What a whirlwind of a few days. Went to my first counseling session on Thursday and I broke down and cried for the first time in over a year and a half. I started talking and the next thing I knew the hour was up. Obviously, I haven't had anyone in my life that I could just open up to and allow me to talk about what I feel. It is definitely true that men do not have the support network and are taught at an early age to suppress their feelings. I needed that session. Now, will think more about moving forward in the next session.
Friday was the day my ex got married, a year and 2 months after our divorce. Of course, she has been seeing the other dude for over 2 yrs. I really think they will make it. They are identical people. I just have to make it to the point where that is ok. That's what I'm striving for. Complete indifference. Not like I want that crazy chick back anyway. My life has so much less drama with her not being here every day.
Went to my folks to do manual labor on the farm all day Friday. Got in my truck early evening to drive home and picked up my phone for the first time all day. Had a text from the OM's exwife. She wanted to grab a beer. We txt every now and then to check up on each other but I had not seen her in more than a year when we met to exchange evidence of the affair right before the divorce was final.
Ended up having a few drinks and the conversation lasted over 3 hours. The first hour was devoted to sharing some war stories about the ex spouses. I could finish her sentences and vice versa. It was creepy to a point. But, the last 2 hours of the conversation had nothing to do with the OM or my exwife. We were just two people who are at the same point in life and trying to move forward. Creepy again how similar of a place her and I are in regarding thinking about the future, etc. It was nice to just talk to someone else who went through the same thing as myself and was still seeking personal answers about the future.
Now, I have my daughter for the next week. We already went swimming and I'm looking forward to spending some time with her.
I haven't been home more than just to sleep and shower over the last 3 days. This is something I will have to continue doing. I cannot allow myself to sit here alone anymore.
I'm really glad you are doing well and beginning to really open up. The more you learn to express your feelings and self-reflect, the easier it will become. Good luck with this new chapter! Posted via Mobile Device
Sounds like anohter chapter has been closed in your relationship with your ex. Part of me wishes my ex would marry so I could make sure the nails are secure on the door we shut when we divorced.
Sounds like you are making it and I'm in your same type of boat. I try to keep busy myself. I was only home for a few hours on Saturday after a whirlwind of activities (mainly golf) this past weekend starting Early Friday monring. Heck I didn't even sleep in my house on Saturday night.
Take care and I hope you have a gerat time with your daughter.
It was hard but I asked my 4 yr old if she enjoyed the wedding. We talked about it for a while. I actually found it amusing how they wanted this "traditional" wedding and spent a ton of money on it and the honeymoon after both of them have now broken up two families with their infidelity. She deserves to wed in a church in a white dress! lol
Also found out that they didn't get the house that they wanted and it was a nice dang home. I don't get how they could even think about affording it? My ex is now doing the exact same thing for a 3rd time. I would love to call him an idiot but then I have to remember that I agreed to the same thing 4 years ago as I wanted to make her happy. Now that my ex has this in her head there is no stopping it. They will own a big home before Christmas.
Only bad thing is when they do crash and burn financially she will come after me for money. I've got to do a better job documenting things now because it is going to get silly here in a year or two.
Also asked the other ex wife last weekend when we met if my ex ever speaks to her when they pick up his daughter. She said that my ex sometimes sits in the car and will not even waive and will not acknowledge her presence. I didn't think she would like being a step-mom and not being in control. But, they only see his daughter every other weekend. This dude left his wife (who is pretty darn good looking and sweet as can be) for my ex who has been married twice and has children from both marriages. Good choice, brother! haha.
I find it awesome that I am able to laugh a little about this stuff now. Before it really bothered me but his ex helped me to remember the bad things. I kind of got back into the blaming myself mode and remembering all of the dumba$$ things I did and said. But, it is ok to remember the things I did to contribute to the downfall of the marriage but I cannot dwell on them anymore. I must just use them to remind me never to do it again. To learn from my mistakes.
On another note. I am having one heck of a time going anywhere and handling all of the beautiful women I see. Summer makes it worst because the skin is showing and they are tan and, well, you get the point. I want to have someone. I miss the physical touch. I miss having someone to come home to. I have a date next weekend with a new gal and I'm ready to just relax and talk. I already know this is not someone who I would date but it won't hurt to make a new friend and it also gives me a chance to get out of the house again.
My daughter and I are having a ball this week. Just wish it wasn't so damn hot outside.
Best 5 day stretch I've had since the divorce. Had a few grenades thrown at me from other aspects of my life but I was able to think it through and brush them aside pretty quickly. Victory is going to be mine.
Paradise don't become emotionally involved with the first or even the 5th woman you meet. Plan to date at lest 10 or so women before you begin to look for someone you would like a serious relationship.
There are plenty of eligible woman who are not put off by a divorced man with a child or even 3. I think you are ready to Take the plunge now but don't let youself esteem sink or swim on the basis of success or failure. That has to come from the core of your being. . Do you have male friends? If not, cultivate some, maybe from a group in a shared activity.
