My "ILWYNILWY" date to divorce being final was roughly 2 and 1/2 *months* (divorce final in November). I did not even have time to breathe. The divorce was amicable (although I did not want it) during the process.
I made a huge mistake. I have been dark for roughly a month and a half, and all communications with the ex has been short and to the point. She mentioned that things were even more different between us now as I worked on myself. Sadly last Saturday night, I caved. We got to talking on the phone and she could tell that I am moving forward as alot of innuendos were made regarding other women that I may or may not be interested in from her. She in return started telling me just all the fun stuff she was doing and I in return ended the call. I did not want to hear it.
Later that night, I was at a friends house and we texted back and forth with each other for a couple hours. I threw all the go dark work out the window, although at the time I did not feel too bad after the texting.
Monday she emailed me asking if I would watch our (now hers) cat while she goes and visits family. 2 things hurt like hell; The fact that she is going to see family without me for the first time in 20 years, and the fact that she had the gall to ask me to watch the cat after taking it from me the day she moved out(we had agreed the cat would stay with me).
I replied that I would not want to watch the cat only to have her taken from me again. She understood and appolized for overstepping. I in turn, told her it's not a big deal, but Im still getting used to my life since she left and that I need to focus on people who want to help me move on.
She got it. I got an immediate reply that stated she only wants the best for me and if by her contacting me is not allowing me to move on I should tell her.
I fought the tears, and replied that yes, her contacting me is not allowing me to move forward. I told her I need to learn to love myself and someone else again and I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen. I told her what a cold hearted thing it was to give me 20 hours from my signature to the judge signing the decree. I told her I never believed she would hurt me, and turned out to be the person who hurt me most. I told her.... I dont want to be her friend. I stated I'm not angry, I dont want an apologie, I just needed to say what I said. I have not heard a word from her....
I guess I finally said my goodbye's to the person I loved more than anything on this earth...
Had my first date for drinks after work yesterday. Felt odd and out of place. The girl was nice, but I think we both felt that we are in the friend zone...
I feel like I'm starting from ground zero again.... I guess I am. Go dark again with the ex wife, work on myself, and take it day by day...
Good luck, it is not easy, and you did a very brave thing by telling her not to contact you anymore. It's not ground zero when you are working on yourself! You have a good platform to start from when you can admit your mistakes and work on them. Selfawareness is huge and not alot of people have that.
Hey Man!!
Dont worry for venting. Lord knows Ive filled pages with it.
youre going thru some serious sh!t right now and its going to take time to both get all that grieving out, and to get your legs back under you again.
Keep on posting man, let us know how you are, and what you are thinking.
One thing you can count on is that there will be good days, and they will come more and more as you find yourself detaching.
It will happen, but take it easy on yourself, feel what needs to be felt but know that you are cared about by people here.
And if the past is any indicator of the future....you have not heard the last from your ex-wife. Curiosity will get the best of her soon. But your response to her was perfect and I hope you mean it for yourself especially. Continue to put you fist...applause, applause!
You sound like an amazing guy. You handled the conversations really well. Just take it one day at a time. And learn to be happy by yourself before you start looking to be happy with someone else. Reflect on what you have learned from this relationship and what you want in the next one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frigginlost
Oh man do I need to just vent (sorry)....
My "ILWYNILWY" date to divorce being final was roughly 2 and 1/2 *months* (divorce final in November). I did not even have time to breathe. The divorce was amicable (although I did not want it) during the process.
I made a huge mistake. I have been dark for roughly a month and a half, and all communications with the ex has been short and to the point. She mentioned that things were even more different between us now as I worked on myself. Sadly last Saturday night, I caved. We got to talking on the phone and she could tell that I am moving forward as alot of innuendos were made regarding other women that I may or may not be interested in from her. She in return started telling me just all the fun stuff she was doing and I in return ended the call. I did not want to hear it.
Later that night, I was at a friends house and we texted back and forth with each other for a couple hours. I threw all the go dark work out the window, although at the time I did not feel too bad after the texting.
Monday she emailed me asking if I would watch our (now hers) cat while she goes and visits family. 2 things hurt like hell; The fact that she is going to see family without me for the first time in 20 years, and the fact that she had the gall to ask me to watch the cat after taking it from me the day she moved out(we had agreed the cat would stay with me).
I replied that I would not want to watch the cat only to have her taken from me again. She understood and appolized for overstepping. I in turn, told her it's not a big deal, but Im still getting used to my life since she left and that I need to focus on people who want to help me move on.
She got it. I got an immediate reply that stated she only wants the best for me and if by her contacting me is not allowing me to move on I should tell her.
I fought the tears, and replied that yes, her contacting me is not allowing me to move forward. I told her I need to learn to love myself and someone else again and I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen. I told her what a cold hearted thing it was to give me 20 hours from my signature to the judge signing the decree. I told her I never believed she would hurt me, and turned out to be the person who hurt me most. I told her.... I dont want to be her friend. I stated I'm not angry, I dont want an apologie, I just needed to say what I said. I have not heard a word from her....
I guess I finally said my goodbye's to the person I loved more than anything on this earth...
Had my first date for drinks after work yesterday. Felt odd and out of place. The girl was nice, but I think we both felt that we are in the friend zone...
I feel like I'm starting from ground zero again.... I guess I am. Go dark again with the ex wife, work on myself, and take it day by day...
My communication problem is that I still want to be in touch with my STBXH, trying to figure out what that will look like. I contacted him by text to let him know that he could come the marital home to do some of the yard jobs he enjoys and he did come while I was out. Then I sent him another text asking him to help with the dogs because I have a long work day tomorrow and we texted for a bit, then I had a total anxiety attack. Chest pain, short of breath, crying. I told him what was happening, silly me, I know I need to stop that, only positive, neutral contact from now on. I guess I still need to stay in the dark for a bit, not quite as ready for casual contact as I thought. Any bad thoughts I have about him right now are my fault. I know he wants to stay in touch, be able to chat about our kids and life in general, but I am so far away from being able to do that right now. Still can't quite believe how far away we have become from the married couple we were for 28 years
yup, you are right, the D has 90 days til final, but certainly D for all intents and purposes. I was doing really well going dark, then we went to court, the reality of him being gone got to me. I will go back to the only when unavoidable conversations. Back to kids, taxes and home repairs he is doing
You sound like an amazing guy. You handled the conversations really well. Just take it one day at a time. And learn to be happy by yourself before you start looking to be happy with someone else. Reflect on what you have learned from this relationship and what you want in the next one.
Thanks Carol. There is so much truth in taking one day at a time...
I'm still getting used to being happy by myself... but it is happening. :-) The tough part is trying to break myself of the need to get attention from a female. I think alot of it has to do with the fact that to this day I still do not know why my ex wife walked out the front door and I'm trying to fight the thoughts that maybe it was just me. Having a female interested in me helps, but I know right now is not the time...
I need to be happy by myself... just like you said. :-)
Thanks Carol. There is so much truth in taking one day at a time...
I'm still getting used to being happy by myself... but it is happening. :-) The tough part is trying to break myself of the need to get attention from a female. I think alot of it has to do with the fact that to this day I still do not know why my ex wife walked out the front door and I'm trying to fight the thoughts that maybe it was just me. Having a female interested in me helps, but I know right now is not the time...
I need to be happy by myself... just like you said. :-)
Gotta love that feelings of, "if this was all my fault" that comes from someone walking out on you. I can not stand that and I am in the midst of that struggle currently.
I know it isn't true, but it is so freaking hard not to validate the person you love the most thoughts and feelings about yourself.
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Very Bad last three days..... 
