Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
So, after divorce in January 2012 I got together with my friend I'd met in May 2011. We'd become attracted to each other but when my husband (the cheating lying manipulative abusive one) got back from deployment in August and wanted another chance I talked to my friend whom I'd not yet started dating (we were about to!) and he understood and said it showed I was committed to marriage. Husband had not changed, showed his true colors, I filed for divorce in January. How he acted when I accepted his suggestion (threat!) to divorce was vicious, he said all kinds of low, nasty things to me, some of them based on intimate knowledge of me and my past (bio family) and were very hurtful, like I should go back to my brother then (who raped me when I was 12 or 13...) So, took a month to get my feet under me, contacted my friend, we started dating right away, became intimate at end of 2/2012 and it was fantastic, the whole relationship was great. We were planning a future together, by now we knew each other very well. March 4 he had a brain hemorrhage, he's now in rehab. It will take a long long while, I think, before he is getting his feet under him, longer still til he is completely independent, if ever. Turns out he has an underlying health condition. I can only see him twice a week at rehab because his sister doesn't believe we had a real relationship, because of the APPARENTLY short duration, she only sees sex in relationships, I suppose, the time between May and January don't count, not sure why except a third party appears to have attached itself to the family (from whom he was estranged) and convinced them, the social worker intervened, so after 6 weeks of seeing him every day in the hospital, I can still see him twice a week in rehab. Not sure where it will go from here. He told me, in a moment of coherency, after he announced to sister and nurse that I was his girlfriend (when I asked him who I was), that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. He also said to move on. Obviously I have to move on with my life. Now I am not sure if I should be open to other relationships. In 2 short weeks of being together, this guy fixed, literally, and specifically, 5 years of abuse from my husband. I was very very very clear on what love felt like in its purest form. Remember, this is a guy that knew me well and the whole time I was going through crap with my marriage, he was holding out for me! I knew I had fallen for him but never told him and didn't really know how he felt about me, I thought he was not going to marry anyone and was going to stay single and look after himself....he had this public plan, meanwhile was using this story to get close to me as a friend, where I felt comfortable, he had no clue I had fallen for him in the summer, and then I told him on a date on 2/25 and after that - BLISS! There is nothing like getting it on with your very best friend.
Well, now I am in my apartment, I boxed up his stuff because I couldn't stand looking at it, I have made efforts to be back in my life now that he's in rehab and doesn't need me like he did in the hospital. I have no clue what to do. Should I accept dates, should I actively look for dates?
I signed up to do some AMC activities like rock climbing, hiking and bicycling, I am going to be an apprentice grease monkey in a local bike shop some hours each week, I have work I can do from home and a 10 hour a week job this summer that's research but recruiting subjects (for a project dealing with domestic violence). I have my writing and I can go back to the theater to volunteer. I have dancing but to go back to the studio where we met right now is painful, I might try to take a class. That way it will be structured. I really liked east coast swing. We were going to take Hustle together, a date night, every Thursday, with dinner and then a dance social together after, first and last dance together. I went back to that place and danced a waltz with a friend who works there, we got to the corner where my guy used to make eyes at me and try his fancy turns he'd learned to impress me, and I missed the feel of his hands on my back, down low, in the spot where only he was allowed to hold me. So it was awful, I had to leave after one or two dances, second dance far away from that corner. I have another friend I can do Cuban dance with. I get along very well with this guy. I'm not sexually attracted to him, it's more of an instant fondness and connection. But when we dance or hang together or talk it is very cozy. So I'm confused. I don't know what to do. Probably there is not anything to do. At least not right now. I know my guy told me to move on. He wouldn't want me to live without being actively loved, and he can't do that. But I don't want to hurt him. However, he was willing to stand by while I spent time and even shared my body with my stupid abusive husband, because I needed to because of how I felt about honoring commitment to marriage and taking someone at their word that they had sincerely changed. I'm a Quaker, so it's all about discernment. I think it might be wrong to feel something for someone and to have the capability to share something and not share, not sexually per se, but intimately. Ouch. Does anybody have any insight on this? I will obviously never get involved with anyone who doesn't honor and respect how I feel towards my guy who totally anihilated the effects of my abusive relationship and put pure love into my heart. But why did he do that, for me to wrap it up again? I know he would be happy for me to have someone, who was really worth it. But it makes me sad to possibly hurt him again although first of all he will know by feel that I have love but it's love I could also share with him, even though he isn't capable of it physically and probably won't be...but who knows. Maybe a miracle will happen, however I don't really think so. I think people are way too optimistic. My therapist and the psychiatrist I've been seeing (I had two nearly three anxiety/anaphylaxis attacks, not so much from what happened to him but from the way his family treated me, others have told me they are nuts, and they are, but that doesn't make the way they treat me any better...hence I have secured relative-free visiting time apart from the family via the case manager, but only twice a week...which given that I should take care of my life and he would want me to, is enough, right now...)...any way the pro's think that I should trust my instinct on my decisions. My Cuban friend said he is going to make me a dinner, he came by the restaurant one night where he usually teaches dance when I texted him to come visit, to talk about a dance night here at my college where he taught (it was fun). Then he invited me and my kids to his studio and I saw his work and he showed me his shrine where he prays and his special drum, and he gifted things to my kids. When he calls he always gives regards to my kids. My kids adore him, absolutely. They know that I like this guy, and they don't have a problem with it, and are not confused that I see my guy in rehab and see this other guy. Maybe I should take a lead from my kids and we should do what makes us happy. My thing is I live in a small town, I worry people will think I didn't love my guy, don't. But I do, however I absolutely know he would be willing to handle having me with someone who cared for me, who even knows the situation with him, and how it was before. (My Cuban friend does.) I see the way I am acting with my Cuban friend, that is how I knew how I felt with my guy, it was how I acted around him, I caught myself at it! I know how this will go. But I'm still confused, I want to feel guilty, it's like a knee-jerk reaction, so many people have said how supportive I was to my guy when he was in the hospital. Now I can't do that. What will I do if and when he recovers and is capable of holding up 1/2 of a relationship, which is the only way he would be in one in the first place? I am keeping a journal so he will know my thoughts and feelings and the efforts I've made to move on in all areas of my life as I was planning to do prior to May 2011 when I met him. I was so scared then, because of my husband's abuse. He made my adventure into the end of my marriage more fun, because of the stellar efforts he was making to get over his own hurt, and to take care of himself, despite challenges (like, I think, alcohol, and some underlying health issues) and severe emotional pain at losing his stepdaughters in the divorce. I never saw this coming. I thought I had a new life that had a pure and honest love. We were so honest with each other about what we wanted, and careful with each other...now I don't know, when I talk to him, I think he does understand, he has been coherent always since his surgery when it comes to me and my emotional needs. He did tell me to move on, but it hurts. I don't think moving on means leaving him behind, I just think it means being present in the here and now and adjusted to spriritual and physical reality and walking into the future with my new love gyroscope that has been expertly calibrated. Oh my ex husband who placed his whole ego on rock and ice climbing broke his arm and has to even have surgery on it. My guy who spent a week in a coma and is not really coherent about remembering the name of the food he eats, says 'good' and no he is not sorry, not one bit.
Re: Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
I'm sorry it's long, but it's not a saga about abuse, it's an issue of love. At least my problem is a problem about too much love, instead of too little. <3
Re: Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WomanScorned
Sorry about your guy. That's awful. Hugs to you.
Thanks it is tough.
He is a mentally tough guy.
I will see him tonight and that will be nice.
I am trying to go day by day and use my intuition as to what to do, trying not to fall into the trap of (1) caring too much what other people might think or judge about my situation and what I should be doing (2) trying not to have any script about what I should feel or do (3) not anticipating problems or situations that might occur - that is, to stay in the moment (4) taking care of myself and doing the things that help me stay in the moment, much to my surprise I realized that dance class is something I was doing to do that, and much as it will hurt to go and take the intro hustle class that we had planned to do together, I will do it. I will also get a Y memebership so I can go back to my favorite yoga class and do indoor rock climbing or other classes...with/without my kids... I got my fitness center membership renewed...got in the space of hanging out my laundry...made an appt for my hair...doing my work...paying attention to my schoolwork...it's just - well - it's difficult. But a lot of things in life that are worthwhile are difficult and what is the alternative, to bury my head in the sand and scream? Who will come to my rescue. OK, temporarily I could go to a psych hospital...but what will happen there, they will put me back, ultimately, into the situation of having to deal with my problems and my life. So I might as well just assume that I already went to the psych hospital and do the stuff I know they will tell me to do anyway. lol. I did go one night after the sister had at me and asked for a bed and a sedative and dinner and loads of warm blankets and that's what I got. The psych looked like Hugh Grant, lol. He listened to my story of horror about what the sister did, and agreed that it was most definitely reality challenging. My biggest issue was having to deal with a professor who cuts the younger crew slack when they are ill or have an issue, here I was fighting off a mental breakdown and getting my grip on reality and she was like, your paper is late. I talked to my advisor, and said, I am peeved I am on sedatives, even antipsychotic, I have not missed classes, I made a huge effort to participate and to write this paper, even though it's a month or more late, I got a letter from my doctor, and she cuts others slack for a flu or a stomach bug, but for this, I get a statement that my paper is late. It's like a slap in the face, I found my boyfriend in a coma. I was absolutely horrified, then suffered abuse and panic attacks from his sister, and put myself on heavy meds to cope. This professor has some issues. She has allergies but does nothing for them and yet complains during class about them repeatedly, when her mother was ill it was a big deal and she talked about it, a lot. I did what I had to do and kept my mouth shut and went to class, brought a doctor's letter and she says paper is late, you will get graded down. I know my advisor has had mental breakdowns (through a third party who told me), he said he would handle it. lol. Yes, he will.
It's so unexpected when you have a crisis to have people be abusive to you. It's as though by grieving you are scaring the sh*t out of them. Well, maybe that's it, I've hit the nail on the head. My intense grief and feeling is scary to people who are detached, they want to negate it because it's not something they can feel, and because they can't feel it, it's a dangerous challenge to their own reality. My reality of grief and love and friendship and belief is too much for them. So they have to attack me, not because of ME, but because I carry a different reality in my actions, my words, my just being there. They want to destroy it or make it go away so they can stay safe in the little boxes they have shoved themselves into in their life.
Thanks for leading me down the path that led to this discovery. When I look at it that way, it makes a lot of sense.
Re: Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
I think you should at least experience dating other guys. I understand how it can feel when someone shows real interest in you after having a sh!tty spouse for many years. I also know that as you get used to feeling valued you might see those earlier relationships a bit differently.
The other angle is that this guy might not ever be able to have a real give and take relationship with you, although through no fault of his own. Do you really want to be with another "taker" or do you want someone to be able to focus on you for a bit?
Re: Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
It might be a good idea to just be on your own for a while...without any other dates and without him. I mean you just came out out of an emotionally draining relationship and straight into another deep relationship. Just take some time for yourself and in time you'll know whether you want to wait for him and be with him only or if you want to date others..I'd say give yourself time.Don't rush into anything because dating can lead straight into another relationship again.
Re: Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
In reality, I did date others and was interested in others and they fell short. I chose this guy deliberately because of our deep, established friendship and the quality of our communication and our attraction and mutual respect for each other. There was nothing 'iffy' about our being together, it was a deliberate choice, he wanted me and I wanted him. In all honesty I saw him last night and he is doing extremely well. He was coherent when talking about our relationship, we discussed how we'd been apart for several months only seeing each other socially (and in the company of my husband) and then I was deliberately on my own for an entire month after filing for divorce in order to get my feet under me, before contacting him to let him know I'd filed for divorce. We then kept our hands off each other for an entire month after that (okay, 3 weeks). Last night we discussed that separation and how now there is another challenge but we had actually discussed this situation the night before it happened, one where he would be disabled. I do not need a man with income, I don't need a man who 'performs' sex acts, what I need is love and he promised me the REAL THING, he said he was delivering and wasn't an 'Indian giver' (pardon the ethnic slur, but I am Native American and it's just a saying, honestly, no offense meant...) that this was for keeps. I know what he told his friends during our separation from each other during the last gasp I gave to my marriage that he was going to wait it out. I can't walk away from a love that has such a connection that is absolutely real. What I mean is that it is experienced as a pure light coming out of my heart and half out of my body, that's connected to him. When he was in surgery I suffered a physical pain in my heart, I was whimpering and it truly hurt. I've sought spiritual advice and it all ends up supporting the relationship. There are no guarantees in life. How sad would that be if I walked away from this relationship, married someone else, and had them end up in the same situation only without this kind of connection? I will take my love as I find it. Along with the issues his sister brings into my life that I have to deal with. He has given sage advice, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. That we can talk about the issues and he is only 7 weeks out from surgery and understands and feels who I am, he can indeed hold up his half of the relationship and competently. I can't pretend we don't have a relationship when we do. I am a Quaker and I am already married to him in my heart, and I know it is the same with him, absolutely, no doubts. I am going to stick with that. People I have talked to and know, except for his sister, everybody is supportive of the love relationship despite the obvious hassles. I met him when I was suffering from brain damage and he loved me anyways. He was there for me and didn't make decisions for me let me contribute meaningly to our friendship and our growing love relationship as I was able to meaningfully, instead of trying to fit me into a mold of what he needed, he held back and allowed me to give to him, and he was ready to receive, and it was vice versa and is now. You just don't know, he was so happy to see me last night, and he tried to get his wheelchair super close to me, cursing how he had to stay in it, whereas at the hospital I could get into his bed and we could cuddle (and glad we did). He told me to go ahead and take a dance class we were going to do together last month. He said he would make sure when he leaves that facility and goes to the next one, to ask to be close to me and to advocate for what he wants, which is that, to be close to me. I'm not going to walk away from the best thing that happened to both of us. I know what feels real and am going to choose that over any other kind of logic. But it was good to go through the questioning of this and to at least try it the other way to see how it felt. Honestly, it felt wrong. And you know what, I did sign up for eHamrnony and met someone at least online and we both know we can read the writing on the wall, also my Cuban friend he knows how I feel and what the relationship is...actually I am quite safe because the guys I choose to be with all respect love as they know it when they see it. I'm amongst friends and supporters, not predators. These guys all want what we have, but as they cannot have it, they are protecting it to the best of their ability, taking care of my loose edges and having the utmost respect for a love that their friend is fortunate enough to have found. I think that's one of the caveats in 'Not Just Friends', that the opposite gender friends have a respect for the relationship. I'm very lucky. Not only do I have a real love relationship that can stand this horrible pressure created by his sister (there wouldn't even be a problem if it weren't for his family...and if you take them out, all is fine....I'm not going to let his older sister negate something so real, so easily...) I admit I was a bit of a coward and wanted to take the easy way out. But when I tried to do that I felt very foolish and stupid and like an absolute liar. Besides, I can't make the love go away, it's impossible, and if I don't see him it hurts, I would absolutely die and so would he. I'm not going to let evil get the upper hand. I do know what's real and am not going to let his sister, who has not made ANY friends except with this third party person who has cozied up to them, tell me what's real and what's not. When it comes down to it, this is a spiritual battle, and there are a lot of people praying for us. So I'm going to stand firm and have faith, and continue on with the life I had planned to have with him, which wasn't one of codependency and is not, now, because even from a wheelchair this guy is fully capable of giving me what I need. (And he is able to walk now, but during our visit he had to stay in the wheelchair...that will change over time...I'm not going to decide my future on a temporary situation...)
Re: Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
Sweet update.
I went back to the dance studio to take lessons and enrolled in the hustle class my guy and I had been planning to take together, he told me to go ahead and do it. <3
So this woman in the class said to me. You look familiar, weren't you at a ball a little while ago with a gentleman? I said, yes, that was my boyfriend (name) he is now in rehabilitation as he had a brain hemorrhage. (We talked about that briefly as she had heard about it.) She said to me, you were so beautiful that night with him, you two look perfect together, I could see the love between you.