That is important when you are in a relationship. It keeps you from becoming emotionally isolated and depending on your partner to meet all of your emotional needs. You also don't stay in a relationship that is bad but you are reluctant to leave because the partner is your only emotional support. The best of luck on your new exciting journey! Posted via Mobile Device
You make great points here and I am well aware of this. I have already dated and even had a few mini-relationships. First one would definitely meet the criteria you stated above! The second one was fine but we were just not right for each other. If I was just wanting a relationship just to have one then I could have with that lady.
There have been others who I was interested in but the interest was not reciprocated. At first I did take this hard as my self-esteem was at an all-time low, but it is coming back....Slowly, but I can see and feel it.
As for the "male friends" issue...Well, all of my "friends" are married with kids so I really don't have close male friends. That was one of my issues in my marriage and I do agree I need to spend some time cultivating those friendships. Most of my male friends I did have were at my old town and old job and I really don't think they knew what to say to me during and after the divorce. I can't blame them. I wouldn't have known what to say to someone either if I didn't go through it.
Honestly, I'm not sure what the point is in marriage anymore. It's basically like graduation from dating. I think my idea of marriage was "through thick and thin, til death" and all of that crap. Not sure I believe in that anymore. Especially since we live in this current "what have you done for me lately" society.
I am just reading through this thread and thought I'd jump in (because that's what I do )
You aren't the first person to ask this. My divorce will be final in a month (fingers crossed) and my mom has told me not to get married again, just live with them. She said since we weren't going to have babies why worry!!? This is my 66 yr old mother who was pro-marriage but has seen so many marriages that are in middle aged and w/ kids already in the mix.
My personal thought which someone I fall for may be able to change my mind but for now:
I like marriage. I think it's too easy to leave if it's just a 'live in' situation. But I love living w/ someone. Cooking for them. Waking up w/ them. Sex anytime of the day. Touching as we walk past each other. Chatting. Just being able to gaze at them... I love living w/ someone that I can adore 24/7. But to have absolutely no commitment from them makes it hard for me. I may feel like someone is just using the other. Does that make sense?
Dating is a slippery slope. I have met someone and now dated for about 7 months. What I struggle with weekly about is I'm not sure where the relationship is headed and I don't want to hurt/use someone to fill a void like Nice mentioned. The way I've come to terms is I've been open with her about my feelings and thoughts. I've told her I'm trying to solve tons of things because my life was completely flipped upside down last year and my girls come first. She understands and realizes I need my space. We talk daily and see each other around once or twice a week. But a version of that I'm thinking and feeling seems to come up every month or so. Which i'm fine in telling and explaining. She seems to appreciate that.
I wish you well and look forward to hearing about your progress if you care to tell it.
Women may not like what you have to say in the beginning of your honesty ... but it will be liked and respected. Trust me on this. I had dated a guy for 4 wks and he was going back and forth on the fact he didn't want little ppl in a relationship. He was honest w/ me about why we couldn't ever be more than FWB if that's what I wanted. I respect him. I know if I ever need a FWB he's there, but I also know to move on. Honesty is good.
Moved into my two bedroom apartment this weekend! My daughter now has a room for herself and the extra work on my parents farm over the summer allowed me to buy some furniture for her room. Found an entire set on craigslist. That place is becoming my new best friend! I like it so far but I still miss owning my home.
I remember when the ex and I started building our house and I wanted to find an old home to remodel and fix up. She wanted to build a new home. Looking back that house really put a damper on our relationship. It never did feel like a home. The day I'm done paying for the debt on that place will be one of the happiest days of my life! I'm going to do it my way next time but I will never again allow a home to own me.
I was wondering if I was going to have any backslides due to my ex getting married but amazingly I have felt nothing. Matter of fact, I have not thought about it at all. It's been long enough and I've let go of what "we" had so it really does not matter. My entire focus is and has been on the future. It's really too bad, though, how long it takes financially to move forward following a divorce. I know several on here are in the same situation but it's hard writing those checks every month paying for something that I never wanted in the first place. I realize in the long run financially I'll be a lot better off than I would have been if we had stayed together but it is still going to take a few years to get on solid ground. I'm still not very patient with regard to my financial issues. So many things I want to do and have and places I want to go but I continue to put them on stand-by. Sometimes I wonder, is this all that life has to offer? Guess it is all part of this wonderful learning experience I have the joy of partaking in.
There are only 2 things I am still bitter about. One is the financial aspect. My ex was able to move on with someone else and compile finances with her new hubby so they are living the good life. Vacations, new home in the works, etc. I still don't know how they are doing it. The other thing is my daughter. I still feel sad for her but she is doing well. I'm proud of myself that I've been a steady influence and role model for her since the divorce. I have been able to give her my undivided attention when I have her and I just have to believe that in the long run it will pay off.
Not really much to add or much to say. My life has been, well, dare I say steady for the first time in over a year. I feel a strange sense of peace and even though I have a long way to go I look back on my life a year ago and there is absolutely no comparison.
Still missing having "someone" in my life, but I have accepted that it will happen when it is suppose to happen. I don't understand the purpose or the reason why the last year plus of my life has gone the way it has but I have accepted it and am ok with it for now. Guess I'm sort of in the midst of a calm spell in my life right now. I know one thing is certain and that is I am ok being alone. I do not need someone but would love to find the one that enhances my life. It's nice to reach that point.
