So, today I'm playing with my child in a fountain in a city park near where I live and there is a nice looking lady sitting close to me. We start striking up a conversation while the kids played in the water for a while. It was nice just to sit there and chat with a member of the opposite sex and talk the afternoon away. She lives 10 hours away so I eliminated the thought of asking her out but it was still just a really good time.
On the drive home I was thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about the last girl I dated a bit, the lady I was talking to today, the potential dates that my friends have been trying to set me up on, and yes, a little about the ex. What really struck me was how little I was actually thinking about my ex. A year ago, with the divorce still very fresh, she was the first thought of my day and just dominated my thoughts. My days were emotional roller coasters. I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it. Emotionally, I was all over the place.
Now, I'm a bit embarrassed by how hard I took everything. I'm embarrassed that she just moved on, moved in with her new man, and is now going to be married soon and I was stuck in a rut for so long. Just kind of made me realize that she checked out 2 years ago but didn't have the balls to either fix things with us or leave. She waited around and used me until she could find something else to replace it all and then leave.
Back to my original thoughts....I realized on the way home that I am indeed ok with myself right now. I'm ok being alone. I don't have to have someone although the adult conversation today was really nice. I find myself not looking for a relationship but at the same time noticing all of the nice ladies who are out there. It took a year but I feel like I have now gotten to the point where I am ready to start allowing myself to open up a bit to someone new and to allow another into my world. I feel like I am strong enough to accept that I may not be right for everyone, and I won't ever allow myself to be something I am not just so another person will want me. Nor do I want to pressure anyone into being something they aren't. Looking back, I think my ex became what I wanted but she could only keep it up for so long. She was scared to be on her own and after we hooked up she said all the right things and did all the right things, even though deep down I knew it was all wrong.
Strange, but I felt like I have somewhat turned a corner. Like all of the turmoil in my life and all of the sadness and anger and depressing moments just somehow phased away over the past year without me really noticing. Somehow my life has started to take shape, although it has not been easy. New job, new home, new life. A year ago I just completely blew the old life up. Walked away. Yes, some ridiculed me for that. I lost a few friends, I walked away from a wonderful job, I buried what was left of "comfortable" at that point. Guess I just figured that if my ex wanted out and away from me so bad then I would just completely start over on my own. True, in some sense I'm sure my decision to leave everything made it harder for me in the beginning, but I am now seeing that it was most likely the best decision...Either that or I am now starting to just make the best of my decision. Don't know how that works yet.
So, I'm sitting here now thinking that perhaps this is my time. Time for me to jump back into life with two feet. That it is time to finally disassemble the old roller coaster and enjoy the new ride that I have embarked upon and enjoy the new scenery a bit more. And, perhaps if I am lucky enough I'll find some new friends and perhaps a new lady to join in and enjoy the ride with me.
Self awareness is great and all ... but it doesn't really mean squat until you actually DO something with it.
The doing is when things start to change around you. Congratulations, you made it. As for the embarassing part? Don't fret that stuff. When it comes down to it, it says something GOOD about you and how you value the intimate ties that you forge. I don't look back on my marriage and feel like a sucker ... not anymore.
It just is ... or was. We learn. We accept. We adjust. We move on.
So, I'm sitting here now thinking that perhaps this is my time. Time for me to jump back into life with two feet. That it is time to finally disassemble the old roller coaster and enjoy the new ride that I have embarked upon and enjoy the new scenery a bit more. And, perhaps if I am lucky enough I'll find some new friends and perhaps a new lady to join in and enjoy the ride with me.
Sounds good. Reminds me of something I hear watching TV with my kids: "Ferb, I know what we are going to do today..."
Worked a special olympics track meet this weekend. I really think this is something that everyone should do at least once in their lives. After I got home I really didn't have any desire to go out so I just sat here last night thinking. I looked at those kids and saw so much enthusiasm for life. It was their day and they were going to enjoy it. I also got more hugs and high fives in one day than I have ever before gotten in my life.
Dance class tomorrow night, continuing to step out of my comfort zone and get moving on with life. I'll get a bit of a break from my job in a few weeks so I'm looking forward to that.
I'm not going to waste time in the past anymore. It is time to climb a new mountain. I've been sitting at the bottom for a year wondering which mountain to climb. Have decided it really doesn't matter which one as long as I'm moving up.
Was at Special Olympics on Friday for my son, with our 21st century family ... my kids, ex, and the boyfriend
Anyone that thinks 'people suck' needs to attend one of these events. If what these kids experience, and those who volunteer and advocate for them, don't touch you ... then other people aren't the problem.
Yes, Deejo, some people don't have a pulse. But, when you see all of those volunteers working these events (and it takes hundreds) then you do see some good in the world.
We had a group of bikers who were timing at the finish line. They were awesome. The kids loved them. Wal-mart sent a group helping kids to their awards, a high school football team was there surrounding the track cheering on the athletes and working an event. A group of bankers were there as well wearing shorts, T-shirts, and ties. Funny as heck. Hard not to get choked up here and there when you see that many people putting themselves aside for an afternoon.
This is the type of thing I should have done before my mess of a divorce instead of wallowing in my own self pity.
So, today I'm playing with my child in a fountain in a city park near where I live and there is a nice looking lady sitting close to me. We start striking up a conversation while the kids played in the water for a while. It was nice just to sit there and chat with a member of the opposite sex and talk the afternoon away. She lives 10 hours away so I eliminated the thought of asking her out but it was still just a really good time.
On the drive home I was thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about the last girl I dated a bit, the lady I was talking to today, the potential dates that my friends have been trying to set me up on, and yes, a little about the ex. What really struck me was how little I was actually thinking about my ex. A year ago, with the divorce still very fresh, she was the first thought of my day and just dominated my thoughts. My days were emotional roller coasters. I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it. Emotionally, I was all over the place.
Now, I'm a bit embarrassed by how hard I took everything. I'm embarrassed that she just moved on, moved in with her new man, and is now going to be married soon and I was stuck in a rut for so long. Just kind of made me realize that she checked out 2 years ago but didn't have the balls to either fix things with us or leave. She waited around and used me until she could find something else to replace it all and then leave.
Back to my original thoughts....I realized on the way home that I am indeed ok with myself right now. I'm ok being alone. I don't have to have someone although the adult conversation today was really nice. I find myself not looking for a relationship but at the same time noticing all of the nice ladies who are out there. It took a year but I feel like I have now gotten to the point where I am ready to start allowing myself to open up a bit to someone new and to allow another into my world. I feel like I am strong enough to accept that I may not be right for everyone, and I won't ever allow myself to be something I am not just so another person will want me. Nor do I want to pressure anyone into being something they aren't. Looking back, I think my ex became what I wanted but she could only keep it up for so long. She was scared to be on her own and after we hooked up she said all the right things and did all the right things, even though deep down I knew it was all wrong.
Strange, but I felt like I have somewhat turned a corner. Like all of the turmoil in my life and all of the sadness and anger and depressing moments just somehow phased away over the past year without me really noticing. Somehow my life has started to take shape, although it has not been easy. New job, new home, new life. A year ago I just completely blew the old life up. Walked away. Yes, some ridiculed me for that. I lost a few friends, I walked away from a wonderful job, I buried what was left of "comfortable" at that point. Guess I just figured that if my ex wanted out and away from me so bad then I would just completely start over on my own. True, in some sense I'm sure my decision to leave everything made it harder for me in the beginning, but I am now seeing that it was most likely the best decision...Either that or I am now starting to just make the best of my decision. Don't know how that works yet.
So, I'm sitting here now thinking that perhaps this is my time. Time for me to jump back into life with two feet. That it is time to finally disassemble the old roller coaster and enjoy the new ride that I have embarked upon and enjoy the new scenery a bit more. And, perhaps if I am lucky enough I'll find some new friends and perhaps a new lady to join in and enjoy the ride with me.
To be continued....
WOW! As I was reading your story I couldn't help but see the many similarities of what I was (and currently am) going through.
Paradise, I love the mountain analogy, thought I was at the top for a long time, realized I'd been slipping down and now that I have been at the bottom, its time to pick myself up and start the climb all over again.
I think life is kind of like climbing a mountain. sometimes you slip a little and go backwards, sometimes you completely fall on you arse and find yourself at the bottom again. I think a lot of people (myself included over the past year) fell pretty hard and are scared to start climbing again. Kind of like my teaching my 4 year old riding a bike. Fall down, be scared, get back up, dust off, try again.
I'll admit, over the past year I've been scared. Not really sure why. Still haven't decided why I let someone who does not want me control my choices in life. It really doesn't make any sense. In the end, the rejection and replacement really put a damper on my self-esteem and then the thought of picking myself back up and doing it all alone for the first time in years was just a difficult concept to grasp. Just could not ever figure out how someone could say they are going to love you forever pack up and move on that quickly.
And you know what? I won't ever know....I don't think like that and I'm glad I don't. I'm not like my ex and I must be grateful for that because when I do find the lady I'm going to share my life with she will be getting me forever. Through thick and thin.
I also know that in the ex's eyes I am completely at fault. That's finally ok with me. For so long I believed her. I know what I contributed to the problems in the marriage. But, the only way i got any closure at all was from within. I spent a long time trying to figure everything out and spent a long time chasing bunnies around in my mind. Can't pinpoint when I determined that to be futile but it just kind of phased away. No trumpets, no voice calling me at night to tell me it's time to move on....None of that. Guess I finally just got tired of searching for that answer and decided to bury it.
Sorry for being all over the place, folks. My thoughts are racing faster than I can type. Guess that is what this site is for, eh?
Slipped a bit down the mountain at the start of this weekend but quickly pulled it back together. a year ago I would be wallowing at the bottom in despair, feeling sorry for myself. This time, called a few people and found out that the other side isn't quite as peachy as I thought.
ex is getting married soon and has forced this on all of the kids. They are acting like a big happy family. But, it's easy to act like that when the wedding is all about them. My child has mentioned a few things about the wedding but is still too young to really understand it all. Will eventually, though. I just change the subject right now and move on.