It was absolutely beautiful that the world has given me what I needed right when I needed it. To know that the love between us, the connection, that I can feel in my heart, like a ball of light that's in each of us and shows between the two of us, the way we are attached spiritually, is actually visible to someone else. And so strong and spectacular that they could see it, and remember it, and remember my face almost two months later, because of the way I looked when I was with him.
I also ran into the ambulance driver who lives in my town, on Thursday evening, and she was able to confirm how were were together in the hospital when she came to transfer him to rehabilitation, and also how abusive his sister was to me...she's the one who went down the hall to get the nurse because of how I was being verbally attacked...it was that bad.
Again, the world is affirming my reality, which I know is True.
My ex husband emailed me about some trivial email he received and asked how I was doing and signed it 'Love, (name)'. I'd specifically asked him not to do this and he acknowledged receiving my request, my divorce decree gives me freedom from harassment. I just deleted it. I guess he had a weak moment, what with the broken arm and no climbing opportunities. I feel a little bad for what he has to go through now, he probably counted on climbing to keep himself occupied with no woman to ping off of. But not willing to have any relationship with him, abusive people don't change after divorce. He is just TRYING to take advantage as he knows I might be in a vulnerable position with my guy having had a brain hemorrhage, yet I have faith in my guy and our love and our future...and am not vulnerable because I am doing everything I can to do self-care and to be resilient. I'm approaching this as a place/venue/opportunity for spiritual growth.
I'm going back to volunteer again at the theater, taking dance (paid up through June for unlimited classes), going to my Quaker Meeting, applying for a Y scholarship so I can take yoga and use the gym there, paid for a month of the local fitness club where I know people, applied for State aid since I don't have a lot of work this summer yet need some child care for my kids, putting in a garden, signed up for some AMC trips such as family bicycling, rock climbing, family camping...I also have my guy's friends to do things with once in a while, and my Cuban friend who is like a brother to me...family. He is very supportive, one of a few guys I am close to. It means a lot to me, and I think my relationship with my guy, to these guys, means a lot. I am the kind of women they want for themselves, the relationship I have with my guy is something they see as valuable and they're willing to invest in that. These are guys who have a spiritual backbone. Yes they love me, but it's not physical...or intrusive. I'm adrogynous when it comes to friendships, I realize I'm attractive but I see it more as a reflection of my inner spiritual presence, not as something sexual, and others respond in that way.
Anyway, am on my own today, seeing this as a spiritual place, rather than a horrible situation...makes it easier to honor the challenges that are presented, and to find my way through according to what is right, and True. I won't see my guy til Monday at noon....
Re: Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
Thanks Deejo, I think I might have mentioned this guy a long while ago. He waited for me, I waited for him, when the time was right and I was free and clear I made my feelings towards him known, he reciprocated, promised me the Real Thing, obviously that is what we got. I believe that Real Thing exists regardless of the circumstances, someone who knows him who I've been in touch with went to see him and passed on my love to him, and he said he couldn't have done it without me, apparently he choked up, if I heard her correctly. We will be okay, I will be okay. Our motto that we decided on, because we were overwhelmed with what to do and where to go from the point where we were at, just the night before his hemorrhage, when we sat and had a long talk about US, is 'It will be all right.' I truly believe that. I have had enormous support from people who know either or both of us. It's not easy being separated from him but I am putting my time to best use, however not over-scheduling...just doing things that I know worked when I was dealing with getting my feet under me during my abusive marriage, squaring that away. I am BEING the person he fell in love with, which is the REAL me, and it's the real me that shines through when I'm with him. No pretenses, no layers, just me. He brings that out in me, that's how safe I feel when I'm with him, he is truly a special person, a miracle worker. By treating me the way he wanted to treat me, in 2 weeks he erased 100% of the hurt from my life. When he recovers or even before...he will remove what's left of the hurt his sister and family inflicted on me, of course I will have made a head start on that, but I trust he will find a way to finish it up. Whenever I see him I feel even more calm, of course I feel calm now...but seeing him aside from the interference of his family, which the case worker arranged for, is a very good way of coping, even though it is limited. We went several months without seeing each other and he still had the same feelings for me, even more respect for how i managed my life, this will be the same, I am sure of it. It's not like if we can't see each other day to day, that history or love is going to be erased. His sister doesn't have the power to do that, she can only control the physical realm, and only for so long.
