All coming together

Paradise · 03-13-2012, 10:08 PM

What a day this has been. I'm finally closing on my house. The divorce and the resulting debt increase of maintaining two homes has just about killed me financially. On one side of it, I am thrilled to death, but there is still a part of me that is sad. I put a lot of work into that place. I stepped foot in it one last time and it just flooded me with memories....Some bad ones but most of them really good. Guess that is a change.

While I am certainly happy to finally have my finances set in stone, I am also kind of overwhelmed by the debt I have accumulated over the past couple of years. Just feels like it is going to take me forever to get out of this mess. Was initially hoping that it would only take me a year or two but now I'm seeing the entire picture for the first time and it is certainly scary.

Back to the house....Cannot really pinpoint what I'm feeling right now. It's like all of the emotions I've experienced over the last year are bouncing me around all at once. Sad, happy, frustrated, scared, ashamed, angry, embarrassed, etc. Seems like I've kind of regressed over the past few weeks.

Not sure what I'm hoping to accomplish with this post. Guess more than anything I'm just trying to sort out my emotions right now and figure out exactly what I'm going through at the moment. This is a little different than the normal roller coaster emotions I've dealt with over the last year.

I know most of you don't know my story on here as I've been a lurker without posting. I lost my family a year ago. Ex decided the pasture was greener elsewhere and I tried for months to keep it together and change her mind. Did the typical begging and pleading for the last year of the marriage. Made a damn fool of myself is what I did. I look back on that and am embarrassed. After losing my family I decided to change jobs and take on a new one. It has been a struggle, I'm not going to lie. Lots of bad days. I blew up everything around me and decided to start over. Bad thing is I looked at myself in the mirror at my soon to be former house today and realized just how awful I look. I looked like I have aged a good 10 years. Craziness.

Guess at this point I look at everything and see just how easy her life has been. She looks better than ever, she's already engaged with her affair partner, they are pretty much seen by everyone as the perfect couple and I was just pushed off to the side. Fact is, I got really pissed looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that she moved on without a hitch and I've struggled so much.

Yes, I still wait for the Karma train to knock her off her pedestal, but I also know that shouldn't matter. I shouldn't think like that. I shouldn't worry one bit about it. I should live my life for me and my child when I'm with her. I SHOULD be happy for the ex that her life is going so well.....

Alright, I'm done for tonight. I'm chasing bunnies again and I'm not going to find any answers....

Shooboomafoo · 03-14-2012, 07:22 AM

Hey Paradise!
Congratulations on closing. I looked for 3 months while living with the ex to find someplace, and had resolved to an apt, until this foreclosure came up. I closed on it in Nov. of last year and its pretty darn cool.
I remember the apprehension about it all was nervewracking so, congratulations for sure.

"Yes, I still wait for the Karma train to knock her off her pedestal, but I also know that shouldn't matter. I shouldn't think like that. I shouldn't worry one bit about it. I should live my life for me and my child when I'm with her. I SHOULD be happy for the ex that her life is going so well....."

Words Ive had to force myself to remember often.

nice777guy · 03-14-2012, 06:26 PM

Do what your best with the debt. It's just another lousy thing that goes with the territory...

And don't let your happiness or anything else be dependent on her anymore. That Karma train sometimes misses a person or two...

Paradise · 03-18-2012, 04:44 PM

Alright, I'm getting frustrated with myself. After my divorce I immediately started dating. Tried the online dating thing and went out with several people. Actually ended up meeting someone on one of those sites and dated her for about 3 months but we still lived 30 minutes apart so I could kind of dictate when I was going to see her. Then, I moved to the same town and immediately knew I didn't want to (nor was I close to being ready) to see her anymore.

Took a few months off of dating after that. Needed to get settled into my new job and take care of my child half the time. It has been tough!

But, I met someone while out and about a few months ago. Things were going pretty good but then I just shut down again. Same exact thing.

Here's the deal, I do not miss my exW. But, I am feeling like there is no way in heck I'm going to allow myself to get close to anyone. Why is this? It's been a year since my divorce. What the heck?

I know I am very picky but both of these women are really nice, attractive, smart. No, they are not as physically attractive as my ex but there aren't too many women who are. I'm starting to become afraid that I am just ruined by this. That I will never let anyone into my life again, completely.

Other than that I am doing just fine and dandy, but I am missing having someone in my life and being a guy I miss the physical part. It has been way too long.

nice777guy · 03-18-2012, 05:43 PM

You just have to be patient...not sure what else can be said.

After running my mouth about feeling " lonely" - I browsed a couple of dating sites and had a couple of friends offer to set me up. But - as lonely as I feel - I know I'm just not ready yet.

I met one nice girl - but she's really not my type. With two kids and a busy job - and now being sick for a few days - I really haven't felt like talking and definitely not flirting with anyone!

If its meant to happen - it will happen...

Paradise · 03-18-2012, 08:32 PM

niceguy....I know this is what I should be thinking. I know I "should" let it just happen. Guess one thing I've got to quit doing is comparing my life to the ExW's life. Fact is she had a jump start on a new relationship for over a year before we got divorced. I know my child needs my time and attention right now, though. I really shouldn't worry about finding someone else.

The roller coaster is kicking my butt a little right now. I think since everything is done and the divorce has been over a year old I'm finally having to face some things that I've kind of put off. Almost like all of my little built in excuses are no longer valid and it is now time for me to move forward.

I have wasted too much time. Wasted valuable real estate in my head and heart for too long on the ex and the OM and the entire debacle. Guess it is time for me to push forward and finally figure out what in the hell it is that I want.

notreadytoquit · 03-18-2012, 09:01 PM

Hey Paradise we have all been there with those same emotions. You changed home, I changed countries with a child that was less than 2 years old at the time. We all know how you feel and we all wait for that karma bus.

Don't rush into dating. I only signed up for match.com a year after my divorce . Not sure myself if I am ready. too much time trying to sort out single motherhood(ex h decided to stay in the US and only sees son about two weekends a month and via skype). But I will tell you as a woman I see many matches that say currently separated. I skip those without even looking. They are probably not ready to be where they need to be(in Canada it takes a year to get a divorce not as express as the US).

Your time will come but make sure you are ready. I signed up for match.com not even expecting to go on a date. Just wanted to see what's out there, what responses I would get(pretty disappointed so far on the quality of people on it and that's just by reading profiles). But that's ok. I have been busy with son's health issues in the past year as well.

Concentrate on what makes you and your child happy now. Make a plan how to pay off your debt. Breathe and take it one day at a time. And yes when you want vent here. We all understand and don't mind