Jellybeans

I'm in my head a lot these past two days, especially today.

Been a year since the divorce, haven't started dating, just found out my exH is selling our marital home. And I've been thinking:

I don't want to go through this again. Ever. I am afraid and wary of new relationships. I think I am getting the point where I am receptive to dating (a little, but more in a casual sense) but again, it comes back to me being still traumatized by the divorce and the horrible ending to our marriage/relationship and the fact that I never want to be in that dynamic again.

My exH was emotionally abusive and that didn't rear it's head until after we were married. It seems like a mask came off after we were married and I am terrified of this happening again in the future. I would like to have a healthy, loving relationship full of mutual respect and love and am scared to be iced out again, ignored, my needs last and with a partner who doesn't want to put in the same effort I do. I dont want to be given the silent treatment for weeks again.

I still have nightmares with my ex but not as many now. I'm still dealing.

How do I deal with all this? I don't at all ever want to go through this again. My divorce felt like being run over with a truck and then having the truck come back and put in reverse to run over me again. The fact that it was so easy for him to blank me, not work on things and then cut ties so easily after everything but still say he loved me was and still is a total mindfck. Plus it doesn't help that recently he messaged me saying he still thinks of me on a daily basis and I occupy most of his thoughts. What the fvck is that?

Eh.

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Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

Traggy

You are letting the actions of one person dictate whether or not you could be in a serious relationship again. Really sounds like you are still in the grieving process and not quite there yet, but life is to short to allow a single person that treated you poorly to define what you are going to do in the future.

It is kind of like punishing yourself because of someone else mistake, over and over again.

Hope1964

There's no reason you have to get married ever again. There's no reason you have to be in a relationship before you're ready to be. When and if you are ready, you'll know. Till then, enjoy being by yourself to the fullest. Put him behind you. The next time he tells you something so ridiculous, laugh at him. That's what I do when my ex tells me **** like that.

And huge hugs to you. I know it isn't easy.

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Shooboomafoo

Hey JB!!!
Feel the same way as you. Grieving or not, this process has given me a new rule with which to measure, and a lot of people out there are monstrous.
It wasnt just one person either. It was that one person, and then all her friends who knew about the affair but kept silent. It was her family that knew me closely yet had nothing to say to her..
I have a hard time believing that trustworthy people exist anymore, for even in the simplest of issues, some motherfkrs trying to make a buck off a scam.
I find that I am not really interested in being involved with anyone either. I dont have the energy to deal with any more bullsh!t for a long while.

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His delay, is not a denial.

Jellybeans

Oh I am. The divorce was massively traumatizing for me. I know some people can get over it pretty fast but I wasn't/haven't been one of them. I'm in a much better place than I was at one time though so that is a good thing.


Made me laugh

I feel the same way as you do, Shoo.

I think the entire experience for me was very disappointing. I never thought I'd be one of those "divorced people." LOL.

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Hank567

I don't really have any advice for you, but I wanted to chime in and say that you're not alone with the way you're feeling. It is tough. Sometimes I worry my relationship skills are getting rusty, and that if I were in a relationship, I wouldn't know what to do.

nice777guy

I'm right there with you. Feel like I'm stuck in the mud - going nowhere somedays.

Dating? Sounds great - but I'm not exactly in the mood to try and impress anyone.

Is there literally any reason for you to even read his texts? No kids - right?

that_girl

It's only been a year In another year you'll be more healed. Every year will heal you more, until it's just a learning experience.

It does suck though...to think you're "done" with that love stuff. I was there after a heartbreak. Didn't date/couldn't date for 3 years.

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tacoma

This is great.


JB Hope is right ....

You don`t need to get married ever again,( I know I wouldn`t if my marriage didn`t work out) you don`t need to have a serious relationship ever again if that`s the way you want it.
Nothing wrong with that.



..but Traggy is right too..

Just because you may not marry or may not be ready to settle with any one person don`t let your Ex be a reason for not living life and meeting people.
Even and especially people you might want to get a bit more intimate with.

You know when you do you`ll start to feel a little more amenable to a possible relationship.

angelpixie

I could have written your post, JB. I'm also really scare of that person that will come out after a commitment has been made. I miss the things one wants to have with a partner: shared moments, physical affection and intimacy, etc., but I also wanted to share a past and dreams for the future. That was totally shattered, and I feel like I don't know if getting into another relationship would be worth all the downsides. I mean, who says there is someone out there who would feel the same way I would? And to waste all of the time and energy, possibly only to end up where we've all ended up -- one more time...sigh.
I think for someone who just rides across the surface of life, it may seem like we're making too big a deal of this. But when you really feel deeply and commit totally, being abused and/or devalued and/or betrayed and/or left just seems too scarring to ever be able to walk into anything with a sense of real hope. I think I'm always going to keep a piece of me guarded 'just in case.' That makes me very sad.

waroftheroses

Hi Jelly....
Still creeping your blogs....ha ha .....
Like you my divorce is now just over 1 year old....27 years married....30 in total together...

I still have days similar to total shell shock syndrome and like SHOO...(who I read vividly) still cannot believe how our supposed 'friends' who knew what she was up to betrayed me so easily...As for her family...its as if I never existed...

My 'ex' too has sold the house we bought together...which is strange as she was so adamant that she needed it and insisted on 'buying me out'!!

I truly wish you happiness....somewhere out there..he's waiting...for your smile...your touch ....and your kiss..

Take care ... xx
G

Jellybeans

Great insight, everyone.

Amen, sista!

True facts and I'm not sure I ever would again.

Yeah intimacy would be nice. It's been awhile!!! Haha.

Angel, you are so in my head! This is exactly how I feel!!!
And I'm still (relatively) young, thirty-one, so it would be nice to share my life with someone again but... the thought of it ending up like this again is heart-wrenching to even think about.

Feel free to creep my blog. LOL. And Oh gosh I can't even imagine what it would be like to share 30 years with someone and then just... nothing. My heart goes out to you. You will come out on the other side though.

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madaboutlove

War-sounds just like me, 28 years married, this Friday would be 30 years since our first date. Sucks to be here, but when my D is final this month, I am going to use that date to look no where but forward. I am a great woman, a great mom and friend and daughter and all kinds of other things and letting me go was a bad decision on his part.

I am going to let myself be open to new experiences, meeting new people and letting myself shine through.

Jelly-you have shared such thoughtful comments here, I hope you let someone see how special you are and stop judging yourself through the eyes of your Ex. He is just trying to continue keeping you under his thumb, stop taking his texts, that is nothing but a power trip and keeping you hoping for more from him.

Look forward, learn from the past but don't live there.

Catherine602

Jellie there were probably red flags that you did not recognize.

Let me ask
1. did you have disagreement before marriage - how did it go - did he give in all the time or did he avoid confrontation or did he always have to win?

2. was he supper sweet and loving all of the time? So much so that you were swept off your feet and got emotionally attaches quickly?

3. how long did you know him before marriage?

4. how was he with his family and friends?

5. how did he treat people who couldn't do anything for him or who was lower in rank and could not say anything back?

6. did you ever see him angry?

7. was he the life of the party and need to be the center of attention?

8. was he very charming and seductive to people?

I don't think people with mental problems are able to conceal their pathology for long. They pick the person they want for a relationship carefully.

The person has to be emotionally healthy, have a strong sense of commitment, and have the desire to be there when needed.

In the early stages, they slowly roll out their bag of tricks. Its incremental so you don't notice it. They may work on your sympathy or shower you with attension, gifts, impressive romance.

Any guy who wants a commitment too quickly, may have a problem. If you pass all their test without running, you have them for life.

Don't let him win. It is difficult for a healthy person to get over a relationship with an emotionally abusive person. It is because you have the capacity to self reflect. You wonder if you did something to cause the pathology and if not how you can help.

You emotional health works against you.

What you do is recognize a person with serious problems before you become emotionally involved. Make sure to know who their friends are, their family, see them in different situations. If they behave badly, let them own it.

Never give more than you get - be somewhat selfish in the beginning till you see if they are worth your like or love. Have expectations and boundaries. Communicate them early. That will weed out a lot of losers.

Start dating now, don't look for a relationship just go out with 10 - 15 men just to get your feet wet and get to know what you want. Do the above and by the time you are ready, you will be good at picking out the losers. Not perfect, but good.

There are lots of books on attachment style. Read one so that you know what style is good for you and how to spot them.

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"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

angelpixie

Excellent post, Catherine!