How To Address...It's Her Night

nice777guy · 06-08-2012, 02:01 PM

Ex just texted about how much the girls have "probably" missed me. One was at camp for a week - we pick her up today. The other was with my Ex on Tue and Wed - and spent last night with gramma.

Tonight is Ex's night. I love my kids - but these nights allow me to catch my breath and get some things done. Kids will be with me for 7 out of next 10 nights - so why do I feel guilty about saying "isn't it your night?"

lamaga · 06-08-2012, 02:03 PM

Well, feel guilty all you want, but it IS her night. I think setting boundaries early on is a pretty good idea, and I don't think for a minute that your Ex is worrying about the girls missing you -- I think she is worrying about missing some possible social engagement.

Hang in there.

lovesherman · 06-08-2012, 02:07 PM

I agree with Lamaga; I'll bet your wife is trying to guilt you into taking the girls so that she can have some social or free time to get her own things done.

No more Mr. Nice Guy for you! Say you would love to take them, but you already have plans for the evening. Do not elaborate--let her guess what they might be.

Jellybeans · 06-08-2012, 02:08 PM

You feel guilty because you are their father and want them to be happy.

Hope you are well, Nice

Hope1964 · 06-08-2012, 02:10 PM

Yeah, I agree you need to stick to your boundaries. You can be flexible though - maybe trading nights is an option? So if you take them today then she takes them on one of 'your' nights.

nice777guy · 06-08-2012, 02:23 PM

Part of where I struggle - told myself I would never argue this way about who would be keeping them. Kids should never even catch a whiff that both parents are fighting over who has them.

Parents are supposed to fight over who wants them more - right?

Had a friend as a kid - parents got divorced - were both young. Looking back - both were probably wanting to "get back out there." So he was shuffled back and forth a lot. And they tried to make it up to him with money. But neither were really there for him consistently.

He committed suicide at age 20.

Maybe I'm being just a bit overdramatic - or maybe I'm not.

I just don't ever want the kids to feel like I don't want them every night of every year. Especially with my Ex's attitude.

lamaga · 06-08-2012, 02:25 PM

I know, honey.

The problem is, she knows too. And she'll use it.

Do what you can, do what you feel right with.

lovesherman · 06-08-2012, 02:30 PM

As long as your girls do not hear the discussion between you and your wife, they will not feel slighted. Her text about the girls "probably" missing you is pure manipulation on her part.

I would give up my free night only if she makes it an issue in front of your kids. I do understand your not wanting to make them feel like they are a burden to you.

nice777guy · 06-08-2012, 02:35 PM

My initial response was to ask if she was wanting to switch nights.

Now she's saying something about feeling anxious about picking up out oldest from camp. Ok...???

lamaga · 06-08-2012, 03:01 PM

This too shall pass, Niceguy, this too shall pass

nice777guy · 06-08-2012, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lamaga

This too shall pass, Niceguy, this too shall pass

No - I'm afraid her kind of crazy is resistant to treatment!

Paradise · 06-08-2012, 04:34 PM

Nice, I know what I would do and that would be take the kids and keep them every second I could. But, at the same time I am starting to think that perhaps part of the reason I say this is because I really don't have a life other than my job and my kids.

deejov · 06-08-2012, 04:42 PM

My BIL fishes it out this way....

"Oh, in that case, I will come over from 630 to 730 to visit with them. After that, I have plans".

If she has plans... and wants you to have the kids, she will balk.

nice777guy · 06-08-2012, 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paradise

Nice, I know what I would do and that would be take the kids and keep them every second I could. But, at the same time I am starting to think that perhaps part of the reason I say this is because I really don't have a life other than my job and my kids.

Yes. This is another one of my issues as well. I have nothing else going on - so I find it even harder to say no.

BUT - good news - differences were put aside - we drove together and picked up our Daughter.

And even more important was being there to see and hear my daughter BEAMING about the week she had! Again - I don't care who's "night" it is - there are some things I will not miss.

And during a brief conversation, my Ex said she was simply preparing herself to be let down should our D come home and want to be with Dad. May be true - may not. Either way - both girls are with Mom tonight.

And...exhale...