I have been SO good through all of it. I only wanted the best for him, never wished him harm, wanted to see him do well for himself etc etc.
Since my birthday a few days ago, I have had such incredible rage towards him and the entire marriage.
I really just can't get over it, not the marriage, but the rage. It's insane.
I am fully well aware, that we both made choices, that our entire relationship wasn't bs, we had happy times.. I was grateful for the experience of "love" regardless of how it turned out,
I just cannot get over wanting the bastard to fall on his drug ridden butt in the middle of rock freaking bottom with at least on permanent std, and a couple pregnant crack*****s and at least 3 different arrests followed by an extended stay in rehab and being commited to a mental institution, sued by his student loan company, and have his car stolen and drove off a cliff.
I'd also like it if he suddenly realized his orientation and had to come out to his homophobic racist dad.
THAT, would make my entire year. Not that I generally am vengeful, but I have been so full of spite and hatred lately all I can do is imagine horrid scenarios for him and laugh maliciously like I have some sort of minions enacting my diabolical plan as I sip a fancy ****tail in my fancy chair at my fancy desk of doom.
Really, why can't something worth laughing at happen? To see Karma actually work, would be fantastic. and here it is over a year later, and I'm just now feeling this way
it does me no real good, and just makes me quiet, and snappy towards people who don't deserve it :\
but seriously. He comes into my place of work when I'm not there, makes statements to people that he knows will bring it back to me, finds ways to contact me just to tell me how great his drug induced delusion is, just fall off the face of the earth already and do humanity a favor, you know?
ah clucas I'm with you babe. i go through bursts of rage and then just feel pity for the poor sap who is 40 years old but can't even manage to do the most basic adult things in life, like pay a bill
i'm slowly moving towards indifference - you will get there!!!!
The rage and hatred gives me energy I otherwise wouldn't have. It keeps me from collapsing into a puddle of depression. And the grim revenge fantasies I conjure for him are highly entertaining.
OH Hello Me from last week! Rage, resentment, I sure know what you mean there. Coming into your work and all that is way beyond the line. That could be detrimental to your job! Restraining order?
Ah, I was so pizzed at the ex last week. Somehow got to a point of just not thinking about it, and wanting to feel better about myself.
Went around some good friends this past weekend. That helped.
STBXH is NOT the person I once knew. Ya think ya know a person through and through after 24 years of being married. I don't hate that person, rather the person that he has/is transforming into. Said transformation may possibly destroy his relationship with DS and prevent him from ever establishing one with his granddaughter. DIL has little to no use for him, she sees the hurt that DS feels and that makes her angry. Really, pity more than anger on my part, in that perspective.
I think a lot of it is in part due to watching my friends relationships, that are crap. Watching the people I live with starting their lives off at the same age I was when I met the ex, my recent birthday, and my overall frustration with my job and the small progress I have made.
I took the high road, I have been civil, I've attempted an R when I really didn't think it was possible, approached that as a new situation with an open mind. It just hasn't been until NOW that I've been truely angry. Sad, depressed, hopeful, driven, ambitious, self oriented, all that just not angry. I am an indifferent person by nature, I tend to just take what is thrown at me and carry on, so not only do I not know what to do with me when I'm mad, no one else around me really does either.
so it's me, in a room full of people staring at me in total confusion going on a verbal rampage, yanking on my own hair, and then feeling like a jerk, for everyone who had to put up with it. (even though they have the option not to)
you know those cartoons, where they grab someone by the throat and repeatedly slap them across the face? oh what I wouldn't do to have that moment presented to me with no consequences!
You need to find an creative outlet for all that rage. Might I suggest kick boxing or running.
Don't even worry about your H. A year is hardly enough time to accept it's really over, especially when you're tweaking like crazy and can't keep track of time. At some point he will either hit rock bottom and get the help he needs or kill himself.
He's free to choose his own path just as you are to stay as angry for as long as you need to. But you know what, I don't see hatred in you. I see a woman that still cares about him enough to focus all her energy on him and doesn't want to admit regret. Even though you hate him part of you still loves who he once was and wishes he'd miss him too.
I just cannot get over wanting the bastard to fall on his drug ridden butt in the middle of rock freaking bottom with at least on permanent std, and a couple pregnant crack*****s and at least 3 different arrests followed by an extended stay in rehab and being commited to a mental institution, sued by his student loan company, and have his car stolen and drove off a cliff.
kudos to those that read the rant.
Hey, this is me every day! And I wish almost the same thing (right down to the student loan issues as she is strapped with them!).
Maybe our ex's can hook up? And we'll ambush them together
Sunday, my ex and his new couch showed up at my store. You know, out of all things, its been how long? My schedule doesnt change, its been the same for as long as I have worked there.
she walks in with some giant grin on her face, cannot speak a word to me and leaves, while he sat in his car of shame behind the building as if I don't know the car I used to pay for and drive right?
I puked in my mouth a little, but I moved on.
The next shift. Here comes Mr. strung out as hell, with one of the most vile people I have ever met. This man legitimately scares me, he's beyond abusive to his gf, he's so unstable it's insane, raging drug addict alcoholic you name it, and was arrested last year for burning his 3 yr old son with a cigarette as punishment. This man, is sitting in the front seat of my old car...with my "christian" ex.
SO you're going to tell me I need to get right with god, I need to read the bible, call me a child, tell me I am vile while you're sleeping with the human sofa who has also had all of your friends, or tried for it, and hanging out with creatures not even worthy of being called scum.
It gets better, because he is doing all of this at my employers house. Sitting there with her, and these people, carrying on about me, my friend, and how he knows what he's talking about because I'm his wife.
SO not only is he up to this, my boss is allowing this in his own home around one of my co workers, my customers and anything else that slithers its way into that home. Talk about having value for your own employees.
It's just disgusting, it is absolutely disgusting. I don't speak to you, I don't associate with you, and yet I cannot get you away from me.
Its just enraging, it really is. And the sofa, used to be one of my "friends." Which wouldn't phase me as much, except that if I had known that's all it took to replace me, I could have been doing so many more productive things, and sexier people.
His sister died from her drug addictions. She was actually working her way up, improving a bit, and her body just gave out on her. Why would you become everything you never wanted for her, and every scum bag guy you wanted to beat up? what good does that do for her, and her short life?
It makes me sick. I know he's showing up JUST for that reason, just to pick at me. But it's not seeing him that upsets me, its everything he's doing to himself, his family, and to every young kid he feeds drugs to.
I shamed his name by leaving him, so he's going to slaughter it with his behavior?
its just sick. its disgusting, and I'm so freaking glad I am out of that.
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sudden hatred 
