So how long has it been? - Page 8
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Life After Divorce » So how long has it been?

Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

Like Tree197Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-17-2012, 09:58 PM   #106 (permalink)
Member
 
proudwidaddy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 760
Default Re: So how long has it been?

Angelpixie....I've often had those thoughts too of if I knew that "this" was my last time with my ex wife (in terms of sex) I would've slowed down more, made it last all night long. I'm 34, so I hope to god that I have sex again. I realize that I will have sex with women that are worse in bed than my ex, and hopefully have sex with women that are better in bed than my wife. Unfortunately it's tough because I've never been comfortable with the thought of a One Night Stand, I always have too much emotions connected with it.
Posted via Mobile Device
proudwidaddy is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-17-2012, 10:04 PM   #107 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 6,956
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by angelpixie View Post
I hear you. There have been times that I wondered if I'd known that our last time would indeed be the last time, would I have been different? It's such a losing train of thought. If I believe what he tells me now, the last few years of our (I thought good) sex life was actually based on his false words of love and commitment. Or is he in a MLC-induced fog, and is feeding me a line of B.S. now?
All I know is that I don't want my last time having sex with someone else to be with someone who devalued me so much. I need to have good memories to erase the traumatic ones of being used and lied to. I still absolutely cannot think of us together or I'll go into a near panic attack.

I think I really just want to make my own informed choice of who I want to have sex with, and under what circumstances. Even if it's not anything more than a FWB, it will be that way because that's what I choose at that time. (Gee, can you tell I just got back from my support group meeting, LOL?)
That whole "I Choose" thing sounds pretty good to me. Especially during a week were I feel like everyone is deciding my life except for me.
__________________
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity!" - Carlin
nice777guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2012, 10:09 PM   #108 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: va
Posts: 416
Default Re: So how long has it been?

Hang in there Nice Guy.
uhaul4mybaggage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2012, 10:24 PM   #109 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 6,956
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhaul4mybaggage View Post
Hang in there Nice Guy.
Not like I have a choice!!!

But thanks...

And you too - all of you...
__________________
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity!" - Carlin
nice777guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2012, 11:06 PM   #110 (permalink)
Member
 
Dollystanford's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 3,321
Default Re: So how long has it been?

I don't think for a minute that the last time I sex with stbxh is the last time I'll have sex ever, god that would be depressing

but I'm not certainly not looking for anything right now, despite the fact that he has already got some other chick (whether he had her before he walked out I don't know or care) and actually said to me yesterday 'well I didn't leave you to go and join a monastery'

WTF? I thought you might have let the bed get cold though ha ha
__________________
Learn how to talk proper, know what I mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Dolly is all of the women actually.
Dollystanford is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2012, 11:14 PM   #111 (permalink)
Member
 
proudwidaddy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 760
Default Re: So how long has it been?

Dolly,
The whole being left behind thing is a big ego deflator. I've experienced it too. You think that you were so good with this person, that your spouse would not be able to go out and be with someone else, because they would be so devastated by not having you. And when you don't see that, when you see them going through life with a smile on your face, you start to think (or I start to think rather) Wait a damn minute! Wasn't I good enough for you to be sad about? Why are you so happy, why are you so able to go on with your normal daily functions.

It sucks, no other way around it.
Posted via Mobile Device
proudwidaddy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2012, 11:35 PM   #112 (permalink)
Member
 
Dollystanford's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 3,321
Default Re: So how long has it been?

thing is I don't feel like that really - when I realised he had another woman in his flat and that's why he was happy to let me and D walk three miles home rather than jump in the car and drop us home it didn't affect me at all on that level, I just thought 'god I hope she can cope with your snoring'

the reason I was annoyed is because it's quite difficult to make a child understand that her dad has already got someone else

he's always been a totally selfish narcissist but a 15 year old doesn't really understand that

he's done me the biggest favour ever and I recognised that fairly early on - we were both miserable but I would never have cheated so could potentially have been unhappy for the rest of my life

not now though
__________________
Learn how to talk proper, know what I mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Dolly is all of the women actually.
Dollystanford is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2012, 09:24 AM   #113 (permalink)
SRN
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 156
Default Re: So how long has it been?