YES!! congratulations Paradise!
So nice to have a place of your own, so nice to be your own man. That peaceful place.
I still cave occasionally to the sense of disappointment in the past year or two of my life. NEVER wouldve thought this was where I would be, and its a real shocker. I think still, part of me is coping with the complete tilling of the field..
But you nailed it right there, that whole concept of taking it easy. I miss the touch of a woman too, and havent gone out looking or dating or talking to women at all. Ive just been keeping out of the game for a little while. This heart is guarded for awhile.
I got a call from an old buddy of mine who needs a singer, and the thought really stuck with me. Ive sang in bands for fourteen years until the last three years Ive shunned the whole scene.
Maybe I'll load up the JBL's and head over there..
Good for you Paradise. I enjoy reading good posts about progress people make. It makes it a little easier for me I think. (Sorry selfish I know). Kicka$$ on the progress to give you daughter her own space while in your home.
thanks for the words of support. I just can't seem to get my finger on the issue. Maybe I will never figure it out. I know I enjoy spending time with this woman and we talk all the time so those are positives. I need to figure out how to focus on those facts and enjoy the now but I struggle hoping I'm not stringing her along in some way.
Hello all. Sorry this turned out to be very long. I'm writing a lot here trying to make sense of some things so don't feel bad if you skip this post.
Well, my summer is almost over. I have managed to waste a lot of days on this computer and not really living and I'm realizing that it is about time for me to quit playing on the internet and get back into the swing of things. There's always a list of things to do a mile long and to be honest I have kind of wasted away time. It has not been a total waste. I have spent lots of really quality time with my daughter and we have made some awesome memories.
Was talking to my "girl friend" about a week ago and after I had made a few comments about things regarding my kid, my ex, my possible future, etc she asked me if I was ever going to be divorced. In addition to a few other things she said to me this comment really resonated. She woke me up.
So, after spending a week or so in my cocoon and a weekend at the book store reading and thinking I have come to a few conclusions.
First and most important, I am scared to death....Of EVERYTHING. I am scared to let anyone get close to me. I am scared of my job that I started last year. I am intimidated by those I work with. I am scared to talk to women for fear of rejection and if I do somehow attract them I get scared of letting them get close so I push them away. I'm scared if I'm not a perfect father then my daughter will get taken away from me. I'm scared what the ex is going to try to do at the end of this year when my daughter will begin school. I'm scared because I left a job where I was kind of "the man" and now I'm treated like absolute crap. I'm scared of waking up a year from now and feeling exactly the way I am feeling right now.
I could go on. I realize that I have been hiding it to everyone but I have so much anxiety every night before bed that I can hardly ever sleep. I fear the following day. I dread it. And I am miserable. I put on a good face each day and act like I'm doing great and am happy but inside I am torn apart with fear. Funny thing is, I've always been a nice, respectful person, and my self esteem and confidence use to be very high. Now, I'm scared of everything. Anxiety consumes me right now. My diet, health, self esteem, etc. All of it is in the sh!tter right now. Why do I allow people to have so much control over me now? I was never this way before. This is beyond the ex. It has now permeated my entire life.
I know the rollercoaster of emotions that I go through is due to the fact that I don't have high self-esteem right now. I'm not sure how it happened. Did I allow my ex to completely strip that away from me? Was my pride damaged so much I'm still licking my wounds? How did I become such a pu$$y? I'm allowing people to bully me now when in the past I would have told them to F-off and not have wasted another moment thinking about them.
I have taken my profiles down off of the dating sites I was on. Waste of time right now. I'm searching for something that I'm not going to find there. I'm attracting people who are like me right now and I don't want them. It's time I quit trying to make it happen and figure out who I am and where I am going before I allow anyone else into my life. Fact is, I am not ready for a relationship. Hell, I've dated enough. I don't really like it. Other than desiring a female's touch i really don't have any room for one in my life yet. And yes....I'm scared that I'm going to be alone forever....But, do I really want to put someone through the fire with me as I try to heal from this mess?
I'm actually glad that I have woken up and seen some things that I am allowing to happen. The fear, the anxiety, the self-esteem issues. These are all on me and I recognize them. I accept it. But....it is going to take a hell of a lot of work to overcome this and I'm "afraid" I might not be able to do it. Yes, afraid.....
Not sure how much longer I'm going to be on here. I feel like I need to take a break from this site. I really feel I am at this sort of cross-roads in life and this is a significant moment. Like I can continue doing what I am doing and live an ok life and suppress all of my fears like I've been doing and continue to hide when it gets too scary or I can choose another route and see where it takes me and embrace my fears and challenge them.
I have no answers. I have no idea where I am going. I have no idea where life is leading me. I just feel like I'm at this major point where I need to make a huge decision that may affect the path of the rest of my life.
I fear not living life to its fullest. I fear going through the rest of my days just allowing things to happen to me. I'm tired of reacting to everyone else. I'm tired of not understanding my purpose and not having confidence in myself to go out each day and kick a$$.
Wish me luck on this next phase. I really do feel like this is a major turning point for me.