Went to the grocery store a few days ago and saw the most amazing woman I've ever laid eyes on. She gave me a smile that just about did me in. Of course I was too chicken to strike up a conversation but at the same time it made me realize a few things. I am still not 100% healed. My self-esteem still is not all that great.
I'm not a player and am not "smooth" by any means. But I caught myself still thinking "this woman is completely out of my league." WTH? Why? I'm decent looking, I've got a good job, why think that way about myself? What if I am exactly what she finds attractive? But, I didn't "go for it" because I was 99.9% certain that she was too good for a divorce single father.
Just made me aware that there is still some work to be done. FOR ME! This is not about the ex, not about my child, not about anything else other than just working on "me" and becoming the best, most confident, happy, and healthy person I can.
Maybe you SHOULD be more like a player.
Part of my prescription plan for middle aged divorced dudes that fall on the 'Nice Guy' spectrum is to purchase a pickup artist, or dating book.
Not so that you can become a pickup artist. So that you can become intimately familiar with how relationship and attraction dynamics work. Would recommend the original 'Mystery Method'. I'm absolutely serious.
Had a date Saturday. Had a date Sunday. Have a date with a woman that I am VERY attracted to next weekend. Date #2.
I wouldn't call myself a player. But ... I'm now perfectly comfortable describing myself as smooth. I don't mean in a 'picking up women' way. I mean with myself ... and particularly with others be they male or female. I am very confident and comfortable interacting ... and in a nutshell ... THAT is attractive.
Dating can help you heal as long as you are grounded enough to define your purpose for dating.
If it is simply to get yourself out there, involved, and learn how to interact with people ... then I say go for it.
If it is intended as an emotional bandaid, well ... that just won't go well for anyone.
Sounds like you are on the right track. Don't worry about the slips. Don't fret about them, don't dwell on them. Acknowledge the pain or sadness, feel it, then let it go and move on.
One of the most unusual corollaries of having to go through the pain of a failed marriage, is that if you truly do invest in yourself and do the work ... the end result is that the failed relationship becomes the catalyst and engine for creating a better version of yourself.
I like who I am. I'm more in tune. I'm more effective. I carry myself differently. I dress better. All in all, I am much more aware of my life, those around me, and how their lives impact mine. People see it ... and they comment on it.
I'm not happy to be divorced. But ... had I remained in an unsatisfying and struggling marriage, I would not be the man I am now.
And if anything, I know how difficult it can be when you are suffering with betrayal, heartbreak, and hardship.
Been thinking about something that is often posted on here. Most of us at some point states how we hope the karma train kicks into high gear and blows our exs off the face of the planet, or for them to finally have an awakening and see the light and realize that we were indeed the greatest thing since sliced bread. What's the point?
I've almost reached the point of indifference. Complete and total. I think before I really didn't care what my ex did or is doing, but deep down I hoped that after a year of being divorced I would be better off than she would be. Seems kind of childish.
Fact is, my ex is a stranger now. I have a hard time even remembering any of the specifics of my marriage.....Only thing I remember is the feeling of pain in the end. I never got any closure to that. Never got an apology. And....I never will. But, I'm ok with that.
I am honestly to the point where, good or bad, I really don't care what happens to my ex any more than I would someone I don't know that I pass walking down the street. It's a nice place to be. Now, does this mean I want to be friends with her? Not a chance. I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I'm not totally stupid. I know maintaining my distance is the best because I still know what she is like. But, at least I can say that I don't hold a bunch of resentment towards her anymore. I aided in the breakdown of our marriage. Yes, she was having an EA/PA for over a year, but you know, I can accept why she was unhappy to a certain extent.
Big thing now is the fact that I do know and very much understand what I did to create the marriage stress and now I can act to not let that ever happen again. Will she go down the same path with Number 3 hubby that she went down with me and number 1? Who knows and who cares.
Maybe you SHOULD be more like a player.
Part of my prescription plan for middle aged divorced dudes that fall on the 'Nice Guy' spectrum is to purchase a pickup artist, or dating book.
Not so that you can become a pickup artist. So that you can become intimately familiar with how relationship and attraction dynamics work. Would recommend the original 'Mystery Method'. I'm absolutely serious.
I read that book!!! No, I don't want to be a pickup artist but I did learn some things from reading it.
My problem right now is that I pursue a lady and if I get a date or a 2 month mini-relationship then that is great and it pretty much stops then. The ones who turn me down or blow me off are the ladies I can't get out of my head.
May get to psychological here (or psychotic)....but, I almost think that after being rejected by the ex for so long and trying to make it work I have become somewhat conditioned to chasing after anyone who rejects me. Then once I accomplish my mission I get bored. Not a characteristic I want to possess.
I have become somewhat conditioned to chasing after anyone who rejects me. Then once I accomplish my mission I get bored. Not a characteristic I want to possess.
Ditto. It’s human nature to chase that which retreats.
I hate that it always goes this way, and wonder why I can’t seem to value what I have. It’s only a matter of time before I long for a new chase.
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All of this talk about dating...... 