One of the biggest ego deflators for me is thinking, "God, was I that bad in bed that you had to go seek out someone else?" I know thats not true, but clearly since she had an affair, she wasn't completely satisfied sexually. And that just stings.
SRN is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2012, 10:11 AM   #114 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 131
Default Re: So how long has it been?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dollystanford View Post
he's done me the biggest favour ever and I recognised that fairly early on - we were both miserable but I would never have cheated so could potentially have been unhappy for the rest of my life

not now though
I wish I can get to this point of thinking and stick with it. I'm not sure if I'm so depressed because of the rejection(how can he do this to me?), or am I really grieving over HIM? I did love him, but not so sure if we were deeply in love. After so many years together you just get comfortable. People are telling me he is doing me a huge favor by leaving, but it's still so hard. I never really liked Valentines Day.....hmmm now I'm wondering why.
jenny123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2012, 03:32 PM   #115 (permalink)
Member
 
allthegoodnamesaregone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 276
Default Re: So how long has it been?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy View Post
Some night I would love to just be close to someone. Wouldn't have to be sex.

A different kind of "ONS" - a One Night Snuggle...
My W and I rarely went more than a couple of days without sex for our entire 24 years together ( with the exception of pregnancy issues)Now it's been almost 9 months for me and it's the closeness I miss the most.... badly.

I had a woman I'd worked with in our local theater give me a full body hug at our Wrap party, the first time another woman's been that close to me since last July. She whispered I was the "best" and "would not be on the market long". I damn near broke down right there and had to leave the room.
allthegoodnamesaregone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2012, 03:49 PM   #116 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 16,798
Default Re: So how long has it been?

Quote:
Originally Posted by allthegoodnamesaregone View Post
I had a woman I'd worked with in our local theater give me a full body hug at our Wrap party, the first time another woman's been that close to me since last July. She whispered I was the "best" and "would not be on the market long". I damn near broke down right there and had to leave the room.

How did the hug feel? Were you happy? Sad?
__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2012, 03:49 PM   #117 (permalink)
Member
 
Dollystanford's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 3,321
Default Re: So how long has it been?

people keep saying 'oh you'll be snatched up'!

I don't wanna be thanks, I want to be on my own for a bit - I was always quite independent and yet totally changed for this man who thought so little of me that he was scouring the internet for other women

will take me a long time to want to be with someone else...
__________________
Learn how to talk proper, know what I mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Dolly is all of the women actually.
Dollystanford is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2012, 03:55 PM   #118 (permalink)
Member
 
allthegoodnamesaregone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 276
Default Re: So how long has it been?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
How did the hug feel? Were you happy? Sad?
I hug felt great. it wasn't one of those "How are you" hugs, it was heartfelt. She knew what I've been through. It made me feel even more of what I had missed, just the simple affectionate things W and I had done for most of our marriage. Took me about two days to recover.
allthegoodnamesaregone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2012, 04:42 PM   #119 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 252
Default Re: So how long has it been?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy View Post
Maybe!!!

In a thread I posted earlier, someone mentioned how their divorced friends had hopped from bed to bed to fill the holes (don't think there was a pun intended...)

I don't miss "her" - but I'm a bit lost at this being single crap!
I will say what I said in another similar thread. Although temporarily gratifying I will warn that hopping bed to bed will only give you so much. I wouldn't be alright with it but it's a different persepctive and I don't view freedom and sexual intimacy one and the same.

Marriage wasn't just about sex for me and being currently in the middle of divorce doesn't make me want to go out and be "active." It sounds great in theory but I think in practice you'll find it doesn't hold the same appeal. For some it may, but true happiness doesn't come from this.
Mtts is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2012, 04:46 PM   #120 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 252
Default Re: So how long has it been?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SRN View Post
One of the biggest ego deflators for me is thinking, "God, was I that bad in bed that you had to go seek out someone else?" I know thats not true, but clearly since she had an affair, she wasn't completely satisfied sexually. And that just stings.
SRN I don't think it to be that she wasn't satisifed with you. That is a problem within her own emotional and mental state. She had issues and acted out. It wasn't that you weren't compatible, she chose to destroy that bond. You can't let yourself feel like it was you.

A lot of people think that "experience" will make it better all the way around. You can do that with one person doesn't need to be multiple people. Unfortunately social perception is that the marriage unity is dated and we should all be out exploring everything in sight. Don't feel like you were bad, think about it as your ex being too naive and immature to understand what you had.

You'll find someone interested in you and you'll be enough. Bet on it!
Mtts is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How passive agressive am I? long, long post rockstar74 Physical & Mental Health Issues 2 05-27-2012 10:15 AM
to those with a heart and feel like hope is fading its a long long post but read it! beninneedofhelp General Relationship Discussion 4 12-01-2009 10:23 AM
It seems my marriage may be over and I don't know what to do....long long post devotedandheartbrokenwife Going Through Divorce or Separation 14 10-12-2009 02:55 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:44 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage