03-13-2012, 10:08 PM
Join Date: Dec 2011
| | All coming together
What a day this has been. I'm finally closing on my house. The divorce and the resulting debt increase of maintaining two homes has just about killed me financially. On one side of it, I am thrilled to death, but there is still a part of me that is sad. I put a lot of work into that place. I stepped foot in it one last time and it just flooded me with memories....Some bad ones but most of them really good. Guess that is a change.
While I am certainly happy to finally have my finances set in stone, I am also kind of overwhelmed by the debt I have accumulated over the past couple of years. Just feels like it is going to take me forever to get out of this mess. Was initially hoping that it would only take me a year or two but now I'm seeing the entire picture for the first time and it is certainly scary.
Back to the house....Cannot really pinpoint what I'm feeling right now. It's like all of the emotions I've experienced over the last year are bouncing me around all at once. Sad, happy, frustrated, scared, ashamed, angry, embarrassed, etc. Seems like I've kind of regressed over the past few weeks.
Not sure what I'm hoping to accomplish with this post. Guess more than anything I'm just trying to sort out my emotions right now and figure out exactly what I'm going through at the moment. This is a little different than the normal roller coaster emotions I've dealt with over the last year.
I know most of you don't know my story on here as I've been a lurker without posting. I lost my family a year ago. Ex decided the pasture was greener elsewhere and I tried for months to keep it together and change her mind. Did the typical begging and pleading for the last year of the marriage. Made a damn fool of myself is what I did. I look back on that and am embarrassed. After losing my family I decided to change jobs and take on a new one. It has been a struggle, I'm not going to lie. Lots of bad days. I blew up everything around me and decided to start over. Bad thing is I looked at myself in the mirror at my soon to be former house today and realized just how awful I look. I looked like I have aged a good 10 years. Craziness.
Guess at this point I look at everything and see just how easy her life has been. She looks better than ever, she's already engaged with her affair partner, they are pretty much seen by everyone as the perfect couple and I was just pushed off to the side. Fact is, I got really pissed looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that she moved on without a hitch and I've struggled so much.
Yes, I still wait for the Karma train to knock her off her pedestal, but I also know that shouldn't matter. I shouldn't think like that. I shouldn't worry one bit about it. I should live my life for me and my child when I'm with her. I SHOULD be happy for the ex that her life is going so well.....
Alright, I'm done for tonight. I'm chasing bunnies again and I'm not going to find any answers....