Re: Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
I did ask my guy today if he thought I should maybe date other people while he was recuperating and he said NO. He said he won't forget about me no matter what and will come look for me if when he is transferred to another facility as he progresses, I am unable to visit very often due to distance. He said he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life without me and for me I don't want to spend the rest of my life without him. I'm not going to make any decisions in the short term that I'll regret in the long term. I guess it will take him as long as it will take him to recuperate. Considering he was almost dead 7 weeks ago he is doing real well. And for what it's worth, he has not lost his you know what when it comes to kissing and he does hold me and tell me the things I need to hear. To be honest I've tried dating other people and it doesn't fly. One guy propositioned me and I honestly told him the thing that he's attracted to in me that he saw that he wanted doesn't belong to him, if he insists on having it and convinces me to give it to him, it will be ruined because it belongs to someone else. He got it. Other guys say they feel bad for me but they are not the type to want to just get some on the side from someone who's feeling vulnerable...the kind of guys I pick end up just supporting me. Honestly, I have four or five guy friends plus my downstairs neighbor who is married and has a brain injury himself, and a guy at my volunteer job, who are emotionally supporitive of me and some of these guys do take me out socially which is nice. Three of them know my guy fairly well. The fourth had a brain hemorrhage when he was younger and is a friend. The fifth is a Cuban friend, we are going to write some articles together, but he lives far enough away not to be 'dangerous' and he knows about my guy and has been spiritually supportive. Stinks for him if he's attracted to me, but he also has a lot of respect for love, and won't interfere, there are some checks and balances there.
My bottom line is that we have something that most people spend a lifetime looking for and it hasn't been damaged by a brain hemorrhage it was never about sex and it was never about money, it was always about love and that is what we have. I told him in my heart we are married and he feels the same way. I don't think it's wise to mess with a feeling like that, if your relationship can survive when one person is down for the count, it's well worth holding onto. I am no longer involved in his day to day care as I was when he was in the hospital. I visit, and what I do is foot rubs and back rubs, talking and spending time kissing and holding each other. Most of my time I spend homemaking for me and my kids (minimal, since I'm a Quaker, there's not a huge focus on stuff and appearance...) going to my classes and writing and reading, and working and taking care of myself and being with friends, dancing, yoga, indoor rock climbing, my volunteer job. Quite honestly, I wouldn't have time for a relationship on the side and where the heck would I put another guy in my life? It would just be too weird, and I'd have to displace my guy friends that I do have, and I don't want to do that either. Somehow I have arrived at some kind of life that works. I miss sex, but I only miss sex with one person, and there's no solution for that right now except... which is pretty much what a married person would do, I don't think framing my situation as single makes sense, given what our plans were for a future together, and what we had already done in terms of merging our lives together. I don't feel I need to date a lot of different people because I already have close guy friends. If I was going to be in a relationship, it would be with one of them, not with some stranger I didn't even know. That seems weird to me, finding a stranger outside of my day to day life to be a life partner. That's like shopping at Sears when you are a NY and Co kind of girl, or going out for BBQ when what you really want is Sushi. I think what I have is fantastic, all of it, and it works, and nobody knows what the future will bring so all I can do is to do what feels right. I'm really blessed to have people who care about me, not just my guy friends, but other friends too.
