relationship had had its ups and down before, and I loved him so much that I thought it would just turn for the better again one day. So on with the wedding planning, I said to myself.

Three months after the wedding, just as the lovely honeymoon had been spent, somehow the worst fight ever happened. He didn't attack me physically like a few times before, I could have handled that. He just sank into a state of mind that scared me even more: he said he wanted to die.

Now, my brother killed himself at the age of 18. I was 23 at the time. My ex-husband was there then with me witnessing the horrible years when my whole family was just numb of grief. He knew exactly how deep he would hurt me by using those words - whether he really meant them or not.

Once again, I tried to talk to him, get us both into therapy like many, many times before, but it was always just like fighting a tsunami. He wouldn't do it. I felt my strength starting to fade, like I was drowning. He had been diagnosed with depression before. If he was to follow down the same path as my brother, I could never bear the guilt or the grief. So I left, just a little over three months after the wedding. I felt like I was running for my life.

Last I heard, he had started dating our former mutual friend pretty soon after the divorce was settled. I've been mostly sitting in therapy and trying to get my own life together.

I still can't forgive myself for marrying that man. It was unfair to everybody. I just can't explain what was going through my head - love? How could I love someone who hurt me so bad? How could he say that he loved me with all his heart and then literally spit on my face the next day?

I thought I could love this broken person enough to heal him, and his whole family. Still, I simply should have known better. I feel like I failed, big time.

WomanScorned · 02-10-2012, 06:47 PM

I don't think any of us thought we had signed up for this debacle, but here we are. You didn't 'fail' by yourself. It takes two to make a crappy marriage, and it sounds like you did the right thing by getting out before you got seriously hurt physically and emotionally. He was too unstable and not willing to fix it. No one can fix it for him.

Jellybeans · 02-12-2012, 07:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WomanScorned

I don't think any of us thought we had signed up for this debacle, but here we are.

This.

One person alone can't maintain a marriage. Never forget that.

Freak On a Leash · 02-12-2012, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moon_in_bloom

I thought I could love this broken person enough to heal him, and his whole family. Still, I simply should have known better. I feel like I failed, big time.

You didn't fail. Quite the opposite. You had the courage and foresight to pick up and leave. You realized that you can't fix someone who doesn't want to fix himself. It was a very realistic and mature decision.

Yes, you married too young and had the usual dreams of living "Happily Ever After" but it doesn't always work out that way. You didn't hang around and compound things by having children, who would truly suffer in a situation like the one you were in.

You aren't tied down. You are still young. You can live life for YOURSELF. Discover who you are and what you want and be your OWN person. You never gave yourself that chance. Now you can. Just don't rush into a NEW relationship. Take the time to live life for yourself, by yourself, before committing to another.

The worst mistake you can make is the one you don't learn from. Don't look at this as a failure. Look at this as a lesson. Study it, figure out where you went wrong and don't travel down that same path and you'll be golden!

I was in the same situation as you, depressed, alcoholic husband (as well as members of his family) who destroyed my life... but I didn't have the courage to leave until MUCH later and now I have two kids to look after, who have suffered greatly as a result of what's happened. I only wish I'd "screwed up" like you did!