rome2012

I'm already divorced (since January 2011) but am still living with my ex-h and our 3 kids....

As soon as the divorce papers came to the house he said he loves me, he doesn't want me to go and to see what the future holds....he even said maybe we could get remarried one day....

So I was under the impression this means he wants to reconcile.....about 3 months later I accidentally got pregnant (our third) and he wasn't happy (now he loves her though)....

Anyway....we went up and down in this fu*cking rollercoaster ride and finally a little over two weeks ago he told me it's not working and we need to physically split....

I agreed and we had a very good, calm talk....

From then on we got along really well....it was like a huge weight has been lifted off of both our shoulders....

I caught him crying a few times (he DOES NOT cry as he is a MAN !!!) but he denied it....don't know why all of a sudden he's crying....

Anyway....he was really depressed or sad yesterday and during at some point said "Please just give me a chance" but it was totally out of context (we were talking about me not eating his dinners he cooks lately and he said I'm doing it to spite him....which is true....stupid I know, but I'm hurting even though I know it's best to split physically)....

I don't know what he meant by it, and didn't ask....I was very indifferent with him....

Well, today I came from work and he was gone....a note was left that he "went out of town for the night and will be back tomorrow afternoon".....

I texted him that next time for him to please tell me beforehand and not with a note but personally...then I told him to stay safe with a wink ;p and an "if you kwim".....

He texted back that he doesn't know what the h*ell kwim means, so I explained and he responded pi*ssed off that he "gets it just by the way I was talking" and "Whatever"....

I am upset that he went out to get laid and didn't even have the guts to tell me....

I understand he can go and do whatever/whoever he wants now that we agreed to break up, but don't you think I deserve to know that he's going somewhere while I'm left here caring for his kids....I wouldn't have told him he couldn't go....that's not my place....as he said he can go and date, we're divorced after all...

Now a friend of mine just chewed my ass and told me I need to contact a lawyer and take all that I'm (and the kids) are entitled to, which I agree with to a point, but I am worried about him being sooo resentful that we will never get along anymore....

To explain, he's worked HARD all his life and through our marriage to provide us with the best....he's risked his life (and still is) every day at work to make sure we're not lacking anything, so he believes he deserves everything he's worked so hard for....

I on the other hand have not been contributing much, I actually got myself into massive debt and am BAD at handling finances (which was one reason he wanted a divorce, I guess he was too afraid I would ruin him one day, even though he did love me)

He said he will help me whenever I need help (physically and financially) and I believe him, but....I don't see him helping me out to the amount of what I would get on child support for the kids....

I want what they deserve, but I also want us to stay friends, for the kids sake and in general (I love him as a friend still very much....we always have a great time as friends).....

Are any of you still or again friends with the ex, even though you got what you're entitled to during the divorce ???

Meaning, even though your ex was "unhappy" (to say the least) at first because he/she has to pay all this support, did you still remain (or become) friends (again) ????

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Reinhold Niebuhr

that_girl

I don't know what you were told, but MEN do cry.

You situation is unique.

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rome2012

I've seen him cry 3 times (besides the hidden ones these last 2 weeks) in our 12 years of being together....once when he had to go back to the US and leave me behind for 4 months....once when he told me he wants a divorce and once when his (our) dog died....that's it....

Anyway....I really wanna know if it's possible to remain friends even if one party is unhappy about having to pay support.....

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Reinhold Niebuhr

ing

Now you are divorced why are you living in the same house? This stops both of you from moving on. He is obviously not interested in you.

As far as working hard, don;t run down your work in this marriage. You have three kids, that sounds like work to me!

Separate, take what you are owed . If it makes you feel better take half minus an amount that you are comfortable with.

Of course he will have to pay child support and if he gets resentful about that that then he is not your friend.
You will both lose out of divorce but that is the cost of a divorce. Believe me, it is worth it because your kids will see the end of this fraught situation. It will be better for them, and you.

rome2012

Thanks

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Reinhold Niebuhr

Corpuswife

After 25 years of marriage, I wanted to get 1/2 the assets. There was some bickering on each side regarding the finances but we both wanted things equitable. We were friendly and respectful of each other.

