SRN

In the time since my marriage was blown apart in mid February to today, I've come to realize that I definately was a codependent person in my marriage. My ex-wife even mentioned in our one MC session that one of the reasons she couldn't do it anymore was because I required too much emotional validation from her and I wasn't providing enough in return.

I've done some research, found some information and plan to start talking to my IC about it. But I'm wondering, and I know some of you out there are in the same boat, has anyone else dealt with this? How did you, or how are you, break(ing) the codependency thought pattern? The habits?

I'm hoping to start a discussion on the topic, so please post your experiences.

proudwidaddy

SRN,
Well separation from my soon to be ex has sure made me deal with my co-dependency issues :-)
My wife said something similar towards the end that I need to find validation through myself, not just through her. I think the recovery process is slow going sometimes, the first step is realizing that you were co-dependent. I was only co-dependent the last year of my marriage, when I could tell things were going wrong.

You have to look in the mirror, and not be afraid of the person staring back at you. You have to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else. What I've learned through my divorce care class is that you have to be comfortable with being alone on a Saturday night and not feel like a failure. All of this is easier said than done, but it's true.

I used to think that the only way I was going to get through this was by having others pick me up, carry me through. That's not true...I'm going to get through this because I';m going to pick myself up, carry myself through. I have to stand on my own two feet so that I will never be knocked down again. More importantly, I have to be tough so that my children can be okay.
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SRN

I've managed to identify that I was codependent for the last two years, after I lost my job back then. She even admitted that she never remembered us having bad times before then.

Yeah, Friday and Saturday nights have been really hard. Usually I've been able to find someone who is out doing something, so thats occupied my time. But I think you're right, I'm going to need to get used to that not being the case. Friends aren't always going to be available on the weekends. I hope it'll get easier when I'm not in the same house.

Good words. I'm slowly realizing that I can't rely on my friends and family for everything. For some yes, but they get burned out on you constantly being down.

Jayb

hmmm.

I'm not sure I am codependent, but I might really be.

I depended on my wife, but was capable of depending on me. I lost myself somewhere in the marriage, apart from my wife. Now, I'm not sure who I am, or what I want.

Shooboomafoo

I think marriages, or better, spouses have a way of manipulating and controlling the situation to create an environment where all you can do is act co-dependent, otherwise they arent happy. But that way of interaction doesnt make them happy either. So they withdraw and blame you further.
Choosing, out of love for your spouse, to look to them for ordinary intimacy and emotional closeness, as well as being willing to take their goals, passions, and pursuits into consideration as a married unit, seems like common participation in a marriage.
When this occurs but isnt reciprocated, and the person on the receiving end is neglectful towards your needs, you just sort of end up in a situation where you are trying to find out what is wrong with the marriage, with them, why they arent close, or involved or intimate, and its a dead ringer mask for codependency.
But I think in reality its simply someone that cares trying to provide room and yeild control to maintain or repair a relationship.
Of course you could have kept complete control over every decision, made demands, and issued commands and had expectations that would not be denied.
But what is that? Independency?
I think my ex was hardwired towards that personna by default, and sharing in decisions, sharing in each other, and the pursuit of closeness isnt even a consideration in their self-directed lives.
We were merely a name in a blank to fill in the white picket dreams they had and they never knew a thing about being involved.

WomanScorned

I've had to depend on me because there is no one else I can depend on. Plus, I've learned that validation and love have to come from within me. So have I broken the codependency? Well.....going through a really rough patch right now for some reason. I've definitely learned that I am capable of being on my own and taking care of my kids and myself. But I'm having trouble with the loving myself part. I'm stuck in a funk right now a year out from the initial separation and desperately trying not to repeat history with my current boyfriend.

SRN

I talked to my IC about codependency last night, and he agreed that I certainly had shown some of those tendencies at the end of my marriage, but he tended to think that a lot of my fears about being codependent were tied to my personality type. He had me take the Enneagram Test, which was interesting. Turns out I'm a Type 6, or "Loyalist" personality.

unsure78

SNR I just came up as a type 6 too- intersting

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Relationships are systems. You don't exist in a vacuum. It takes two to create a codependent relationship. Sometimes, one is Top Dog and the other Underdog, but their roles can switch. If Underdog gets stronger, Top Dog will worry that s/he is losing their superior position. The point here is that there's no reason to feel guilty, and your ex may be as codependent as you. Being needless or self-sufficient is just a phase of codependency.

Anyway, it's great that you're realizing that validation and support for your self-esteem is an inside job. In answer to your question, the biggest saboteur of self-esteem is self-criticism, and cognitive-behavioral therapy is the most effective.

