Yeah, confidence in ones level of "having moved on" sometimes seems like an illusion, you're goin along, feelin alright, gettin into some premise of a routine; then like a thin tissue the slightest pressure at the right time can really expose ones lingering fragility. Being a dude, I don't like using that word. So the dose of reality brings a lot of frustration at not having gotten to a point where things the ex does, even rational common things, dredge up a lot of emotions. Mostly sadness, and I think at times I wonder if it's a small residual flicker of wishing she missed me. Boo hoo what a wuss.
I guess I should expect that a box of wedding photos, handed over as a last minute thought when picking up my kid today, old band photos, and some letters to her I had written would hit pretty hard... Some from sooo long ago, all just kind of left me wondering wtf again. Had to look... To look is to doom oneself at least for a few hours.
The band photos,,,, back at a time when I was early twenties, made for a considerable expanse between those days of wanton fun and frivolity ,and what little it suddenly appears I got goin on now in that department. But hey, twenty years later and I'm still broke and in debt, so there's a parallel. Yay. Not to deny the joys and good things,,but you know what I'm sayin. The take home box today from picking up the kid had all that stuff in it. I guess she was just sharing remaining stuff she had found, so to consider it a stab wouldn't do. I'm just wishing I could forego my own torturing that follows..first one being a feeling of being completely scrubbed from someones life, and the lack of true acceptance I evidently still have with her ultimately having moved on. My turn, right? Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap,,,any day now...tap tap tap tap....
I still feel robbed sometimes. For as much as I've professed a sense of liberation, I still sense more to deal with and more to have to grin and bare.*
Maybe it has to do with going over there every day twice a day.
I got to get past the point that it doesnt bother me. Some days its doesnt at all, but when the ex is there and answers the door, and I bet when her OM comes back from whereever he is right now, its going to be a bit harder.
Sucks when patience is the only tool you have to face these things.
Maybe it has to do with going over there every day twice a day.
I got to get past the point that it doesnt bother me. Some days its doesnt at all, but when the ex is there and answers the door, and I bet when her OM comes back from whereever he is right now, its going to be a bit harder.
Sucks when patience is the only tool you have to face these things.
Can't you drop off/pick up from a daycare? To minimize you're exposure to her and vice versa.
My ex was having more money problems, and decided to make last week the last week of daycare for our kid. Up until that point we had been doing the drop off and pick up at daycare and it worked fine. Due to our kid's age and grade in school, she would have only been able to go this summer and then next school year, but then would have reached the age limit after that.
Thing is, I just wish I had more of my sh!t together. Had a "life" now, with friends who go and do things too and invite me. I wish going over to the old house didnt so drastically pronounce my lack of having a life in contrast to hers that never seemed to even have slowed at all.
I am really getting sick of this feeling of being a "has been".
In my mind, I know that I need to get out there and make friends and meet people and be proactive. I am still working through residual anger, acceptance, grief, confusion of my place in life, accepting what and where I see myself now...
This whole divorce sh!t hit at a time when I think I was going through some sort of midlife "concerns". Job that Ive stayed loyal to for so long but now isnt rewarding, other than "having one" compared to so many without. I sometimes think I should be happy, that I should be just jumping for fking joy, but something is squashing that and I cant figure out what it is.
Reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book really hit home with the idea of toxic shame. Half the time I feel embarrassed because when re-reading what I post I end up sounding like a schmuck complaining about things when I should be happy and relieved.
So far Ive been getting better and feeling more solid in my house, and the routines that are being established. I have weeks where I really start feeling better and cling to those feelings for all they are worth. I try to pinpoint what "fear" is making me stumble when considering going out and trying to get together with people.
Has the scale of people I feel betrayed by left me fearful of trying to establish new friendships?
Are some of these feelings still carrying forward from the depressed state I was in prior to the divorce or even knowing anything wrong with the marriage was happening?
Its a shame to spend so much time all shaken up like this. I dont want to waste time anymore.
Enter in, confusion as to my calling in life itself, and the deeper questions man and woman alike ponder whether married or not about their own personal lives. Not trying to get ethereal or blather on about nonsense, I guess theres just days where I feel like Ive watched my whole life swirl down the drain and my mojo is extinguished.
This is probably a bit odd, but have you thought of building a cairn? Each day you put one rock in a pile, and you do it according to where you think the next rock or stone should go. It marks the passage of time, it is like you put all of your burdens from one day into the rock/stone you pick up that day, and you add it to the growing pile. It's a way of marking the passage of time but also giving a physical form to your suffering, the longer you live with suffering, the more friendly you become to what it gives you in terms of personal growth. Cairn building is catchy...you may even find from day to day that someone else is adding to yours. We have several cairns going on in our town. It is common to find them out on paths where people walk.
I like that idea. I wish we had stones lying around to build something like that. Most we might find around here are crushed pieces of concrete or bricks laying around.
This being the first whole week that Ive had to drop off and pick up the kid from the old marital home, now scrubbed completely clean of any traces of daddy, and another man put in place there, like paper dolls on a felt board, ,I kind of knew it was going to be difficult. I dont think I ever got enough time between still living there after the divorce to getting my own place and moving in, I had to constantly see the ex, and witness her life just explode with a new relationship, and a windfall of money, and I get to "Borrow" my kid for a week at a time.
Its one of those situations you cant run from or escape from, and you cant cut the offender out of your life completely because of the mutual involvement with the kid.
I think I needed more time to get my feet under me without being involved with the ex. It puts a different twist to the natural flow of moving on myself. Its hard to get past the anger/grief/acceptance stage.
You can build a cairn with anything, even trash or old bottles.
From a spiritual viewpoint, it sounds like you are gone gone gone from the old house where you used to live. That's a good thing. It means your body/mind/spirit and life energy can be where you're at. Even if you are suffering, that is something that is going to compress what is inside...kind of like how carbon turns to diamonds under pressure.
I had a lot of grief and sufferning and emotional pain lately. It is definitely a process and one that you can't avoid. So embracing it and being courageous and getting through one period of time after another being present in your experience is the best way to go. It's inevitable that everyone suffers at some point in life. Thank goodness we are designed so that we don't all do it at once. Even in periods of national mourning or large-scale disasters, our modern societies have teams of grief counselors who deploy to assist. You can be sure that your close friends do suffer with you, it's not as direct, but please don't ever feel alone in your suffering. If you reach out for support, you also discover how caring the world can be. That's the flip side of really letting your grief have its way with you, you discover all the people who care and who absolutely adore you for cherishing the thing you lost so much that you are broken hearted about losing it or in my case having it threatened.
Do you ever get the feeling that if you let the ex see you in pain or hurting that in some way you are losing face, or are conceeding to her having whipped your ass? I have that pride factor that makes it difficult to go over there and see all that going on over there, but then keep a straight face and act like it doesnt bother me in the least.
In about five minutes I head that way again. Off to the old marital home to pick up the kid. the bushes out front are overgrown, and I remember keeping those so trimmed and nice looking. The lawn is nothing but dirt now. How hard I worked on making that place a nice home to live in. Efforts never given the time of day in consideration. I half expect that the ex just figured it was a man's job to do that stuff.
Anyways, I dont expect her to be home today when I arrive. Its hard to see the dog that she brought home many years ago still there. Even if it was her dog, I became the primary attention giver to it, and its so excited everytime I go over there.
But I have cats, and I cant deal with another animal in the house with the cats already messing everything up already.
I kind of feel like I abandoned that dog too.
Wow, what a fcked up pity party day for me today... Maybe tomorrow will be better.
It's a good thing sometimes to reflect on where you have been.
You need to do that... in order to reflect on where you want to GO in the future.
the ole' saying about the rear view mirror being small, and the winsheild big. Just like driving, you should glance back once in awhile at what is behind you, but you are more focused on what's in front of you Everyone gets that glance, it's more than allowed!
Have you ever done goal setting? It's mundane and boring, but writing it out sometimes helps. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Career, Attitude, Financial, Family, Personal.
Then do a daily goal under each one, so it's just a baby step towards the big goal.
Gives you something to focus on for today, and tomorrow.
I like the advice. I had to start with one goal because I had the attention span of a lab rat at the time. It was simple...Wish I could remember what it was but the day after that I had 2 goals.
Shoo you're getting to a better place, I think. I can see it in your posts. Of course it's going to take a LONG time to 'get over' a marriage, and I wonder if we ever really do get over it, especially if it wasn't our idea in the first place to get the divorce, or have the affair, or whatever. Do they miss us? I don't know. I, too, wish that my ex 'missed' me, but that thinking pulls me back to a place I don't want to be in. Bottom line: we have no control over what the ex feels or doesn't feel where we're concerned.
I realise how dumb setting goals sounds... I laughed at it too.
But it can help. Feeling like a lost soul and your life got ripped out from under you, things did not go the way you planned. Now what?
Well, you build a new life. I'm an avid hiker. I really like the concept of building cairns. See them a lot where I hike. And people repsect them. You go by, you find a rock and you add yours to the pile. Proof you were there, you did the trail.
But still, somedays I'm the tiger, somedays I'm the crying melting mess in the corner of the kitchen But I'm still ME. All my faults intact. It's wonderful to be breathing, at least.
15Likes
the illusion revealed 
Everyone gets that glance, it's more than allowed!