I went grocery shopping for a friend whose slimebag landlord didn't pay their electric and has gone missing and their electric got cut off and they only have one car. She had to BBQ dinner as they have an electric range, so when I came back with her hot dogs and buns and juice boxes, I added chips and Kielbasa and ketchup and some matches for the candles in her house and we had a nice dinner outside, I put on one of her sweaters to stay warm and our kids played all together in the yard. Tomorrow she'll use my car while I'm at class and come over here to do laundry and shower and use my computer for her school work and to stay warm as her house is cold, no electricity to run the furnace fan. We'll meet tomorrow at the school for breakfast (kids eat free) and I'm bringing her a Thermos of coffee. That is the kind of town I live in, I've only been here since last August and my husband ate up time between September and January. I've settled in really well. I have a life that works for me and makes sense. I am glad to be connected to people in meaningful relationships. I realize not everyone is this fortunate when they leave a marriage. But it's what I made a priority when I left my marriage. Belonging to communities and to have connections to other people that are real and honest. Probably being a Quaker helps, but I'm a Quaker because of who I am and not the other way around. Pretty much Quakers are where they are when they are there, just being according to how they feel their spirit moves them to be. For whatever reason, this has been a good path for me. Spiritually challenging, but rewarding. I saw one of my guy's sisters today and her husband and they were incredibly kind to me, not like the other sister had been (not sure how she would be now...) and they said someone would call me when they knew when and where he would be moved next. That it's not decided that he would be moved so far away, to the other side of our state, it would be almost 1 1/2 hours away from me. That would be tough. The first hospital was 1 hour at regular speed (hahah) the place he's in now is 20 minutes but I don't go every day as we are both 'working'. So I go 2 or three times a week. Since I'm not doing the caregiving I was doing before, it is okay. It's also good for me to know that he doesn't forget me if he doens't see me for a few days at a time, it builds security, and he still feels the same way and I do too. I always think I won't, that it's impractical , that I'm been foolish, but then we spend time together and I realize that it's useless, I do love him and in fact told him the night before all this happened that I would be with him no matter, even if he were disabled, and I guess I knew my heart then, and how I would feel. It's not like I'm living up to a promise, so much as feeling how I knew I would feel. I never had this feeling before. Probably why my marriages failed, I married people I didn't feel that way about. (Wrong!) But I had no clue that I could feel this way, because I'd never felt this way before. Anyway, I'm 50, and I'm sure I have had enough relationships that were bad to know what feels right depsite the circumstances.
Re: Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
Thanks Deejo. I do feel at peace with everything. It's not like my life would go very well if I made choices that were inconsistent with my heart. I think that would be a good way to really f*ck myself over. Already BTDT with the former marriage. I didn't come this far with my beliefs to give up on them. I think my man made a pretty good choice, he said that I am a true believer, he is right. I test it again and again, and it always ends up right back where it is.
Re: Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking.
It's okay. It's so complicated it wouldn't make much sense unless you'd been following along to begin with.
Last summer I remember I was absolutely crazy about this guy, and happy to have moved out on my own...and my husband wanted another chance and I gave it to him, my friend supported me in this, he understood how it was with me, and marriage. He waited from August through late January. I filed for divorce in early January, and then waited a month before I let him know what I did. Then we got together, he was crazy about me, too. Two weeks later he had a brain hemorrhage. He is still in rehab. It's been rough. I suffered abuse from his sister who is his guardian. They weren't close. I continued to see him despite being anxious at the possibility of more abuse. I see him less now he is in rehabilitation...I have two times a week I can see him safely without the sister being there, sometimes I go in other times in the evening, the state-appointed attorney told me she would have to get a restraining order and show cause why I shouldn't be there, but he wants me to be there and identifies me as his girlfriend so that would be tough to do, even for a guardian. The staff treat me kindly, one of his other sisters today treated me kindly. There is a woman, a lesbian, from our dance studio who has some kind of personality disorder, that has lashed out at me, apparently she missed the memo about our relationship and wondered why I was spending so much time at the hospital with him...it's complicated, but he doesn't want me to go away, and I don't want to either. It's kind of strange having a relationship where almost everything is stripped away from your day to day life except love. But in a very strange and unexpected way it is also a very powerful thing, to have everything stripped away and to have that, and realize that even though it's all you've got, it is everything.
3Likes 
Well, here's one I never thought I would be asking. 
