Tough thoughts
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Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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  • 4 Post By ing
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Tough thoughts

Some know my story, I've been a lurker that comes out of the trees now and then. I could use some insight/thoughts on my current situation. Not sure the best place to post but I'll take a shot.

Quick background, I too was a victim of the wife needed something but wasn't sure what it was but it wasn't me after roughly 20 yrs. Seperated in Feb 11 divorced Apr 11. Have two teenage girls who I'm in contact with often and see them 4 days out of 14. I talked with the girls and after one year everyone is adjusted and doing our things. Talked with the 15 yr old Sunday just to make sure.

I have been seeing/dating a girl since October. We talk/text daily and see each other around 2 times a week. This is where I get off base or uneasy. I beleive she wants to increase our time together but I like things the way they are.

I'm not sure how to approach the subject. She is the first girl I dated since divorced. I like what we are doing but just feel that the odds of the first person out of the shoot per se is extremely rare. Kind of worried about hurting her by saying anything but worried if I don't then I make it worse.

Do people these days just date and spend time without imediately thinking about the long term?

Hopefully I got my question out clearly. I find myself wishing I was articulate like Shoo.

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Old 02-29-2012, 01:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

OHHHH dammm, there you go.
THANKS MANNNNN!!!! Kind words for sure.

I dont blame you for worrying about the speed of things, and just enjoying the way things are, as they are for now.
From what you say, she sounds smart, smart enough to understand the position you are in, and the whole "rebound" concern..
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Old 02-29-2012, 02:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

It just depends. I was the first woman my h dated after his divorce. We fell in love quickly but I was worried that he would need to date other people, he just didn't want to.
It sounds like you're scared of getting closer which is understandable. But what if she has a lot to offer and you are putting up walls? It's up to what you feel
comfortable with.
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Old 02-29-2012, 11:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

Oh man....This is definitely strange because I am in the exact same situation as you are. I dated a bit right out of the shoot after my divorce which will be a year very soon. I quickly realized I was not ready so I took quite a bit of time off to just adjust to life and concentrate on myself and my child.

Chose to jump back in right around the new year. Things were awesome for about 5 weeks or so and it was kind of the same deal. See her once or twice a week, talk a bit on the phone, text a bit....Then I started getting to where I could sense I was pulling away. She then mentioned wanting to meet my child and I just kind of put a huge wall up immediately.

Point is....I have absolutely no clue what to tell you because I am in the exact same boat. I feel bad because everything inside of me is telling me to run far, far away. Seems the women I go for right now are the ones who I can't have.
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Old 03-01-2012, 01:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

So I will reflect back a question.....is it fear? Is it plan and simple fear that keeps you from taking another step?

For me it is fear. It is that fear that makes me feel the need to 'run and hide'. I think so anyways.....the guy I'm with is trying to reassure me that he isn't going anywhere...he thinks that is why I pull away. Bottom line is I just can't tell anymore! Is this a 'gut' feeling or fear!?

Make any sense? Lol
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Old 03-01-2012, 06:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

I just went though this.

I met someone just three months after my wife decided that I was a dud. Yep. A few months.
She was under a year from her own divorce.

I had been on dates the previous couple of weeks and had enjoyed tea, coffee, a picnic and this date I was going on with her was just to fill in Sunday and see some art. She was doing the same.
We ended up going to Dinner, after lunch and talking until late in the morning, a few days later we were in bed. This lasted for some months and then I hit the wall, in fact we both did.

I had to tell her that I could see no future, not that I didn't see one with her, but that I simply could not see one at all! She was the same.
We had frantically been manufacturing a future, both knowing that it was fantasy, almost like an affair and this made us both very uncomfortable. It is the thing we had lost. Our futures and that is the hardest thing to come to terms with.

So I ended it. I told her


I broke her heart and I broke mine and we both realised that while the timing was shocking and we both have problems to deal with. we both really, really like being with each other. Our kids had met and they were trying to get us back together!

