Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
WOW!!!!! Mine is finalized tomorrow morning. And, I've gotta say, I agree with EVERY reply here. So much so, that, after lurking in this forum for the last 7 or 8 months, I went ahead and registered today.
Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletBegonias
The most important thing i learned was just because someone was right for me when i was in my twenties doesn't guarantee we'll grow together and be right for each other when we're older.
God isn't that the truth! I'm 24 and have been divorced for nearly two months. I thought I married someone mature enough for marriage but I guess not. Turns out I matured and she reverted, lol.
The most important things I learned through here was that communication really does make a difference. Communication about how you feel and patience when dealing with stressful situations. It also really helps to do your marriage homework and read a MC book once a month. That and keeping a personal workbook to journal past arguments and see how to overcome them or lessen the anxiety.
I cannot stress the importance of this exercise enough. I started this during the divorce and really wish I had used this journaling exercise in marriage. It really helps you work through issues faster when you're not spinning your wheels in the same fights.
Ex: #1
Dear diary, I ran out of coffee this morning and yelled at my wife for forgetting a new can. We yelled at each other for a few minutes and she gave me the silent treatment all day. We made after work and I found the can, so this whole situation could have been avoided. I feel bad about blaming her for something I shouldn't have and need to work on my outbursts.
Solution: Work on dealing with aggression and reframe from blaming her, "right or happy". Keep an extra can in the pantry or just suck it up and get a cup at work.
Outcome: From now on I set the coffee maker before bed and pick up the other half week's worth of the groceries on Wednesday. To keep us from fighting in the morning I hug her for 30 seconds before I get up for work and that really brightens my day. We both agreed to keep morning conversation to a minimum while were getting ready.
Ex: #2
Dear diary, I caught my husband masturbating to porn and threatened to kick him out of the house. He slept on the couch last night and I cried myself to sleep. I don't think he knows how insecure I get about my body and would prefer he make love to me, but I don't know how to bring this up to him without us fighting.
Solution: I will send my husband a text explaining why I was upset without blaming him and ask him for his thought on this. After I drop the kids off at school I will swing by the used book store and pick up a few books on communication in marriage.
Outcome: I was able to sit down and talk to him the way the book recommended. We discussed our turn ons and what he could do to get me in the mood. Now after dinner, we have a time for us to cuddle together and relieve each others tension.
Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
After two marriages gone awry, I really need to be very guarded in who I actually trust, as my heart is so big and I try to love most everyone with as much compassion as they'll possibly permit. My biggest fault is just being too trusting, but I would think that that is simply Christ coming out in me!
And if that is truly the case, then I'll probably never fully unlearn that process!
Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nsweet
Ex: #1
Dear diary, I ran out of coffee this morning and yelled at my wife for forgetting a new can. We yelled at each other for a few minutes and she gave me the silent treatment all day. We made after work and I found the can, so this whole situation could have been avoided. I feel bad about blaming her for something I shouldn't have and need to work on my outbursts.
Solution: Work on dealing with aggression and reframe from blaming her, "right or happy". Keep an extra can in the pantry or just suck it up and get a cup at work.
Outcome: From now on I set the coffee maker before bed and pick up the other half week's worth of the groceries on Wednesday. To keep us from fighting in the morning I hug her for 30 seconds before I get up for work and that really brightens my day. We both agreed to keep morning conversation to a minimum while were getting ready.
One other lesson learned that applies to this example...don't sweat the small stuff. Tough one for an anal retentive like me.
Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
I had to accept that there are some situations where there IS no compromise. That means you are incompatible. And separating your lives will lead to more happiness (for me, at least). I learned to accept that separating/divorcing was not the end of the world.
Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
Feeling like someone is your soul-mate means nothing and don't EVER get someone's name put on you. Oh well, he has it worse with my first and middle name across his rib cage.
Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emma1981
Feeling like someone is your soul-mate means nothing and don't EVER get someone's name put on you. Oh well, he has it worse with my first and middle name across his rib cage.
Could be worse. You could have married your cheating WS on your birthday and left a prominent career to be with them.... only to have them walk out a month later.
I'd take a wh*res names across my chest any day over the life I have now, just saying.
Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
That life does, indeed, go on.
That you will smile again.
You will laugh again.
You will flirt with someone new.
You will learn something new.
Go somewhere new.
Experience new things/palces/people.
That the world doesn't end just because you divorce.
That you come out much stronger on the other side.
It's amazing the resilience a divorce can show you.
Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
What I learned and continue to learn is that my ex was slowly trying to drain the life out of me and keep me down in a very shrewd and tactical way. Posted via Mobile Device
What I learned and continue to learn is that my ex was slowly trying to drain the life out of me and keep me down in a very shrewd and tactical way. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce?
NO that wasn't an example from my life. I don't drink coffee I take caffeine pills
I do remember yelling WTF as I jumped out of the shower to the fire alarm. She was in another room while breakfast was smoking on the stovetop. She had a bad habit of burning food and I was scared to death she would be trapped in a fire when I wasn't there.
So I learned I had to talk to her instead of flying off the handle and let her know I wasn't upset about food being a little crispy. I was worried either one of us would set the apartment on fire and burn the whole complex. It happened before and with a neighbor later on.
I apologized and she understood I wasn't angry with her. She wasn't used to cooking with an electric stove and just need a little practice and guidance. After that I found a way for her to cook together with my cheif's wife and learn a few things such as time and temp.
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Re: What's the most important thing you learned after divorce? 
