A_Complicated_Life

Hi everyone!

I haven't posted for a couple of years, but I've enjoyed laughing and crying at peoples' stories from time to time.

I guess I'm at (another) crossroads in life and just wanted some opinions.

It's been nearly 3 years since my wife moved in with 'the other guy'. We've kept a good relationship (mainly for the sake of our two children but also because we used to have a good relastionship), but a year ago I decided to close the doors and move on with my life.

I became a lot closer (emotionally) with a friend with whom in the meantime I've fallen in love with. It is a case of 'fate' I think and extraordinary luck that we were in the same place at the same time.

My wife however has now separated from 'the other guy' (he's gone back to his wife and two children). Our children (who are 12 and 9) are very anti ANYONE in my life, especially my friend.

While we've talked about things and my friend doesn't want to be the 'bad' person in the eyes of the children (which I fully understand), I think we both have a problem getting 'over' the feelings we have for one another.

The question I have is, should I follow my heart and pursue a beautiful (if strained because of my children) relationship with my friend, or should I try and rebuild something with my wife, which would make our children happy, but would be really conflicting in myself.

If only I could turn back time...

Cheers,
Exhausted!

WomanScorned

Are your kids just objecting to anyone, or her in particular? Kids don't like the new person in their parents' lives sometimes because they see the new one as taking away some of the attention they're used to getting. I'd say only go back to your ex if you feel like you still love her, not just for the kids. It won't work otherwise. If you feel strongly for your new friend, I'd pursue that. The kids might come around in time.

A_Complicated_Life

They certainly see my friend as a particular threat, partly because living so close, we see a fair amount of each other. I get a grilling though whenever any friend who happens to be a female comes over!

I've certainly noticed the love for my ex has wained over the past years (something I was surprised happened considering how close we were!). I certainly always want my house open to her as bitterness does no good, but I'm happy to keep things just as friends.

I think you're right though that the kids might come around in time. I know of some lovely families with children from previous relationships. Hopefully if we can offer a loving and stabile environment they will come to appreciate it...

Lon

Sounds to me like you just want to rug sweep and hope that after 3 years apart your W has somehow changed. Unless she has actively taken steps to fix herself and is able to substantiate that with some kind of hard evidence, whatever led her to be able to cheat is still with her. So you would not only need to be able to handle the paranoia of investing in a high risk partner, you would also be committing to someone who had no qualms sending your marriage into the trash bin, I suspect you will always feel like the backup guy.

Please realize my viewpoint is certainly biased as I was the BS too, and though its only been a year my ex has not once looked back at her choice to leave.

However if she wanted to suddenly, after the choices she's made since leaving and showing no remorse for how she discarded the marriage and hasn't taken ownership of her affair, what kind of message would I be teaching my child? To just let disrespectful people from taking advantage of others and for the other to just willingly accept it?

As much as I grieve losing a "family" being able to do things the three of us together and providing a stable foundation based on love for him to feel secure in, the damage has been done, the solution involves remediating whatever caused it to fall apart, so I work on myself and I let the toxic people out of my life and try to live with a code of honor and with integrity so my son can learn what being a man is.

And this is without any prospects at a real loving relationship with a truly good woman on my radar, if I were in your place my choice would be easy (but I'm not you, and you have to do whatever you believe is right for you)

babyowlsrcute

I agree fully with Lon - from a F standpoint
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A_Complicated_Life

Thank you for the reply Lon. Interestingly the children do know that what my wife did was not a good thing (and have told me), but they of course see now as a particularly good time for us to get back together.

I suppose the conflict is that the 'ideal' outcome is different depending on from who's viewpoint you look at things. Not only that, but trying to think things through logically is not easy when emotions are involved!

I wish you all the best Lon with your turmoil, and it sounds like you are doing well in showing your son what integrity is all about!

Lon

Thanks, and yes having integrity and bringing my son up with integrity is my goal - it is not easy sometimes, I make it too complicated, and I know I am far from always acting with integrity, but its something worthy for me to strive for.

For me, my "ideal" outcome since my ex W's affair ran the full gamut of possibilities. The end result could have been different if she had made different decisions, as for my decisions they were easy: stay in limbo or get out of limbo, and staying in limbo wasn't working but atleast my ex made her decisions hasty enough that convincing myself to detach from her wasn't hard after a small period of grieving and confusion. It wasn't what I ever wanted, but it was the right thing for me.

As you will find doing the right thing for you is what you will end up with no matter. It's one of those things where if we are sober we can't really ever make a wrong decision we just have to follow our built in roadmap.

A_Complicated_Life

Yes, staying sober when making life-changing decisions is certainly a good idea!

There is the added burden of my youngest child being diagnosed with aspergers so he can be very difficult at times...I know for him it would be a great help if we were a family unit again. Also for the older one who is really hitting his teens - seems to have a beef with everyone at the moment. It also doesn't make it any easier that my ex W (though we still haven't handed in the divorce) lives within walking distance - if there are any disagreements, it's "I'm off to mum now".

The fact that she hasn't shown any real remorse for what has happened weighs on me heavily. I'm going to let things settle down for a little while I think...it's too soon for another upheaval in the childrens' lives. But I will continue to go out with my friend (dinner on Wednesday, concerts on Thursday and Sunday :-)) and perhaps things will develop by themselves...