The second year after divorce can be worse than the first, but by the third year, both men and women start to do better and enter new relationships. So, hang in there and continue with therapy and 12-Step meetings. There are a number of articles and blogs on my website about divorce - "Growing Through Divorce," and others. There are tons of self-help tools and exercises in my book, "Codependency for Dummies" and ebook "10-Steps to Self-Esteem," available at B&N & Amazon.
Darlene Lancer, MFT

__________________
Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, is a Marriage and Family Therapist. She's helped individuals and couples for over 25 years and is an expert on relationships, codependency, and addiction. She's the author of Codependency for Dummies,, How to Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive & Set Limits and 10 Steps to Self-Esteem. For more information, see http://www.WhatisCodependency.com and get a FREE copy of 14 Tips for Letting Go.

Santofimio

I think one of my problems in the marriage was I became co-dependent on my wife not finding issue with the things I disliked about myself. Despite being self-conscience about my gut and moobs (man-boobs), I never worked out cause she never had a problem with it. Despite regretting not finishing graduate school, I never went back cause she never had a problem with it. Looking back, I justified being content with alot of things I was unhappy about cause I was dependent on her not having an issue.

I guess I just realized what people mean when they say you have to be happy with yourself before you jump into a relationship. I'll never be happy if I find someone who accepts the things I'm unhappy about.

SRN

Feel you on all that. She "loved me for who I was", even though it was clear that I was struggling with a lot of things myself, she never really pushed me to pursue things that could help me through what I was struggling with.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I started seeing myself as someone I needed to be co-dependent with :-) What I mean is, I had some sympathy for myself as an individual, got in touch with my inner child, and started giving her the same treatment as I gave my co-dependent. Worked like a charm, still works like a charm. Well, there were 6 weeks when I went to the hospital every single day, it could have been co-dependent but I decided since boyfriend/intended had been in a coma near death that it didn't break the rules of co-dependency. What I mean, is, he wasn't really able to provide any emotional validation, especially for week #1 when he was in a coma. Funny thing is, he also had issues in past relationships with co-dependency, and we had talked about making sure that we were able to stoke our own stoves, and didn't create a relationship where we were engaging in co-co-dependency but one of supporting each other....but now that he is in rehabilitation hospital, first thing he always asks me when I visit, is how are you doing? And he means it. He can be a little scattered when talking about chit chat like what he had for lunch or whatever, but the odd thing is, since he came out of the coma, if something has to do with me emotionally or safety wise or even money or my kids, he is 100% coherent and will say something that makes perfect sense to show his concern. I think*perhaps* he is still struggling with co-dependency but honestly, I do really appreciate his concern. It's touching. <3 I am back to taking good care of myself, talked to him about going back to the dance studio where we met, because it passes the time in a fun way with other people, and I was (ironically) doing that to rehab from brain injury when we met (he was in my first class last May)...also got a Y membership so I can go back to my yoga class and indoor rock climbing there with my kids, and the weight room, treadmills, etc. Went back to volunteer at the independent film theater (took a leave of absence), resuming work with more clarity and purpose than usual (it gives me a sense of security, more than before I guess), paying attention to my classes more, went back to cooking some meals at home and baking (people appreciate that, I'm a good baker and like to share...oh dear, is it codependency to give a little kid who is a friend of my son some cookies that he loves?), back to walking the dog, making sure I have a menu planned more or less for the week, etc. I think it is a real test to not give in to co-dependency when your other half is so 'needy' in reality...but he is fully capable of working on his own rehab and dealing with issues of separation when I can't get down there to see him, he knows I am thinking of him and I know he is thinking of me, we talk about that. I feel secure enough in our relationship to know he will not forget about me. His sister got guardianship and wanted me to limit my visits, actually that is tactful she was outright abusive to me and told the nurse I wasn't his girlfriend, simple answer to that I asked him who I was he said she's my girlfriend. But to avoid conflict I honor the sister's request to not be there as much as I was when he was in the hospital...honestly when he gets better he can speak for himself, until then I am not afraid our relationship is going to disintegrate because of that kind of separation. We were much closer than that and the night before he ended up in hospital I had told him I'd still be with him even if he were disabled...not because I'm into codependency but because of love, which is different. He does remember me being with him in the hospital, and told someone he couldn't have done it without me. I think that is the difference between codependency and being there for someone. Being there is when you are truly needed, whereas codependency is when the person can really stand on their own two feet, and should, for their own sake, in terms of self-esteem and self-actualization and also knowing that the time spent with them is a conscious choice, not something you do out of fear that the relationship will end if you are not constantly validated and receive an overage of assurances which can be draining on the person who must keep giving them, and make them wonder what else they can possibly do in terms of a mortal, to make you feel loved...

I wrote a blog post about this type of connection...it's entitled 'Too Hot to Handle' and it talks about moderating relationships according to the other person's needs: nootherblogbythisname.wordpress.com

Numb in Ohio

I came up Type 2 -- variant "Social" Not real good results.