Hello to all- I am new here. I haven't looked around much, but from what I am seeing, I think this may be the opposite side of the usual post.
I knew my partner when his marriage was coming to an end, and after many ups and downs, things have finally settled and we now live together.
At first the situation used to cause me so much anxiety about everything. I am in a good place now and know that he has feelings for her because she was such a big part of his life and that they still have a lot to do before they are divorced legally and all that, stuff that used to bother me a lot and now I understand and am as level headed as I can be.
I have never been married, and I know that divorce is such a painful thing that I just don't know anything about, and I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to approach this situation? It hasn't been long since they separated- less than a year. I just know that divorce is such a painful thing, and I want to be able to understand my partner as much as possible. I'd also like some tips on how to deal with feeling about the ex? I know that some separated coupled do, of course, get back together and all that, but just on how to deal with these things in a positive way?
Well, it wasn't wise to move in with him so soon, but you are there now.
Give him space. Lots and lots of space. He will be grieving, he will be angry, he will be going through a lot of emotional changes, so he'll need both your support and your understanding -- it's tricky, because some nights he'll need you there a lot, and some nights he'll want you to back off. You are going to have to become quite the adept communicator and you're going to have to not ask for a lot for yourself. By choosing to move in with him so soon, you have purchased some tricky relationship issues -- for the time being, until the divorce is final both legally and emotionally, your needs are probably going to have to take a back burner.
If he wants to vent, let him, but be very careful about saying negative things yourself about his soon-to-be-ex. In fact, just don't.
Also, this is all assuming that he's really going through with the divorce and not hoping for a reconciliation with his wife. That's a whole 'nother scenario which I hope you do not have to face.
If I am understanding this right, you are an affair partner since you stated that he is your partner and he and his wife are not legally divorced. You also said that you are living together. If this is correct then you are in a bad spot. Your "partner" is a married man and he has a wife (children?). You don't belong there with him so the best thing you can do is move out, break all contact, and let him work through his issues on his own without the presence of an "OW" in his marriage. When he is legally divorced, then you can re-approach the relationship but for now you should stay away.
All I can tell you is not to be too pushy and don't tell him what he "needs" to do to get the divorce over with. I wish you hadn't moved in yet though. A lot of things can change, even AFTER the divorce is final - he probably won't get his feelings back for his stbx, but he may want some freedom otherwise.
And you HAVE to be decent about his stbx. Don't be catty, bratty or any other form of immature towards her. Don't tell your spouse that his ex is a B*^%#. Keep negativities to yourself. Let him be the badmouther if he chooses to.
You seem to be spending a lot of time thinking about and wanting to accommodate someone else's manure pile that they made of their life. Best advice? Put on your muck boots and get ready to be shoveling for a very long time. Hope you know just by your mere presence in his life/home that you will be fingered for the blame of the failure of his marriage, whether or not this is true. So second piece of advice, get ready to have your reputation trashed and get some upper-lift stiffener. Third piece of advice, focus on what you want out of a relationship, and don't think you're going to get it by running around like a border collie shepherding and defending the perimeters of his emotional life - that's his job. You sound, actually, very codependent.
Do they have kids together and how long were they married? Ending a marriage last oct, that isnt very long to be separated from your spouse.... specially if they have been together for a long time, thats why i ask how long they were married.
I think dating a man going through a divorce/separation is a bad idea, but thats just me. I know if i was in your position id constantly fear they'd reconcile, specially if they have kids.