Over 2 year later, we are still respectful and friends with each other. Are we friends? Not sure about that....depends upon your definition. I don't call him unless kid related. It's not someone that I share the details of my life. Although, he had some difficulty disconnecting from the relationship.

sisters359

Most states now have some pretty basic formula and if he has a problem with that, he needs to take it up with the state, b/c the state has determined what is fair all around. He does not have any right to leave his children in a situation where they become a burden on the tax payers, for example. Your lack of financial control is also nothing he has a right to complain about now; he married you and had children with you. He may *think* you need handle all that, but if the result is that his children will suffer, he needs to think again. You have not forfeited your right to parent, nor have your children forfeited their right to have their mom in their life--so child support for whatever percentage of custody you end up with will be the best solution.

Of course, you should consider getting a job (if you haven't already) and reducing your standard of living. Kids don't need a lot of "stuff" to be happy, and they will really learn a lot and grow to appreciate your sense of responsibility when they begin to see that you made sacrifices to make things right, even if it meant they had to go without the latest "hot" toy.

You guys might want to consider getting a 2nd place--even just a room--somewhere for each of you to go when you are not in the "primary parent" role, and split your time in the house with the kids 50/50. He should not have to tell you he is going away over night in person, for example--he should not have to tell you at all. Even if you don't have a separate place, there should be some understanding of when each of you has "free time" that the other does not ask about. Split weekends, for example, or each of you gets every other weekend "off." Keeping track of each other's schedule is not appropriate when you aren't married, and it will only lead to hard feelings (as this case shows).

My ex and I have done what you are doing, although most of the time I have gone away to a separate place on the days that weren't "mine." We have shared the house completely for a few months here and there, but I think it is better al around when only one of us is in the house with the kids at a time. Just my experience, for what it is worth.

rome2012

He actually left the kids alone....not knowing when I will be done working (my hours change all the time)....and that day I actually planned on going to the movies right after work, but realized I didn't have enough food for the baby with me, so the kids would have been alone for over 2 hours....

Not good !!!!

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Reinhold Niebuhr

COGypsy

You don't get to "chip in" to take care of your own children. If you make babies, you support them. Like food-shelter-clothes support them, not mowing-the-lawn-sometimes support them.

It's not a question of being nice or being friends. It's about taking responsibility for the life you chose to create. It's a formula-driven calculation based on relative income, etc. It's not you deciding that you get xxx dollars. The state actually enforces it once the order is in place, so it's not even you being the bad guy.

Sure, he may not like it, but actions have consequences. Having kids means supporting them. Divorce means somebody else gets to decide what that looks like.

Now on the flip side, divorce also means that you both lose "control" over the other. He has no obligation to track you down face-to-face to tell you everyplace he goes. You live in the same house and a note is a considerate heads up about plans. Do you follow him around to tell him you're going to the movies, the grocery, wherever, in person? That's frankly not a reasonable expectation even if you were still married. And you're not still married.

Jayb

[QUOTE=Corpuswife;646011]After 25 years of marriage, I wanted to get 1/2 the assets. There was some bickering on each side regarding the finances but we both wanted things equitable. We were friendly and respectful of each other.

Over 2 year later, we are still respectful and friends with each other. Are we friends? Not sure about that....depends upon your definition. I don't call him unless kid related. It's not someone that I share the details of my life. Although, he had some difficulty disconnecting from the relationship.[/QUOTE]

Did he want to work on the marriage, while you didn't? In other words, were you the one to choose to leave?

If you could share the details of your life, would you? Would you worry that he would get the wrong idea and want to get back with you?

I ask because I think my stbxw is so far detached and can be friends with me without any "feelings" while I am just starting down the detaching road and wonder about any chance of reconciliation.

I wonder how any reconciliation ever occurs. How is it approached? What is said? What are the feelings involved?

In_The_Wind

Not in this lifetime, However when our daughter graduated High school a few years back me and my wife had lunch with the ex