codependent? no. all im asking is how to support someone who is going through things that I do not understand.
I am not a home wrecker. things had been bad for a while, his wife cheated on him, he told me about it, she didn't come home for a long time, he moved out.
no kids.
and seriously? that I'm the other woman and an "affair" partner because he isn't legally divorced? that has to be a joke.
honestly, most of you are pretty useless and obviously bitter. I am not the OW in your failed marriage, so stop treating me like I am.
I think most of you will be a lot happier if you stop being so judgemental of others. Posted via Mobile Device
little- You didnt really explain the situation very well.
I think the best thing you can do is take things slow with him, listen to him when he needs you and always try to stay out of their legal stuff,i wouldnt even comment on it because it may end up blowing up in your face. Divorce is hard for everyone.
Also, expect him to have trust issues with you since his wife cheated, i say this because i was cheated on and i have not trusted anyone since ive been cheated on, eventually it wore on my relationship. goodluck.
codependent? no. all im asking is how to support someone who is going through things that I do not understand.
I am not a home wrecker. things had been bad for a while, his wife cheated on him, he told me about it, she didn't come home for a long time, he moved out.
no kids.
and seriously? that I'm the other woman and an "affair" partner because he isn't legally divorced? that has to be a joke.
honestly, most of you are pretty useless and obviously bitter. I am not the OW in your failed marriage, so stop treating me like I am.
I think most of you will be a lot happier if you stop being so judgemental of others. Posted via Mobile Device
What bothers me is that you say he still has feelings for her...that's an obvious dealbreaker in my books, and indicative of a lack of readiness to move on (on his part).
Regarding the OW comments from the other posters...when I met my husband 2 years ago, he had been separated for over 6 years, and was just in the process of finalizing his divorce. The final docs only arrived 2 months after we moved in together. So I guess I am the 'OW' too, technically speaking. Don't worry about it.
I'm recently separated (17 months?), and I've been seeing someone since very early in my separation. At the time I left my marriage, I was fully checked out of it, and ready to move on.
My GF has been very supportive over the past 16 months. She listens to me when I need to vent, she offers intelligent input when I ask. That's all I can ask of her, and I'm grateful for her support. It's not really different than supporting your partner through something else that's bothering them that you have no control over. It could be a job issue, sick parents, whatever... So much depends on your partner and where he's at that it's hard to give very specific advice.
My concern would be that you are not the rebound women. His wife cheated on him and he is hurt. You come in to the picture while all of this is going down in a very loving supportive kind of way. I mean that in a good way...
I agree wit PBear. Just be there. He may have a lot of trust issues.
What bothers me is that you say he still has feelings for her...that's an obvious dealbreaker in my books, and indicative of a lack of readiness to move on (on his part).
Regarding the OW comments from the other posters...when I met my husband 2 years ago, he had been separated for over 6 years, and was just in the process of finalizing his divorce. The final docs only arrived 2 months after we moved in together. So I guess I am the 'OW' too, technically speaking. Don't worry about it.
Thanks for this! But I understand where he is coming from, she's been a large part of his life for about ten years, I think it's fair.
My parents were separated for 13 years before they got divorced, I think mainly staying together for legal reasons. I know a few people who have done the same thing. Really not too sure why that matters? But that's just me I guess.
Just one more note, Little, I'd notice if he includes you in progress reports about where the divorce negotiations are. That goes a long way toward building trust.
I only say this because we have a mutual friend who has been de facto divorced from his wife for years, but who is not even pursuing a legal divorce, because a) financial messes and b) he likes the protection it offers him from women. (Why, yes, he is mentally 13!)
Not suggesting that about your fellow at all, but it's good if he is transparent with you about the process.
Just one more note, Little, I'd notice if he includes you in progress reports about where the divorce negotiations are. That goes a long way toward building trust.
I only say this because we have a mutual friend who has been de facto divorced from his wife for years, but who is not even pursuing a legal divorce, because a) financial messes and b) he likes the protection it offers him from women. (Why, yes, he is mentally 13!)
Not suggesting that about your fellow at all, but it's good if he is transparent with you about the process.
Hmmm...I think a lot of people do this; I dated 2 guys in a row who had no intention of getting divorced. The third one (who became my H) was already in the process of, but only because someone he'd met and briefly dated said that it would really be a good idea if he was truly serious about meeting someone else and moving forward in life. Lucky for him that he was in the process, because I'd decided that if he was still married, there would have been no future dates.
