Why Does It Matter?

WomanScorned · 05-06-2012, 08:00 PM

Ok, I'm puzzled. Long story short, ex husband had an affair, wanted a divorce without trying to fix an 18 year marriage, and left a year ago. So fast-forward to now. His affair partner is 21 years old, he's 40, and they have moved in together. I thought I had made peace with him over all of this and was moving on until he calls me on Friday to tell me that he's moved in with her and did I mind if our two young daughters spent the weekend with her and him together. I mind very much, though I can't figure out why it matters. It is his life, not mine, and I have no control over what he does. But his girlfriend has made it clear she wants as little to do with my kids as possible, plus she hates him having a relationship of any kind with me. Now he and I don't have to be friends (and aren't) but we do have to co-parent and be on good terms that way.

Ok, I mind and am unhappy over this, and that bothers me because I thought I had moved on. How do I survive this divorce without becoming the bitter ex-wife? I feel the bitterness growing in my heart and I don't want to be that person. I've known too many divorced women who bear a grudge for decades against the ex. But I didn't want the divorce and I didn't stop loving him. Maybe I never will stop, and that bothers me. I was pretty proud of myself for having moved on without bitter regrets, and WHAM! All of a sudden it's like those months have disappeared and I'm hurting all over again, crying and desperate to do anything to bring him back. Ugh. I hate that feeling and thought I'd beat it. Now when I see him I'm angry again and I'm having a hard time with that, too.

So any thoughts anyone has on how to deal with this are appreciated.

brokenbythis · 05-06-2012, 08:24 PM

Sick... what's a 21 yo want with a 40 yo guy???

I wouldn't want her near my kids either...

WomanScorned · 05-07-2012, 08:01 AM

Well, who knows what she sees in him. Maybe she had a horrible relationship with her father and is looking for a father figure.

Any other thoughts out there????

827Aug · 05-07-2012, 09:18 AM

My estranged husband moved his girlfriend in with him a couple of years ago. She is twenty years younger, and as far as I can tell a real nut case. I didn't like the situation, but there wasn't much I could do. Our daughters were 17 at the time.

We have been separated four years--it's complicated. He did the same as your husband. I didn't want the divorce and I still loved him. It's hard to stop loving after being together for more than twenty years. I'm just now getting to the point where I can speak to him on the phone without becoming an emotional wreck and crying.

It does take time to heal and to find your own way in life as a single person. The best advice I can recommend at this point is to find "purpose" in life again. Then direct your passions towards that goal. Hang in there while time heals your broken heart.

Deejo · 05-07-2012, 12:36 PM

What does your divorce agreement say?

This is in part why the document exists. To handle and address exactly these kinds of circumstances if there is a concern.

Depending upon the language of the agreement, you may or may not have any say.

I don't think you should worry too much ... it's a mama-bear thing. My ex has it as well.

My ex has been in a relationship for over 2 years. She and her boyfriend have taken the kids away. I don't have a problem with it. Her rationale, is that I know him ...

She gets all kinds of squirrely if I infer that the kids may meet someone I'm seeing. It's odd ... I accept it as maternal programming. My kids have only met 2 people that I have seen while dating.

I'm taking the kids away for a week this summer along with my family, and an ex-girlfriend of mine and her daughter will be staying at the same resort ... not the same room.
And I got the ... "You didn't tell me that K was going with you too."

My response, with a smile;

"Well, you know now. Is there a problem?"

At which point, she had to re-think why it bothered her.

If it bothers you ... I think that's fine. I also think the way you are approaching it is pretty well adjusted as well. Your their mother, I would expect you to be concerned.

I'm presuming if your husband and his partner have been together for a year or more, she presumably has already spent some time with the kids?

WomanScorned · 05-07-2012, 08:10 PM

My divorce agreement says nothing about that kind of situation. We got the bare-bones, no frills divorce without a lawyer on either side (can do that in my state).

She's met the kids and knows them, but he has told me that she doesn't like them or him spending a lot of time with them. He told me that when they 'broke up' for about a month. So my concern is that as he gets more involved with her, he'll lose interest in his kids. I'm afraid of that, in fact. Maybe it's a groundless fear, but it's there. I don't want my kids hurt.

You know, maybe I'm jealous of him. He moves on so easily, has someone to love him, moves in with her and it's all peachy. I feel like I'm floundering with a relationship I'm trying to take slow and easy with a guy I've met. Needless to say, we're not anywhere near a place where we'd be in love. I miss being in love and being loved. I sometimes wish it would all move faster, but I know that would be a mistake at this point in my life. I need to get over this mess first and establish myself as a single person independent of a couple.

lamaga · 05-08-2012, 10:19 AM

I think your feelings are perfectly normal -- you don't have to act on them, but I also don't think you should beat yourself up for them. I think time is the only remedy.