Now that my STBX is physically gone I'm finding myself feeling so alone.
I thought alot today about people I know and how they are happy now even though they went through the same thing I'm going through.
BUT, every single one of them moved on to someone new. Every thing I read (as well as my therapist) says to be single, be you, give yourself a year, etc.
I don't have any examples in my life of people being happy by being alone. Does anyone here have a success story of committing to themselves and being happy again or is finding someone new the preferred method?
IMO... You can not be alone & still feel lonely. Being with someone to save yourself from feeling or being alone is a recipe for co-dependency. It is natural to feel lonely after a breakup , not just because you miss the other person (some may, others may not) but because you are not accustomed to being alone. I would much rather be alone (& lonely) than miserable with someone else. It's a matter of mindset & reprogramming yourself to be happy with yourself. Until you are happy with yourself you won't be able to share yourself & happiness with another. You will simply be using them to fill a perceived void.
You'll get there, it just takes some time & effort on your part. You are responsible for yourself & your happiness. : ) Posted via Mobile Device
Is it a year since they left or a year since the divorce? I mean, I am now 54 years old, how long should I wait? And I am fine alone, I have a great job, good kids, family, friends, I am in graduate school working on my PhD. STBXH was the one with the problem, he didn't know how to live with someone, care about them or open up and share. I am a kind, loving person who is looking to be someone's partner in life.
I think you wait until you can honestly give someone a fair shake. Meaning, they deserve all of you, not just what you are willing to give from being hurt by your ex.
If you are afraid and unwilling to give someone that fair shake, you are not ready. There is no time frame. We are all different.
I reckon a couple of weeks and you move on! I mean..
Seriously. I am in a relationship that has had its ups and downs in the past year because neither of us were really ready to have a relationship. I think as long as you are honest with your new person about where you are up to. Why not?
IMO... You can not be alone & still feel lonely. Being with someone to save yourself from feeling or being alone is a recipe for co-dependency. It is natural to feel lonely after a breakup , not just because you miss the other person (some may, others may not) but because you are not accustomed to being alone. I would much rather be alone (& lonely) than miserable with someone else. It's a matter of mindset & reprogramming yourself to be happy with yourself. Until you are happy with yourself you won't be able to share yourself & happiness with another. You will simply be using them to fill a perceived void.
You'll get there, it just takes some time & effort on your part. You are responsible for yourself & your happiness. : ) Posted via Mobile Device
This is the exact advice that I think is "right." Problem is, I'm worrying that it is too idealistic. I completely agree that I don't want to use a woman to get past my wife who has destroyed me and that is why I'm not pursuing. BUT, how the hell else am I going to feel good about me? I know this is the epitome of low self worth but it is my honest feeling. I really think I need a partner to be happy. But, I'm hurting horribly right now.
@ing I don't want to make another person my crutch at the expense of their happiness. I know I'd feel so much better having a woman next to me in bed at night to hold and be held but how could I do that if I'm still in love w/ my ex?
You sound like you love being part of a couple, so yes, you will not be fully healed until you find someone else.
The advice about being alone for a year is wise because right now you are feeling needy, and if you rush into a new relationship too soon, you may miss red flags that this person is not a good match for you. You should be strong and self-confident before you can enter into a new relationship.
You need to give yourself time to heal from the divorce, and to learn why the relationship failed so that you do not repeat mistakes with a new partner.
I'm in the same boat brother. I miss my wife bad. But I know I am better off without her. I have lost close to 40 pounds in the last month and a half.
I do not plan on dating for a long, long time after the divorce is finalyzed. I have started a bucket list of goals that I want to accomplish before I settle down again. I spent 21 years revolving around this other person like a moon circling a planet.
Time to explore the universe as a rogue asteroid! Posted via Mobile Device
@SD212 , I feel the same way as you.
Maybe it's "youngest child" syndrome lol.
As the youngest of 3 kids, and with my parents still being married, I was never used to "being alone". Before my wife, I was with only 1 other girl, and that relationship was for almost 2 years.. The one with my wife about 9 years. (6 and change of that married.)
Thru MC I have learned a lot, thru books and IC I have learned a lot. My divorce was final in Feb, but we have been separated since July, but going thru this non-sense since a year ago. I really do not miss my wife, I just miss the affection and company of the other person. Being "alone" is not natural to me. With winter coming to a close I think some of the mood swings will change for the better, and I am looking forward to dating. Half the battle for me is putting myself out there. I know people try to label this as "co-dependency" I do not look at it this way. I can be happy doing my own things, but, I really prefer it both ways. Sharing my life and self with someone else, and having some me time.
