the last year and half of marriage was down to once every 3-4 months or so, last time with her was about a year ago, about a month before separation date. Then me and a sexy woman intervened in each others lives last Nov. (after my 8 month dry spell), that lasted a couple months, it has now been almost three months since that ended, but I've managed to find ways to stay mentally stimulated...
the last three to four years of my marriage consisted of maybe five times in all. The last two were completely sexless. It's embarrassing to admit, but after so many years of very little anyways, since the kid was born, and her mom had to move in, it was maybe twice a month anyways until those last few years. In the beginning, she said I was wrong to be so demanding of her because of a past thing.. But come to think of it, when we very first got together, we were at it all the time. I began to hear what seemed like a need for me to back off, and then only time went by. Later on in the marriage, when I would try to talk about it, she would say she wasn't the type to initiate things... Somehow different than from the facade at first? I withdrew eventually, partly because I resented the careless dismissal of me, and also wanted to be wanted. Other women had no problem expressing an interest, my wife just seemed to turn off the light altogether. This was truly how I lived for so long. My honeymoon was her at seven months preggo, and completely sexless. I read other peoples experiences and just shake my head at how my marriage was so abnormal. Sorry for being so personal and likely depressing to yall. I've taken a lot, but thought it was my duty to stay and work with it. I shouldn't have posted, I feel like sh!t now. Lol.
you know, I also remember thinking my willingness to not pressure, and be patient would develop a deeprer love for me, from her. Somehow creating an environment of more security and obvious motive for my marriage to her, a deeper intimate love existing beyond the libido. I thought I was being a good husband. Over the course of it all I fear I've become severely confused and have lost a sense of what is the norm, what is realistic, and good, and certainly am apprehensive about how the whole sixteen years has affected me.
I could not make it a week Posted via Mobile Device
You kind of have to - unless you are up for a ONS or dive head first into some new relationship. Neither of which sounds real appealing to me at this moment.
you know, I also remember thinking my willingness to not pressure, and be patient would develop a deeprer love for me, from her. Somehow creating an environment of more security and obvious motive for my marriage to her, a deeper intimate love existing beyond the libido. I thought I was being a good husband. Over the course of it all I fear I've become severely confused and have lost a sense of what is the norm, what is realistic, and good, and certainly am apprehensive about how the whole sixteen years has affected me.
That confusion is normal.
Don't worry about "normal." Focus more on what you want.
Sounds like you did your best. Her mistakes aren't your problem - except for all that damn residual crap you've been left to work on by yourself.
It certainly messes with your head - no matter who was at fault.
you know, I also remember thinking my willingness to not pressure, and be patient would develop a deeprer love for me, from her. Somehow creating an environment of more security and obvious motive for my marriage to her, a deeper intimate love existing beyond the libido. I thought I was being a good husband. Over the course of it all I fear I've become severely confused and have lost a sense of what is the norm, what is realistic, and good, and certainly am apprehensive about how the whole sixteen years has affected me.
Yeah man, that is EXACTLY how I felt about my sexless marriage too. Early in our marriage she was the hotter one, she would have loved it multiple times a day (of course I still don't see how this would have fit her reality especially as she wanted to have the deed done before 9pm so she could get her sleep) I was happy with the 2-3 times per week but when she started getting happy she was accusing me of rejecting her and manipulating her by controlling the sex. Then in later years when she was always the one turning it down she was saying it was her way of getting back and having some control over our sex life.
In the end it was all BS, she just lost her attraction to me - looking back now she started falling out of love with me LONG before her affairs and when she gave birth to our child we both stopped working on it: her because it gave her a reason to practice her lost attraction routine (which is why she "suffered through so much misery") and for me it was just as you described Shoo, I thought I was doing the right thing by showing her a deeper love.
you know, I also remember thinking my willingness to not pressure, and be patient would develop a deeprer love for me, from her. Somehow creating an environment of more security and obvious motive for my marriage to her, a deeper intimate love existing beyond the libido. I thought I was being a good husband. Over the course of it all I fear I've become severely confused and have lost a sense of what is the norm, what is realistic, and good, and certainly am apprehensive about how the whole sixteen years has affected me.
Sounds all too familiar. Before we got married, she was always wanting to get it on. Then we got married, and it was good for awhile then tappered off. I've always read and heard that was normal, so I didn't think too much about it. She was still affectionate in other ways, so I was happy.
Over the past few years, though, it got to be once a month, maybe. That started to get a little annoying, but I didn't want to push to much. She knew I was getting a little irritated, so about a year ago she offered up a schedule. Three times a week. I was thrilled! Awesome, great! We tried to make it romantic each time. Candles, jazz music, lots of foreplay. That lasted about two months. Then she was back to saying that she didn't feel like it. It went from thrice to twice to once a week. We stayed at once a week until about three or four months before everything fell apart, then it went back to once a month or so.
After she decided to end it, and before I knew about the affair, I asked if it was because of the sex. She said no, it always felt fine but that she "Never really felt the emotional connection when we did it." That hurt.
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Re: So how long has it been? 