A few weeks ago I called her. I apologised and asked if we could perhaps see each other. No expectations and no grand hopes for the future.
Since then we have had a more healthy relationship. We rarely talk about our ex partners, we rarely play pretend lives, but it is real and I am very glad to be with her when we can fit each other in.

Do I love her? It is so long since I have experienced a young love that I fear I do not recognise it. Going with the flow
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Old 03-01-2012, 06:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

Do you have something that you put by the wayside during your marriage? A passion aside from a relationship? I am 'married' to my writing. My litmus test for involvement is that if I can write and take care of my work and things that are important to me in my life (kids, paid work, myself, paperwork, keeping a home, friends, my volunteer job/s...and my 'space needs/downtime') without interference that could not be addressed with a simple discussion about priorities and give and take, then increasing time together is not the answer. In my marriage, my stbxh overcrowded me. I could not do the things I needed to do in order to be me. Of course, that was an abusive relationship, the point was to keep control of me so that he could do as he liked, and have me cornered/captive...even if it meant being pregnant at 47 (How pathetic a maneuver was that? Very. LOL!) But it's how you feel when you address your needs in a relationship that determines how much to let someone into your life. If you feel like you're letting someone in too soon, and it's clear in your communication when you discuss this that it's not someone else, it's just your speed and your needs at the time, and she pushes and won't accommodate reasonably, that's a red flag, in my opinion.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

Ing,

Interesting you say about not being able to see a future. I changed jobs this past year (basically I decided to blow up my entire life and start over), so it seems like I've been working around the clock. I have been constantly having to adapt and adjust to everyone else. Part of me doesn't know how or where I fit into that yet and I can't see the future, either. Guess I had my future laid out in front of me for so long that all of my old goals and dreams and ideas just kind of went up in smoke. Perhaps I'm still having a hard time figuring the direction I want my life to go.

Kind of hard to allow someone else in when you don't really know yourself what you want in a future. Guess that is probably not the greatest way to start a new relationship, especially for those of us who have been burned and are getting back on our feet again.

I feel like these types of questions come up on a daily basis in my mind. Almost feels like I'm just chasing bunny rabbits all the time because I still have very few answers.

Don't know about the rest of you but I have found that I have a hard time attaching myself to anything. I even found myself looking for another job this year. Like I don't want to commit and let anyone in here at this job. Not even that I'm looking to move up the ladder because then it comes back to what do I really want.

Shoe, sorry to thread-jack with my thoughts. I didn't intend on it!
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Old 03-01-2012, 10:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

No worries Paradise I think we both have common lives/thoughts/hurdles. I to ponder many questions each and every day. Either lucky or unlucky for me I have two kids that depend on me so I stay somewhat grounded. I can't afford to jsut blow up entirely so trying to have more of a controlled eruption. lol

I appreciate all the responses. I don't think it is fear that causes me to question but more of not sure what to attach to. I guess those might be the same thing in a way. But I've always tended to think about how other peoples lives are impacted by my actions before I make my move and in this case I may be casuing hurt to someone else because don't know what/how my actions are interpreted.

I feel that I've been given this chance to re-evaluate my life and who I share it with and since I'm not sure what that looks like is it fair to the other person.

I'm having dinner over at her place tonight. My intention is to be as open and honest about where I'm at and how I feel about her and us. I'm positive I'll fumble it some but at least she will be aware of my feelings and confusion/uncertainty. I think that is how I can sleep easier knowing that she can make her decision on what is best for her.

I've got no idea where it will all go but maybe I don't need to know right now. I will let you know how the conversation goes or if I chicken out.

I feel like a little teenager boy right now. I'm a grown man dang it! LOL

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Old 03-01-2012, 07:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

I just wanna say thank you to you all for sharing your thoughts and feelings.....for some reason reading these posts today brought about a huge realization today for me. Might post on in after I think about it a bit more! lol Or I might just take in to my counselor!

