Hello all, I've been lurking here for a couple of months. My divorce was final, yesterday (Friday). After 30 years of marriage, it's over.
I'm genuinely saddened to read of such pain from those separated or going thru a divorce. I understand how that feels.
What I don't understand is the venom from my EX. She is trashing me around town, to anyone who will listen. No, I'm not doing the same. She wanted the divorce, she didn't' have grounds, other than she was unhappy, and said she didn't love me anymore. We tried MC, she was unmovable. She didn't want separation, just straight on to D. So I agreed to a no fault D.
What I'm hearing is she has a lady friend living with her now, and they are talking about moving to another state..together. She hasn't come out and said they are a couple, but it seems they might be.
But I don't talk about it..she got what she wanted, why can't she just leave me alone? Quit trashing me. Even my daughters seem to be buying her lies. My son, does not. I have not tried to get any of my children to take sides.
Some have suggested, I should celebrate...being free. But strangely, the last thing I feel like doing is..celebrating.
I would guess she is feeling guilty about the divorce and ending a thirty year marriage, even though she was unhappy and possibly a lesbian ending a long term relationship upsets several generations of lives. By disparaging you and turning others against you she is trying to shed her guilt by making it appear divorce was the only option and it was all your fault.
Other friends have told me the same. I am frankly...stunned to think she could have had lesbian tendencies, but looking back, it would explain so much.
I was just never able to make her happy. Which is not to say I was perfect, of course not.
But things took a downturn in the last year, she distanced herself from me emotionally, physically. Then in January, it was over. She went to MC with me, but it was of little use. She wanted no trial separation..nothing, just straight to divorce. I asked for for a few more weeks, months...even a year..just something for 30 years, to try to work things out. Even just a few weeks. But no...said it wouldn't change her feelings.
So..I agreed to a no fault, and she jumped at it.
And now I'm single, and still a bit numb. Hard to believe.
People have a way of rewriting history to make themselves feel better about themselves.
Don't worry about what she's saying about you. It's no longer relevant to your life. Your daughters will eventually figure out what's really true about their parents. Just be yourself, and take the high road with your kids, as you have done.
I in no way, want to sound like a martyr, that I was always perfect, never said a wrong word..etc. But I did not run around on her, gamble the paycheck away, get drunk, nor was abusive to her or my kids.
There are certainly areas I could have improved in,..but pretty much anyone can say that.
But if it's true, she left me for another woman, which is certainly starting to look that way. I don't know what else I could have done.
In the meantime, I've gotten excellent advice. To sum it up, just don't sink to her level. Let her trash talk, but not respond to it, nor trash talk her. I believe that is the best way for me, and my friends already know..what she is saying is not true. Hopefully my kids will one day too. My son, already had publicly defended me, but I have not said a negative word about his mother to him, or my daughters. Nor will I do so.
That's more for them and myself, than the Ex.
If she is with another woman it is also possible she is now part of a group of women who honestly view men especially husbands as pure evil and the source of all their problems past and future. So she me have a set of radical views bring fed to her over and over about how it really is all your fault. Posted via Mobile Device
That's been pretty much the common theme..it's all my fault, she did nothing wrong. And if she did, it was because I drove her to do it.
I am moving on, or making an effort to do so. The venomous attacks hurt, and more so..because she is telling my daughters these things.
I did love my wife, that's why it hurts. I didn't want the divorce. She had plenty of faults, but I loved her anyway. But in the end, I agreed to go no fault, rather than force someone to stay with me, who was obviously so unhappy. But what she said to me, and what she was and is saying behind my back, is what really surprised me.
It seems fueled by such hatred. I cannot even imagine anything I never did to warrant that kind of pure anger and hatred. And I'm being honest.
I have been advised, that it's hard to see opportunities and blessings in front of you, if you're always looking behind.
Not saying it's easy, but it's my goal..to look ahead. Yes, it hurt, she divorced me, for someone else.
But I can either be bitter, dwell on it, or look to the future, and expect good things in life.
I choose the latter.
That is not to say, I don't get angry, and say things (at home, privately) ..or think bad things. Only that I"m not going around town, trashing her name.
Rock keep the high road. It will most likely be tough sometimes but talking negatively about someone you shared your life with for 30 years is just poor judgement in my opinion.
The negative things she is saying might just be a method to try and make you feel bad or more likely how she justifies her actions in her own mind. If you don't respond you remain a mystery and the good guy.
The kids will make their own judgements on what happened and how they feel about both parents regardless of what is said. This is truly a situation where actions speak louder than words. Over the long haul you will be better off.