Your man has a good deal of unfinished business with his soon to be ex-wife.
This kind of circumstance can be volatile for ... everyone.
The primary issue being that unless and until he has done the emotional work of both physically and mentally breaking away from his spouse, the relationship he has with you can be very, very tenuous and unpredictable; which can in turn cost you emotionally.
So my advice? Be supportive ... but not too supportive.
Protect yourself and your feelings. If he wants to talk to you at length about his wife ... I'd think twice before deciding that's a good idea.
Yes, it is a technicality. No, I won't worry about.
I'm sorry you were cheated on, so please stop projecting.
Hey there, little....
Couple of things...Last summer I was 6 months separated from my ex and as soon as the divorce hit I went right into dating. I really felt like I was ready. I met several very nice ladies and dated a few of them for several months. Problem was I never really understood what I was feeling in those mini-relationships. They were there for me to heal. Even if I truly wanted to give them something there was no way for me too. Emotionally, I was not ready to put someone else first.
Your BF is at about the same point I was in this process last year and I can guess that he is going through some of these types of emotions. I really wish I could put it in better words for you. Big difference in my relationships and yours is that I didn't explain my emotional situation with my new "girlfriends." I tried to keep it bottled up and put my best face on for them even though inside I was still unbalanced.
Here's my 2 cents. If you like him, then keep dating him (although moving in was a mistake in my opinion) and obviously you have to both be emotionally available to one another, but I would be hesitant to entertain talks about the STBXW. Matter of fact, if I was dating someone and the topic of their ex continued to come up then I would probably just move on.
Last thought from me and I'll shut up. You have made a couple of remarks towards people on this thread about projecting. True, most of us have been cheated on and are a bit sensitive to some scenarios and others just have a different moral compass. All I'm saying is take this into account. You don't have to reply to everyone. This place, whether right or wrong, is a safe haven for some. It is hard to be 100% clear about your scenario as it is impossible for you to type out your entire relationship. Everyone projects to some degree on here.
Paradise, you are right about this site needing to be a safe place. I think it's demonstrably true that this was not a safe place for her, and she struck back. I applaud that.
Everyone projects on advice sites, it's true. People here take it to an extreme. I'm glad she pointed it out.
Couple of things...Last summer I was 6 months separated from my ex and as soon as the divorce hit I went right into dating. I really felt like I was ready. I met several very nice ladies and dated a few of them for several months. Problem was I never really understood what I was feeling in those mini-relationships. They were there for me to heal. Even if I truly wanted to give them something there was no way for me too. Emotionally, I was not ready to put someone else first.
Your BF is at about the same point I was in this process last year and I can guess that he is going through some of these types of emotions. I really wish I could put it in better words for you. Big difference in my relationships and yours is that I didn't explain my emotional situation with my new "girlfriends." I tried to keep it bottled up and put my best face on for them even though inside I was still unbalanced.
Here's my 2 cents. If you like him, then keep dating him (although moving in was a mistake in my opinion) and obviously you have to both be emotionally available to one another, but I would be hesitant to entertain talks about the STBXW. Matter of fact, if I was dating someone and the topic of their ex continued to come up then I would probably just move on.
Last thought from me and I'll shut up. You have made a couple of remarks towards people on this thread about projecting. True, most of us have been cheated on and are a bit sensitive to some scenarios and others just have a different moral compass. All I'm saying is take this into account. You don't have to reply to everyone. This place, whether right or wrong, is a safe haven for some. It is hard to be 100% clear about your scenario as it is impossible for you to type out your entire relationship. Everyone projects to some degree on here.
Thank you so so much for your reply. I do, too, think he is in the place where you say you were. Thanks for the advice. I'm gonna stick around for him, definitely. I think the best thing for me to do is just be around if/when he wants to talk. I've been good at never asking questions about her, it seems that has been the right thing to do.
And I agree, I think it's impossible for anyone to not project or be biased. But I think there is a way to say those things in a constructive manner. And I, personally, don't think that has been what has been demonstrated. This has not been a safe place for me, whatsoever. So this concludes my stay at TAM.
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Re: Dating a recently divorced man. 