Thanks everyone!
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Old 03-02-2012, 08:00 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

One of the realizations that Ive come to, that is at least a largely contributing factor to my current sense of chaos and indirection, is because Ive spent the last twenty years turning my life into that of what I thought a husband, father, and family man was. I may have been off in some areas, but had the general Ward Cleaver going on.
My goals in life changed to adapt to the "constant" that was this marriage, this other person, this family. My job turned into a necessity to survive for more than just myself, my future plans such as retirement switched to the consideration of my wife being with me and then everything became what "we" were going to do, what was best for "us".

Thats all changed now. That other person isnt there, so it drastically affects the very feul of my motives now. I have to figure out what just "I" want for "my" future, and Im so out of practice...
Sometimes I perceive it as a great loss of direction, and direction itself is such a valuable thing to have.
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Old 03-03-2012, 04:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

Shoo,

One of the common themes I've noticed after lurking on this site for almost a year has been that the left behind person generally speaks of "us", "we", etc when describing the life of marriage. It has been more than a year now since I was together with my ex so the actual memories of "us" are starting to become cloudy now, but even in marriage (and I'm sure many of us here experienced this), at some point it was about "us" for them, too. But....What I notice when looking back is it was best for "us" when it was best for them. I can go down a list and see lots of examples of things that while they may have been best for "us" they were not necessarily best for me. I'm having a hard time seeing it the other way around.

I'm talking in circles here, perhaps. Sorry if this doesn't make sense.

I guess in the end, while we were putting everything into the future of the unit, perhaps that was never the case with them. I know in my situation, once I said the magic word "no" and attempted to set some boundaries it was over. Perhaps it was over long before that. In the end I became a doormat and I still look back and am ashamed at what I became. Guess I new it was slipping away so I attempted the last resort I could think of and became I pathetic person.

Still chasing bunnies here...
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Old 03-04-2012, 05:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paradise View Post

I guess in the end, while we were putting everything into the future of the unit, perhaps that was never the case with them. I know in my situation, once I said the magic word "no" and attempted to set some boundaries it was over. Perhaps it was over long before that. In the end I became a doormat and I still look back and am ashamed at what I became. Guess I new it was slipping away so I attempted the last resort I could think of and became I pathetic person.

Still chasing bunnies here...
I does make sense and it is a pretty hard thing to come to terms with.
My Ex fully expected me to say " yes. have the affair". She fully expected me to suck it up and agree to her plan for a "break in the relationship" .
I said "No" and that was it.
The end.

How many times had I said okay, do whatever you like.
My sense of self dwindling away over years, and years.
I remember all too clearly this short exchange.
me. 'Your killing us!
her " Yes"

Last edited by ing; 03-04-2012 at 09:28 PM. Reason: grammar
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:28 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

Thanks for the great responses. I had the talk on Thursday night and made her aware of my feelings. I believe it makes me feel much better about the situation,regardless of the outcome, that I have been open. I guess that is the definition of an open relationship.

My point with her was that I enjoy talking and spending time with her but also need to make sure I can have some me time without her to figure out myself more. I was feeling pressure to spend my time with her whenever I didn't have the kids. She understood and I found out some of that was all in my head and not something she was trying to do.

The conversation lasted more than an hour and we went down lots of tangents and preivously undiscussed topics. Although there were some topics I hadn't thought about I answered honestly and some of the items were left as topics of future conversations because that was the best either one of us could do.

I ended up spending Friday and Saturday night with her and some friends and had a wonderful time. I don't know where this is all going and vocalized that to her. I guess we will see and as long as I remain truthful and open that is good enough for me right now.

Take care,

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Old 03-14-2012, 11:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tough thoughts

That sounds like a good talk you had. I think you handled it really well.

Sounds like you want to spend time with her but not be completely invested in a full time relationship. I think that's a very reasonable way to feel. If were out in the "dating world" I think I'd fell the same way.

Take it one day at a time and enjoy. Good luck.
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