@SD212 , I feel the same way as you.
Maybe it's "youngest child" syndrome lol.
As the youngest of 3 kids, and with my parents still being married, I was never used to "being alone". Before my wife, I was with only 1 other girl, and that relationship was for almost 2 years.. The one with my wife about 9 years. (6 and change of that married.)
Thru MC I have learned a lot, thru books and IC I have learned a lot. My divorce was final in Feb, but we have been separated since July, but going thru this non-sense since a year ago. I really do not miss my wife, I just miss the affection and company of the other person. Being "alone" is not natural to me. With winter coming to a close I think some of the mood swings will change for the better, and I am looking forward to dating. Half the battle for me is putting myself out there. I know people try to label this as "co-dependency" I do not look at it this way. I can be happy doing my own things, but, I really prefer it both ways. Sharing my life and self with someone else, and having some me time.
Seems like you really understand me. I think there may be something to what you say about upbringing. I am an only child and had a single mother. We were tight as can be and spent so much time together. We were very poor so my memories are all of us just hanging out together. Interesting.
I do miss my wife terribly though. Sounds like you have alot more time under your belt of being separated though so perhaps I will get there. The infidelity plagues me as much as being alone but when I manage to shake that I hope to have 1/2 my pain gone.
I'm in the same boat brother. I miss my wife bad. But I know I am better off without her. I have lost close to 40 pounds in the last month and a half.
I do not plan on dating for a long, long time after the divorce is finalyzed. I have started a bucket list of goals that I want to accomplish before I settle down again. I spent 21 years revolving around this other person like a moon circling a planet.
Time to explore the universe as a rogue asteroid! Posted via Mobile Device
This is me, too.
I have already crossed off about 4-5 things from my Bucket List!
Is it a year since they left or a year since the divorce? I mean, I am now 54 years old, how long should I wait? And I am fine alone, I have a great job, good kids, family, friends, I am in graduate school working on my PhD. STBXH was the one with the problem, he didn't know how to live with someone, care about them or open up and share. I am a kind, loving person who is looking to be someone's partner in life.
I don't think this year thing works for everyone. I agree 1 yr for 25 yr old is okay but as you get older it's just ridiculous to think about waiting that long.
Good question my H left our marriage before he left the house... when does that year start? If that's the case I am more than half way through it (I am not rushing to a D - just reading and preparing for what you all are going through), so if I count when HE left the marriage it maybe just after the D that a year will have passed.
Mad- just go with flow and open yourself up to opportunities
for me personally i started dating after 6 months sep. it backfired. i had a rebound and then i tried to date this other guy closer to the year mark and we dated for a couple of months but it wasn't to be. didn't feel right. i'm going through the divorce motions now and i've decided to be single for awhile, at least until the divorce is finalized. i hope by then i'll have more of an understanding of myself and who i am. before my marriage i was used to jumping in and out of relationships. being not in one feels weird and pitiful to me. but i also do not like hurting people and don't want to fall into the same pattern as my marriage took. so now it's on to discover myself and to hopefully make better choices next time.
mind you it's not easy being single.. I see other happy couples and it really feels sucky but i know that i wouldn't be able to give myself to someone else fully as i'm still healing. you said your still in love with ur ex, that tells me your not ready either. when u get past that point then you will have a better chance.
I really do not miss my wife, I just miss the affection and company of the other person. Being "alone" is not natural to me. With winter coming to a close I think some of the mood swings will change for the better, and I am looking forward to dating. Half the battle for me is putting myself out there. I know people try to label this as "co-dependency" I do not look at it this way. I can be happy doing my own things, but, I really prefer it both ways. Sharing my life and self with someone else, and having some me time.
It is perfectly normal & healthy to want affection & company and miss it when it is absent... it is not healthy to want it to maintain a sense of security or to feel whole.
Wanting to share your life & having a connection with someone is NOT co-dependent... It becomes co-dependent when you convince or allow yourself to believe that you won't be happy without someone.
I don't think there is any set rule for how long you should wait before you can put yourself "out-there" because everyone heals at their own pace. Just don't launch yourself before you have sealed the gaps. It's ok if they still leak a little but make sure you can bail if needed. (oh how I love a good allegory)
Perhaps this would be a good litmus test for you: If there is any evidence or indication that you may come across as "needy" or have a desire to seek instant validation from a brand new or potential partner... you are not ready.
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Is a new woman the only way to get over this? 
