Ok, so its been a couple months since I've posted here. My divorce was final in December, found out my xh was having a baby with girlfriend of a few months in January, and I had our baby girl in February.
Visitations have just recently been getting consistant for our now 3 month babygirl. He picks her up once a week and takes her home for a few hours before I have to drive an hour round trip to pick her up. This I'm fine with, at least he's seeing her weekly now. He wants to up it to overnights which I've been admittly against until he proves he can show her he's a primary care taker.
Visitations with my 4 year old son started off as every other weekend, then we added a wednesday overnight, and finally at the divorce he asked again for an additional night (so its fri, sat, sun overnights every other week and every wed overnight). This has worked out ok, but he continues to push for more time. I know I shouldn't hold the divorce over him, he cheated, lied and treated me like a doormat until I left him last August. Now he's with girl #2 having a baby boy (using the name I picked out for our kid) living in my home and still acts ike he's entiltled to our kids. "They are half his so he should have them half the time" BS. He's not a threat to them, hes an ok father as selfish never to blame dads go.
I've been coping well, feeling very much a good riddence of him not being my husband any more. But recently I've been feeling very teritorial. They setup a nursery in my house for their new baby and my new baby, which burned me. I feel like they are treating my kids like their own, as if they dont have a mother.
Then today he texted me asking to have my son one more day every week. I'm not blind to the fact that its best for a son to have his father in his life, but if I conceed to this then xh would have him 16 days a month and me 15. I knew when I got divorced I would have to share, but 50% or more I'm just not willing to do.
I know it sounds selfish, but in my marriage I did 90% of the childcare, and now that he has a soon to be baby mama it feels like hes trying to take them from me even more. I'm still single and doing this all on my own, while he gets to have fill-in step-mom take over where I left off. He gets to continue to give less than me in parenting time, but asking to have them more often. I guess I'm feeling robbed of my life and my kids at this point.
I really do want to do whats best for my kids. But why do I feel like the only one sacraficing here.
Sorry that you are dealing with all of that. It is irritating that he wasn't into the kids when you were married, now all of a sudden he wants to be a dad with a new baby mama. I imagine it does feel like she's taken the life you should have had. Sorry I don't have any answers for you. I think it's normal to feel that way. What does your divorce agreement say about custody? My ex and I split 50/50, but in reality I have them more than he does as they go to school in my neighborhood.
Why did you not get to keep the house???? I would've wanted it sold than so that there was NO way another woman could be in it... that's just salt in an old wound... I get it girl.
On the kids thing. As much as sometimes I have visualized a split, I would never do anything to keep my kids from their Dad. He is a wonderful father... that being said, sounds like your ex was not such a great Dad when you were together, and suddenly he has seen the light, however, don't take that light away from your son, if it's literally half the days of the month, then let it be half the days of the month, your son will appreciate you for it in the long run. If you keep him from him, then you will be blamed when you are not around and start a battle in your son, that will last for years. (Seen it, both in grown men, and have watched couples foolishly do it to children). Yes you are sacrificing more, but by doing so, you are being the bigger better person in all this.
LLL - Thanks for that. I reread my post a couple of times and I think I have come up with a compromise for the time being. I think if we did W,TH,&St everyweek that would incrfease his time, but not take my son at excess every other week. It evens it out so I wont feel like he's gone so much. But we'll see how it goes. Hes usually not excited about giving up every Sat of "his life". I know that its best for my son to see his dad as much as he can, its just my head and my heart fighting against each other once again. I hate the feeling of losing time with my kids.
As for the house, it is for sale its just not moving very fast. We both agree that we dont want to give it away, and I left the house in the first place when I just could't take it anymore. So its hard to get back in once you do that. Its probably the thing that spurs the most emotion in my now though. Having to pick up my kids from a house that is still mine, but not. The gf has painted every room in the house and it even smells different. Its hard on my son too, he has memories of me and his dad together there, so it prompts the "why" questions more than anything. Crossing my fingers that it sells soon, so I can really move on.
WS- the divorce agreement doesn't matter much to my xh. I constantly ask him why he agreed to things in mediation, but now questions or doesn't agree with it. He just says that he didn't have a alwyer and wanted to keep things civil. Well agreements on paper are important to me. I feel like its almost a way for him to bully me into what he wants. Just agree when other people are around, then go back on everything and ask for things to change when we are alone.
My grandma always buried a picture of st Peter in the flower bed, swore to it, houses sold quickly every time. (worth a shot, have your son do it) hehe I think your idea is a good one, I couldnt imagine losing time with my kids either, hang in there, it will get better! You are doing what is best for your children. Posted via Mobile Device
Ugh, I get your frustration. It's like he's trying to rebuild his old life with someone new, and that includes having the kids there. Just like replacing you. Yuck. If your divorce is final and you've agreed on an arrangement, then stick to your guns. If he wants to see them more, let him, but only for a few hours at a time, not overnight. Why are you doing all the driving? He needs to drive or meet halfway. And I hope your house sells soon, that would totally suck. It disturbs the heck out of me and it isn't even me in your shoes! But I do have to deal with my ex playing house in his new apartment with his ho and her son, and taking my kids every other weekend. What we do is every other Fri, Sat, Sun night and then on the weeks he doesn't have them for the weekend he takes them on Thursday nights overnight. He is welcome to take them for ice cream or whatever, but chooses not to, even though he claims to be all about the kids. He just wants them overnight or not at all, so he can pay less child support, so I just don't budge.
LNL: exactly how I feel. My xh is all about his wallet but more overnights won't lessen the bill for him. Its more about what's convenient for him. He is supposed to see my daughter 3 times a week with 2 times at my place for 2 hours, and every Saturday at his place. Bur instead sees her once a week at his place but won't do Saturdays. I already accommodate enough to ensure my daughter sees her dad. He complains about not seeing them enough but doesn't want to do it if it interferes with his life.
I also feel like he's just replacing me in the life we had. It's like he ruined everything in his life with the affair and instead of trying to fix what he broke he just went out and found a girl to play my part. Posted via Mobile Device
Oh and he thinks we should be FRIENDS. Ha. If I try and stick to my guns he calls me bitter. He doesn't understand why we can't be flexible. All that tells me is he agrees to things that he has no intention of following through with. Posted via Mobile Device
Cooperative co-parenting with your ex can give your children continued stability and close relationships with both parents but it certainly isnít easy.In reality, putting aside relationship issues to co-parent amicably can be extremely difficult and fraught with stress.